Dave Barry's Blog

DATABASE MANAGEMENT CAN CAUSE A LOT OF STRESS

Strip Club Sues Oracle Over Unpaid $33,540 Tab

(Thanks to Jon Harris)

FLATHEAD COUNTY: THE DARK MYSTERY DEEPENS

1:08 p.m. A Montana State University student claimed that she needed an animal warden to help her graduate.

(Thanksto Jeff Meyerson)

'A SCATOLOGICAL FORCE FIELD'

Termites' powerful weapon against extermination? Their own poop

(Thanks to Rick Day and RussellMc)

IF THAT DOESN'T WORK, THEY MAY HAVE TO RESORT TO PLAYING 'COPACABANA'

Norway is trialling a new system of 'disco poles' to scare wandering elk away from oncoming road traffic.

(Thanks to Joe in Japan)

DOOMPADEE DO

Oompa Loompas Sentenced Over Drunken Brawl

(Thanks to DaninTustin)

IT'S GOOD TO BE A BABOON

Baboon grabs reporter's breast on live TV

(Thanks to Ralph)

FRANCE ON HIGH ALERT

Migrating Spiders Sailing Through North Texas Skies

(Thanks to Rob Simbeck)

NEW YORK: CITY OF STANDARDS

"Ducks don't belong on the subway."

(Thanks to Ralph)

THAT IS JUST *SICK*

Despite a seemingly unstoppable move to digital lifestyles, some 15 percent of Americans don't use the Internet, and most are quite content to remain offline, a survey shows.

(Thanks to Jon Harris)

DID YOU CHECK HIS TROUSERS?

Manhunt on for Willie Nelson’s armadillo

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson, who saw them open for Steely Dan)

(For those who don't get the trousers reference: link.)

NICE LITTLE PROVINCE YOU GOT HERE. WOULDN'T WANT TO SEE ANYTHING HAPPEN TO IT.

The Canada Revenue Agency issued a rebate cheque for nearly $400,000 to a top Quebec Mafia figure even though he owed the tax department $1.5 million at the time, heightening concerns of possible infiltration of the agency by organized crime.

(Thanks to The Perts)

YES, BUT CAN IT CHILL A WARM BEER IN LESS THAN A MINUTE?

The TomTato: Plant which produces both potatoes and tomatoes launched in UK

(Thanks to Jay Brandes)

ATTENTION, NOBEL PRIZE JUDGES

A drill-inspired gadget on Kickstarter promises to chill a warm beer in less than a minute.

(Thanks to funny man)

WE KEEP ASKING OURSELVES THIS VERY QUESTION

Jinggoy building multi-million-peso Wack-Wack house?

(Thanks to Roberto)

Didn't Wack-Wack House tour with the Stones?

PUT YOUR HANDS TOGETHER

...for Hanging Cheese.

(Thanks to Steve Hooley)

IT SEEMS LIKE YESTERDAY WHEN WE SAW THEM OPEN FOR GEYSER OF SEWAGE

Unrepentant Beavers sentenced to 6 months in prison

(Thanks to Unholy Slacker)

IT SEEMS LIKE YESTERDAY WHEN WE SAW THEM OPEN FOR THE RAMONES

Geyser of Sewage Came Out of Toilet

(Thanks to Unholy Slacker)

'SOME MUSIC WAS MEANT TO STAY UNDERGROUND'

Hard to argue.

(Thanks to Unholy Slacker)

BETTER SAFE THAN SORRY

Man grows new nose on his forehead

(Thanks to Julius Marx and funny man)

YIELD TO PLANES

At least twice in the past three weeks, drivers from out of town who followed the directions on their iPhones not only reached airport property, but also crossed the runway and drove to the airport ramp side of the passenger terminal.

(Thanks to Jay Brandes and Mark Buckley)

NOTHING HAS CHANGED

Egyptian Dog Mummy Infested with Bloodsucking Parasites

(Thanks to Dave Emery)

We bet it was constantly scratching to be let out of the pyramid.

YOU WILL BE SHOCKED TO LEARN WHAT APPARENTLY WAS INVOLVED

Genital shaker in Port St. Lucie blames ill-fitting trousers

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

OREGON MONEY FAIRY

People are finding $100 tucked in their groceries. At the Fred Meyer store on Southeast Commercial Street, managers said at least 12 customers over the past few weeks have found $100 bills in their purchases or tucked away somewhere in the store.

(Thanks to Craig Roberts)

SAFEGUARD OF THE WEEK SO FAR (SEE HIGHLIGHTS)

(Thanks to Bob Fulford)

HEY, THERE'S A LOT OF STRESS INVOLVED IN MAINTAINING WORLD PEACE

For this New York strip club, the annual U.N. meeting tends to be one of the best weekends for business.

(Thanks to Jon Harris)

SAM GOES TO CHURCH

An essay by my little bro.

