Dave Barry's Blog

HAPPY NEW YEAR, YOU SOMETIMES ALARMING WONDERFUL PEOPLE

Have fun tonight. But please remember the values for which this blog stands. Thank you.

TOUGH CRITIC

Replica of Michelangelo's David has penis cut off

(Thanks to Unholy Slacker)

GOLF UPDATE

Unfortunately our strict policy prohibits us from presenting the Golf Update.

(Thanks to Unholy Slacker)

CHRISTMAS IN OMAHA

Santa Accused of Spreading His Holiday Flatulence Downtown

(Thanks to Unholy Slacker)

THE NEWS FROM ASIA

We Trick Five Beautiful Girls Into Drinking Feces Wine

(Thanks to Unholy Slacker)

GUYS IN HOLIDAY ACTION

Not sure how to get rid of your Christmas Tree? Inventors reveal how to turn it into a ROCKET

Key Rocket Name: "Missle Toe"

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

GETTING EVERYBODY IN THE MOOD

Classic New Year’s Eve Rock Posters

(Thanks to Ben Marks)

WE LIVE IN WONDROUS TIMES

Control This Roach Via Twitter

(Thanks to Ralph)

AND THEY'RE DONATING COSTUMES!

Sweden thanks Abba for the music with an all-singing, all-dancing museum

(Thanks to Monique)

IN FLORIDA, PEOPLE GRIND THEM UP AND SMOKE THEM

A Florida fossils dealer has admitted smuggling dinosaur bones into the US, including those of a 70-million-year-old Tyrannosaurus bataar from Mongolia.

(Thanks to Barbara A)

FLORIDA WILDLIFE UPDATES:

Vultures pick at visitors' cars in Fla Everglades

(Thanks to B'game)

Ranger, there's a python trying to get into my tent! Family discover 17ft snake on Everglades camping trip

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

TOTALLY JUSTIFIED

A Florida woman is jailed on a battery rap for allegedly striking her boyfriend after he “finished first and stopped pleasuring her” during a mutual oral sex session late last night in the victim’s home, police report.

Advisory: Raunch.

(Thanks to Bill Hudgins, Jeff Meyerson and DaninTustin)

SOON WE WILL HAVE NO BASIC CONSTITUTIONAL RIGHTS LEFT

A La Crosse man was cited for disorderly conduct on Christmas Eve after a neighbor witnessed him dancing naked in his window.

Incredibly, etc.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

DO NOT MESS WITH THEM

A Homestead woman was arrested Wednesday, charged with setting fire to a mattress as her ex-boyfriend and another woman slept on it.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

BULLETIN BULLETIN BULLETIN

Justin Bieber has apparently been forgiven by the California Hamster Association (CHA) for giving away his pet hamster.

(Thanks to Ralph)

TOTALLY LEGAL EXCUSE

Woman arrested for drunk-driving after she crashes through police barricade says she can't be jailed as she is due in court the next day - for drunk driving

Incredibly, this did not happen in Florida.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

SO HOW WAS YOUR DAY?

Workers wear panda costumes smeared with urine to release cub into wild

(Thanks to Unholy Slacker)

LOOKING BACK ON 2012

Whap.

PLANNING TO SEE A DENTIST?

Do not click here.

(Thanks to DaninTustin)

THAT'S HOW HOT SHE WAS

Woman with no pants sets off fire alarm, police say

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

THAT'LL DO, CLUCK CLUCK

Wis. couple says pet chicken alerted them to blaze

(Thanks to coscolo)

YOU WANT FRIES WITH THAT?

Police use McDonald's hamburgers to lure naked man from 220-foot Los Angeles radio tower

(Thanks to Larry Signor)

THE NEWS FROM IMPHAL

Unfortunately, our strict policy prohibits us from bringing you the News from Imphal.

(Thanks to Unholy Slacker)

COMMUNISM: EVEN WORSE THAN WE THOUGHT

China Requiring People To Visit Their Aged Parents

(Thanks to jon harris)

FORGET ALL OF OUR PREVIOUS NOBEL-PRIZE NOMINATIONS

A pair of Japanese researchers has figured out a polite way to get a long-winded gabber to stop talking: simply point their SpeechJammer gun at the speaker, and shoot.

