Dave Barry's Blog

'ADVENTUROUS' IS ONE WORD FOR IT

Harvard professor "adventurous" woman to give birth to Neanderthal clone

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson, Omniskeptic, Joe in Japan, Bill Hudgins and Bill from Salisbury)

TIME FOR STRICT FEDERAL CONTROLS

An Ohio man was arrested for allegedly smashing an urn full of human ashes over the head of another man during an argument, police said.

(Thanks to Omniskeptic and Ralph)

MEANWHILE IN CANADA

Taking Action on the 'Windsor Hum'

(Thanks to The Perts)

WE BET HE WAS

Serial panty thief arrested in Bangkok

(Thanks to Phil McAvity)

CSI: COLOMBIA

Getaway donkey ruins robbery

(Thanks to Chuck Cody)

IT'S ABOUT TIME, FASHION WORLD

The trend you didn't know you were longing for 

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

YUM!

WWII lard washes up on beach at St Cyrus nature reserve

(Thanks to Jon Harris)

DAMN YANKEES

A bank in the small Texas town of Chappell Hill is inviting customers to bring in concealed handguns because it has been robbed five times, “all of them by Yankees.”

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

THERE ARE LIMITS TO WHAT ANY MAN CAN TAKE

According to reports out of China, a man in Guangzhou phoned the police because he thought the Spicy McChicken he ordered was too darn spicy.

(Thanks to Chuck Cody)

WE JUST BET HE WAS SPIRITUAL

The Catholic priest busted for allegedly dealing crystal meth was suspended after church officials discovered he was a cross-dresser who was having sex in the rectory...

(Thanks to Alison McQuade)

ALSO, FISH SWIM, BIRDS FLY

An Eagan lawyer is suspended indefinitely after having an affair with a client whom he represented in a divorce, then billing her for time they spent having sex.

(Thanks to John Gregg)

 

WHEN SAUSAGES ARE OUTLAWED

Woman attacks man with Swedish sausage

Note: The man was not injured by the Swedish sausage.

(Thanks to Joe in Japan)

THAT'S WHY THEY'RE KNOWN FOR THEIR EFFICIENCY

German criminal police who used hidden cameras for 18 months to try to find a toilet paper thief in their own office were probably breaking the law, it has emerged.

(Thanks to Joe in Japan)

SORRY ABOUT THE INFREQUENT POSTS

There's not much internet here. Plenty of porgy, however. (Whatever that means.)

ADVISORY

WE DON'T WANT TO KNOW WHAT'S IN IT

LAND OF ROMANCE

Convicted condom-piercer taking appeal to Supreme Court of Canada

(Thanks to The Perts)

WE SAW THEM OPEN FOR THE WHO

Blueberry farm cannons frightening horses, farmers say

(Thanks to The Perts)

INCREDIBLY, THIS DID NOT WORK

Police said Boudreaux realized while at Kenney's Seafood the business used security cameras and he wasn't wearing a mask, so he placed a bucket over his head.

(Thanks to Ralph)

MEN:

Do not click here.

(Thanks to Unholy Slacker)

BULLETIN BULLETIN BULLETIN

George Clooney May Have Had Plastic Surgery On His Testicles

(Thanks to Unholy Slacker)

HIGHER ED

Two students at Exeter University in England were caught on camera having intercourse during the school's annual Safer Sex Ball.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

A BLOW FOR LIBERTY

'Insulting' words crime which made it illegal to call a police horse 'gay' is to be changed

(Thanks to Paul Meyer)

JOURNALISM

I'm doing an event in St. Petersburg tonight with Gene Weingarten. It's going to be very intellectual.

WE LIVE IN WONDROUS TIMES

Did Google Street View car run over a donkey?

(Thanks to Joseph McConnell)

AND THE DOGS ARE *NOT* HAPPY

Taiwan confiscates 435 dog penises

(Thanks to Unholy Slacker)

THANK GOD WE HAVE SOME FUNDAMENTAL RIGHTS LEFT

Burglar who cooked pie in underwear avoids jail

(Thanks to Chuck Cody)

How the pie got into the underwear, we'll never know.

