Dave Barry's Blog

GUYS IN ACTION

Car paintball.

(Thanks to Ken Morgan)

CSI: THE SUNSHINE STATE

A Deltona man shopping at a Walmart was arrested for shooting a shoplifter's car Wednesday, saying he wanted to mark the vehicle so police could find it, police said.

(Thanks to Richad Lee)

HELPFUL

The mayor of a California city struggling with a spike in burglaries and other crimes is apologizing for promoting a class about how to pick locks in her newsletter.

(Thanks to PirateBoy)

WE SAW BEAVER INVASION OPEN FOR WHITESNAKE

A beaver invasion in West Sacramento, Calif., has put homeowners on alert as police estimate as many as 30 rodents have infiltrated a neighborhood.

(Thanks to Omniskeptic)

THE UPSIDE: HER BREATH SMELLS VERY FRESH

Woman hooked on deodorant eats 15 sticks a month

(Thanks to DaninTustin)

WELL HOW THE HELL ELSE ARE YOU SUPPOSE TO CATCH THEM?

A history teacher at Schrade Middle School in Rowlett, Texas has been suspended because he lassoed a seventh-grader with a lariat.

(Thanks to jon harris)

SO *THAT'S* HOW TWITTER WORKS

Brains of rats connected allowing them to share information via internet

(Thanks to Jenny Kellner and Alkali Bill)

DESTINATION: FLORIDA

Parents film eight-year-old girl driving at speed on icy road

(Thanks to Howard from Broward and Jeff Meyerson)

TIME FOR STRICT FEDERAL CONTROLS

Davison woman bludgeons Bay County niece with casserole dish

(Thanks to Omniskeptic)

MEANWHILE IN CRICKET

“Pup came in and said, “are you right to bat?” and I said “unless they’ve got a whole roll of toilet paper, mate, I can’t get out there at the moment.”

NAME THAT STATE!

Thief tells Publix clerk 'I forgot to put my teeth in today'

(Thanks to Matt Filar)

HE WAS ARRESTED, BECAUSE 911 IS SUPPOSED TO BE USED ONLY FOR ORDERING CIGARETTES

An Indiana man was arrested on Friday after he called 911 nine times in 90 minutes, repeatedly trying to order a cheeseburger.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

AN ANXIOUS WORLD RESUMES WORRYING

Tensions Rising With North Korea, but Dennis Rodman Is There

(Thanks to Wig & Pen)

AN ANXIOUS WORLD HEAVES A SIGH OF RELIEF

Sausage costume returned

(Thanks to Chuck Cody, Janice Gelb, Ed. Floden, Steve Pflaum, Trent Whitney and Bob Dronski)

TOTALLY PLAUSIBLE

Neighbours say that the attack on the flowers came after Miss Webster became convinced that a resident had trained a squirrel to enter her garden.

(Thanks to Rick Chandler and Matt Filar)

Related: Wind, weather and squirrel blamed for power outage

(Thanks to The Bensinks)

IT WAS RELEASED AFTER PRODUCING A VALID FLORIDA LICENSE

Sea monster found in New Jersey

(Thanks to Jay Brandes)

IS THAT A STALK OF BAMBOO IN YOUR POCKET?

Let's get it on, Yang Guang: Zoo bosses play Smooth Radio tracks to panda to get him in mating mood

(Thanks to DaninTustin)

STAY CLASSY KESHA, WHOEVER YOU ARE

Only Kesha would write a song about her own private parts … and enlist her mom for help.

(Thanks to Unholy Slacker)

THIS MAN IS A GOD

Massachusetts man drinking his way across the state for a good cause

(Thanks to Horace LaBadie)

MEANWHILE IN SPORTS

Koreans reject Cuban ball switch

(Thanks to jon harris)

'POLICE DIDN'T ARREST THE DOG'

Florida man shot by his dog, police say

(Thanks to The Perts, coscolo, jon harris and Chuck Cody)

THIS JUST IN

Viewer makes Kang Ho Dong sweat on ‘Moonlight Prince’

(Thanks to Unholy Slacker)

GUESS THE... NEVER MIND

A Florida man is facing a misdemeanor charge after allegedly battering a teenage relative with a Taco Bell burrito.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

NOBODY COULD HAVE SEEN THIS COMING

Drunk Texas man shoots girlfriend during game of ‘quick draws’

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

TOOT

Thanks to Cory Doctorow for this nice review of Insane City.