SPORTS UPDATE FROM THE CAPITAL OF SOPHISTICATION

Mariano Rivera Bobblehead Night Turns Into ‘Mayhem’ At Yankee Stadium

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

THE SEA

It holds many mysteries.

(Thanks to Mag Last)

MAYBE THEY WERE JUST UNUSUALLY LARGE SQUIRRELS

Decatur man reports gorillas and fires shots, police say

(Thanks to Ralph)

ALASKA

Around 9:15 p.m., C. Scott Fry, the hotel and bar manager, watched the black bear walk down the sidewalk past the hotel  lobby.  “And as soon as he got to the bar door, it made a left and walked in like he wanted to have a beer,” Fry said.

(Thanks to Ralph, and Kim Maiwurm)

Years ago, I walked out of a bar in downtown Anchorage, and there was a moose on the sidewalk.

Moral: Never leave the bar, unless there's a bear in it.

YOU THINK?

Welsh language campaigners want village of Varteg to be renamed 'Farteg' - but villagers fear it will make them the butt of playground jokes

(Thanks to DaninTustin)

GUESS THE STATE IN WHICH PEOPLE NEED TO BE TOLD THIS

It's not OK to pay your water bill with cocaine.

(Thanks to funny man and Jeff Meyerson)

WE SAW THEM OPEN FOR THE ANIMALS

Wild pigs menace suburban Atlanta

(Thanks to funny man, who suspects the squirrels are behind this) (Also thanks to Jeffrey Brown)

PAGING RON BURGUNDY

Local Weathermen Arrested After Fight Breaks Out Over Rain Chances for this Weekend

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson and Sharon Chapman)

YOUR URANUS JOKE GOES HERE

How Engineers Revamped Spitzer to Probe Exoplanets

(Thanks to Bill Hudgins)

WHY SHOULD ANCIENT BEAR BE ANY DIFFERENT?

Size Mattered to Ancient Bear, Penis Bones Suggest

(Thanks to Bill Hudgins)

ATTENTION, MEN OF THE GARDEN STATE

Man Hooks Testicle-Chomping Fish, Piranha's Cousin, in NJ Lake

(Thanks to Jay Brandes and Jeff Meyerson)

TOAD OF THE WEEK SO FAR

But upon close inspection the mysterious creature turned out to be a ground-dwelling cane toad, which somehow had just caught a bat.

(Thanks to Mag Last)

WAIT... WHAT?

Why do people want to eat babies? Scientists explain.

(Thanks to Bart King)

IF THAT'S WHAT YOU'RE LOOKING FOR

Penis Shrinkage Through Smoking

(Thanks to Unholy Slacker)

BECAUSE THIS IS THE PRACTICAL WAY TO DO IT

In Japan, a video has been posted on RocketNews24.com showing a user trying to lock and unlock the iPhone 5S with his nipples. And succeeding.

(Thanks to W. von Papineau)

ITS NATIONAL! PUNCTUATION, DAY?

Please "celebrate," appropriately;

(Thanks to Peter Metrinko)

 

WHAT COULD POSSIBLY GO WRONG?

Haunted house invites thrill-seekers to be scared in the nude

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

I'M GOING TO SPEND THE REST OF THE WEEK IN BED

Mick Jagger to Become Great-Grandpa

(Thanks to Janice Gelb)

TOTALLY PLAUSIBLE

SEPTEMBER 23--A college professor who used a camera pen to secretly film under the clothing of two students explained to police that he was attempting to gather evidence that one of the women “was not wearing undergarments,” which he thought was “inappropriate,” according to a police report.

(Thanks to DaninTustin)

Far be it from this blog to point out that he's a Gator.

HE IS CLEARLY QUALIFIED

An Alberta man who became a YouTube sensation for enthusiastically singing the song, “Bohemian Rhapsody” from the back seat of a police car is going into politics.  Robert Wilkinson is running for mayor of Edson, a town west of Edmonton.

(Thanks to The Perts)

BE ON THE LOOKOUT

A 24-year-old Dorchester woman reportedly told police she heard a knock at the window and looked up to find herself confronted with the buttocks of a Caucasian man.

(Thanks to Unholy Slacker)

YOUR DAILY SPORTS REPORT

‘I Got Hit So Hard I Farted’

This has been Your Daily Sports Report.

(Thanks to Unholy Slacker)

Update: A Ravens star was injured after he was hit over the head with a Champagne bottle. Sources tell WJZ Jacoby Jones was out with multiple other players when he was injured by a stripper.

(Thanks to Janice Gelb)

FINALLY, A CAUSE WORTH FIGHTING FOR

America's Best Restroom

(Thanks to Unholy Slacker)

 

BE ADVISED

Turns out 'flushable' wipes go down, but not out

(Thanks to many people)