Dave Barry's Blog

INCREDIBLY, THIS DID NOT HAPPEN IN CANADA

Fargo woman finds man naked, covered in feces in her kitchen

(Thanks to Unholy Slacker)

THE NEWS FROM CANADA

Suspected feces from airplane falls on Ontario driveway

This has been The News from Canada.

(Thanks to Unholy Slacker)

WE HAVE GOOD NEWS AND BAD NEWS

Rare bird last seen in Britain 22 years ago reappears - only to be killed by wind turbine in front of a horrified crowd of birdwatchers

(Thanks to John Gregg)

THERE'S A CAR?

SHE's not the kind of model you usually see draped across the bonnet of a luxury car.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

YOU KNOW THE SQUIRRELS WERE BEHIND THIS

Eager beaver blamed for New Mexico Internet outage

(Thanks to Rick Day)

BRILLIANT

Prankster gets stuck in traffic cone

(Thanks to Dave N.)

MEANWHILE IN SPORTS (WE THINK)

Salman Butt admits to spot-fixing for first time

(Thanks to Craig Roberts)

FIRSTHAND REPORT FROM THE SQUIRREL-TERRORISM FRONT

From Allen at Division:

not from a news source, from texts to me from Mrs. Division: 

1)      “Was out gardening in back yard and heard a loud bang. Turned around but didn’t see anything. A few minutes later a power company guy comes through our gate and says ‘our’ transformer (pole just beyond our back yard) had blown, so our power was out and you’ll have to reset some clocks.”

2)      “Power company guy says it was a squirrel suicide bomber! Zap!”

3)      (a day later) “Power company guy was out again this morning to install a special squirrel cage around transformer. No more fried squirrel!”

Somewhere, Jed Clampett is weeping, but considering the amount of damage the bushy rats have done to my house, I would have preferred no cage and more dead squirrels…

 

SHE DEFINITELY DOES NOW

Boyfriend kicked Harry the hamster out of girlfriend's house because he thought she loved the rodent more than him

(Thanks to Jan in Grimsby)

IF THIS HAPPENED IN MIAMI, SHE'D BE ROADKILL

Devon woman who missed Stagecoach bus goes flat out in road to stop it driving off

(Thanks to Ron G.)

WHERE THE *HELL* IS THE UNITED NATIONS?

Two drag queens became embroiled in a violent struggle after judges announced the wrong winner at a beauty pageant in Peru.

(Thanks to Ron G.)

CRIME-FIGHTING APPLIANCE OF THE WEEK SO FAR

Authorities say an exploding refrigerator led them to a marijuana-growing operation in San Diego.

(Thanks to Andrew Hoenig)

TERRORISM UPDATE

Fife on alert after spate of seagull attacks

(Thanks to Ralph)

We saw Spate of Seagull Attacks open for the Cowsills.

SO IT'S MORE SEMI-ETERNAL

Ireland's eternal flame for JFK goes out after four days

(Thanks to Omniskeptic)

TRAGICALLY, SHE WAS NOT A KARDASHIAN

Woman superglues mouth shut after lip gloss mistake

(Thanks to Ron G.)

WHY WE NEVER GO ANYWHERE WITHOUT A BRASS ELEPHANT

A suspected burglar allegedly caught urinating in a Ballard home is in custody Thursday after the resident clubbed him with a pot and held him prisoner with a brass elephant statuette.

(Thanks to Craig Roberts and B'game)

WE HARDLY KNEW THEM

Fifty thousand bumblebees will be honored in a memorial this weekend at the Wilsonville Target where a majority of the insects died.

(Thanks to DaninTustin)

This tragic incident reminds this blog of a joke, generally known as "The Beekeeper Joke." But this blog is nowhere near drunk enough to tell it.

SHOW BUSINESS

I spoke Wednesday to a nice crowd at the American Physical Therapy Association's national conference in Salt Lake City. Before my talk, the APTA asked me if I would be willing to walk onstage leading some goats, and I of course said yes. Here I am backstage with the goats, whose names are Luke and Lorelei. They did fine onstage, although one of them (Lorelei, I think) pooped beforehand. 

 

If you are wondering why I walked onstage with two goats, the answer is: I have no idea. You will have to ask the American Physical Therapy Association.

PRETTY COOL

The scale of the universe.

FUN GUY

425-Pound, Arm-Sniffing Man Gets 32 Months For Annoying Boy, 10

(Thanks to Loudmouth)

REAL ESTATE AGENTS GONE WILD

Police in Lower Merion say a security camera captured footage of two upscale Main Line real estate agents tossing dead mice and snakes onto the yard of their next-door neighbor's $1 million home on Booth Lane – all part of an alleged plot to sabotage its sale, because their house is also on the market.

