Dave Barry's Blog

HALLOWEEN IN MIAMI

Here I am with the city commissioners.

WHO SAYS ROMANCE IS DEAD?

Cushing man gets jail for striking estranged wife with genitalia

(Thanks to Unholy Slacker)

TERRORISM UPDATE

School Shut Down and Kids Hospitalized After 6th Grade Boys Spray Too Much Axe

(Thanks to Ned Tugent)

HE GAVE THE WORLD ONE OF THE GREATEST MOMENTS EVER

Exploding-whale engineer George Thornton has died at age 84

(Thanks to Not my Usual Alias, and Dean and Kurt Smith)

PETER AND THE STARCATCHER UPDATE

The mermaids go to Starbucks.

WELL OK, THEN

Dell Says Cat Pee Smell In Laptops Is Neither Urine Nor Hazardous

(Thanks to funny man)

THE ECONOMIST COVERS 'FLORIDA MAN'

...and quotes some leading Florida authorities.

(Thanks to Jim Kenaston and Ryan Jentzsch)

CANADA: LAND OF EXCITMENT

For the 2nd time this month, a shrub in a public park has been reshaped into a penis

(Thanks to The Perts)

A FLORIDA TOW-TRUCK-OPERATOR LICENSE IS ON THE WAY

Oops.

Advisory: Language. But not without reason.

(Thanks to Jan in Grimsby)

GET BEHIND IT

Unicef Launching "Take The Poo To Loo" Campaign In India

(Thanks to Unholy Slacker)

WHAT THE WORLD NEEDS NOW

Japan’s Latest Invention: Camel Toe Underwear

(Thanks to Bob Brogan)

TOTALLY JUSTIFIED

A Kingsport woman's food cravings allegedly ran amok Wednesday morning, as her boyfriend's refusal to visit McDonald's spurred her to run him over with a pickup truck — striking him three times.

(Thanks to Bill Hudgins)

ZESTY!

The Food and Drug Administration (FDA) said that as much as 12 percent of imported spices were contaminated with “filth,” such as salmonella, insect, excrement and hair over a three-year period.

(Thanks to Unholy Slacker)

WE ARE SO THERE

Everybody has it, and solo performance artist Katy Rydell promises to present a lively “montage of the world’s collective wisdom about flatulence” on Saturday, Nov. 16, at the Donkey Mill Art Center in Holualoa.

(Thanks to Unholy Slacker)

IT ALSO MAKES A NICE MAILBOX

Vancouver company wants to squeeze you into 100-square-foot micro-homes

(Thanks to The Perts)

'HE HAS GOT SPECTACULAR WATTLES'

David Attenborough Narrates Miley Cyrus's VMA Twerk-formance

(Thanks to Ralph and wiredog)

WERE THEY BOXERS?

Man stole puppies from pet shops and stuffed them down underpants

(Thanks to Unholy Slacker)

WE THINK OUR DAUGHTER ALREADY HAS THIS

Brain Implants Will Be Connecting People To The Internet By The Year 2020

(Thanks to coscolo and Rob Simbeck, who asks, "How will the Kardashians plug in?")

GET THE NOBEL PRIZE READY

We have found absolutely NOTHING, crow physicists

(Thanks to The Perts)

We saw the Crow Physicists open for Whitesnake.

WHAT SEEMS TO BE THE PROBLEM?

Man calmly walks into hospital with 10 inch knife buried in his skull

(Thanks to Jeffrey Brown)

GUYS IN ACTION

A Chinese pilot opens a beer bottle with a helicopter.

(Thanks to Janice Gelb)

THE HALLOWEEN FUN NEVER STOPS

Woman in ‘abusive wife’ costume beats up boyfriend in ‘abused husband’ T-shirt

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson, Bill Hudgins and Omniskeptic)

NEW YORK ART UPDATE

Topless paparazzo wins $40,000 settlement from city

Holly Van Voast claims she was arrested at least 10 times since 2011 while touring the five boroughs with a painted-on moustache and a Marilyn Monroe wig, dubbing herself "Harvey Van Toast, the topless paparazzo."

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson and Janice Gelb)

HALLOWEEN APOCALYPSE UPDATE

Pornkins.

