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December 31, 2013

HAPPY NEW YEAR

Thanks to all of you who visited the blog this year when you could have been doing productive work. Thanks especially to those of you who sent stuff in, and those who commented. Have fun tonight, but remember to celebrate in moderation. And have a great 2014, which is bound to be a better year. For openers, we plan to fire judi. 

FRANCE ON HIGH ALERT

A giant yellow duck on display in a northern Taiwan port exploded on Tuesday, just hours before it was expected to attract a big crowd to count down the new year.

(Thanks to Bill Price, Ralph and Brian in Connecticut, who says: "Oh the humanity.")

TERRORISM UPDATE

Exploding portable toilet jolts Rock Hill neighborhood

(Thanks to Chuck Cody)

NOW WITH ADDED PROTEIN

A lunch break Monday turned into an urban Wild Kingdom surprise when a woman found a dead frog in the albacore tuna Niçoise salad that she was served at a Midtown Pret A Manger.

(Thanks to Janice Gelb and Jeff Meyerson)

WHICH IS WHY THEY'RE ALWAYS SMILING

Dolphins ‘deliberately get high’ on puffer fish nerve toxins by carefully chewing and passing them around

(Thanks to Ken Fineberg)

FRANCE ON HIGH ALERT

'Living statue' chases and threatens tourist in Rome

(Thanks to coscolo)

IMPORTANT NEW YEAR'S EVE SCIENCE FACT

A sobering truth, drinkers live longer than non-drinkers

(Thanks to The Perts)

EAT YOUR HEART OUT, NEW YORK

Giant potato ready to drop in downtown Boise on New Year's Eve

(Thanks to Craig Roberts)

WHO SAYS ROMANCE IS DEAD?

Woman Busted For Attacking Live-In Boyfriend When He Refused To "Cuddle" In Bed

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson and Charles in Orange County)

Woman gets drunk, breaches DV order and defecates on partner

(Thanks to Unholy Slacker)

Man stabbed after giving girlfriend knife for Christmas

(Thanks to Dave French)

Police say woman set fire to fiance's house on Christmas Day

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

Wife Hates Her Christmas Gifts, Torches Husband’s Truck

(Thanks to nursecindy)

Something seems to be bothering women.

December 30, 2013

THERE IS NOTHING LOWER THAN A LIVER BRANDER

 A surgeon has been suspended by a British hospital following news reports that he branded his initials on a patient’s liver.

(Thanks to The Perts)

THE NEWS FROM SADAR HILLS

The function was organized by Anal No Pumlo Tallo Lusuh, (Committee on Anal Customary Law) and hosted by Anal Naga Chiefs’ Association Chakpikarong Sub- division.

This has been The News From Sadar Hills.

(Thanks to Unholy Slacker)

PRIORITIES

“Kriss said Thompson wants a new toilet seat installed in the DA’s private bathroom because he doesn’t want to sit on the same toilet seat that Hynes sat on,” the source said.

(Thanks to Unholy Slacker)

SOMEBODY NEEDS TO MAKE A CONFESSION

Drunk priest runs over parishioner

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

UNCLEAR ON THE CONCEPT

A man and a woman were arrested for battery following a fight over the Bible and the Ten Commandments, Georgia police said.

(Thanks to Ralph and Rob Simbeck)

SOON TO BE A MAJOR MOOTION PICTURE

10 firefighters, man and teenagers lift 700-pound cow from pool

(Thanks to Omniskeptic and Craig Roberts)

WE HAVE A WINNER

Man runs through Bingo hall with pants down, screams 'Bingo'

(Thanks to coscolo and DaninTustin)

MIAMI: CITY OF TRADITION

Officials: “Just Don’t Fire” Guns On New Year’s Eve

Good luck with that, Officials.

December 29, 2013

WHY THE HELL DID WE LEAVE?

So here's a photo taken by this blog's daughter-in-law, Laura Barry, on a whale-watching trip Friday off the coast of Maui. Beneath the tail is a whale roughly the size of a Best Buy.

Laura's whale photo

 

IT'S NOT EASY BEING GREEN?

South Carolina woman stabs fiancé over wedding color scheme

(Thanks to wanderer2575)

December 28, 2013

HOLIDAY PLANNING TIP

Beer is good, squirrels are not.

(Thanks to Roberto, Robert Mathis, Bill Hudgins, Tom, Ersin, Allison the Happy Penguin, Charles Cates, Loudmouth, W. von Papineau, and drewsmith)

December 27, 2013

2013

A highly inaccurate look back.

DE-ICING

Toronto mayor Rob Ford will not attend Winter Classic in Ann Arbor

Key piece of reporting: Border officials at that time raised doubts if Ford would be able to cross into the United States because of he was admitted crack cocaine user.

(Thanks to Omniskeptic)

STAR OF WONDER

A 22-year-old Londonderry woman was arraigned Thursday on a second-degree assault charge, after she allegedly stabbed her father in the chest Christmas Eve during an argument over the location of the Big Dipper.

