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December 20, 2012

PARENTHOOD

They believe he was acting out over his son’s one-day suspension. In a TV interview, Festerman said his whole family enjoys carrying out “Liquid Ass ” pranks wherever they go...

(Thanks to Matt Filar)

CSI: SWEDEN

Burning goat tattoos arouse police suspicion

(Thanks to The Perts)

RIBBIT, DUDE

Scientists Look For New Drugs In Skin Of Russian Frog

(Thanks to jon harris)

IT'S A JACKET *AND* A SUITCASE!

It's Jaktogo!

(Thanks to jon harris)

IT'S THE MOST WONDERFUL TIME OF THE YEAR

Sheriff’s Arrest Woman Suspected Of Christmas Decoration Thefts

(Thanks to Crhis Elzi)

Denny's Christmas Tree Set Aflame By Man Angry About Long Wait

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

IT WAS EITHER THAT, OR USE 'HONEY BOO BOO' VIEWERS

Boeing uses potatoes to simulate humans in test of Wi-Fi signals

(Thanks to PirateBoy and Jan in Grimsby)

December 19, 2012

HEY, THE RULES ARE THE RULES

The naked man, 19-year-old Jamar Darnell Thomas, explained he wasn’t wearing any clothes as a consequence of losing a game of beer pong, police said.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

SOMEBODY'S GOING TO HELL

Angry resident turns hose on church choir

(Thanks to Janice Gelb)

THE NEWS FROM INDIA

Unfortunately our strict policy prohibits us from bringing you The News From India.

(Thanks to The Perts)

AT LEAST IT WASN'T AN EAGLE

Leaping crocodile lands on tourist

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

HO HO HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

The Christmas Tree Vibrator

(Thanks to wiredog)

YIKES

An eagle almost snatches a kid.

Could this be fake?

Update: Apparently, it could.

Advisory: Bad word that a person might say when he sees an eagle trying to snatch a kid.

(Thanks to wiredog, Arteme and Jeff Meyerson)

 

NEWS FROM THE ART WORLD

Behold the the 2012 winner of the coveted Turnip Prize. 

(Thanks to Ralph)

IT'S THE MOST WONDERFUL TIME OF THE YEAR

SALEM, N.H. —Six people were taken into custody Sunday in Salem after a fight broke out at the Mall at Rockingham Park over a parking space.

(Thanks to Poker and Monique)

December 18, 2012

WE'LL JUST HAVE THE FRIES, THEN

Your Hamburger May Have Feces Inside of It

Possible explanation here.

(Thanks to Unholy Slacker)

'WHY IS THE DOG GLOWING, DEAR?'

‘Over the years I’ve seen plenty of cases of dogs swallowing strange objects – socks, dummies, rubber ducks, but it’s the first time any of us have treated a dog that has actually eaten fairy lights.'

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

IT'S THE MOST WONDERFUL TIME OF THE YEAR

A DAD faces jail after admitting to biting off another man's finger at a school nativity play.

(Thanks to DaninTustin)

MUST BE QUITE A CAKE

Porcelain manufacturers only get petty pieces of 5 trillion dong cake

(Thanks to Unholy Slacker)

NEWS YOU CAN USE

Squeezing breasts 'could stop growth of cancer cells'

(Thanks to Allen at Division)

A SPECIAL GIFT FOR A SPECIAL PERSON

Balding Post-It Notes

(Thanks to The Perts)

SEND THIS BIRD TO WASHINGTON

A rude myna bird has been put in solitary confinement at a zoo after shouting 'f*** you' at visitors.

(Thanks to DaninTustin)

SOMEBODY'S PROBABLY NOT GOING TO GET A VALENTINE'S-DAY CARD

An Illinois woman faces an aggravated domestic battery charge after burning the skin off of her boyfriend's testicles while running him over with a car, prosecutors said.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

YOU KNOW HE'LL WIND UP SITTING NEXT TO YOU

Man wears 70 items of clothing at airport to avoid baggage charge

(Thanks to Chuck Cody and Matt Filar)

WE ASK THAT YOU REFRAIN FROM MAKING BONE JOKES

A 37-year-old Swedish woman with an admitted obsession with skeletons has been convicted of disturbing the peace of the dead for allegedly using human bones for sexual purposes.

(Thanks to Loudmouth)

SPORTS UPDATE FROM ENGLAND

Nathan Grindal Kicked Out Of Darts Tournament For Looking Like Jesus

(Thanks to The Perts)

IT GETS LONELY UP THERE

A bunch of strangers cuddling and affectionately massaging each other in a room might sound a little odd but it’s becoming an increasingly popular event in Calgary.

