Dave Barry's Blog

GUESS THE STATE

Man arrested after pocket-dialing 911

WE ARE NOT ABOUT TO ARGUE

Hitler's Toilet is in New Jersey

(Thanks to Unholy Slacker and Barbara A.)

ROCK BANDS IN THE NEWS

Horrible Smelling Lump

Mysterious Purple Spheres

(Thanks to Alkali Bill and Daisy Loomis, respectively)

ANTS COME IN THE MAIL!

Light Up Beer Mug Ant Farm

(Thanks to Craig Roberts)

STRUMPDATE

The New York Times

LA Review of Books - Skype interview

PROOF THAT SCIENTIFIC PROOF CAN BE UTTER NONSENSE

Right, ladies?

(Thanks to The Perts)

GOOD TO KNOW

Uranus takes a pounding more frequently than thought.

(Thanks to Jay Brandes)

HER FLORIDA LICENSE IS PENDING

105-year-old passes her driving test

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson and Jon Harris)

WHAT COULD POSSIBLY GO WRONG?

A slingshot that shoots chainsaws

(Thanks to Susie Q. Wacvet)

STRUMPDATE

Hudson Buzz

Philadelphia Inquirer

Chicago Tribune

Weekend Edition, NPR

 

MIAMI: HOTBED OF EDUCATION

Miami-Dade Police dogs, cocaine used in 4th-grade science project

FLORIDA PYTHON HUNT UPDATE

Florida's python hunt yields 37 snakes so far.

This has been your Florida python hunt update.

A FLORIDA DRIVER'S LICENSE, ETC.

Driving with skates “is probably not very safe”

(Thanks to Paul Meyer)

PRESUMABLY, HE ALREADY HAS A FLORIDA LICENSE

In a way, Broward County bus driver Charles Butler has been lucky. Despite hitting 10 cars, losing his driver's license five times, showing up late and sparking a lawsuit, he remains behind the wheel.

(Thanks to Allen at Division)

FASHION FOR "MEN"

Honest.

(Thanks to Alkali Bill)

TECHNICALLY, NOT A STRUMPDATE

Bride Plans Wedding Day a Decade Before She Has Her Groom

(Thanks to Jon Harris)

UPDATE FROM STRUMPETVILLE

I'm at the offices of the publisher. They asked me to sign a few books.

GRAMMAR: IT HELPS YOU EXPRESS EXACTLY WHAT YOU MEAN

If you're a comedic lover, this Skinsuit is the right fit for you!

(Thanks to Matt Filar)

A FLORIDA DRIVER'S LICENSE...

...would be appropriate.

(Thanks to Jay Brandes)

FOR INSTANCE

Dave will strumpet on NBC's Today show, today, at approximately way too early a.m.

Note: It's actually scheduled now for 9:30.

STRUMPETING ADVISORY

I'm heading out on the Mother of All Book Tours to promote my new comic novel, Insane City, which will go on sale January 29, and which has already been hailed as one of very the few novels ever written -- including those by Tolstoy -- that feature, as main characters, both an orangutan and a snake. I hope to run into some of you out there in BookTourLand. (I'll be the one wearing unlaundered garments.)

Anyway, for the next couple of weeks blogging from me will be sporadic. It's possible that judi will be able to pick up some of the slack, although while I'm traveling she also expects to be pretty busy.  

THE HOPES OF ALL HUMANITY ARE RIDING ON THIS

Scientist given grant to further develop melt-proof chocolate biscuit

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

ROMANCE

Naked drunk woman drives car into her naked fiance

Incredibly, this did not happen in Florida.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

TIME FOR STRICT FEDERAL CONTROLS

Ga. woman assaults man with jar of olives

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson and Jay Brandes)

HOLD THE WORMS

Japanese Restaurant Uses Dirt as the Main Ingredient for Its Expensive Dishes

(Thanks to Bob Brogan)

BUT IT WAS A VERY IMPORTANT TEXT

Texting newsreader walks into canal

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

ALSO, FARTING

Lazy guys and hairy girls spur Swedish love-rats

(Thanks to Joe in Japan)

ADVISORY:

If you kiss your bicep, you may owe this guy money.

