NOT OUR MOUTH, IT WON'T
Dung Spitting Competition Will Leave a Bad Taste in Your Mouth
(Thanks to Ralph)
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Dung Spitting Competition Will Leave a Bad Taste in Your Mouth
(Thanks to Ralph)
Darren Aronofsky's Noah Delayed Due to Flooding
(Thanks to padraig)
Senator's son accidentally shoots wife in buttocks
(Thanks to Craig Roberts)
Speeding cyclist found naked with underpants on head
(Thanks to Unholy Slacker)
Brown Student Remains Unconvinced There Was a Hurricane
(Thanks to jon harris)
(Thanks to jon harris)
Winnipeg Blue Bombers stadium sale includes urinal trough
(Thanks to The Perts)
But you need to be aware of it.
(Thanks to Jen Picciano)
Unfortunately our strict policy prohibits us from presenting the European Leader of the Week.
(Thanks to Unholy Slacker)
80,000 Pounds of Walnuts Stolen
(Thanks to bonmot, Bill Moore, Greg Snow, Jeffrey Brown and skshowa, all of whom suspect the squirrels)
(Thanks to Unholy Slacker)
Symphony confirms rump placing
(Thanks to Unholy Slacker)
Woman requests legal injuction for a penis
(Thanks to Matt Filar)
Dave and Judi,
I am an instructor for the University of South Florida's Computer Science and Engineering Department. On my quizzes, I give extra credit questions for my students that allow them to have fun and serve as a one-point protection against silly mistakes, so they feel less nervous. I think you two would appreciate the question I gave last week. I attached some of the more clever responses.
You have awakened to a world where squirrels have become the dominant species on Earth. They are the same size and strength as your normal squirrel, yet everyone you know seems to believe it is their moral obligation and duty to be at the beck and call of any and all squirrels. Humans and squirrels can communicate, but part of modern human equation is Squirrel Language. People dedicate their lives to serving squirrels (Squirrel Studies is considered a more desirable major than Engineering, unless your Engineering discipline is used to help the needs of suffering squirrels), and harming a squirrel is considered the highest crime a human can commit. As you've probably guessed, these squirrels are not benevolent rulers. They take full advantage of the servitude of humans, and their treatment of humans outrages you.
You are the only person who knows the ways of old. What do you do?
- Matt Morrison
Best Answer: "TODAY WE FIGHT!"
Do Intelligent People Drink More Alcohol?
(Thanks to Dad-O-Lot)
(Thanks to Ralph)
Peaches Geldof's dog is scared of his own farts.
(Thanks to Unholy Slacker)
Why penis worm anuses are getting evolutionary biologists all hot and bothered
(Thanks to Jeffrey Brown and Unholy Slacker)
Hurricane Storm Surge May Flood New York With Toxic Poo
(Thanks to Jeffrey Brown)
(Thanks to Peter Metrino, who stresses the importance of not making fun of the tweeter's name)
(Thanks to Ralph)
We saw the Svelte Zombies open for the original Zombies.
Unfortunately our strict policy prohibits us from presenting This Week's Book Club Selection.
(Thanks to Unholy Slacker)
Man throws spider at police officer
(Thanks to Dan Gray)
(Thanks to Unholy Slacker)
Drunk Swede runs over cop in Segway getaway
(Thanks to Joe in Japan)
Robber keeps drinking beer after police catch him
(Thanks to Craig Roberts)
A 19-year-old continues to recover after what Palm Bay police described as a botched attempt to jump over a moving car for a video showing his athletic prowess to potential football recruiters.
(Thanks to Robert Mathis, who notes, "Because coillege football recruiters always look for players that can jump over cars, just in case.")
To halt the growth, birth control is the best option. But no squirrel is willing to take a daily pill, and no IUD is small enough. So how do you put a squirrel on birth control?
(Thanks to Omniskeptic)
Mississippi School Charged With Arresting Kids For Flatulence
(Thanks to Unholy Slacker, who says "had they done that at my school, I'd have gotten a life sentence.")
(Thanks to many people)
Deflecting Incoming Asteroids with Paintballs
(Thanks to Jay Brandes)
(Thanks to Matt Filar)
Rare, enormous gas storm detected on Saturn
(Thanks to jon harris)
Yes, "vegetable magnate."
(Thanks to The Perts)
Attila Szoradi didn't have a Florida driver's license and wasn't interested in getting one.
"I do not wish to enter into a contract with the state of Florida at this time," Szoradi told the Pasco sheriff's deputy who pulled him over on U.S. 19.
...Szoradi provided a laminated card that said "United States Constitutional Right to Travel," as well as a white card with the sedan's VIN number, issued by the "Kingdom of Heaven," according to a Pasco County Sheriff's Office report.
(Thanks to ubetcha)