Dave Barry's Blog

WITHOUT STUDIES, WE WOULD KNOW NOTHING

Money actually can buy happiness, study finds

(Thanks to The Perts)

BRILLIANT

Dave:

I don’t know if this meets your standard, but this leapt out at me and I decided you are the best person to go to.

I wonder what advertising executive at McDonalds came up with the idea to market a meal called the “McCrap” (phonetic)?

John M. Cates

Just to Clarify: This blog has no standards.

ROLLIN' ROLLIN' ROLLIN'

MOTORWAY drivers were left astonished after spotting two dairy cows crammed onto the back seat of a small family car!

(DaninTustin)

LSD: STILL PROVIDING VITAL INSIGHTS

A University of Florida student was arrested for a Saturday incident in which he was wandering around naked, making random statements about God and, first, telling people not to cut off his penis and then to cut it off, Gainesville police reported.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson and DaninTustin)

UPON CAPTURE, IT WILL BE GIVEN A STERN LECTURE BY MAYOR BLOOMBERG

Invasive predator fish that can live out of water for days to be hunted in Central Park

(Thanks to Jay Brandes, funny man and Joel Farr)

STAY CLASSY, FORMER MEMBERS OF CONGRESS

Six former members of Congress, who were paid $20,000 each, heard testimony on the U.S. government trying to cover up contact made with extraterrestrial life.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson, who asks, "So why is this different from any other day in Congress?")

HE BROUGHT HIS OWN SALAD

Goldilocks intruder broke into home to masturbate, play with toy helicopter

Key Wording: Vickery wasn't cooperative so the deputy escorted him to the ground, the report stated.

Guess the state.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

INCREDIBLY, THIS DID NOT HAPPEN IN FLORIDA

'World's worst' parallel parker goes viral

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

THERE IS NO WAY OUT OF THIS NIGHTMARE

'Tan mom' Patricia Krentcil records debut single

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson, who says, "I thought her 15 minutes were up.")

FESTIVE!

Straw Bale Urinal Turns Festival Goers' Pee into Compost

(Thanks to Ron G.)

STAND TALL, MICHIGAN

12-year-old Michigan girl invents 'hamster bowling'

(Thanks to Matt Filar)

NEW YORK: A CITY WITH PLENTY OF SPARE MONEY

...the city is looking to hire someone to encourage breastfeeding in parts of Brooklyn. Annual salary: $73,000.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson and Matt Filar)

WHICH PROMPTLY ATE HER

Woman cures her fear of spiders - by buying tarantula

(Thanks to Danintustin, who says "Good thing she wasn't afraid of elephants.")

OAKLAND: CITY OF THE ARTS

Internet Cat Video Festival to debut in Uptown district

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ

Bad sleepers have smaller testicles, lower sperm count

(Thanks to Unholy Slacker)

IT'S A EITHER A MIAMI DRIVER OR SQUIRRELS

SHERWOOD, Ore. – Firefighters and a towing company removed an empty truck from a tree Sunday morning, but they’re still confused about how it got there.

(Thanks to Woozy Barnes, B'game and Ralph)

TOTALLY JUSTIFIED

The roommates, 65-year-old men, were arguing about the underwear when Oscar Johnson Jr. allegedly entered Jeffrey Vipond's bedroom and stabbed him in the thigh with a steak knife, according to Pocono Mountain Regional Police Department.

(Thanks to Unholy Slacker)

WHICH IS EXACTLY WHY WE DO NOT ASK THEM FOR RESTAURANT RECOMMENDATIONS

Pikas Prefer to Eat Plants Peppered With Caterpillar Poop

(Thanks to Unholy Slacker)

SOUNDS ABOUT RIGHT

Worst reality show ever? Vanilla Ice goes Amish

(Thanks to Joe in Japan)

CSI: ASTORIA, ORE.

The Astoria Police Department's concrete pig is back in the pink and ready for another 20 years of duty.

(Thanks to jon harris, who says "I feel safer already.")

WHOEVER COULD HAVE FORESEEN IT?

Inflatable Poop Installation By Artist Paul McCarthy Makes A Mess In Hong Kong

(Thanks to Ralph)

CASE DISMISSED

Vero Beach man with drugs in trousers says pants not his

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

THE AIR QUALITY IS DEFINITELY BETTER

600 Chinese apply to live permanently on Mars

(Thanks to W. von Papineau and The Perts)

BECAUSE WHEN YOU THINK INTERGALACTIC ADVENTURE, YOU THINK TOLEDO

Toledo Mud Hens will wear Chewbacca uniforms for ‘Star Wars’ weekend

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson, who says "Maybe if the Marlins tried this a few fans might show up.") (This blog's opinion: No.)

