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October 31, 2012

NOT OUR MOUTH, IT WON'T

Dung Spitting Competition Will Leave a Bad Taste in Your Mouth

(Thanks to Ralph)

UNCLEAR ON THE CONCEPT

Darren Aronofsky's Noah Delayed Due to Flooding

(Thanks to padraig)

SOMEBODY IS GOING TO BE SLEEPING ON THE SOFA

Senator's son accidentally shoots wife in buttocks

(Thanks to Craig Roberts)

ON THE WAY TO FLORIDA, NO DOUBT

Speeding cyclist found naked with underpants on head

(Thanks to Unholy Slacker)

IS OUR COLLEGE STUDENTS LEARNING?

Brown Student Remains Unconvinced There Was a Hurricane

(Thanks to jon harris)

MONEIGH

Justin the painting horse.

(Thanks to jon harris)

THERE IS NOTHING LEFT TO BELIEVE IN

Will Snooki & Her Baby Daddy Make It Down The Aisle? New Report Says They're Only Together For Fame!

(Thanks to jon harris)

SPEAKING OF UNIQUE HOLIDAY GIFT IDEAS

Winnipeg Blue Bombers stadium sale includes urinal trough

(Thanks to The Perts)

WE GOT THIS TOO LATE TO INCLUDE IN THIS YEAR'S HOLIDAY GIFT GUIDE

But you need to be aware of it.

(Thanks to Jen Picciano)

October 30, 2012

EUROPEAN LEADER OF THE WEEK

Unfortunately our strict policy prohibits us from presenting the European Leader of the Week.

(Thanks to Unholy Slacker)

BE ON THE LOOKOUT

80,000 Pounds of Walnuts Stolen

(Thanks to bonmot, Bill Moore, Greg Snow, Jeffrey Brown and skshowa, all of whom suspect the squirrels)

BUSINESS UPDATE, II

Dong Drops

(Thanks to Unholy Slacker)

BUSINESS UPDATE

Symphony confirms rump placing

(Thanks to Unholy Slacker)

THEY CAN GET OUT OF HAND

Woman requests legal injuction for a penis

(Thanks to Matt Filar)

Dave and Judi,

I am an instructor for the University of South Florida's Computer Science and Engineering Department. On my quizzes, I give extra credit questions for my students that allow them to have fun and serve as a one-point protection against silly mistakes, so they feel less nervous. I think you two would appreciate the question I gave last week. I attached some of the more clever responses.

You have awakened to a world where squirrels have become the dominant species on Earth. They are the same size and strength as your normal squirrel, yet everyone you know seems to believe it is their moral obligation and duty to be at the beck and call of any and all squirrels. Humans and squirrels can communicate, but part of modern human equation is Squirrel Language. People dedicate their lives to serving squirrels (Squirrel Studies is considered a more desirable major than Engineering, unless your Engineering discipline is used to help the needs of suffering squirrels), and harming a squirrel is considered the highest crime a human can commit. As you've probably guessed, these squirrels are not benevolent rulers. They take full advantage of the servitude of humans, and their treatment of humans outrages you.

You are the only person who knows the ways of old. What do you do?

- Matt Morrison

Best Answer: "TODAY WE FIGHT!"

SOUTH FLORIDA:

A scary, scary place.

WE CERTAINLY TRY

Do Intelligent People Drink More Alcohol?

(Thanks to Dad-O-Lot)

CSI: ICELAND

Police in SuĂ°urnes were, for possibly the first time in the history of the region, called out to break up a party being held by cats.

(Thanks to jon harris)

FLORIDA YOUTH FOOTBALL

We take it seriously.

BUT NOW IT GOES RIGHT PAST A TROLL

Bike Path to Avoid Elf Home

(Thanks to Ralph)

THIS IS NOTHING COMPARED WITH COLIC

'Our baby's the devil', say Colombian parents whose child can 'walk at four weeks and breathes fire'

(Thanks to DaninTustin)

CONVENIENT

Moscow police have discovered a brothel on the premises of a monastery whose abbot is thought to be President Vladimir Putin's spiritual adviser.

(Thanks to DaninTustin)

A THREAD FOR BLOG FOLKS IN THE NORTHEAST

Let us know how you're doing.

October 29, 2012

PUMPING FILLER *WHERE?*

LA's "latest lunchtime craze", the G-Shot involves pumping filler into a woman's (oft debated) G-Spot to increase its size, making orgasm easier to reach and more intense.

(Thanks to Allen at Division)

MEANWHILE IN SPORTS

In Japan - where else? - they have invented a toilet capable of saving shots from former Japanese international striker Tatsuhiko Kubo.

(Thanks to Unholy Slacker)

BULLETIN BULLETIN BULLETIN

Peaches Geldof's dog is scared of his own farts.

