Dave Barry's Blog

MAY HE ROOT IN PEACE

A Minnesota woman said the funeral for her late boyfriend will involve pizza and watching the Minnesota Vikings take on the Green Bay Packers.

(Thanks to Ralph)

SOUTH FLORIDA WEATHER FORECAST

Mostly sunny, with a chance of hairballs.

(Thanks to James in NC)

JUST FYI

"Thank you to all those of you who've pointed out to me that my surname means 'testicles' in your language."

Related item here.

(Thanks to Unhboly Slacker)

TIME FOR MANDATORY FEDERAL REGISTRATION

Police: 2 men beaten with toilet plunger in Flint

(Thanks to Unholy Slacker)

IT'S GETTING SO WE HAVE NO CONSTITUTIONAL RIGHTS AT ALL

Man Charged with Vandalism for Defecating in Sink, Trying to Flush Pants

This happened at the police station.

(Thanks to Unholy Slacker)

DOO YOUR PART

Help Scientists by Sending Them a Stool Sample

(Thanks to Bill Hudgins)

WE LIVE IN WONDROUS TIMES

Mustache transplants.

(Thanks to Chuck Cody and jon harris)

YOU KNOW YOU (BURPPP) NEED IT

The Beeracuda.

(Thanks to jon harris)

RIGHT NOW

Dave's on the radio.

IT WAS ASKING FOR IT

Mercer Island cop shoots self in butt

(Thanks to B'game)

THE HERALD HUNT

It's tomorrow. Lots more info at Andy the Tropic Hunt Guy's site. Come out, go insane.

ITS FIRST THOUGHT WAS, "EH?"

Canadian scientists create a functioning, virtual brain

(Thanks to The Perts)

GUYS IN ACTION

Spokane man kills spider with brass knuckles

(Thanks to Craig Roberts)

YET ANOTHER ARGUMENT IN FAVOR OF PASSING OUT ON THE FLOOR

Study: Chemicals found in couches could make you sick

(Thanks to Craig Roberts)

SEND THEM TO WASHINGTON

Rolling Stones are older than U.S. Supreme Court, on average

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

AGENDA OF THE WEEK SO FAR

Groins, beach renourishment discussed at CBIEO meeting

(Thanks to Will Judd)

BIGFOOT DNA UPDATE

Bigfoot real and the result of human women mating with an ‘unknown hominin,’ claims U.S. study

The sluts!

(Thanks to Unholy Slacker and The Perts)

AHEM

Study ranks America's best and worst cities for good-looking people (and it’s great news if you live in Miami… bad news if you’re in Anchorage)

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

THOSE THINGS ARE JUST TOO EASY TO OBTAIN

Suspects wanted in West Seattle ukulele attack

(Thanks to Craig Roberts)

FLATHEAD COUNTY: A POWDER KEG WAITING TO EXPLODE

2:43 p.m. A Kila woman complained that the arrangements she made for her dog to be shipped across the country didn’t work out.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

IF YOU THINK YOKO'S SINGING IS BAD

...check out her fashions for men.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson and Chuck Cody)

CASUAL WEDNESDAY

Police: Woman attempts to give man directions, discovers he's not wearing pants

(Thanks to Omniskeptic)

SUPER MARIO IS ON URANUS

'Pac-Man' spotted on Saturn's moons

(Thanks to The Perts)

NEVER LEAVE HOME WITHOUT THEM

CALGARY -- The victim of a shooting at the hands of her ex-boyfriend said Wednesday her breast implants saved her from serious harm.

(Thanks to Matt Filar)

OUR KIND OF TOWN

Squirrel: It’s what’s for dinner in Romney, W.Va.

(Thanks to Matt Filar)

HO HO HO

Really bad Christmas decorations.

