Dave Barry's Blog

WHAT COULD POSSIBLY GO WRONG?

Latest Obamacare 'fix': Turn it over to porn guys

(Thanks to Peter Metrinko)

WHAT'S THAT SMELL?

Lady Gaga's pee turned into perfume

(Thanks to Ralph and Unholy Slacker)

LOOKING FOR TERRIBLE GIFT IDEAS?

Here you go.

NOW WITH ADDED PROTEIN

When Misty went to pour the green bag of frozen Kroger-brand green beans into the pan, she found a severed snake head.

(Thanks to Craig Roberts)

IT PAYS TO BE MINTY

Provo plane passenger who exposed ‘minty’ genitals found not guilty

(Thanks to Unholy Slacker)

I THINK THE WORD HE WANTS IS 'CRACKDOWN'

Tory peer calls for clampdown on mooning after 40 schoolkids expose their backsides at him and wife

(Thanks to Jay Brandes)

Related: Woman moons bar, claims religious freedom

(Thanks to Unholy Slacker)

WISDOM

Marry Someone As Drunk As You

(Thanks to Jay Brandes and Chris Knight)

ONE MORE REMAINDERS PHOTO

Here's beloved South Florida radio guy Paul Castronovo singing ZZ Top's "Sharp Dressed Man." That's Greg Iles on the left.

THE REMAINDERS

I apologize for the light blogging, but the Miami Book Fair is going on this weekend and the Remainders are in town. We played last night, and we had an eclectic group on stage. (I am using "eclectic" in the sense of "not all that good at music.") Shown in the photo below are (from left) James McBride, who just won the National Book Award for his novel The Good Lord Bird; Josh Hanagarne, an author who is also the World's Strongest Librarian; Brian Boitano, who won the men's singles figure skating Olympic gold medal in 1988; Scott Turow and (just barely visible) Amy Tan.

Here's Roger McGuinn, who is actually quite talented and may have a future in the entertainment business.

Here are Ridley Pearson, me and Mitch Albom.

SEND IT ETC.

Giant Huntsman Spider: World's Largest Spider By Leg Span

(Thanks to Bill Hudgins)

 

IT'S A MYSTERY, ALL RIGHT

$50,000 Agreed to probe smells at Sewage plant

(Thanks to Unholy Slacker)

GUYS IN THANKSGIVING ACTION

Carving a turkey with an elephant rifle.

(Thanks to Jon Harris)

AS WELL IT SHOULD

The D.C. Government now owns a strip club

(Thanks to wiredog)

NOW *THAT* IS ENTERTAINMENT

Woman with a slab of meat tied to her has to outrun giant lizard in bizarre Japanese TV show

(Thanks to Bob Brogan)

SEND THIS TOWN TO WASHINGTON

Utah town forgets to hold election — again

(Thanks to Chris Elzi)

TEMPTING!

This Hideous All-Purple Home Could Be Yours for $644K

(Thanks to Ralph)

THIS COULD DESTROY OUR WAY OF LIFE

A restaurant owner in an Arab village outside of Jerusalem says he is on a mission to save culinary culture by making diners a simple offer: Turn off your cellphone and get a 50 percent discount.

(Thanks to coscolo)

FORTUNATELY FOR HIM THEY HAD VALID FLORIDA LICENSES

Jose Canseco pulled over by police with goats wearing diapers in his car

(Thanks to JaninGrimsby)

CRUEL

McDonald's restaurant turns to opera to drive out loitering teenagers

(Thanks to Rob Simbeck)

EVERYBODY GRAB A PITCHFORK AND MEET ME AT FCC HEADQUARTERS

U.S. to Consider Cellphone Use on Planes

(Thanks to Bill Hudgins)

HE WAS TRYING TO SCARE AWAY THE 'IMAGINARY PEOPLE'

Man on bath salts impersonates chicken, lands in jail

(Thanks to Bill Hudgins, who says "His family bailed him out because they needed the eggs." Also thanks to Duane Carrell)

'I COULD YANK ALL DAY AND NOT BREAK THIS THING'

Condom Contest Produces 812 Ideas for Improvement

(Thanks to Peter [!] Metrinko and JD)

WE'LL JUST HAVE A PRETZEL, THANKS

Would you eat cheese made from HUMAN FEET and ARMPITS?

(Thanks to Bart King, Shannon Walker, Ian Clark, Michael Huber, Nelson Furlano, Jeff Schneider, Another Ralph, Steve @ Secret Location and funny man)

CSI: KALISPELL

Sack of potatoes subdued without incident

It was released after producing a valid Florida driver's license.