(Thanks to James in NC)

YIKES

Spider That Builds Its Own Spider Decoys Discovered

(Thanks to ParkRanger)

AND IT'S CLEARLY HAPPY TO SEE THEM

Hundreds of visitors are flocking daily to a botanical garden in southeastern Brazil to watch the rare blooming of the Titan arum, the world’s smelliest and largest tropical flower.

(Thanks to Unholy Slacker)

CSI: WOODBURY

Toilet is likely culprit for library's lingering stink

(Thanks to Unholy Slacker)

THIS COULD BE EVEN BIGGER THAN THE ASPARAGUS ANTI-HANGOVER DISCOVERY

Brussels sprouts could become flatulence free thanks to new technology being developed by scientists in Hertfordshire, south east England.

(Thanks to Unholy Slacker, who says, "I didn't even know Brussels sprouts had flatulence.")

BRILLIANT

Carrying cases for brassieres.

(Thanks to Sharon [The Minx] Lurie)

INCREDIBLY, ETC.

A MAN urinated over flower beds in front of shocked shoppers, while making a noise like an elephant, a court heard.

(Thanks to Unholy Slacker)

GOLF NEWS FROM DOWN UNDER

You don't want to know.

Really.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

LOOKING FOR A POST-HOLIDAY BARGAIN?

Here's a deal on celebrity colons.

(Thanks to Nancy Gill)

THE RESTAURANTS WILL FEATURE BAT

“How does The Ozzy Osbourne International Airport resonate?"

(Thanks to Ralph)

ATTENTION, NOBEL PRIZE JUDGES

Asparagus Prevents Hangovers, Incredibly Useful Study Finds

(Thanks to Jay Brandes)

OBJECTION, DUDE

The Guy Who Brought 32 Bags of Weed into a Courtroom

(Thanks to Carolyn Henly)

NEVER GO ANYWHERE WITHOUT IT

A British doctor saved the life of a 77-year-old patient by injecting a shot of alcohol straight into his heart!

(Thanks to Sharon [The Minx] Lurie)

It also works for cows.

(Thanks to The Perts)

IS THERE A PROBLEM, OFFICER?

‘Drunken’ British man arrested after driving stolen car on to Amsterdam airport runway

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

WHAT, NO LAPTOP?

Brazilian tries to smuggle a Blackberry, recharger, earphones and sim card into prison (all hidden in his bottom)

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

THEY SNAPPED UP ALL THE SALE ITEMS

Sharks Escape Into Chinese Mall After Their Tank Shatters

(Thanks to Jenny Kellner)

OUR LONG NATIONAL NIGHTMARE IS OVER

Hotel recovers missing gorilla statue

(Thanks to Horace LaBadie)

AW

Blind dog Abby finds her way home in depths of Alaskan winter

(Thanks to Allen at Division)

THE NEWS FROM GUANGZHOU

Unfortunately our strict policy prohibits us from bringing you the News from Guangzhou.

(Thanks to Unholy Slacker)

IMAGE OF THE WEEK SO FAR

Flatulence pants fly off the shelves in Japan

(Thanks to Unholy Slacker)

OOPS

Vermont State Police say a man faces a drunken driving charge after driving onto the lawn of the historic home in Dorset once owned by the co-founder of Alcoholics Anonymous.

(Thanks to Poker)

TIME FOR A BENEFIT CONCERT

Recent increase noted in pubic hair grooming injuries

(Thanks to Unholy Slacker)

IF THIS DOESN'T SAVE ENDANGERED SPECIES, WE DON'T KNOW WHAT WILL

50,000 Endangered Species Condoms to Be Handed Out at Year-end Events

(Thanks to Unholy Slacker)

MEANWHILE IN SPORTS

Cricket wicket badly damaged by teens in underwear

(Thanks to Unholy Slacker)

A PAIR OF SHOES AND A FLORIDA LICENSE ARE ON THE WAY

"Then I saw both feet out of the window and I thought: bloody hell.”

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

CANCEL THOSE PLANS FOR THE MOBILE MOONPIE DROP

Phuket megaparty ‘almost confirmed’ for Patong

(Thanks to Unholy Slacker)