Dave Barry's Blog

HEAVEN FORBID YOU SHOULD BE ABLE TO USE THE BIKE-SHARE SYSTEM WITHOUT GETTING A SAFE-SEX LECTURE

B-cycle partnered with the local condom company to put sponsored safety messages on its 150-bicycle fleet. Below a slogan from Sir Richard's there will be reminders to obey traffic signs, use hand signals, stay off sidewalks and pedestrian malls, and, of course, wear a helmet.

(Thanks to Claire Martin)

A QUESTION WE ALL NEED TO PONDER MORE OFTEN

Why doesn't the franchise auto populate?

(Thanks to Ralph)

CHINA: LAND OF MYSTERY

When Lili arrived at the hotel, she discovered that Old Wang, her father-in-law, was the man with whom she had been chatting.

(Thanks to Another Ralph)

HUGH WENT AS A PATHETIC OLD MAN

Hugh Hefner's wife and Paris Hilton dress as Miley Cyrus for Halloween

(Thanks to The Perts)

WE BELIEVE THEY TOURED WITH THE COWSILLS

Chobani hopes to fix smelly whey pond

(Thanks to Craig Roberts)

CSI: THE SEA

Sea lion steals fish.

(Thanks to Janice Gelb)

THEY'D USE MANILOW, BUT THEN THEY'D CATCH HELL FROM THE HUMAN-RIGHTS GROUPS

Britney Spears music blasted out by merchant navy to SCARE off Somali pirates

(Thanks to Allen at Division and groanup)

THERE IS A GOD

Lightning Strikes Clown Twice On Same Day

(Thanks to DaninTustin)

BULLETIN BULLETIN BULLETIN

Kim Kardashian thinks very highly of her lady parts claiming her vagina looks even better since she gave birth to daughter North.

(Thanks to Unholy Slacker)

ATTENTION, INVESTORS

Epiditi Male Genitals Cooling/Heating Solution Looking for Crowdfunding

(Thanks to Unholy Slacker)

SOUNDS EFFECTIVE

Phuket police grab privates in police theft case

(Thanks to Unholy Slacker)

AS IS HIS CONSTITUTIONAL RIGHT

Man marked his birthday by urinating against Sunderland library in broad daylight

(Thanks to Unholy Slacker)

A SMART CRIMINAL WOULD HAVE WORN SOMEBODY ELSE'S UNDERPANTS

Conviction for failed bank robber caught fleeing in his underpants

(Thanks to Unholy Slacker)

AFTER WHICH THEY WILL BE TOURING WITH METALLICA

Poo-flingers spend the weekend locked up

(Thanks to Unholy Slacker)

THE GREAT DOG UPRISING

Any day now.

(Thanks to Matt Filar)

LIKE, GOOD LUCK WITH THAT

An academy in south London has banned popular slang words used by pupils in an effort to improve standards of English.

(Thanks to The Perts)

FLORIDA: THE CLASSY STATE

A pair of Florida men decided to celebrate Halloween this year by dressing up as George Zimmerman and Trayvon Martin, complete with blackface and blood-stained hoodie.

(Thanks to Chris Elzi)

ATTENTION, NOBEL PRIZE JUDGES

Scentee, which is made by a Japanese company with the same name, plugs into your phone and releases a chosen scent when you get a notification. That means that every time someone comments on your Facebook post or sends you an email, you could get a whiff of lavender or coconut or coffee.

(Thanks to Ken Fineberg, who says: "Eew what's that smell? Oh it's the boss calling.")

WHEN SAUSAGE GOES BAD

Shortly after 6 a.m. an employee was alerted by a customer that a hypodermic syringe had been found stabbed into a Jimmy Dean sausage tube.

(Thanks to Craig Roberts)

THIS IS WHY YOU SHOULD LEAVE THE TREATS OUT IN THE OPEN

Fire officials said a dog reaching for treats started a fire that caused some smoke damage to an apartment in Wenatchee.

(Thanks to Craig Roberts)

MAN UP, NORWAY

Norway store withdraws bloody severed hands

(Thanks to Joe in Japan)

THERE IS NOTHING LOWER

Police hunt for liquorice thief

(Thanks to Joe in Japan and Ralph)

CAN THIS BE REAL?

DentiDrill: The World's First Professional Dental Drill for Personal Use

(Thsnks to Jon Harris)

Update: It's not for real. It's a clever ad by Dutch health insurance company Ixorg designed to encourage people to pay monthly premiums to cover their dental treatment. -- John Finn

THESE ARE SUCH FUN TIMES WE LIVE IN

High school requires signed dance contract that bans twerking

(Thanks to Jon Harris)

CONGRATS!