(Thanks to The Perts)

INTERNET FAD ALERT

Now: Frosting.

(Thanks to Loudmouth)

HERE BOY!

Dingo steals woman's valuables

(Thanks to Omniskeptic and Janice Gelb)

THE NEWS FROM DOWN UNDER

A SANITARY product commercial that used the word "vagina" got more Australians' knickers in a twist than any other this year, finishing 2012 as the year's most complained about ad.

(Thanks to The Perts)

December 17, 2012

UPDATE ON THE CONTINUED EROSION OF OUR FUNDAMENTAL HUMAN RIGHTS

A woman in China who named her dog after her neighbour and swore at it repeatedly has been ordered to pay £500 in compensation.

(Thanks to The Perts)

Fact That We Are In No Way Amused By: The neighbor's name is "Wang."

COMMUNICATION IS THE KEY TO A HAPPY MARRIAGE

Cops: Domestic Tiff Caused By Husband's Noxious Gas, Wife's Lysol Spray Rejoinder

(Thanks to Dad-O-Lot and Jeff Meyerson)

JERSEY

Naked Lyndhurst man allegedly sets fire to Paramus nursery

(Thanks to Barbara A)

WHOA

Commuters in Berlin got the fright of their lives last week when a woman boarded a subway train with her Shetland pony.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

WAIT... LOSE WHAT?

Internet pornography 'can make you lose your memory'

(Thanks to John Finn)

MEN:

Do not click here.

Really. Do not.

("Thanks" to Unholy Slacker)

p.s. Really.

FLORIDA

My friend Jim DeFede, a veteran connoisseur of Florida weirdness, had me on his TV show yesterday morning to talk about 2012. We both wore blue shirts, because that is the kind of fashion animals we are.

(Thanks to WVPlantman)

ADORABLE, PERHAPS. BUT PROBABLY NOT HAPPY.

This Adorable Dog Can Smell Your Diarrhea Before It Happens

(Thanks to Unholy Slacker)

THE TREE WAS THE ONLY THING STANDING BETWEEN HIM AND FLORIDA

Drunk, naked man steals car in Pontiac, crashes into tree

(Thanks to Joseph McConnell)

CRUEL

A suburban Chicago high school fundraising to save a popular arts center is motivating students to donate with an earsplitting incentive: pay up and they'll stop blasting Justin Bieber's "Baby" during passing periods.

(Thanks to Chuck Cody)

CHRISTMAS IS RIGHT AROUND THE CORNER...

Smartphone-Controlled Toilet Includes Built-in Speakers So You Can Listen to Music, Costs Nearly $5,000

December 16, 2012

ROMANTIC

Dennis Homberg Allegedly Broke Into Ex-Girlfriends Home, Glued Refrigerator Shut

(Thanks to Ralph)

GUESS THE STATE...

...where this individual was arrested:

Fl-russell

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson, who's guessing he's single)

LET'S HOPE HE ENJOYED HIMSELF

Man ordered to pay $28,000 strip club tab

(Thanks to Omniskeptic)

INCREDIBLY, ALCOHOL APPEARS TO HAVE BEEN INVOLVED

Spanish police said they arrested a driver who was traveling 75 mph in a 50 mph zone and a second man who was riding on the vehicle's hood.

(Thanks to Omniskeptic)

IT'S THE MOST WONDERFUL TIME OF THE YEAR

Police said that Lewellen, who officers described as “still enraged” then “ran down” Miller, pushed a shopping cart into her back and then jumped onto Miller’s back and punched her in the face.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

WE FIND NOTHING AMUSING ABOUT ANYBODY'S NAME IN THIS ITEM

Martin was caught on videotape in August 2009 throwing her crutches into a car and running in high heels to meet her boyfriend at a public park, where she took part in a sex act that doctors concluded she couldn't have done with an injured ankle, District Attorney Steve Wagstaffe said.

(Thanks to Mark Buckley)

 

BUT THEY CAN'T REMEMBER A THING

Vodka saved elephants from cold, say Russian trainers

(Thanks to Mark Buckley and coscolo)

BELIEVED TO BE HEADED SOUTH

Man in duck mask robbed gas station

(Thanks to Craig Roberts)

AND THAT'S JUST FOR ONE FLIGHT

Southwest Owes 5.8 Million Free Beers To Passengers

(Thanks to Chuck Cody)

INCREDIBLY, THIS DID NOT HAPPEN IN FLATHEAD COUNTY

At 3:50 a.m., a caller reported that a resident at a SE Midway Boulevard location had attempted to circumcise himself.

(Thanks to Layzeeboy and B'game)

 
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