Dave Barry's Blog

CREEPING FASCISM

Authentic Scottish haggis has been banned in the United States since 1971, when the US Department of Agriculture (USDA) first took a dim view of one of its key ingredients - sheep's lung.

(Thanks to Matt Filar)

BUT THIS IS EXACTLY WHAT HOCKEY *NEEDS*

The general manager of Rapid City's minor league hockey team has apologized for an intermission event that resulted in college students vomiting on the ice.

(Thanks to Fred Hudson)

YOU WILL NEVER GUESS WHAT APPARENTLY WAS INVOLVED

A woman has to be rescued by firefighters after she gets stuck in her son's high chair.

(Thanks to Mag Last)

WHO SAYS ROMANCE IS DEAD?

Not this blog.

(Thanks to Matt Filar)

PAGING PAUL HOGAN

About 15,000 crocodiles have reportedly escaped from a farm in South Africa's far north amid heavy rains and flooding.

(Thanks to wiredog, Alkali Bill and Jay Brandes)

HE HAD SOUND MEDICAL REASONS

Doctor accused of urinating on dentist office door

(Thanks to Poker)

THAT CLEARS *THAT* UP

"I would argue it's a chicken egg if it has a chicken in it. If a kangaroo laid an egg from which an ostrich hatched, that would surely be an ostrich egg, not a kangaroo egg. By this reasoning, the first chicken did indeed come from a chicken egg, even though that egg didn't come from chickens."

(Thanks to The Perts)

WE STILL HAVE A FEW FUNDAMENTAL HUMAN RIGHTS LEFT

Appeals court agrees: No DWI charge for Medina Segway driver

(Thanks to Tash)

THE CANADIAN FORESKIN AWARENESS PROJECT TAKES ACTION

Oprah protested for endorsing face cream made from foreskins

(Thanks to Unholy Slacker)

HO-HUM

Naked Florida Man Jumps Off Roof Onto Homeowner, Knocks Television Over, Empties Vacuum Cleaner, Masturbates

(Thanks to Ralph, C Jon Johnson and Jan Crozier)

THEY ALSO LOVE LONG WALKS ON THE BEACH, AND ARE IN FAVOR OF WORLD PEACE

In the calendar, a long-haired brunette poses on a commode with pink lace panties stretched across her booted ankles. Another lies on grass, cupping her breasts while worms crawl through a patch of inky dirt piled over her nether regions. Still another crouches near a banana tree, her outstretched arms covering her bare chest as she lifts rotting fruit peels. Each photo is accompanied by a brief biography of the featured girl. All of the models were chosen because of their work on environmental issues.

THE STRUMPETING BEGINS

This just in: Dave wrote a book.

Reuters

North Jersey

Fort Worth 1

Fort Worth 2

MEANWHILE IN SPORTS

Cricket fans set beer snake record at Australia-Sri Lanka SCG washout

(Thanks to Ralph)

TERROR STALKS THE STREETS OF ELYRIA

Police in Ohio said a woman previously arrested for breaking into homes to clean them was arrested while shoveling strangers' driveways.

(Thanks to Ralph

HORN-TOOTING

Here's another review of Insane City, which by the way is going on sale Tuesday.

'WITH A STRONG GRIP'

Patient charged with fighting paramedics, squeezing their testicles

(Thanks to Unholy Slacker)

FRANCE ON HIGH ALERT

German soldiers are growing breasts

(Thanks to Bill Moore and Peter Metrinko)

CALL OFF THE BENEFIT CONCERT FOR GARY THE GOAT

Gary sat calmly outside the Downing Centre Local Court in a rainbow hat this morning as his owner, comedian James "Jimbo" Bazoobi, won his fight against $440 in fines he was issued for damaging vegetation last year.

(Thanks to jon harris)

FIRST ELMO, AND NOW THIS

Authorities in California say the voice actor who portrayed Charlie Brown in many “Peanuts” shows was arrested on charges that include stalking.

(Thanks to Matt Filar, who says, "Good grief!")

PLANNING TO DINE IN LAGOS?

Take your own soup.

Vaguely related item here.

(Thanks to Unholy Slacker)

ROMANTIC

My Boyfriend Proposed By Putting The Ring In The Toilet

(Thanks to Chuck Cody)

IT WAS ACTING SUSPICIOUS

Security guard in hospital after shooting off penis

(Thanks to Unholy Slacker)

LADIES:

Here are some tips on making your orgasm face.

(Thanks to Matt Filar)

MIAMI

Our ex-mayors are not like your ex-mayors.

