Dave Barry's Blog

TRAVEL TIP OF THE WEEK SO FAR

Bitters. I carry 3 ounces, which is excellent if you have flatulence on a plane.

(Thanks to [The Amazing] Steve Pietrowicz)

DESTINATION OF THE WEEK

Unfortunately our strict policy prohibits us from presenting the Destination of the Week.

(Thanks to Unholy Slacker)

WAYNESVILLE:

City of Excitement

(Thanks to The Perts)

IMAGINE THE SHRINKAGE

Rhode Islanders repeatedly call cops over 12-foot snow penis

(Thanks to Ralph)

ATTENTION ALL UNITS

Man steals doughnut truck, leads cops on chase

(Thanks to Jay Brandes)

AND AT HALFTIME: BEYONCE

Norwegian public television plans to broadcast a burning fireplace for 12 straight hours from Friday evening, with firewood specialists providing color commentary, expert advice and a bit of cultural tutoring.

(Thanks to Joe in Japan)

ROMANCE

California man is in love with his blow-up dolls, would marry his dragon called Lila

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

WE SHALL COUNT THE MINUTES

Transparent cell phone 'will happen near the end of 2013' promises tech company

(Thanks to Craig Roberts)

THIS COULD BE RELATED TO THE PLAGUE OF BUNNIES

Giant egg mysteriously appears on Wash. farm

(Thanks to Craig Roberts)

YOU ARE NOW FREE TO BREAK WIND

...is it OK to fart mid-flight?

The experts' recommendation to airline passengers is an emphatic yes.

(Thanks to Ralph)

FASHION ADVISORY

Wearing Women's Panties On Your Face Is All The Rage In Japan

(Thanks to Matt Filar)

CSI: TALLADEGA COUNTY

Firefighter shoots at cow; hits partner instead

(Thanks to Ralph)

APOCALYPSE UPDATE

Plague of bunnies is damaging cars at the Denver International Airport

(Thanks to Monique and Barbara A)

WHAT ARE THEY USING FOR BAIT?

For those keeping track, this is the third naked man who police have had to pull from Green Lake since Sept. 4.

(Thanks to Craig Roberts)

WE FEEL *MUCH* SAFER

Police in Tennessee, in a black SUV and in full body armor, pulled over an elderly couple because they had a “suspicious” marijuana-ish (or so the cops claimed) bumper sticker on their car, that in fact was a buckeye leaf – the couple are Ohio State Buckeye fans.  The cops then ordered the couple to remove the bumper sticker.

(Thanks to Bill Hudgins)

IT'S AT LEAST AS ENTERTAINING AS 'THE PRICE IS RIGHT'

Former game show host Bob Barker is telling North Carolina lawmakers that caging a live possum for a New Year's Eve event in the mountains isn't good show business.

(Thanks to Merk Newsom)

FRANCE ON HIGH ALERT

Escaped llamas run amok in Somerset street

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson, who saw them open for Herman's Hermits)

THERE IS NOTHING LOWER

Man suspected of stealing lemur and holding it for ransom is arrested

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

We wonder where he got the idea.

NOBEL PRIZE JUDGES:

Disregard that earlier nomination.

(Thanks to Ken Morgan)

GOOD GIRL

Meet Zelda – Border Collie who can balance hot dinners on her head

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

ATTENTION, NOBEL PRIZE JUDGES

The First Anatomically Designed Jeans With A Man's Junk In Mind.

(Thanks to jon harris)

VALENTINE'S DAY IN FLATHEAD COUNTY

9:44 p.m. An intoxicated man on Highway 35 in Kalispell complained that his girlfriend went next door. He was reminded that she is old enough to go where she wants and advised to call back if an actual crime occurs.

(Thanks to Joseph McConnell)

'SEEMINGLY?'

The hotel guest, seemingly the worse for drink, clambers fully clothed into the 12,000 litre aquarium in a hotel lobby.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

LOOKING FOR AN INEXPENSIVE VENUE?

Bar infested by hundreds of thousands of cockroaches, roach eggs, feces and carcasses – even INSIDE the liquor bottles

(Thanks to Unholy Slacker)

FLORIDA MAN

Real life headlines about the world's worst superhero.

(Thanks to Renaldo, Vernon Bowen and Warren Anderson)

For instance...

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

A BLAST FROM THE PAST

We are moving our offices (not for a while, but we like to work ahead) and there are lots of great letters on the wall. Here's one that might be fun to share, even though it was sent in 2005. It is not signed. (Spelling errors are the letter writer's.)

Dear Mr. Barry,

Recently you were a guest on Steve Martin's show where he received the Mark Twain Award. You and Mr. Larry David were insulting people and animals. First of all I thought it was uncalled For to state that Mr. Martin's dog passed gas. That was crude and ignorant. Don't you pass gas? I bet you do. Of course let's not forget how you bragged about the Filthy Pornography on the internet, only you didn't say Filthy. You said, you should check it out. Strange how people like Filthy Porno better than the lovely animals. Filthy People that use their mouths For sex are the dirty slobs, not dogs that expel gas. And last but not least, who are you to make Jokes about Mark Twain, and how he would say he was 170 years old? the day is coming where people will live to 170 years old and older. Who the hell are you to play God? Your a lousy comedienne. Wake up.

