Dave Barry's Blog

BRILLIANT

A motorist in Germany hid in the boot of her car for a day-and-a-half after crashing into a wall while under the influence of alcohol.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

IN THAT CASE, SIR, YOU ARE FREE TO GO

Man told police he was fleeing zombies when he stole truck

(Thanks to DaninTustin)

ATTENTION, SHOPPERS

Today is Small Business Saturday, and a bunch of authors will be working at their local independent bookstores. From 4 to 6 p.m. I'll be at Books and Books in Coral Gables, so if you need to shop for books, come see me and I will do my best to help you, probably by asking somebody who actually knows something.

BONUS: They also sell wine and beer at Books and Books.

GOOD LUCK WITH THAT, ORGANIZERS

An enormous and iconic straw goat that gets illegally torched almost every Christmas is to be unveiled to the Gävle public on Sunday, with organizers confident a changed in design will keep arsonists at bay.

(Thanks to Joe in Japan)

THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH

The human species began as the hybrid offspring of a male pig and a female chimpanzee, a leading geneticist has suggested.

(Thanks to Jan in Grimsby)

WITHOUT REGULATIONS, WE WOULD HAVE ANARCHY

Topless Colorado barber charged with cosmetology without a licence

(Thanks to The Perts)

IT'S THE MOST WONDERFUL TIME OF THE YEAR

Women get in stun-gun fight at mall

(Thanks to Ron G. and Jeff Meyerson)

SOON WE WILL HAVE NO CONSTITUTIONAL RIGHTS LEFT

Judge fines Helena couple for bucket of bear paws in restaurant

(Thanks to Michael Leone)

WHAT'S THAT SMELL?

These Colorful Floor Tiles Were Made From Snail Poop

(Thanks to DaninTustin)

AND THE SO-CALLED 'UNITED NATIONS' DOES NOTHING

Nigeria sharia police smash 240,000 bottles of beer

(Thanks to Mag Last)

SHE HAD HER REASONS

Carson City woman jailed after allegedly lighting boyfriend's underwear on fire

(Thanks to Unholy Slacker)

TOTALLY JUSTIFIED

Omar Shabazz Thomas is on trial for allegedly beating Michael Lopatic last year when he became enraged because Lopatic had emptied a container of crab legs at the Star Buffet in East Lampeter Township.

(Thanks to Chuck Cody)

'THOUSANDS OF FOSSILIZED POOS'

A gigantic "communal latrine" created at the dawn of the dinosaurs has been unearthed in Argentina.

We saw Thousands of Fossilized Poos open for the Velvet Underground.

(Thanks to coscolo, Janice Gelb, DaninTustin, Bill Hudgins, Jay Brandes, John Gregg, Unholy Slacker and Anil Haji)

THAT TAKES A LOT OF... UM... COURAGE

American man crosses tightrope with safety harness tied to his GENITALS

(Thanks to Matt Filar and Unholy Slacker)

THIS IS EXACTLY WHY WE HAVE DRONES

Police warn of clown epidemic in Norfolk

(Thanks to Matt Filar, Jeff Meyerson and Chuck Cody)

IT PROBABLY HAS TO DO WITH LAUNDRY

Study Suggests Why, in Some Species, Mere Presence of Males Shortens Females' Lifespan

(Thanks to Monique and Omniskeptic)

WE HAVE NO EARTHLY IDEA WHAT THIS MEANS, BUT IT HAS A NICE RING TO IT

Rice Bond Flop Adds to Yingluck Protest Misfortune

(Thanks to The Perts)

WE'RE GOING TO BE SICK

Kidnapped Utah squirrel returns home for the holidays

(Thanks to Claire Martin and Omniskeptic)

IT'S THE MOST WONDERFUL TIME OF THE YEAR

Rialto Walmart Thanksgiving brawl sends one police officer to hospital

IT'S THANKSGIVING, BUT IT'S ALSO CHANUKAH, WHICH MEANS...

Happy Thanksgivukkah!

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

THINGS TO BE THANKFUL FOR

3. That we're not eating Thanksgiving dinner here.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

4. Or, here.

(Thanks to Mark Buckley)

THINGS TO BE THANKFUL FOR

2. That we don't live in the 15th century.

(Thanks to The Perts and Ryan Jentzsch)

THINGS TO BE THANKFUL FOR

1. That this thing is not bigger.

(Thanks to Rich Steurer)

HAPPY THANKSGIVING, YOU GUYS

Beware the Ticking Meat Bomb of Death.