ATTENTION, NOBEL PRIZE JUDGES

Moisturizing jeans.

(Thanks to wiredog and Unholy Slacker)

IS THERE A PROBLEM, OFFICER?

Drunken driver crashed his car EIGHT times in one mile before getting stuck in a pole

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson, who says "He was determined to get to Florida.")

KANSAS CITY SOCIAL NOTE

Man shot in the butt in Kansas City bar fight that erupted after partying pregnant woman’s water broke

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

WAIT UNTIL YOU GET TO BE OUR AGE

N.J. appeals court says man in gun case can't argue he was unaware of his criminal past

(Thanks to Barbara A)

WHO SAYS ROMANCE IS DEAD?

Barnacles ejaculate into ocean to fertilize distant mates

(Thanks to Jeffrey Brown and Gregg in Baton Rouge)

THAT'S WHY THEY CALL IT THE BLUES

Queens mom gets toe chomped by rat at B.B. King Blues Club in Times Square

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

GUESS WHO WON

While the professionals used their decades of investment knowledge and traditional stock-picking methods, the cat selected stocks by throwing his favourite toy mouse on a grid of numbers allocated to different companies.

(Thanks to Janice Gelb)

WHY IS THIS NOT A WINTER OLYMPICS EVENT?

Los Angeles-based musician Sean Pawling played "Ride of the Valkyries" while downhill skiing in Lake Tahoe recently.

(Thanks to Ralph)

GRAMMAR SCHOOL OF THE WEEK

Unfortunately our strict poicy prohibits us from presenting the Grammar School of the Week.

(Thanks to Peter [Yes!] Metrinko, who cites this sentence: "The school has undergone many expansions, requiring the erection of several buildings...")

PLAN B: LARGE CORKS

A plan to give carbon credits for slaughtering camels, curbing emissions coming from their flatulence, was rejected by an Australian government committee.

(Thanks to Unholy Slacker)

INSANE CITY

Here's the beginning. It goes on sale January 29 in exchange for money.

COLLECTOR

An artist has been fined 64 euros for stealing a jar of feces that belonged to an installation at the Tartu Art Museum.

Maybe the artist needs to hook up with this guy.

(Thanks to Unholy Slacker)

WE SEE NOTHING AMUSING ABOUT THIS

Man called Boobey hides phone in buttocks to sneak it into Wheatfield prison

(Thanks to Unholy Slacker)

'I WANT CAKE NOW!'

Bad Lip-Reading takes on the NFL.

(Via Deadspin)

FLORIDA: WHERE NOBODY IS NORMAL

Local news site WPBF.com reported that a group of Satanists plans to hold a rally outside Scott's office on Jan. 25 to support the governor’s signing of a bill that allows students to pray at school events.

(Thanks to jon harris)

Further Evidence: Deputies Search For Grizzly Bear Cub In GG Estates

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

MEANWHILE IN SPORTS

'Does a fat baby fart?'

(Thanks to oneblankspace)

INCREDIBLY, ETC.

A woman in the Ural Mountains village of Beryozovo called police at 3 a.m. Friday saying a tank had been driven into her yard.

A Florida license is on the way.

(Thanks to Frank Smith)

WOULD THIS WORK WITH PYTHONS?

Senator suggests using rum to catch fugitive pigs

(Thanks to Ralph)

(We saw Fugitive Pigs open for the Troggs.)

YIKES

The Russian Hamster of Doom

(Thanks to Claire Martin)

NOW WITH EXTRA PROTEIN!

Horse DNA has been found in some beef burgers being sold in UK and Irish supermarkets, the Republic of Ireland's food safety authority (FSAI) has said.

(Thanks to Chuck Cody)

WHOA

Whoa.

(Thanks to Don Koury)

IF YOU'RE EVER INSTRUCTED TO STAND CLOSER TO A RHINO:

Decline.

(Thanks to Greg Snow)

WHICH OF COURSE WAS MADE AVAILABLE BY BOFFINS

Boffins discover chimpanzee is hooked on PORN

(Thanks to DaninTustin)