THE BEST PART IS, YOU CAN WEAR IT ANYWHERE

Superhero fan builds his own foam Iron Man costume

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson, who is shocked that this person is single.)

STAY CLASSY, TRYST BAR AND NIGHTCLUB

Bar offers Phuket trip for boobs

ADVISORY: Boobs.

(Thanks to Phil McAvity)

SOUNDS LEGIT

A 38-year-old alleged Pretoria con artist will appear in the Pretoria Magistrate’s court today after the Tshwane metro police searched his surgery and found a goat head oozing blood in a bowl, eight wooden penises, and boxes of illegal penis-enlargement pamphlets.

(Thanks to Phil McAvity)

WE'LL TAKE THE GIANT RATS

Baboons invade home, guys videotape chaos

(Thanks to Phil McAvity)

'IT'S LIKE THEY HAVE COME UP WITH A CHAINSAW'

Giant rats terrorise Rotorua

(Thanks to Bill Moore)

IT'S A HIGH CRIME AREA

Fight on Everest sparks police probe

(Thanks to coscolo and jon harris)

FLATHEAD COUNTY: WHERE MEN ARE MEN, AND WOMEN ARE MANLIER

7:43 p.m. Reportedly, a very large blonde woman picked up a man and dropped him on his head in an Evergreen parking lot.

(Thanks to Scott Harner)

IT WAS RELEASED AFTER PRODUCING A VALID ETC.

Angie Guerrero was driving on the 14 Freeway in Santa Clarita when she spotted a huge snake in the car.

A GIANT LEAP FOR (BURP) MANKIND

Attendees at a summer music festival will have their beers dropped from unmanned planes.

(Thanks to Ralph)

CSI: WISCONSIN RAPIDS

Police called after woman sees kittens having sex in her yard

(Thanks to jon harris)

GUESS THE STATE

Gas Station Fire Caused By Woman Claiming To Be God

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

GUESS THE STATE

A man who tried to shoot a squirrel for dinner by taping a .40-caliber cartridge to a BB gun was hospitalized with shrapnel wounds after the cartridge exploded

(Thanks to Ron G., Robert Mathis, R & L Stevenson and Jeff Meyerson)

IT WAS RELEASED AFTER PRODUCING A VALID FLORIDA LICENSE

Three cops, a patrol car and RIOT van race to quiet street to arrest… a SWAN

(Thanks to Ron G.)

ATTENTION, NOBEL PRIZE JUDGES

Genetically modified sheep glow in the dark

(Thanks to Becca Gladden)

CSI: KENTUCKY

'Mystery' horse impregnates five mares on Bourbon farm

(Thanks to Unholy Slacker)

SHE JUST NEEDS A CHANCE

Woman arrested 396 times tells parole board she can change

(Thanks to Chuck Cody)

1. LOOK AWAY.

Top 10 Things You Can Do With Placenta

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

INTERNATIONAL BEVERAGE NEWS

The UK Advertising Standards Agency takes a stand.

(Thanks to Ron G.)

YOU GO, GIRL

US sailor thwarts Dubai bus driver rapist after putting him in strangehold with her thighs and then beating him into submission

(Thanks to Greg Snow)

FORE

Alligator invades the course during tournament

(Thanks to DaninTustin, who says "Let him play through.")

BE ADVISED

It's Hug an Australian Day.

(Thanks to jon harris)

NO

Meet Winkelhimer: The disabled squirrel with a passion for painting

(Thanks to Ron G.)

WITHOUT THE MIRACLE THAT IS THE INTERNET, WE WOULD NEVER HAVE KNOWN ABOUT THIS

Cat in a Shark Suit Riding a Roomba and Chasing a Duck

(Thanks to Joe in Japan)

PERHAPS. BUT.

Picking your nose and eating it may be good for you

(Thanks to The Perts)

CHAMPAGNE WAS INVOLVED

A diamond worth $5,000 was accidentally swallowed by an 80-year-old woman in Tampa, Fla., while she attended the Tampa Woman’s Club’s  65th annual Fashionllia event.

Key Fact: ...coincidentally, she had a routine colonoscopy scheduled for the next day.

(Thanks to The Perts and jon harris)

ATTENTION, NOBEL PRIZE JUDGES

Modified seventh-generation Volkswagen Golf is white in daylight and green at night.

(Thanks to Janice Gelb)