Dave Barry's Blog

AND THE SO-CALLED 'DEPARTMENT OF HOMELAND SECURITY' DOES NOTHING

Man Finds Baby Squirrel in Bag of Mulch

And he raises it.

(Thanks to Janice Gelb, R & L Stevenson and Rick Day)

INCREDIBLY, ETC.

Man Beaten for Drawing Genitalia on Roommate’s Face

(Thanks to Matt Filar)

APOCALYPSE UPDATE

A two-headed shark fetus.

(Thanks to Phil McAvity)

Another version here.

(Thanks to Monique Chartier)

MEANWHILE IN SPORTS

Minor League Baseball Team to Debut Urinal Video Games

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson, Steven Pudio, Michael McNelis and Bill Hudgins, who says, "Just imagine the fantasy league)

Here's another version that begins "Talk about streaming media...."

(Thanks to Jay Brandes)

We considered making a joke about the National Pisstime, but we have too much class.

PARTY!

Prostitute who 'died' having sex in hotel climbs from coffin screaming at police

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

WE SAW THEM OPEN FOR PHISH

Cubic Wombat Poop

(Thanks to The Amazing Steve)

DON'T MISS THE VIDEO

'Tall white foreigner from Wales singing songs about communism' is hit in China

(Thanks to Joe in Japan)

WE HAVE NO IDEA HOW THIS HAPPENED

But we are very glad it did.

(Thanks to The Amazing Steve)

HOCKEY

Even the ceremonial faceoffs are dangerous.

(Thanks to The Perts)

GO FIGURE

A study by the Paris School of Economics shows that despite having all the things needed for a good life, the French are among the unhappiest people on the planet.

(Thanks to The Perts)

CLASSY

Man allegedly flashes patrons, evacuates bar, still pays tab

(Thanks to Craig Roberts and Matt Filar)

ONCE AGAIN WE ARE REMINDED:

Don't drink and buy snakes.

(Thanks to W. von Papineau)

WHEW

Coffee May Protect Alcoholics' Livers

(Thanks to Unholy Slacker)

WHERE HE WAS, OF COURSE, WAS FLATHEAD COUNTY

8:57 a.m. A man called 911 stating that he knew he was in Hungry Horse, but otherwise had no idea where he was.

(Thanks to Joseph McConnell)

EVEN FOR SQUIRRELS, THIS IS LOW

House fire started by a squirrel disrupts funeral procession through Romford

(Thanks to funny man and Jeff Meyerson)

THOSE TERRORIST BASTARDS

Live bomb found in squid

(Thanks to Ralph)

BRITISH POLITICAL UPDATE

Unfortunately our strict policy prohibits us from bringing you the British Political Update.

IRELAND STRIKES A BLOW FOR BEING IRISH

Law allows people to “to drive home from their nearest pub after having two or three drinks on little-used roads driving at very low speeds.”

(Thanks to Bill Hudgins and Jeff Schneider)

OTHER THAN THAT, IT WAS A LOVELY AFFAIR

Authorities arrested an Onalaska bride after her wedding reception on Sunday for stealing rings from the venue, according to police reports.

Key Detail: An employee found the bride’s bra insert near where the case had been.

(Thanks to JenLoKe7)

BUT ISN'T THAT NORM... OH, WAIT, NEVER MIND

Woman busted for having crack in her genitals

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

IT'S A FEATURE CAR BUYERS ARE LOOKING FOR

The Indian unit of Ford Motor Company has apologised for an advertisement showing former Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi with a group of bound women in the boot of a car.

(Thanks to Bill Hudgins)

IT'S ABOUT DAMN TIME

Essex school bans triangular flapjacks

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

TRAGICALLY, THIS IS NOT WHAT YOU THINK

Opa-locka mayor orders underwear removal

(Thanks to Ralph)

IS IT JUST THIS BLOG...

...or does this AutoTrader commercial look like cars coming at you down a giant colon?

 

MIAMI-STYLE PARKING

It's an epidemic!

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson and Sharon [The Minx] Lurie)

HE WAS TAKING CARE OF THEM IN HIS OWN WAY

Pa. mansion's caretaker charged with drinking 52 bottles of antique whiskey valued at $102,400

(Thanks to Joe in Japan)

AS LONG AS WE HAVE THE INTERNET, WE WILL NEVER RUN OUT OF BAND NAMES

Can anyone help me identify these Asian tubers?

