Dave Barry's Blog

BASED ON THE TRAILER, THIS WILL MAKE 'SHARKNADO' LOOK LIKE 'CITIZEN KANE'

Ghost Shark

(Thanks to Raph)

BRILLIANT

Teens allegedly set fire to police station so they could get arrested, visit friend in jail

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

PLEASE CELEBRATE APPROPRIATELY

Today is National Orgasm Day.

(Thanks to Allen at Division)

Related Item here.

(Thanks to DaninTustin)

MEANWHILE IN THE ARTS

'Honey Boo Boo' Clan Farts And Plays 'Doorknob'

(Thanks to Unholy Slacker)

YOU KNOW YOU WANT IT

The Bubble-Wrap Bike.

(Thanks to Jan in Grimsby)

'I WASN'T PLANNING ON BLEEDING MY OWN BLOOD THAT DAY'

‘Zombies’ complain 5K Zombie Run in Denver too violent

(Thanks to Allen at Division)

MEANWHILE IN THE POSTAPOCALYPTIC HELL THAT IS FLATHEAD COUNTY

4:18 p.m. A Hodgson Road resident was “wary” of the solicitor at his door who wore a shirt proclaiming “I’m sexy and I know it.”

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson, who suggests this could be Anthony Weiner)

YOUR MIAMI MARLINS

Chad Qualls Celebration Fail Is The Most Marlins Thing Ever

(Thanks to ligirl)

ATTENTION, NOBEL PRIZE JUDGES

Blowpaste might be the world's first oral sex lubricant that doubles as toothpaste

(Thanks to Ron G.)

DUDE

Record-setting joint planned for Hempfest

(Thanks to Jay "J" Brandes)

FORM A PERIMETER *NOW*

Kiefer Sutherland breaks his tough guy persona as he performs 'intoxicated' striptease at a bar

(Thanks to Jeffrey Brown)

ALSO: NO HIP-HOP

Swedish authorities have ordered a nightclub to lower the volume of its music due to concerns about the safety of pet fish kept in the club.

(Thanks to Ralph and Ron G.)

IT WAS ASKING FOR IT

Sleepwalking man shoots himself in knee

(Thanks to Poker)

THEY WILL ALL RECEIVE FLORIDA DRIVERS' LICENSES

Social amoebae travel with a posse, have amazingly complicated social lives

(Thanks to El Opinador Compulsivo)

'IT SHOWS THE HUMAN NATURE OF THE INDIVIDUAL IS SUPREME'

Beer can house in Houston becomes landmarked

(Thanks to manual tomato)

AND A STRIKING COUPLE THEY ARE

Face-tattooed man, West Palm woman arrested on drug charges

(Thanks to R &L Stevenson)

PLANNING TO RENT A CAR IN ENGLAND?

Here's a full-service company.

(NSFW.)

(Thanks to Omniskeptic)

RUSSIAN WOMEN

Не связывайтесь с ними.

(Thanks to dave [a different one])

NAME THAT STATE!

Sergeant posted nude pics while on duty

(Thanks to Omniskeptic)

BRILLIANT

Basically, this is a device that lets you discreetly check in public whether or not your pants fly is up. By pressing a button located in the watch pocket of your pants, a small pager motor alerts you to whether or not the zipper is up.

(Thanks to nursecindy)

MAYBE, BUT IT HAD BETTER STAY AWAY FROM MY PROSTATE

Would you let the veebot robot take your blood?

(Thanks to coscolo)

SOME GUYS, A HELICOPTER, A PIANO...

This takes a while. But it's pretty great.

(Thanks to Rosemary Camilleri)

YOU'LL WONDER WHERE THE YELLOW WENT

New teeth grown from urine

(Thanks to Unholy Slacker, Joe in Japan, Jan in Grimsby and Howard from Broward)

GUYS IN ACTION

"His cat got stuck in the tree, he went up to try and get the cat down, and he got stuck in the tree with the cat," a fire department spokesman said.