(Thanks to Andrew Hoenig)

MEANWHILE IN FINANCE

Vietnam dong falls

(Thanks to Omniskeptic)

TURNS OUT IT WAS NOT BURRITOS

Albany, N.Y., solves mystery of exploding manhole covers

(Thanks to Bill Hudgins)

SCOTLAND: SOON TO BE A MAJOR WORLD POWER

Flamethrowing bagpipes.

(Thanks to Andrew Halpryn)

BRILLIANT

Robber caught after leaving his BIRTH CERTIFICATE and a note from his mother at the crime scene

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

A FLORIDA ETC.

Massachusetts bus driver crashes into house during first day of work

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

WE THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME

Finally: A Way to Collect Semen from Parrots

(Thanks to Jeffrey Brown)

HAPPY FEET

Foot Orgasm Syndrome

(Thanks to Jay Brandes)

REMINDER:

Never drive with paint.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson and Jan in Grimsby)

WE'RE GONNA NEED A BIGGER BUN

The World’s Largest Dish – Whole Camel Stuffed with Sheep Stuffed with Chicken Stuffed with Fish

(Thanks to Ralph)

PLANNING A PICNIC IN FLORIDA?

Take extra food.

(Thanks to Joe in Japan)

THE WALKING DEAD

Manilow Fans Fill Downtown

(Thanks to Chuck Cody)

NOBODY SHAKES HANDS ANY MORE

The woman in the passenger seat reportedly grabbed the victim's crotch by way of a greeting, which apparently led the three to chatting for a bit and agreeing to meet for coffee the next day.

(Thanks to Craig Roberts)

WE DIDN'T KNOW THEY MADE SHOES FOR MOTORCYCLES

A naked man was arrested driving a motorcycle wearing only a strategically placed shoe.

(Thanks to Jon Harris)

ATTENTION, LEHIGH VALLEY IRON PIGS FANS:

The Phillies Triple-A affiliate is offering up a free funeral this summer to one “lucky” fan who submits an essay about what their “dream funeral” would include.

(Thanks to Andrew Hoenig)

THEY WON'T GET FAR WITHOUT LUBRICANT

2 Men Rob Erie Man Of Condom At Knifepoint

(Thanks to Bill Hudgins, who says "They're facing a long stretch in the pokey.")

NO

Meet 'the sperm whisperer'

(Thanks to Joe in Japan)

IT MUST BE CORRECT, BECAUSE IT WAS GENERATED BY A COMPUTER

Woman Cancels Cell Phone, Gets Bill for $15 Quadrillion

Advisory: If you click on the link, a video will play.

(Thanks to Jon Harris)

JUNK MAIL

A postman’s deliver-wees to one couple left them horrified – after he repeatedly urinated on their doorstep.

(Thanks to DaninTustin and Ron G.)

SOON TO BE A HORROR MOVIE

The next two hours were the stuff of nightmares, stuck in the restroom with a howling Chihuahua...

(Thanks to Craig Roberts)

NAME THAT STATE!

...sheriff's deputies say he took four shots at his cousin Tuesday in revenge for not being invited to a birthday party for children.

(Thanks to R&L steveson)

THAT'S NOT WHERE WE'D HAVE RELEASED IT

Bear captured in NW D.C. released to wilds of Md.

Now the Blair Witch will get it.

(Thanks to coscolo)

PUT YOUR HANDS TOGETHER

Nuclear Pasta

(Thanks to Schadeboy)

THEY PROBABLY WISH THEY HADN'T

25 bike cops catch pair having sex in park

(Thanks to Andrew Hoenig)

LONDON BUS MAGICIAN UPDATE

Here.

(Thanks to Andrew Hoenig)

LET'S BE CAREFUL OUT THERE

A Chinese woman's breast implant exploded after playing a game (Dragon Summon) on her iPhone while lying on her stomach for four hours.

(Thanks to Allen at Division and coscolo)

JAPAN: LAND OF MYSTERY

As Google’s Street View camera strapped to a guy’s back passed through the quaint tree-lined path alongside the Tamagawa Aqueduct, it was momentarily surrounded by a group of people standing around wearing pigeon heads.

(Thanks to Ron G.)

TERRORISM ALERT

Squirrel causes massive Wichita power outage

(Thanks to Tash)

Vaguely Related: Squirrel takes on snake in backyard rumble

(Thanks to JenLoKe7, Rick Day and Dave M)

'AND NOW, THE END IS NEAR...'

Pa. man quotes Bogart, Sinatra while DUI

(Thanks to Joe M)

HIGHER EDUCATON

Radford diplomas misspell Virginia

The university awarded diplomas at its December and May commencements that spelled Virginia without the final “i.” Also misspelled was thereto, as in “all honors, rights and privileges thereto appertaining.

(Thanks to Jon Harris)