Dave Barry's Blog

THERE IS NO GOOD REASON FOR CIVILIANS TO POSSESS THOSE THINGS

Woman held for Furby attack on boyfriend

(Thanks to Ralph)

FIRST IRAN GETS NUCLEAR WEAPONS, AND NOW THIS

Four students were arrested in Cairo on Saturday for emulating a viral dance craze called the “Harlem shake.”

(Thanks to oneblankspace)

THERE'S PROBABLY A PERFECTLY INNOCENT EXPLANATION

Gang member arrested with ONE HUNDRED bags of heroin 'concealed in his butt'

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

IT WAS A CONSENTING GATE

Pensioner, 76, got sexual kicks out of painting his gate while naked

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

THIS JUST IN

BC will inspect its own meat

(Thanks to John Semenec)

RESULTING IN A RUN ON MAGAZINES

Thefts force Trenton library to ration toilet paper

(Thanks to Barbara A)

CSI: NICEVILLE

A 24-year-old man told Niceville Police he was pulled from his bicycle and beaten by three males. A witness who was up in a tree corroborated part of the man’s story.

(Thanks to Chuck Clody)

WE NEED TO IMPROVE THE TRAINING OF OUR CRIMINAL CLASS

Men caught on CCTV driving truck into Hooters to steal ATM but mistakenly take the jukebox instead

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

WE HAVE NEW RESPECT FOR THEM

Fruit Flies Force Their Young to Drink Alcohol for Their Own Good

(Thanks to Monique and Suzie Q Wacvet)

WE CANNOT IMAGINE ANYTHING GOING WRONG WITH THIS PLAN

US Gov't To Air-Drop Toxic Mice On Guam Snakes

(Thanks to DaninTustin, Steven Riggs, PirateBoy, Susan Heller, Jay Brandes, Alkali Bill, Ken Morgan, Bryan M. and Dan Barr, who says, "I saw Toxic Mice open for Whitesnake. Or maybe it was the other way around.")

 

IN OUR DAY, "MAKING OUT" MEANT SOMETHING ENTIRELY DIFFERENT

A KFC employee in Tennessee is out of a job after photos of the culprit making out with a plate of mashed potatoes ended up on Facebook.

(Thanks to Matt Filar)

DOES THE PEOPLE MOVER GO THAT FAR?

Idaho Aquarium owner indicted for illegally buying sharks, rays from Florida.

Key quote: In one conversation, Covino is accused of telling the person to sneak the fish to Idaho.

(Thanks to Craig Roberts)

LANDLORD WHIPS TENANT FOR FALLING BEHIND ON RENT

The Dayton Daily News reported that Kronenberger is a former chamber of commerce president who was Waynesville’s “Citizen of the Year” for 2006.

(Thanks to Vincent Jeffers and Greg Snow)

WE SAW THEM OPEN FOR ADAM AND THE ANTS

Genesis Death Sandwich

(Thanks to Bill Hudgins)

TIME FOR A BENEFIT CONCERT

A Muskegon man claims "one of the largest porn collections" in the state of Michigan was stolen from his home Tuesday, Feb. 19, police said.

(Thanks to Omniskeptic)

GUESS THE STATE

Woman 'shot' and wounded as she cooks a snack after bullets left in her OVEN explode

(Thanks to Bill Hudgins and Jeff Meyerson)

FRANCE ON HIGH ALERT

Crocodile 'spotted in the Thames'

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

BUT IT WAS A CONSENTING AMBULANCE

Drunk man 'tried to have sex with an ambulance'

(Thanks to Jeffrey Brown)

THIS IS EXACTLY WHY WE HAVE 911

A drunk woman who ran out of cigarettes while drinking beers with her boyfriend called 911 to ask if a police officer could deliver a packet.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson, Jeffrey Brown and jon harris)

PRIORITIES

Man returns to Hastings home at 1:30 a.m., finds it damaged, begins drinking then calls police four hours later

(Thanks to Fred Hudson)

YOU ARE NOW FREE TO FREAK OUT ALL OVER THE CABIN

A JetBlue plane was grounded Tuesday because of a report of a scorpion on board.

(Thanks to jon harris)

ATTENTION, NOBEL PRIZE JUDGES

New app to keep you tweeting after death

(Thanks to Bill Hudgins)

INEVITABLE

Warehouse worker packing stress balls punched his boss in face

(Thanks to DaninTustin)

THEY NEED TO DO THIS WITH GOLF

Electroshock Football

(Thanks to Jan in Grimsby)

SPEAKING OF THREATS TO OUR FUNDAMENTAL HUMAN RIGHTS

Motor vehicle workers in Dayton called police on a man who insisted on wearing a pasta strainer on his head during the taking of his driver’s license photo, according to a police report.