An Australian couple thought they'd won a dream vacation when they were revealed as the "lucky" winners of a contest they'd entered online. It turns out the competition, from bogus Canada-based tour company AusCan Tours, was effectively an application to be drug mules.

(Thanks to Ron G.)

OTHER THAN THAT HE DID A FINE JOB

A psychic bus driver has been sacked after refusing to pick up schoolchildren because he had a premonition 'that something bad would happen'.

(Thanks to DaninTustin)

WHEN WE'RE LOOKING FOR INFORMATION ON THE BENEFITS OF HYDRATION

We turn to Pole Dance Magazine Online.

(Thanks to funny man)

CLASSICAL MUSIC REPORT

Unfortunately our strict policy prohibits us from bringing you the Classical Music Report.

(Thanks to Unholy Slacker)

TRICKY JOB FOR THE TAXIDERMIST

Norwegian hunter misses elk, hits man on toilet instead

(Thanks to Unholy Slacker)

SUAVE

Athens Clarke police arrested a 23-year-old man early Thursday morning after he allegedly bit a woman’s buttocks in a downtown Athens bar.

(Thanks to Unholy Slacker and funny man)

ATTENTION, NOBEL PRIZE JUDGES

OgilvyOne Athens designed a special high-tech bra that tweets each time it is unclasped

(Thanks to Brian Duval)

TERRORISM UPDATE

A brace of ducks wandered into a CVS in Saratoga Springs recently.

(Thanks to Matt Filar)

AND THEY SAY THERE ARE NO MORE HEROES

Georgia man ran back into burning house to save beer

(Thanks to Ralph, Tom Meerschaert, DaninTustin, Joe in Japan, Rod Kirby, funny man, Michael Morrow, Chris Knight and John Egan)

WE SAW THEM OPEN FOR PHISH

Are these the most terrifying trousers ever? The 17th century NECROPANTS made from corpse legs - and are supposed to be lucky

(Thanks to DaninTustin)

BUSTED

Iowa college says squirrel vandalized bicycle

(Thanks to Tom [Not That Tom] and funny man)

MEANWHILE IN THE ONGOING EFFORT TO TAKE THE FUN OUT OF ABSOLUTELY EVERYTHING

The investigation started by going to four popular Halloween retailers where people were found taking turns trying on rubber masks.  With so many people touching, breathing and sweating underneath these masks, we wondered about their cleanliness.

(Thanks to Craig Roberts)

BE ADVISED

Your face may have been sculpted by junk DNA

(Thanks to Ross Holley)

SEND THIS MOUSE TO WASHINGTON

Top scientists have discovered grasshopper mice feel no pain when they are stung in the face by scorpions: they simply carry on gobbling up the fearsome poisonous arachnids.

(With video)

(Thanks to Ross Holley)

PUT YOUR HANDS TOGETHER

...for Carpool Dummmies.

(Thanks to Craig Roberts)

CALIFORNIA

Homeowner claims sasquatch has moved next door and is throwing rocks at him

(Thanks to Jon Harris)

WE SAW THEM OPEN FOR THE DEAD

Italian police bust ring of corrupt morticians

(Thanks to Bob Brogan)

IN MIAMI, THIS PERSON WOULD SURVIVE FOR PERHAPS EIGHT SECONDS

Chicken Decoy Helps Police Nail 31 Drivers In Lake Elsinore

(Thanks to Ryan Jentzsch)

CSI: GUERNSEY

When the Night Wardens arrived at the scene, they found three hens in the men’s toilet at North Beach car park in St Peter Port.

(Thanks to Ralph)

AND THE SO-CALLED 'DEPARTMENT OF JUSTICE' DOES NOTHING

People are hoarding Halloween cereals.

Key Cereal-Smuggling Term: "Boo Berry mule."

(Thanks to nursecindy)

IT'S ALWAYS THE LAST PLACE YOU LOOK

Dental Implant Ends Up in Woman's Sinus

(Thanks to pjd)

PROBABLY BONEFISH

Mysterious hum keeping people up all night ‘could be mating fish’

(Thanks to coscolo)

MEANWHILE IN SPORTS

Six Belgian racing pigeons 'doped with drugs'

(Thanks to coscolo)

FINALLY

Funkybod: A push-up undershirt for men

(Thanks to coscolo)

WHO SAYS ROMANCE IS DEAD?

A real life Fru T. Bunn baker who specialises in making edible gingerbread sex objects has agreed to pay compensation for sexual harassment to two young female workers after he gave them gingerbread penises topped with whipped cream.

(Thanks to Julius Marx)

PLEASE CELEBRATE RESPONSIBLY

As observed every year by the Anal community, Anal Taangpi Valing (ATV) has organised the celebration of 'Chavan Kumhrin, 2013

(Thanks to Unholy Slacker)