Dave Barry's Blog

IF YOU THINK IT SOUNDS GOOD, WAIT UNTIL YOU SEE IT!

Badger stew dish of the day for British roadkill fan

(Thanks to Mag Last and Jon Harris)

YET ANOTHER WAY TO MAKE GOLF INTERESTING

More of this.

(Thanks to Bill Hudgins)

'A DEFIANT ACT AGAINST JESUS'

Twerking made illegal in Louisiana town

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

THE SCIENCE IS SETTLED

Saudi cleric says driving risks damaging women's ovaries

(Thanks to Kibby F5, who says "imagine the devastation horseback riding causes!")

OUR MONEY'S ON HER

At around 9:40 p.m. Thursday, Vancouver police received a report of Superman and Super Woman fighting outside Stadium SkyTrain station in downtown Vancouver.

(Thanks to Ralph)

MAYBE 'THINKS' IS NOT THE RIGHT WORD

I will never understand how a man thinks.  This shows you how to peel an apple with an electric drill.  They also use a bicycle pump as an apple corer.

-- nursecindy

IF THIS DOESN'T CAUSE THE CRIMINAL UNDERWORLD TO COWER IN TERROR, WE DON'T KNOW WHAT WILL

“Part of the Pink Label collection, RCMP Barbie is dressed in the uniform currently worn by the Royal Canadian Mounted Police, or Mounties, as they are widely known.”

(Thanks to The Perts)

A PROUD BOAST

"As far as we know we're the first in the world to train rats to be used in police investigations."

(Thanks to DaninTustin)

HE'S TOO BUSY LOOKING FOR THE REAL KILLER

Nevada officials: O.J. Simpson was not caught stealing cookies

(Thanks to The Perts)

THE TECH REPORT

Blogger uses genitals to unlock iPhone 5S

This has been the Tech Report.

(Thanks to The Perts)

IF YOU SEE ONLY ONE VIDEO THIS YEAR OF A TUBA SECTION SELF-DESTRUCTING

Make it this one.

(Thanks to Peter Metrinko)

A GIANT (BURRRPPP) FOR MANKIND

New Space Beer Is Made With Actual Moondust

(Thanks to DaninTustin)

YET ANOTHER WAY TO MAKE GOLF INTERESTING

Introduce foxes.

(Thanks to Monique)

IF YOU NEED ANTI-ZOMBIE SUPPLIES

You know what state you need to go to.

(Thanks to Bill Hudgins, Ron G., Rob Simbeck and Ersin)

DUDE

Wanna go for a hike?

(Thanks to Ralph)

FROG OF THE WEEK SO FAR

There's a new sheriff in the aquarium.

(Thanks to Mag Last)

WE'RE BEGINNING TO SUSPECT THAT THE WHOLE BIG-FLOATING-DUCK THING IS PART OF AN ELABORATE ALIEN-INVASION SCHEME

Pittsburgh greets big, floating duck

(Thanks to Janelle)

GUESS THE STATE WHERE THIS EDUCATOR IS EDUCATING

To explain how X+Y intercept, Johnson allegedly asked, "How about I get naked?" and simulated a strip tease that ended with her slamming her shoe on the student's desk.

(Thanks to Joe in Japan)

THEY LOVE CHILDREN

Brazil family fights to keep house-trained tigers

(Thanks to R&L Stevenson, who says "Emptying the litter box must be fun.")

YOU CAN FIND EVERYTHING ON THE INTERNET.

Everything.

(Thanks to Jon Harris)

ADVISORY: NSFW

UH-OH

Hotel linked to Stephen King to dig up pet cemetery

(Thanks to Jon harris, who asks, "What could possibly go wrong?")

WE THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME

Now You Can Rent a Backyard Chicken

(Thanks to Jon Harris)

WE ASSUME THESE WERE LARGE BILLS

School district accountant accused of stealing $3 million in school lunch money by stuffing it in her bra

(Thanks to Unholy Slacker)

ADVISORY TO PEOPLE WHO BELIEVE -- BECAUSE THE INTERNET SAID SO -- THAT IS IS LEGAL TO PLEASURE YOURSELF ON THE BEACH IN SWEDEN

Read this.

(Thanks to Joe in Japan)

THE NEWS FROM EUROPE

A spoof French news website had the last laugh this week after a story that claimed most French men thought the clitoris was a Toyota model, tricked members of the Italian media into mocking the naivité of their Latin rivals in France.