SHE SHOWED *HIM*

Woman charged for throwing cat feces at officer's home

(Thanks to Unholy Slacker)

IT COULD HAPPEN TO ANYONE

Man apologises for vomiting and sleeping on bakery floor while drunk

(Thanks to Unholy Slacker)

THIS IS NOT EXPLICITLY PROHIBITED IN THE TEN COMMANDMENTS

Australian Priest, 80, Bites off Fellow Clergyman’s Ear in Parking Row

(Thanks to Bill Hudgins)

CSI: NORTH DAKOTA

Police say a man hollered "woo-hoo" as he ran out of a Bismarck deli with a woman's wallet.

(Thanks to Fred Hudson, who says, "I think he was just glad the temperature had reached over 0 degrees.")

OR, NOT

Snake massage may help overcome phobia

(Thanks to W. von Papineau)

HARD TO ARGUE

What the world needs now is more drunk accordion players.

(Thanks to Mr. Ted Habte-Gabr)

AND NOW THEY DON'T LOOK WEIRD AT ALL!

Overweight couple shed ten stone by POLE DANCING

(Thanks to Matt Filar)

ATTENTION, NOBEL PRIZE JUDGES

Psychiatrist knits anatomically correct woolly brain

(Thanks to Ralph)

WHEN YOU GET OVER A QUART, YOU'RE TALKING FEDERAL OFFENSE

Police in Florida said they arrested a woman accused of using a pint of ice cream as a projectile weapon against a neighbor.

(Thanks to Ralph)

(The grammatical error in this post has been fixed, and judi will be fired.)

IN SUFFICIENT QUANTITIES, THOSE CAN BE DANGEROUS

The New York Police Department said a raid on a suspected drug lab found only a man mixing table salt with baking soda.

(Thanks to Ralph)

WINTER SPORTS COMPETITOR OF THE WEEK

Unfortunately our strict policy prohibits us from bringing you the Winter Sports Competitor of the Week.

(Thanks to Rick Chandler)

SOPHISTICATED

New York bouncer, blogger and author Rob Fitzgerald has noticed a trend among many of the macho young men waiting outside his clubs. He says the guys are slathering up their torsos with the hemorrhoid cream Preparation H to make themselves look "ripped" for the ladies.

(Thanks to Unholy Slacker, who says "The 'H' stands for 'hipster.'")

THOSE TERRORIST BASTARDS

A truckload of burning cheese has closed a road tunnel in Arctic Norway for the last six days.

(Thanks to RussellMc and Ed. Floden)

CSI: CLARKESVILLE

Clarksville Police Arrest Intoxicated Zombie Shouter

(Thanks to Bill Hudgins, who saw them tour with the Grateful Dead)

'I FART IN YOUR GENERAL DIRECTION'

Rotten eggs stench reaches UK after French gas leak

(Thanks to Mag Last)

HENCE THE EXPRESSION 'MONEY OUT THE WAZOO'

A museum which kept ancient artefacts on display believing they were early gaming pieces has discovered they were actually used as a primitive form of toilet paper.

(Thanks to Unholy Slacker)

NOTED

Men shouldn't fear seductive snake women this year

(Thanks to Matt Filar)

SOON WE WILL HAVE NO BASIC CONSTITUTIONAL RIGHTS LEFT

Man cited for riding camel during Sundance fest

Possibly related item here.

(Thanks to Joe in Japan)

WE KNOW THE TYPE

Ancient Sea Animal Looked Like Flower & Had Anus Near Mouth

(Thanks to Unholy Slacker)

MEDICAL PROFESSIONAL OF THE WEEK

Unfortunately, our strict policy etc.

(Thanks to Unholy Slacker)

WE BEAT DETROIT!

The worst-run cities in America.

(Thanks to Omniskeptic)

THEY TASTE JUST LIKE CHICKEN GALL BLADDERS

An owner of a Richland Chinese restaurant is accused of illegally buying bear gall bladders...

(Thanks to Craig Roberts)

THEY'RE ESPECIALLY TROUBLESOME WHEN THEY GET BEHIND THE WHEEL

Loose lemurs cause havoc in North Miami Beach

(Thanks to Matt Filar, who says he saw the Loose Lemurs open for the Stone Poneys)

IS THERE A PROBLEM, OFFICER?

Drunk driver didn't know she was naked, Sparta cops say

(Thanks to Barbara A)

'THE SHAPE IN QUESTION DOESN’T DIVERGE CONSIDERABLY FROM THE NORM OR WHAT’S USUAL IN THAT SECTOR'

Vibrator With 3 Balls Can’t Win EU Trademark, Court Says

(Thanks to Unholy Slacker)

'...A PRETTY LOW ACT'

Darwin woman accuses neighbour of stealing dog's sperm

(Thanks to Unholy Slacker)