This has been your blast from the past.

THE ULTIMATE GUY VEHICLE

The Sperm Bike

(Thanks to Allen from Division)

DO YOU HAVE ANY CLUES?

Today's NY Times Crossword, 40 down: Humorist Barry (4 letters)

(Thanks to Mary Hofman)

NOT TO MENTION MRS. SEA SLUG

A sea slug that is able to detach, re-grow and then re-use its penis has surprised scientists

(Thanks to a disturbing plenty)

UPDATE FROM THE INSANE CITY TOUR

I'm on my way to Boston and then Portsmouth, N.H., where tonight I have an event at the Music Hall. Yesterday I was in Chicago, where I started at 6 a.m. with an appearance on the Mancow show, which also featured an 11-piece orchestra, a woman wearing a dress made of a total of four dress molecules, and a man wearing (Why not?) a purple gorilla costume. I performed "Gloria" with the 11-piece orchestra, because that is the traditional way to promote a novel on the radio. Here's a photograph taken by Mancow's sidekick, Mike North, showing me with Mancow and the gorilla. The giant finger at the top of the photograph belongs to Mike North.

Many, many hours later, at the end of a LONNNNNG day of book promotion, I did a booksigning at Anderson's Bookshop in Naperville. Several blog folks showed up, including The Amazing Steve, who did such fine work of summarizing the "plot" of 24 back when we used to liveblog the show. Here's a crappy photo of me with Steve:

Tomorrow I head to Atlanta, and Thursday I'm in Savannah. Friday I think I might have a beer.

FLORIDA PYTHON HUNT UPDATE

Of the tens of thousands of pythons in the Everglades, capturing 50 certainly is "nothing short of fantastic".

SOMETHING TO BE PROUD OF

Barry Manilow Reveals Why He Was the 'Justin Bieber of the '70s'

(Thanks to Chuck Cody)

PLAY BALL!

Surely someone will show up, eventually.

(Thanks to Virtual User)

IT'S ALMOST VALENTINE'S DAY

And the man in your life wants every useless gadget in existence.

(Thanks to Jon Harris, presumably a man)

FASHION

Alexandre Herchcovitch sends blindfolded models down the runway

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson, who says, "He should have blindfolded the audience.")

'THAT DIDN'T EXACTLY GO AS PLANNED'

What happens when a live condor gets loose at a hockey game

(Thanks to Jenny Kellner)

As God is my witness, I thought condors could skate.

SHE HAD HER REASONS

Florida Woman Arrested After Genital Kicking Spree

(Thanks to Bob Drinski)

GUESS THE STATE

Couple uses ‘freaky’ Vaseline-coated hose to give themselves coffee enemas up to four times a day

(Thanks to Joe in Japan, Mark Buckley, Alkali Bill and Scott Cramer [who says, "the worst part of waking up."])

WITH A 40 PERCENT CHANCE OF CENTIPEDES

In Brazil It’s Raining Spiders

(Thanks to Suzie Q. Wacvet)

IT'S A PERFECT DISGUISE, BECAUSE YOU CAN'T LOOK DIRECTLY AT HIM

When deputies were investigating the theft, Drachenburg obstructed justice by disguising himself as "The Sun," the report does not go into further detail as to how Drachenburg took on "The Sun" identity.

(Thanks to Ralph)

ART UPDATE

The Chinese artist Song Dong is well known for his large-scale installations.

(Thanks to Unholy Slacker, who adds, "I'll bet he is.")

LOOK!! UP IN THE SKY! IT'S A BIRD! IT'S A PLANE!

It's a squid.

(Thanks to Jay Brandes)

SMUGGLE UP A LITTLE CLOSER

“If you can sneak in a phone to a prison, then you can sneak sperm out,” said lawyer Mahmoud Hassan.

(Thanks to Jon Harris and Bill Hudgins)

CAN YOU HEAR ME NOW?

Prisoner caught by ring tone coming from his rear end

(Thanks to everyone with a computer)

STRUMPDATE

Last night with Matt Groening at Live Talks LA

STRUMPDATE

I'm leaving Denver, where I had a nice event at the great Tattered Cover, and heading for Los Angeles, where I'll be doing Live Talks LA tonight with Matt Groening. For reasons nobody can clearly explain, the event will feature custom-made energy bars. I will also be asking Matt to to lead the audience in calisthenics.

ENGLISH FOOD UPDATE

Opening a pack of pork and chive sausages purchased from a Kent, U.K., Tesco supermarket, they spotted a human not-so-pearly-white nestled in the meat — complete with metal filling.

(Thanks to Chuck Cody)

'UNFORESEEN INCIDENT'

Mistrial declared when prosthetic eye pops out

(Thanks to Allen at Division)

CANADA

Disabled Goldfish gets underwater 'wheelchair'

(Thanks to The Perts)

We saw Disabled Goldfish open for the Ramones.

MIRACLE OF THE DAY SO FAR

Dave,  This appeared on the sliding door of my apt. one morning. I think it's a sign, a sign that my window needs cleaning again.

-- Paul Nielsen