This has been The News From Europe.

(Thanks to Joe in Japan)

GET BACK TO US WHEN YOU HAVE A HYPERDRIVE

Harvard, MIT Scientists Create Real Lightsaber

(Thanks to The Perts)

INCLUDING THE PART WHERE HE DOESN'T EVEN COME CLOSE TO MAKING IT?

Man pays nearly $1 million to re-create Evel Knievel jump

(Thanks to Craig Roberts)

AND THEY ALL HAVE VALID DRIVERS' LICENSES

Wild Lizards Eating Family Pets In Florida

(Thanks to Mag Last)

WE WANT STEPHEN KING TO WRITE A NOVEL FEATURING THIS

Now TOTO has developed a toilet that travels to you, wherever you are.

WHEREVER YOU ARE.

(Thanks to James in NC)

WITH PARKING SKILLS LIKE THIS

...you could be a professional valet in Miami.

(Thanks to Dave Edmunds)

THIS TURNS OUT TO BE AGAINST THE LAW

Florida man steals ambulance with patient still inside

(Thanks to Ryan Jentzsch)

WELL OF COURSE HE DID

The Guy Who Invented the Whac-A-Mole Accidentally Blew Up A Florida Warehouse

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

NO WONDER THE SOCIALISTS WON THE RUSSIAN REVOLUTION

They had a giant robot.

(Thanks to wiredog)

NAME THAT STATE!

Laundry Rage.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson and Chris Elzi)

LITTLE KNOWING HOW DANGEROUS THEY CAN BE

Chiefs Player Overcomes Fear Of Horses By Playing With Horse Puppets

(Thanks to Chuck Cody)

MOTORIST ADVISORY

Flashing brake lights halts sexual rendezvous with stripper

(Thanks to R & L Steveson, who says, "Always keep your foot on the gas")

'ROCKY'

Woman upset she has to give up pet squirrel

(Thanks to Kibby F5)

FRANCE LOWERS ALERT LEVEL

City officials in San Diego said the annual July 4 marshmallow fight will no longer be allowed in the Ocean Beach neighborhood.

(Thanks to Ralph and The Perts)

READER COMPLAINT

I am very disappointed.  Nowhere in this book did it say it was not machine washable.  You need to put a warning on these things.  This is a copy of "Dave Barry Is Not Making This Up" after it went through an entire wash cycle.  I hope it does better in the dryer.

-- nursecindy

IN THAT CASE, SIR, YOU ARE FREE TO GO

Hubert Wayne Simmons thought that if he told the police officer who stopped him after a 100-mph chase that he had meth in his pocket, he wouldn't charge him with it.

(Thanks to Robert Mathis, who asks you to guess the state)

NOW WITH ADDED PROTEIN

'I could see the maggots': Ore. man finds worms in candy bar

(Thanks to Craig Roberts)

ATHLETE OF THE WEEK SO FAR

He will have to display deft fingerwork using just one hand to unclasp more than 69 bras in 60 seconds if he is to break Dutch-man Dennis Storm’s 2012 record.

(Thanks to John Finn)

BOLLARDS

Residents complain traffic barriers look like male organs

Story with photo here.

(Thanks to Unholy Slacker, Jeffrey Brown, Ralph, Another Ralph and Mag Last)

CELEBRITY GLAMOUR UPDATE

Farrah Abraham's Dad Will Only Talk About Daughter's Plastic Vagina Toys For Cash

(Thanks to Unholy Slacker)

MEANWHILE ABROAD

Giant White Underpants Hanging Outside Maldives Court Sparks Arrests

(Thanks to Unholy Slacker)

PEOPLE OF ROCHESTER:

I'll be there tomorrow night, at the Fringe Festival. This is my FIRST EVER Fringe Festival, so I am moderately terrified. Please come and hug me. Afterward we can slather ourselves with hand sanitizer.

WE USE IT OFTEN

Gates Would Delete ‘Control-Alt-Delete’ 'It was a mistake'

(Thanks to The Perts)

IF WE HAD A NICKEL FOR EVERY TIME THIS HAPPENED TO US...

Woman enters half-marathon, ends up winning full marathon by mistake

(Thanks to Chuck Cody)

PROFILES IN MATURITY

Cleveland Heights council candidate accused of pulling library director's hair

(Thanks to Unholy Slacker)

YOUR TUITION DOLLARS AT WORK

College to host orgasm workshop for female undergrads

(Thanks to Bill Hudgins)