DOO-DAH, DOO-DAH

Phallic sculptor strikes again

(Thanks to Unholy Slacker and The Perts)

WHOA

Check out this amazing, and obviously graphic, footage of a whale exploding. 

(Thanks to Matt Robare, Rick Day, Jeff Meyerson, The Perts, Ralph and David M)

YOUR CALL IS IMPORTANT TO US...

You have reached your limit of complaints regarding the Miami Herald paywall. Please subscribe to the Miami Herald to continue sending us your complaints.

(Or, you could try reading this version of the Gift Guide.)

WE'RE NOT EATING THEM* FAST ENOUGH

Cow FLATULENCE, gas emissions MUCH WORSE than thought - boffins

(Thanks to Joe in Japan and Unholy Slacker)

*I mean the cows, not the boffins.

PEOPLE OF MIAMI BEACH:

Stay out of the water.

(Thanks to The Perts)

CIVIL ENGINEER OF THE WEEK

Unfortunately, etc.

Another profile our strict policy prohibits us from linking to can be found here.

As well as here.

(Thanks to Unholy Slacker)

FLATHEAD: A COUNTY GRIPPED BY FEAR

11:26 a.m. A dog, who normally wears a coat, was seen sitting in its front yard without proper winter attire.

(Thanks to funny man)

GUY PRIORITIES

Man to sell testicle to buy sports car

(Thanks to nursecindy and DaninTustin)

THAT IS LOW

Man steals pack of human excrement from young mother in Moscow

(Thanks to Unholy Slacker)

THIS WAS A BETTER WORLD WHEN PEOPLE GENERALLY KEPT PLACENTAS OUT OF SIGHT

Artist turns placenta into photo frames

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

WE SAW THEM OPEN FOR PHISH

Storms of 'sea snot' muck up the ocean floor

(Thanks to Aaron Spetner)

YOU BETTER WATCH OUT

Mall Santa arrested for pinching co-worker

(Thanks to Bill Hudgins and Omniskeptic)

WHERE THE *HELL* IS THE NATIONAL GUARD?

(Sent in by everyone in North and South America)

TIME TO GET PRODUCTIVE, PEOPLE

Find the invisible cow.

(Thanks to Will Dwayer, who says, "Minutes of fun!")

PERHAPS THIS WILL REFRESH YOUR MEMORY

Photo of Rick Springfield's buttocks shown to jury

(Thanks to Neil Sullivan)

IT WOULD BE A HUGE MISTAKE TO USE IT ON THIS BLOG

Simulator could let humans 'taste the internet'

(Thanks to The Perts)

ENTREPRENEUR OF THE WEEK SO FAR

A man is facing drug charges for allegedly selling drugs out of a Nashville-area daycare.

(Thanks to Bill Hudgins)

GO FIGURE

Painting of Danish royal family criticized as 'creepy'

(Thanks to Bob Brogan)

URGENT CELEBRITY BULLETIN

Liam Hemsworth and Josh Hutcherson bonded over vomit

(Thanks to Chuck Cody)

FLATHEAD: THE COUNTY WHERE CRIME NEVER SLEEPS

10:53 a.m. A Kalispell man finds his nephew’s Facebook page “disturbing.”

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

SO WE'LL TAKE THAT AS A 'NO COMMENT'

British pol threatens to ‘nail’ reporter’s genitals ‘to the floor’

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

WE'LL JUST HAVE PIZZA, THANKS

Human Waste Found in Chinese Soy Sauce

(Thanks to Unholy Slacker)

IS THERE A PROBLEM, OFFICER?

Naked man in high heels, turban arrested on drug charges in Augusta

(Thanks to Ryan Jentzsch)

MAN'S BFF

Dog needs surgery after actually eating homework

(Thanks to Ralph)

GET THAT NOBEL PRIZE READY

Dancing chicken sperm take the prize in 'Dance Your Ph.D.' contest

(Thanks to Bill McGeachen and Jon Harris)

IN MIAMI, THIS IS HOW WE SIGNAL OUR TURNS

"We believe she left the roadway due to a distraction from fireworks being ignited inside the vehicle," he said.

(Thanks to Jon Harris)