(Thanks to Barbara A)

WE DON'T KNOW HOW OLD THIS IS

But it's funny.

(Thanks to jon harris)

NOW THEY'RE THREATENING THE MOST FUNDAMENTAL HUMAN RIGHT OF ALL

Deputies: Man scratching his family jewels sparked domestic flare-up

No need to guess the state.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

WHEN YOU'RE TALKING PARTY ANIMALS...

...you're talking Canadian census-takers.

(Thanks to The Perts)

WE REMEMBER (BARELY) WHEN YOU USED YOUR PHONE TO MAKE PHONE CALLS

The two later said they had been using an iPhone app called “Police Lights” that mimics actual emergency lights and sirens, police reported.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson, who dares you to guess the state)

THEY ALSO LIKE EXPENSIVE CARS

Penis size matters to female golden moles

(Thanks to Joe in Japan)

NEW ZEALAND SOCIAL NOTE

Four men, 11 sheep found in hatchback

(Thanks to Bill Moore and Jeff Meyerson)

CLASSY!

A New York mother has been charged with five counts of endangering the welfare of a child after she allegedly hired two strippers to perform lap dances on the guests at her son’s 16th birthday party.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

MEN, WOMEN AND HOUSEWORK: A BAD COMBINATION

A man told them his female roommate accused him of not cleaning the toilet and threatened to spray him in the face with “Awesome” — a cleaning agent.

(Thanks to Unholy Slacker)

THANKS

...but we'll stick with water.

(Thanks to Peter Metrinko)

'STARCATCHER' UPDATE

Peter and the Starcatcher, which is (and I can say this, because I didn't write it) a wonderfully entertaining show, is moving to a new theater.  Performances will resume Monday, March 18.

NORTH DAKOTA: STATE OF ROMANCE

Man stabbed after refusing to change positions during threesome

(Thanks to Dave Cohn, who says "It's never like this in the movies!")

WOMEN

Do NOT mess with them.

Related item here.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

PRACTICAL FASHION

The leggings start to break apart as the wearer moves throughout the day — until the pants fall off...entirely.

(Thanks to W. von Papineau)

SO IT'S OK TO BLOW YOUR MORTGAGE PAYMENT IN VEGAS

Scientists are still sorting out the details of last year's discovery of the Higgs boson particle, but add up the numbers and it's not looking good for the future of the universe, scientists said Monday.

(Thanks to jon harris)

SENIOR PROBLEMS

"The altercation appears to have been started over the fact that one resident was upsetting another by (selling Avon and disrupting) the scheduled bingo event that occurs," he said.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

FLORIDA PYTHON CHALLENGE FINAL RESULT

The pythons definitely won.

Update Reminding Us Why Florida Should Not Be Allowed To Participate in Any Event That Requires Declaring A Winner: Python-sized problem: Wrong winner named in Florida Everglades hunt

(Thanks to Howard from Broward)

 

NORTH CAROLINA TACKLES THE ISSUES

Women who wish to show their nipples in public in North Carolina may be prevented from doing so in the future after politicians proposed new legislation.

ADVISORY: Possibly NSFW.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

FESTIVE

Brothers celebrate lottery win by blowing up house

(Thanks to Jeff  Meyerson)

LOVE IS IN THE AIR

Woman bites off piece of boyfriend’s tongue after Valentine’s spat

(Thanks to DaninTustin and Bill from Salisbury MA)

GOOD BOY

Peach the police dog makes a statement.

(Thanks to Allen at Division and Ralph)

GUYS IN ACTION

Frenchman lands first ever car backflip on snow

(Thanks to Alkali Bill)

FASHION MODELS

We don't pay them enough.

(Thanks to Allen at Division)

YOU WILL NEVER GUESS THE STATE

Couple getting affectionate drives through home

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

OOPS

NHS pays out £1million in compensation to men who have had the wrong TESTICLE removed

(Thanks to Matt Filar)

THEY SHOULD HAVE FED THEM BITTERS

A Korean Airways cargo flight made an emergency mayday landing at Heathrow airport when the fire alarm on board was triggered over the Irish sea.  Gas masks in place, the crew proceeded to investigate. Instead of a blaze, they found that the 390 sweaty cows in cargo had inadvertently set off the alarm.

(Thanks to Ralph)

Question: Do cows sweat?