(Thanks to Tina Hamaker)

GO FIGURE

A man who trained as a breast feeding therapist says he may have picked the wrong career - because suspicious husbands refuse to let him massage their wives' chests.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

WE'RE GUESSING IT INVOLVED COLLEGE STUDENTS

How Did A Cloud Of Booze 288 Billion Miles Wide Get In Outer Space?

(Thanks to Another Ralph)

CSI: CANADA

Butt slapper has police concerned

Molendyk says the suspect made a strange comment stating, "I am only 11. They can't do anything."

(Thanks to Unholy Slacker)

ANYONE FOR A TEST-TUBE HAMBURGER?

The raw meat is said to be grey with a slippery texture similar to squid or scallop.

(Thanks to Jeffrey Brown and DaninTustin)

TIME FOR STRICT FEDERAL CONTROLS

In separate incidents, two men allegedly assaulted their girlfriends with pizza, police report.

(Thanks to Chris Elzi and Rob Simbeck)

GEORGIA: STATE OF MYSTERY

Waynesboro family finds large KFC bucket in front yard

(Thanks to Jay Brandes)

THEY WILL STOP AT NOTHING

Mystery soap thief unmasked as gang of squirrels

(Thanks to Ralph)

ATTENTION, NOBEL PRIZE JUDGES

Denver man invents one-handed beer opener

(Thanks to Ron G.)

ALL THIS AUSTERITY IS KILLING THEM

Dead farmers might be reaping millions in subsidies

(Thanks to Peter Metrinko)

FOR BEST RESULTS, EVERYONE SHOULD BE NAKED

China clamps down on cheating in university entrance exams by banning brassieres

(Thanks to The Perts)

IF YOU'RE LOOKING FOR A PORN-STAR NAME:

This one is taken.

(Thanks to Unholy Slacker)

WE HAVE A NEW FRONT-RUNNER IN THE NYC MAYORAL RACE

A giant fungus the size of a tyre has been found by villagers in China's Jianshui County.

(Thanks to Howard from Broward)

WE SAW THEM OPEN FOR THE RAMONES

(Thanks to Bill Edwards)

DEPARTMENT OF THINGS FOR WHICH WE'RE SURE THERE IS A PERFECTLY INNOCENT EXPLANATION

The Brigade said that in the past its crews have been called to a man whose penis was stuck in a toaster, and another with his manhood trapped in a vacuum cleaner.

(Thanks to Unholy Slacker)

I CANNOT EXPLAIN WHY...

...but I love this.

(Via Deadspin)

INCREDIBLY, ETC.

Woman pukes at IKEA, stays for a nap

(Thanks to Jeffrey Brown)

SHARK WEEK

It's a bad week to be a seal.

GRADUATE STUDENT OF THE WEEK

Unfortunately our strict policy prohibits us from presenting the Graduate Student of the Week.

Speaking of items that our strict policy prohibits us from presenting: Here is another one.

(Thanks to Unholy Slacker)

NOT GEEKY AT ALL!

Around the world, a select band of Doctor Who fans are at work in their spare time building their own personal Tardis.

(Thanks to PirateBoy)

THOSE TERRORIST BASTARDS

Now: Otters.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

THE FUNNEST PLACE ON THE PLANET

Two women arrested after fight breaks out inside Chuck E. Cheese

(Thanks to Chuck "E." Cody)

WOMEN

Do not mess with them.

(Thanks to Unholy Slacker)

AND THE SO-CALLED 'DEPARTMENT OF JUSTICE' DOES NOTHING

Tara Reid cut from 'Sharknado 2'

(Thanks to Jweff Meyerson)

GUYS IN ACTION

Pittsburgh man modifies his toaster to tweet 'toasting' and 'done'

(Thanks to Ralph)

Man builds fully-functional Boeing 737 flight simulator in his son’s bedroom

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

THE DOG IS NOW LEADING THE NYC MAYORAL RACE

Dog's Genitals Star in Grey's Weird Floor-Cleaner Ad

(Thanks to Unholy Slacker)

HEADACHE SUFFERERS:

Do not click here.

(Thanks to DaninTustin)