Or maybe it's only if you kiss his bicep. We need legal clarification, here.

(Thanks to Loudmouth)

WE BET THEY'RE ACTUALLY SQUIRRELS WEARING RABBIT COSTUMES

Rabbits Wreaking Havoc On Cars At DIA

(Thanks to Bill Hudgins and Loudmouth)

AND IS IMMEDIATELY AWARDED A FEDERAL GRANT

Man who built Stamford's 5ft tall snow penis owns up

(Thanks to Unholy Slacker)

THIS IS EXACTLY WHY, IN FLORIDA, THE POLICY IS: NOBODY EVER FAILS

Police say a 21-year-old woman tried to run over her instructor with her car after she failed her driving test.

(Thanks to Chuck Cody and Jeff Meyerson)

THEN HOW DO THEY EXPLAIN THE KARDASHIANS?

You don't exist in an infinite number of places, say scientists

(Thanks to Rich Steurer)

NOTHING GOOD WILL COME OF THIS

Star Trek style 'tractor beam' created by scientists

(Thanks to Loudmouth)

'SIR, THE SPEED LIMIT IS 45. I CLOCKED YOU AT 14.'

Bill To Set Limit For Driving While Stoned Has A Good Chance

(Thanks to Loudmouth)

NOT A PROBLEM!

The Chicago Public Schools system has apologized for sending an email to parents that included a typo in a web link that sent them to an erotic website as a result.

(Thanks to Loudmouth)

WE NEED ALL UNITS TO GET DOWNWIND IMMEDIATELY

Firefighters discover pot grow operation in burning home

(Thanks to B'game, who says, "I lost my breathing gear.  We need to go back in there and make sure that nobody is trapped!  Dude, call the chief and ask if he can order some pizza.")

CSI: THE PACIFIC NORTHWEST

Seattle police search for toothless, fishy-smelling Rolex thief

(Thanks to B'game)

WHO SAYS KIDS TODAY LACK INITIATIVE?

Not this blog.

(Thanks to jon harris)

THOSE TERRORIST BASTARDS

Smoke from overheated pipe organ forces evacuation of Salem funeral

(Thanks to Ralph)

FLATHEAD COUNTY: THE HORROR ONLY GETS MORE HORRIBLE

4:02 p.m. Someone driving through Columbia Falls reported that a duck flew into the side of his trailer. He just wanted to talk to someone about the unfortunate event.

(Thanks to The Perts)

WE WILL REFRAIN FROM MAKING ANY URANUS JOKES

Dung Beetles Navigate by the Stars

(Thanks to Dan Barr and RussellMc)

WE WOULD ANSWER 'BECAUSE WE'RE NOT STUPID,' BUT WE DON'T WANT TO GET INTO TROUBLE

Why did men stop wearing high heels?

(Thanks to Monique)

LIKE, SQUEAK, DUDE

Mice chew into evidence bags, eat and nest in marijuana

(Thanks to Jay Brandes)

MAY IT REST IN PEACE

Coffin-shaped toilet dumped

(Thanks to Joe in Japan)

AND THE SO-CALLED 'UNITED NATIONS' DOES NOTHING

A Swedish woman receiving benefits to help fund her addiction to hairspray, make-up, and candy is upset that authorities have gone to court in an attempt to slash her entitlement.

(Thanks to Joe in Japan)

THERE'S AN APP FOR THAT

If you feel you need it.

(Thanks to wiredog)

PRIORITIES

Despite allegedly striking a deputy's cruiser head-on, then running it off the road and leading authorities on 10-minute chase spanning two counties before crashing, she apparently never dropped her beer.

(Thanks to Ralph)

TOTALLY JUSTIFIED

Police in South Carolina said they arrested a woman accused of choking a man when he attempted to pull more blanket on top of himself.

(Thanks to Ralph)

MEDICINE

Man growing new nose on his arm

(Thanks to Phil McAvity)

BRILLIANT

A prostitution suspect was arrested earlier this month after undercover detectives said they arranged to meet her for sex at the Salem police department.

(Thanks to RHA)