(Thanks to Unholy Slacker)

THEY'RE AN EXCITABLE GROUP

Why penis worm anuses are getting evolutionary biologists all hot and bothered

(Thanks to Jeffrey Brown and Unholy Slacker)

TOTALLY PLAUSIBLE

A suspect found inside a Les Schwab Tire store in Spokane Valley after an alarm went off told deputies it was neither his groin nor his meth found in his groin area they recovered after arresting him Wednesday.

(Thanks to Dave Hall)

SANDY UPDATE

Hurricane Storm Surge May Flood New York With Toxic Poo

(Thanks to Jeffrey Brown)

SANDY UPDATE

NYC is on high alert.

(Thanks to Peter Metrino, who stresses the importance of not making fun of the tweeter's name)

THIS MIGHT ALSO EXPLAIN WHY ZOMBIES TEND TO BE SVELTE

Watching a horror film could burn off a whole bar of chocolate, according to new research released today.

(Thanks to Ralph)

We saw the Svelte Zombies open for the original Zombies.

THIS WEEK'S BOOK CLUB SELECTION

Unfortunately our strict policy prohibits us from presenting This Week's Book Club Selection.

(Thanks to Unholy Slacker)

USUALLY THIS CONDITION IS DETECTED IN THE EARLIER GRADES

When Swedish sixth grader Tilde Nörgaard opened her recently-delivered school class photo album, she was shocked to discover her picture showed her with one eye too many.

43702

(Thanks to The Perts)

WE'RE GONNA NEED MORE HANDCUFFS

Man throws spider at police officer

(Thanks to Dan Gray)

RIGHT ON

Power to the Phuket people

(Thanks to Unholy Slacker)

TO THOSE IN THE PATH OF SANDY

Good luck. We hope you're prepared.

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October 28, 2012

IS THERE A PROBLEM, OFFICER?

Drunk Swede runs over cop in Segway getaway

(Thanks to Joe in Japan)

WE HOPE THEY AT LEAST PUT A CONDOM ON IT

Firefighters came to the rescue after a squirrel burying his nuts managed to get his head stuck in a manhole cover.

Squirrel_rescue__europics

(Thanks to David Shelton)

THAT'S WHEN YOU NEED IT THE MOST

Robber keeps drinking beer after police catch him

(Thanks to Craig Roberts)

ADVISORY TO MOTORISTS IN THE PACIFIC NORTHWEST:

 Take air freshener.

121026_fish_guts_spilled_660

(Thanks to Craig Roberts)

MAYBE HE COULD MAKE THE TAXI SQUAD

A 19-year-old continues to recover after what Palm Bay police described as a botched attempt to jump over a moving car for a video showing his athletic prowess to potential football recruiters.

(Thanks to Robert Mathis, who notes, "Because coillege football recruiters always look for players that can jump over cars, just in case.")

REALLY SMALL CONDOMS

To halt the growth, birth control is the best option. But no squirrel is willing to take a daily pill, and no IUD is small enough. So how do you put a squirrel on birth control?

(Thanks to Omniskeptic)

EDUCATION

Mississippi School Charged With Arresting Kids For Flatulence

(Thanks to Unholy Slacker, who says "had they done that at my school, I'd have gotten a life sentence.")

October 27, 2012

HALLOWEEN ADVISORY

Be careful out there.

(Thanks to many people)

AND IF THAT DOESN'T WORK: WATER BALLOONS

Deflecting Incoming Asteroids with Paintballs

(Thanks to Jay Brandes)

WHO SAYS ROMANCE IS DEAD?

Not this blog.

(Thanks to Matt Filar)

THIS ALSO WORKS FOR YOUR FEDERAL INCOME TAX

A man in Russia said he won't pay a traffic fine because the upcoming end of the world in December makes the payment senseless.

(Thanks to Ralph)

AND YOU KNOW WHERE IT CAME FROM

Rare, enormous gas storm detected on Saturn

(Thanks to jon harris)

October 26, 2012

CANADA: COMPLETELY OUT OF CONTROL

Vancouver vegetable magnate barred from his own hot tub after noise complaints reach B.C. Supreme Court

Yes, "vegetable magnate."

(Thanks to The Perts)

SOUNDS LEGIT TO THIS BLOG

Attila Szoradi didn't have a Florida driver's license and wasn't interested in getting one.

"I do not wish to enter into a contract with the state of Florida at this time," Szoradi told the Pasco sheriff's deputy who pulled him over on U.S. 19.

...Szoradi provided a laminated card that said "United States Constitutional Right to Travel," as well as a white card with the sedan's VIN number, issued by the "Kingdom of Heaven," according to a Pasco County Sheriff's Office report.

(Thanks to ubetcha)

 
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