Dave Barry's Blog

'NATURE'S DEADLIEST POLE DANCERS'

Bears getting funky in the woods.

(Thanks to Jon Harris)

'SOME LOCALS ARE WORRIED'

China has opened a zoo where children are encouraged to pet live tigers.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

OK, THEN

Court says prostitute cruising 'is fine'

(Thanks to Joe in Japan)

FRANCE ON HIGH ALERT

Huge German cockerel lands in London

(Thanks to Joe in Japan)

YOU KNOW YOU WANT TO

Shuffle with DJ Dave Barry

AS IS HIS CONSTITUTIONAL RIGHT

A caller reported that his neighbor was screaming in his backyard about how Steve Martin can’t play the banjo.

(Thanks to Omaha Bridget)

HARD TO GET DECENT SERVICE THESE DAYS

A black bear wandered into a Colorado bar recently, sniffed around and left without the human patrons even noticing, video shows.

(Thanks to Omniskeptic)

ON 'PUBLIC SAFETY DAY'

Angry Boeing worker punches the Mariner Moose

(Thanks to Craig Roberts)

SEVERAL CAMELS STILL UNDER SUSPICION

Turkey clears bird of spying for Israel

(Thanks to coscolo)

 

YOU PROBABLY SHOULDN'T READ THIS

Found guilty of the worst bowel movement ever

Seriously, you probably shouldn't.

(Thanks to Matt Filar and Unholy Slacker)

YOU ARE NOW FREE TO FART IN HIS GENERAL DIRECTION

Being rude to French president no longer an offense

(Thanks to Ralph)

CRIMINAL MASTERMIND OF THE DAY SO FAR

Man Attempts To Rob Gun Store With Bat

(Thanks to Steve @ Secret Location and Jeffrey Brown)

THESE PHUKET TEENS TODAY

Phuket Police on lookout for ‘slap attack’ teen gang

(Thanks to Unholy Slacker)

BULLETIN BULLETIN BULLETIN

Some Men Want Bigger Butts

(Thanks to Unholy Slacker)

SCIENCE

False memory planted in mouse's brain

(Thanks to Rich Klinzman, who says, "Like mice aren't confused enough.")

MEANWHILE IN AGRILCULTURE

An angry farmer who was bitten by a snake bit it back and killed the reptile in a retaliatory attack

(Thanks to W. von Papineau)

WHEN WILL PEOPLE LEARN NEVER TO MIX THESE?

Practical joke involving fart spray and rabbit repellent at Bible camp sends six teenagers to hospital

(Thanks to Ryan Young and Unholy Slacker)

ART UPDATE

Naked peeing giant statue divides locals

(Thanks to Ralph)

LIKE PORTA-POTTIES FOR THE SOUL

Outdoor confessionals in Brazil.

(Thanks to Bob Brogan)

FRANCE ON HIGH ALERT

India's army reportedly spent six months watching "Chinese spy drones" violating its air space, only to find out they were actually Jupiter and Venus.

(Thanks to Jon Harris)

IT'S ABOUT DAMN TIME

The Man-Pram.

(Thanks to Jan in Grimsby)

TERRORISM UPDATE

Plague-Infected Squirrel Found Near Campgrounds in Angeles National Forest

(Thanks to Jeffrey Brown)

CLASSY!

TV show gives away BABIES to win Ramadan ratings war

(Thanks to DaninTustin)

BEATS US

Why Is Florida So Weird?

(Thanks to John Grant)

WHAT COULD POSSIBLY GO WRONG?

Australia gifts Prince George a baby crocodile

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

DUH, II

Washington D.C. is least honest city in America, study says

(Thanks to Jon Harris)

WHICH U.S. CITY HAS THE WORST DRIVERS?

Duh.

(Thanks to wiredog)

Notice that Hialeah comes in third. Hialeah, basically, is also Miami.

COLLECTORS: HAVE WE GOT A DEAL FOR YOU

A local business (who shall remain unnamed), received an inside tip on the gender of the royal baby from a supposedly reputable source. With complete confidence in their inside man, they ran a print run of 5,000 commemorative plates, celebrating the birth of the first Princess of Cambridge. 

(Thanks to Jan in Grimsby)

APOCALYPSE UPDATE

Monopoly eliminates jail time because kids are too busy

(Thanks to The Perts)

HE'S NOW LEADING THE NYC MAYORAL RACE

Swedish lawmaker caught with his pants down

(Thanks to Joe in Japan and Johan in Sweden)

'WELL THIS IS OBVIOUSLY A F***UP'

JFK reams out a general.

TOTALLY PLAUSIBLE

A man caught with a prostitute in his car told police she was there to show him where to buy tomatoes.

(Thanks to wiredog and Jan in Grimsby)

'I JUST WOULD NOT EXPECT AN ALLIGATOR TO BE SHOPLIFTED'

Shoplifter steals baby alligator after hiding it under his shirt

(Thanks to W. von Papineau and Ryan Jentzsch)

FINALLY, SOME GOOD NEWS

New Species of Hero Shrew Found in Equatorial Africa

(Thanks to Jeff Matthews, who says "Hero Shrew opened for me once.")

SUM TING WONG

Local News Reporter Accidentally Draws A Penis On Traffic Map

(Thanks to Robert Mathis and Unholy Slacker)

SEAPERSON OF THE WEEK SO FAR

Ahoy.

(Thanks to Peter Metrinko, who says a Florida boater's license is on the way.)

SUAVE

Man breaks into home, tries to give woman back rub

(Thanks to Jeff Schneider)

THIS IS REASSURING

NSA Says It Can’t Search Its Own Emails

(Thanks to Ron G.)

'HAPPY RIDE'

Vibrating bicycle seat cover provides exciting new incentive to cycle to work

(Thanks to Ron G. and Jeff Meyerson)

OF *COURSE* THEY LIVE HERE

The REAL 'Carlos Danger': At least two Florida men actually have the name used by Anthony Weiner in his explicit online chats

(Thanks to Art Silverman)

SPIRIT AIRLINES

Standing tall.

(Thanks to Bill Jones, who says "Don't get the on-board meal.")

ADVERTISING UPDATE

Japanese women paid to put adverts on their THIGHS to catch the attention of men

(Thanks to DaninTustin)

BECAUSE WE WOULDN'T WANT TO LOSE *THAT*

Scientists work to protect rare Canadian lizard that shoots blood out of its eyes

(Thanks to The Perts)

HUH?

The tortoise would have a candle stuck to its shell and would be used to light a room and keep the burglar's hands free while he carried out his theft

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

GIBT ES EIN PROBLEM, OFFIZIERE?

German police on Sunday pulled over four men driving a BMW convertible that had been converted into a motorized swimming pool.

Incredibly, alcohol appears to have been involved.

(Thanks to Mitch)

IT IS NOW THE BOSS OF ALL SEAGULLS

Hungry seagull swoops down and steals pensioner's false teeth after she took them out to eat a biscuit

(Thanks to DaninTustin)

SEX TIPS FOR MEN, II

Male Guppies Ensure Successful Mating With Genital Claws

(Thanks to Jay Brandes)

CSI: THE SOUTH

Louisiana duo throws stolen roosters from their car while deputies pursue them in Tuscaloosa Monday

(Thanks to Allen at Division)

THE MOST INTERESTING MAN IN CANADA

Morillo sparked an international rescue operation late Monday when he loaded up on about eight beers then jumped in the river and swam to Detroit, just to prove he could do it.

Stay thrsty, my friend.

(Thanks to Jeff Renner and Jay Brandes)