(Thanks to Omaha Bridget)

WE DON'T STAND FOR THIS KIND OF LAWLESSNESS

Black-market monkey operation closed in Miami

FLATHEAD COUNTY: WHERE IT'S ALWAYS HALLOWEEN

4:49 p.m. A Whitefish woman reported that a small herd of donkeys ran by her window.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

THIS JUST IN

Google Earth shows phallic-looking church in Dixon, USA

(Thanks to ligirl, Unholy Slacker and ubetcha)

FRANCE ON HIGHEST POSSIBLE ALERT

There's a global wine shortage

(Thanks to Jon Harris)

WE OBJECT

Law Firm Memo To Women: No Giggling, No Squirming, No Cleavage

(Thanks to Craig Roberts)

HALLOWEEN IN TENNESSEE

Teen Shot While Toilet Papering Principal’s House

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

IT'S JUST COMMON SENSE

Beware spruikers who just 'feed the chooks'

(Thanks to Joe in Japan)

THANKS FOR THE IMAGE

Europe looks to make a big splash with toilet reform

(Thanks to Jay Brandes)

ON THE PLUS SIDE, IT'S TOTALLY FREE OF MICE

A number of Dell users have complained that their Latitude 6430u Ultrabooks "smell of cat urine".

(Thanks to Jay Brandes and Jon Harris)

LEGAL STRATEGY OF THE WEEK SO FAR

Dallas identity thief convicted after eating debit card to conceal tax fraud

(Thanks to Ron G.)

*WE'RE* NOT SAYING THIS. *SCIENTISTS* ARE SAYING THIS.

Scientists say women have evolved to be ‘indirectly aggressive’

(Thanks to Ron G.)

YOU KNOW WHAT ELSE IS GOOD FOR YOU? NOT BEING STUPID.

Indonesian spa gives massages by draping your body in SNAKES because the ‘fear is good for you’

(Thanks to Ron G.)

MEANWHILE ABROAD

Sporting ladyboys do their bit for charity

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson, who asks, "Didn't they open for Manilow?")

APPARENTLY MINDING HER OWN BUSINESS IS NOT AN OPTION

A Fargo, N.D., woman says she will give trick-or-treaters that she deems 'moderately obese' a letter instead of candy this Halloween.

(Thanks to Joe in Japan)

STAND TALL, NEW JERSEY

World's largest chicken nugget on display in Secaucus

(Thanks to Chris Curvey and Barbara A)

CLASSY!

Selfies at Funerals

(Thanks to Sean in Akron)

THERE IS NOTHING LEFT TO BELIEVE IN

Miss Bumbum rocked by bribery claims

(Thanks to Ralph)

MEANWHILE IN SPORTS

Competitive eating champion Joey Chestnut added another record to his total by downing 121 Twinkies in 6 minutes at a Mississippi event.

(Thanks to [appropriately enough] Ralph)

SOON WE WILL HAVE NO CONSTITUTIONAL RIGHTS LEFT

A judge last week ordered a man to spend three weekends in jail after he pleaded guilty to charges he ran naked around a westside Athens apartment complex while shaking his penis.

(Thanks to Unholy Slacker)

WE'RE GUESSING HER LUGGAGE WINDS UP IN VEGAS

Avios mix-up sees woman fly to Grenada, not Granada

(Thanks to The Perts)

HOW CAN WE JOIN?

Ethiopia Continues to Support Loins Club

(Thanks to Unholy Slacker)

AND NOW FOR THE WEATHER

It’s raining snakes in Phuket Town

(Thanks to Unholy Slacker)

WE'VE DEALT WITH CRITICS LIKE THAT

San Francisco Library Urinator Damages $3,000 Worth of Books

(Thanks to Unholy Slacker)

MEANWHILE IN SHOW BUSINESS

Taiwanese singer Jam Hsiao narrowly escapes fecal attack

(Thanks to Unholy Slacker)

WE TAKE BACK ALL OF OUR PREVIOUS NOBEL NOMINATIONS

How To Make Fart Sounds With Hair Gel And Hot Nickel

(Thanks to Joe in Japan)

SCIENCE

Yes, men really do ogle women's bodies

(Thanks to Nelson from Michigan, Chris Elzi, Ersin, Jeffrey Brown, Mag Last and DaninTustin)