(Thanks to Samual Sprague)

December 26, 2013

WE WERE NOT WONDERING, BUT PERHAPS YOU WERE

Why it's nearly impossible to castrate a hippo.

(Please note that Discreet Penis WBAGNFARB)

(Thanks to Unholy Slacker)

CURLY'S CHRISTMAS

He prefers hedgehog death to hat-wearing.

IMG_8184

December 25, 2013

LUCY'S CHRISTMAS

Lucy is spending this Christmas with her dogsitters, who took this photo. We don't know how they got Lucy to wear this hat. We do know she will find a way to get her revenge when we bring her home.

IMG_9660

December 24, 2013

A POEM FOR PARENTS ON CHRISTMAS EVE

Ho Ho Ho, you guys.

December 23, 2013

TIS THE SEASON TO BE JOLLY

"We are looking at pressing charges."

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

December 22, 2013

TRAVEL TIP:

If you're planning to travel by air today, consider just staying home and stabbing yourself repeatedly in the eyeball with a fork.

December 21, 2013

HAVE A COOL YULE, Y'ALL

This blog will be spending the Christmas holiday at a secret undisclosed location, so blogging will be sporadic for the next week or so. We leave you with this important message:

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IF THAT DOESN'T RESTORE THEM TO INTERNATIONAL PROMINENCE, WE DON'T KNOW WHAT WILL

Textopornographie: France creates its own word for 'sexting'

(Thanks to The Perts)

LET'S BE CAREFUL OUT THERE

Sex Accidents Send Victims to Emergency Room Twice a Week

(Thanks to Horace LaBadie)

ALWAYS A SHREWD LEGAL MANEUVER

Fayette County Sheriff's deputies say a man who was driving erratically drank men's cologne to mask the scent of alcohol as he was being stopped Wednesday morning.

(Thanks to J.R. Absher)

TREND ALERT

Alligators becoming the new pit bulls for drug dealers

(Thanks to Loudmouth)

THIS SHOULD BE TAUGHT IN ELEMENTARY SCHOOL

How do you get a bobcat out of your window blinds?

(Thanks to The Perts)

THIS JUST IN

Dong goes solo off Netherlands

(Thanks to Unholy Slacker)

CRIMINAL MASTERMIND OF THE WEEK SO FAR

The owner of the house woke up, ready to go to work, only to find Severn hanging over his toilet.

(Thanks to Unholy Slacker)

FLORIDA MOTORIST OF THE WEEK SO FAR

Pompano Beach motorist charged with striking cyclist, then driving for 2 miles with injured man on back of car

(Thanks to Another Ralph)

December 20, 2013

WE CERTAINLY HOPE SO

Could an Octopus Really Be Terrorizing Oklahoma's Lakes?

(Thanks to Another Ralph)

The Dream: OCTOPUSNADO!

GET THAT NOBEL PRIZE READY

Scientists send text message through evaporated vodka

(Thanks to Another Ralph, Jay Brandes and Alkali Bill)

WE LOVE THIS MAN

Mayor Rob Ford has been filmed dancing in the Toronto City Council to songs including Bob Marley's 'One Love'.

(Thanks to Monique)

INCREDIBLY, THIS DID NOT HAPPEN IN FLORIDA

Man Arrested For DWI After Showing Up Drunk To Motor Vehicle Test

(Thanks to Rob Simbeck and Jonh Gregg)

WE'LL TAKE A HALF-DOZEN

McDonald's Has To Get Rid Of 10 Million Pounds Of Mighty Wings

(Thanks to DaveM)

WHO'S A GOOD BOY?

Staffordshire Bull Terrier Barney enjoys diet of women's knickers

(Thanks to Jan in Grimsby)

IT WAS ASKING FOR IT

Texas Gun Club grand opening goes wrong when employee shoots own hand

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

THERE IS NOTHING LEFT TO BELIEVE IN

‘Eh’ on the decline as young, urban Canadians adopt new expressions

(Thanks to The Perts)

EXCITING NEWS FOR COMMUTERS

Urine detection system installed in Atlanta transit station elevator

(Thanks to Healthcare Steve, who says "Letting everyone know we have 'fixed' the problem will definitively clean up Atlanta's reputation.")

WHY WE DRINK BEER

A Perth woman who drank bottled water containing semen is suing the deli owner who sold the water and whose DNA matched the sperm.

(Thanks to Janice Gelb, who observes, quote, "Ewwww.")

AND IF THAT HEADLINE DOESN'T SOUND SEXY ENOUGH, WAIT 'TIL YOU SEE THE PHOTO

Knickers are downloaded as couple produce underwear on 3D printer

(Thanks to Unholy Slacker)

THE NEWS FROM THE CZECH REPUBLIC

Environment Ministry ends year with bird and beaver underwear

This has been The News From The Czech Republic.

(Thanks to Unholy Slacker)

 
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