WE DON'T PAY OUR GO-GO DANCERS ENOUGH

Go-go dancer helps subdue man wielding ax at Phoenix gay bar

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson, who says "Coming soon to the big screen, with Nicolas Cage if there's any justice.")

THOSE TERRORIST BASTARDS

Chicken causes power outage at airport

(Thanks to Steve Hammond)

SINCE YOU PUT IT THAT WAY, YOU'RE FREE TO GO

Drunk college student who ran over police officer investigating another hit-and run told him he should be 'out catching real criminals'

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson, who says "See if you can possibly guess the state.")

GRAB A SPOON

Truck hauling 40,000 pounds of ice cream overturns on I-65

(Thanks to Sharon [The Minx] Lurie, who says, "We're gonna need more sp;rinkles.")

OOPS

CCTV captures moment naked man gets locked outside his hotel room

(Thanks to Peter Metrinko)

WE SAW THE BUTTOCK FLASHERS OPEN FOR THE FALSE-TEETH BRANDISHERS

Hunted: Buttock-flashing, false teeth-brandishing basketball thief on Kings Hill bus

(Thanks to Unholy Slacker)

IT'S AN EXCELLENT WAY TO AVOID ATTRACTING ATTENTION

Justin Bieber Spotted Wearing a Gas Mask (Yes, Gas Mask!) in London

(Thanks to Chuck Cody)

JERSEY (NOT THE SOPRANOS ONE) SOCIAL NOTE

Paul and Heidi Bellas walked up the aisle dressed as Shrek and Fiona.

(Thanks to Joe in Japan and Chuck Cody)

GREAT. NOW HE'LL BE SITTING NEXT TO ME ON THE PLANE.

Transportation officials in a Swedish city said they told a man he would no longer be able to ride city buses unless he improved his personal hygiene.

(Thanks to Unholy Slacker)

WE'RE WITH THE RABBIT ON THIS ONE

The moment Disneyland's White Rabbit snaps and 'assaults stunned 14-year-old girl shouting "Don't start your s**t with me"'

(Thanks to jon harris)

CSI: KNOXVILLE

School bus driver allegedly stole bus

(Thanks to Joe in Japan)

NOTED

Unlike many other reptiles and mammals, alligators sport permanently erect penises that hide inside their bodies, new research reveals.

(Thanks to Unholy Slacker)

WE LIVE IN EXCITING FINANCIAL TIMES

Trillions of dong ready to be pumped into stock market

(Thanks to Unholy Slacker)

SUDDENLY WE ARE NOT LAUGHING

Pollution which is 'shrinking' otter penises could be affecting humans too

(Thanks to Unholy Slacker)

JESUS SIGHTINGS UPDATE

Now: bird droppings.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

BUT WHAT IF IT'S A CONSENTING... OH, WAIT, NEVER MIND

Bill would punish sheepherders who go on the lam

(Thanks to craig Roberts)

WOMEN

Do not mess with them.

(Thanks to Chuck Cody)

HOW CAN WE CONTRIBUTE?

NASA Offers To Help Justin Bieber Perform Concert In Space

(Thanks to Chuck Cody)

A FLORIDA LICENSE IS ETC.

Car crashes into opticians in Kent

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

Related item: In Miami, we call this "parking."

(Also thanks to Jeff)

AW

Lawyer trapped, forgotten inside San Diego-area jail

(Thanks to Ralph)

ONE MAN'S OPINION

I am no expert, but if all these federal agencies agree that sequestration is a bad idea, it's probably a good idea.

BE ON THE LOOKOUT FOR BLISTERED FINGERS

A resident on the 600 block of S. Carlin Springs Road told officers that someone stole a chicken from her crock pot as it was cooking.

(Thanks to Ralph)

WE ARE SHOCKED, SHOCKED

'Bikini baristas' accused of serving more than just coffee

(Thanks to Craig Roberts)

AT LEAST WE STILL HAVE THE PYTHONS

With its violent crimes, high unemployment, dwindling population and financial crisis, Detroit was named on Thursday as the most miserable city in the United States.  It toppled Miami, which held the title last year...

(Thanks to jon harris)

AND THE SO-CALLED 'UNITED NATIONS' DOES NOTHING

Chemicals linked to problems with otters' penis bones

(Thanks to Joe in Japan)