(Thanks to Stephen Keating)

BECAUSE FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS DRESS AS POODLES

Man dressed as poodle set on fire by friend

(Thanks to Unholy Slacker)

YOU KNOW YOU WANT IT

Space Nuts Are in a Bidding War Over Buzz Aldrin’s Underwear

(Thanks to Janice Gelb)

AND THEY 'SUPPLEMENTED' HER KIDS' LUNCH WITH... RITZ CRACKERS

Mom fined $10 by daycare for packing ‘unhealthy’ lunch

(Thanks to coscolo and Jon Harris)

SOON WE WILL HAVE NO CONSTITUTIONAL RIGHTS LEFT

Professional chicken catcher fired over his attitude can't get jobless aid, Pa. court says

(Thanks to Matt Filar)

YOU THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME

You Can Now Blow All Your Bitcoins on Fake Boobs in Miami

(Thanks to zamasama)

WE SAW THEM OPEN FOR FALLING COWS

Flock of feral Turkeys causes flap in NYC

(Thanks to funny man)

THERE IS NOTHING LOWER

Officials at the Merrimack River Feline Rescue Society say someone stole the shelter's entire supply of kitty litter over the weekend.

(Thanks to The Perts)

THOSE TERRORIST BASTARDS

Cows fall through roof into Lamorna artist's workshop

(Thanks to Arctic Al, who saw Falling Cows open for Led Zeppelin; also DaninTustin)

A FLORIDA PILOT'S LICENSE IS ON THE WAY

An enormous cargo plane, a Boeing 747 Dreamlifter, mistakenly landed late Wednesday at the wrong airport in Wichita and was stuck there overnight.

(Thanks to Claire Martin, Not My Usual Alias, Another Ralph, funny man and The Perts)

FOR AULD LANG SYNE, DUDE

Pa. town to celebrate New Year with giant mushroom

(Thanks to Omniskeptic)

For the record, this blog used to live in Kennett Square.

IT WAS RETURNED TO THE FOREST, WHERE IT CLEARLY BELONGS

Moose-eating shark rescued in Newfoundland harbour

(Thanks to Mike Ester)

THANK GOD FOR STUDIES

Study: Men With Attractive Wives More Satisfied In Marriage

(Thanks to Allen at Division)

THIS JUST IN

Fear for house prices as 'estate resembles giant penis' when viewed from above

(Thanks to Unholy Slacker)

WHAT'S THAT SMELL?

Honda's "Hydrogen Boy" pees his way to a cleaner world

(Thanks to Unholy Slacker)

TERRORISM UPDATE

Exotic dung beetles cleared for release in New Zealand could become flying "faecal bombs", says a review of belated research into health risks from the insects.

(Thanks to Unholy Slacker)

WHO DOESN'T NEED A $695 CASHMERE SKI MASK?

Some potential shoppers were "disappointed" with the pricey line, while others were willing to drop a few thousand dollars for a piece of Jay Z's look.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

MOTHER NATURE: ON DRUGS, OR WHAT?

Insect with iridescent tuft of 'hair' discovered in South American rainforest

(Thanks to Bill Hudgins, who says "At least it's not a mullet.")

STANDARDS

An Indian state government announced politicians will not be allowed to run for office unless they have toilets in their homes.

(Thanks to Ralph)

YOU GUYS ARE GONNA BE *SO* DISAPPOINTED

French weather girl keeps to her word and presents her forecast in the nude

(Thanks to Janice Gelb and Jeff Meyerson)

THAT'S NOT THE PLANET WE WOULD HAVE GUESSED

S.S. Singh, Scatomancer, Predicts Future By Analyzing Fecal Matter In New Documentary 'Journey To Planet Sanity'

(Thanks to Unholy Slacker)

MEANWHILE IN SPORTS

Chi Chi Rodriguez nailed himself in the groin with a golf ball

(Thanks to Janice Gelb)

DOO-DAH, DOO-DAH

Starling Dung Rains Down on Rome

(Thanks to Nelson from Michigan, who claims he saw Starling Dung Rains open for Joe Cocker)

IN THAT CASE, SIR, YOU ARE FREE TO GO

Man who ‘exposed himself’ tells police: ‘I was just airing out my penis’

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson and DaninTustin)

Guess the state.

IT WAS ASKING FOR IT

Supermarket shopper arrested after accidentally shooting can of beans

(Thanks to DaninTustin)

THIS MAY EXPLAIN WHY PEOPLE TAKE SO LONG IN THERE

Hidden bullion found in Indian plane's toilet

(Thanks to Jay Brandes)

'IT'S GOING TO BE A CONVERSATION MAKER'

It's an eye-opening new procedure being done in New York for the first time: a woman is getting a piece of platinum jewelry placed in her eye.

"Conversation maker" is one way to describe it.

(Thanks to coscolo)