IN MIAMI...

...we call this dropping in.

(Thanks to Alkali Bill)

THE ANAGRAM CURE

Get that tune out of your head - scientists find how to get rid of earworms

ADVISORY: Scary Lady Gaga photo.

(Thanks to Mark Schlesinger and Rob Simbeck)

THEY WON'T GET FAR WITHOUT EVOLVING

Thieves steal dinosaur from Canberra museum

(Thanks to The Perts)

DATING DOs AND DON'Ts FOR GUYS

Don't try to impress her by having your friend fake a knife attack.

(Thanks to Greg Snow)

WE'RE GONNA NEED NEW WETSUITS

A great white shark attempts to snack on tourists in a dive cage.

(Thanks to DaninTustin)

THE GOOD NEWS: IT COST ONLY $60,000

IRS training video that parodies ‘Star Trek’ apparently lacks training value

(Thanks to coscolo)

FLORIDA MOM OF THE WEEK SO FAR

Fearless mom wrestles 7-foot alligator away from school yard just as students are dismissed for the day

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

WHEN PEOPLE TRY TO TELL THIS BLOG THAT THERE WILL NEVER BE ANOTHER MUSICAL PRODIGY COMPARABLE TO MOZART

This blog begs to differ.

(Thanks to Jeff Jacques)

NO

Would you eat a breastmilk cupcake?

(Thanks to Joe in Japan)

A MAN CAN TAKE ONLY SO MIUCH

The Internet—the global system of interconnected networks that’s become an increasingly central means of commerce and communication capable of bringing far-flung civilizations together—reached its apex this week, after a man claiming to be the fiancé of My Little Pony: Friendship Is Magic character Twilight Sparkle contacted a user of online community DeviantArt to demand he stop drawing sexual pictures of his imaginary pony-bride.

(Thanks to Janice Gelb)

Somehow this story reminds us of this.

INCREDIBLY, THIS DID NOT HAPPEN IN FLORIDA

Man chokes on food while driving and sets off bizarre chain reaction of events including a fender bender, three injuries and a fireball exploding over a Walmart store

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

FROM THE DEPARTMENT OF PEOPLE WITH A *LOT* OF SPARE TIME:

EAGLE-eyed internet users have spotted a field on Google Maps that's shaped just like a BUM.

(Thanks to DaninTustin)

AND WHAT ARE THEY WEARING UNDER THEIR PANTS?

Why Do People Wear Underwear on the Heads?

(Thanks to The Perts)

AND THEY SAY MEN ARE SHALLOW

A Taiwanese couple, a 55-year old man and 52-year old woman, have divorced after four years living in separate apartments following the woman’s wedding night discovery that her new husband’s member appeared to have a severe case of dwarfism.

(Thanks to Allen at Division, who says, "Wait -- it DOES matter?")

WE'RE GONNA NEED A LOT MORE ETC.

Millions of Prawns Wash up on Beach in Chile

(Thanks to Allen at Division)

MEANWHILE IN THE HELLHOLE KNOWN AS FLATHEAD COUNTY

3:52 p.m. Someone called in asking what to do for a “beat up chicken” they found at the dump. Apparently, it looked as though the chicken “had been through a lot.”

(Thanks to The Perts)

SOON TO BE A MAJOR MOTION PICTURE, WE HOPE

Heroic Beavers Save Salt Lake City

(Thanks to wiredog)

THIS HAPPENS FAR TOO OFTEN

Woman hid tadpoles in her mouth at airport

(Thanks to Ralph)

'WHAT HAPPENED, DEAR?'

"I got stuck in traffic."

(Thanks to Bill Moore and Matt Filar)

CANADA: LAND OF SAUCY SCRIMSHAWS

‘Whale bone porn’

(Thanks to Martini Shark)

POLICE HAVE NOTHING TO GO ON

Porta-potty serial arsonist sought

(Thanks to Jeffrey Brown)

APOCALYPSE UPDATE

"Velociraptor" turkeys attack church-goers in Maryland

(Thanks to Alkali Bill)

WE'LL NEVER FORGET WHERE WE WERE WHEN WE HEARD THE NEWS

Kim Kardashian & Kanye Are Naming Their Baby North West

(Thanks to Craig Roberts)