(Thanks to marko)

Related Item: Police force woman to take down middle-finger Christmas lights she set up as message to her neighbors

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson and DaninTustin)

BULLETIN BULLETIN BULLETIN

Ice-T's wife Coco wants pet bulldog to get testicle implants

(Thanks to Unholy Slacker)

MICHIGAN PARTY NOTE

Drunk hockey player was wearing Teletubbie costume

(Thanks to Dan Barr, queensbee and KJP)

'BOWEL BASED BIOMARKERS'

Clues To Climate Of Historical Earth Lie In Ancient Human Feces

(Thanks to Unholy Slacker)

We saw Bowel Based Biomarkers open for Ancient Human Feces.

IS THERE A PROBLEM, OFFICER?

Man charged with falling off building onto officer

(Thanks to Craig Roberts)

DEPARTMENT OF LINKS YOU WILL REGRET CLICKING ON

Woman left with hideous bulge after implant 'flips inside out'

(Thanks to Unholy Slacker)

THIS DOES NOT STRIKE US AS A PARTICULARLY GOOD IDEA

Escaped emu coaxed into police car

(Thanks to Jan in Grimsby)

SOMETIMES THE JOKES JUST WRITE THEMSELVES

Man arrested after wild goose found in his SUV

(Thanks to Not My Usual Alias)

THERE IS DISTURBING...

...and then there is disturbing.

(Thanks to nursecindy)

AS IF WE NEED ANOTHER REASON FOR A FEDERAL BAN ON IRONING BOARDS

A Thanksgiving Day argument over a misplaced sex toy escalated into the ironing board assault of a South Carolina woman by her girlfriend, cops report.

(Thanks to Unholy Slacker)

THE BENEFIT OF A LONG WEEKEND

NYPD: No Murders, Shootings, Stabbings Reported On Monday

(Thanks to Lani)

AND THEIR MOTHER IS *EXHAUSTED*

19 boy babies born in a row at Minnesota hospital

(Thanks to The Perts)

NOTHING A WET MOP CAN'T TAKE CARE OF

Dirt from Justin Bieber's hometown hits Ebay

(Thanks to The Perts)

UH-OH

A 24-year-old woman was arrested yesterday for attacking her boyfriend after he climaxed and she did not, a police report alleges.

Guess the state.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

EXCEPT THEY DON'T LOOK ANYTHING LIKE ZOMBIES. NOT THAT WE'RE COMPLAINING.

A South African advertising agency has combined two popular genres to create a zombie swimsuit calendar.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

Speaking of zombie calendars: These won't last long!

DUDE, WE HAD THIS IN THE SIXTIES. WE JUST DIDN'T CALL IT AN 'INSTITUTE.'

Pot institute formed at Humboldt State University

(Thanks to Ralph)

SHE'S SEEN WORSE-LOOKING RELATIVES

Eizabeth meets a sniper.

(Thanks to Jan in Grimsby)

HURRICANE SANDY: GUYS IN ACTION

The men took a waterproof cooler full of whiskey sours on the trip from Devilbiss Bridge Road to Walmart on Monocacy Boulevard.

(Thanks to Alison McQuade)

ATTENTION, NOBEL PRIZE JUDGES

Your work is done.

(Thanks to Allen at Division)

WAIT... IS THIS BAD?

Great tit disease ‘spread to UK by insects’

(Thanks to Barbara A)

CLASSY!

Man Uses Scantily Clad Daughter to Sell 1977 Datsun on eBay

(Thanks to jon harris)

"I WAS SITTING UPSTAIRS READING A BOOK AND I HEARD THIS BIG 'POOSH'"

Poulsbo home flooded with raw sewage -- again

(Thanks to Craig Roberts)

HUH

Study: Porn Stars More Religious, Have Higher Self-Esteem Than Other Women

(Thanks to Loudmouth, who says, quote, "Oh God, Oh God, Oh God. So that was all prayer?")

THIS COULD BE PART OF THE UPRISING

Samsung Galaxy SIII stress-tested using jean-clad robotic buttocks

(Thanks to Unholy Slacker, who saw the Jean-Clad Robotic Buttocks open for Big Audio Dynamite)

TERRORISM UPDATE

Decorative cologne bottle shuts down Seattle street

(Thanks to Craig Roberts)