Dave Barry's Blog

'NOT MUCH. WHAT'S UP WITH YOU?'

One in three busy Brits believe it’s acceptable to answer a mobile phone call during sex, it has been revealed.

(Thanks to Ralph)

NO THANKS!

Meet the teenage girl who has transformed herself into a living cartoon character

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

WE WOULD HAVE MOVED

Footwear designer Chen Mingzhi took two months to meet his neighbour's challenge to create a big shoe.

(Thanks to Bill Moore)

NOT DISTURBING AT ALL!

Have you ever wondered what your bathroom might look like if a psycho killer went bananas in your shower?  I have!

(Thanks to nursecindy)

'A DASTARDLY DEFECATING DESPERADO'

Bowel movement burglaries raise stink in PSL

(Thanks to Ralph)

MEANWHILE IN THE UNSPEAKABLE HELL THAT IS FLATHEAD COUNTY

4:29 p.m. A man on Poplar Drive complained that his neighbor’s three chickens habitually fly over his fence and into his yard. He hoped that this might be illegal.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

TODAY'S HYGIENE FACT:

Umar Farouk Abdulmutallab may have failed to blow up an airliner on Christmas Day 2009 because he didn't change his underwear.

(Thanks to Unholy Slacker)

ATTENTION, PEOPLE WITH TOO MUCH MONEY:

Former Apple, NASA Engineers Make $11,111 Coffee Maker

(Thanks to jon harris)

MOO GOO BAMBI

A Chinese restaurant forced to shut its doors after getting caught with a dead deer in the kitchen.

(Thanks to Chuck Cody)

LET'S SEE HOW LONG THEY LAST ON THE ROADS OF SOUTH FLORIDA

Road rage Russian style: How motorists settle their scores with guns, bats and AXES

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

A SQUIRREL IS A SMALL ANIMAL

'Small animal' believed responsible for bullet train delays affecting 68,000 passengers

(Thanks to Joe in Japan)

HE ADVISED IT OF ITS RIGHTS, THEN TASERED IT

A police officer investigating a "suspicious bright light" at a beauty spot was embarrassed - when it turned out to be the moon.

(Thanks to Ralph)

'I'D GET OFF THE COUCH, HONEY, BUT I CARE TOO MUCH ABOUT US'

Norwegian researchers have concluded that the more work a man does in the home the higher the risk that a couple will get divorced

Advisory: Butt crackage.

(Thanks to Not My Usual Alias)

INCREDIBLY, THIS DID NOT HAPPEN IN FLORIDA

Woman was injecting heroin while driving

(Thanks to Mac Junior)

THIS IS A GREAT COUNTRY

How long does it take to afford a beer?

(Thanks to wiredog)

IT NEVER GETS OLD

How to see Uranus in a telescope this weekend

(Thanks to Pete Christensen)

HAPPY HOUR

Japan's first masturbation bar for women opens in Shibuya

(Thanks to Joe in Japan)

AND AS YOU CAN IMAGINE THE DOG IS PRETTY WASTED

A drug-sniffing dog now is the only certified member of the police force in the small eastern New Mexico town of Vaughn.

(Thanks to jon harris and Matt Filar)

WHAT'S THAT SMELL?

Giant Gas Cloud Surrounds Our Milky Way Galaxy

(Thanks to Bill Hudgins, who says "It originated in Ndew Jersey.")

SNEAK PEEK: GIFT GUIDE 2012

(Your caption here)

APPARENTLY THEY MATE FOR LIFE

New fish species found where males have four HOOKS on their genitalia

(Thanks to W.von Papineau)

DRY-ICE DISPUTE

Colorado "Frozen Dead Guy" festival to go on with or without corpse

(Thanks to Ralph)

MEANWHILE IN THE SOUTHERN HEMISPHERE

Miss Bumbum Brasil.

Advisory: Not Totally SFW.

(Thanks to Jeffrey Brown)

MIAMI POLITICAL REPORTING

It's not for the faint of heart.

The guy getting doused here is Michael Putney, an excellent journalist and good friend of this blog.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

WE'LL JUST HAVE A HEINEKEN, THANKS

Rogue Ales Creates Brew Out Of Yeast From Brewmaster John Maier's Facial Hair

(Thanks to Chuck Cody)

CARE FOR A SNACK?

No.

(Thanks to Unholy Slacker)

Vaguely related item here.

(Thanks to Joe in Japan)

IT'S COMPLICATED

Tycoon offers HK$500 million to wed 'married' daughter

(Thanks to jon harris)

MIND THE SHEARS

Gardening naked in England.

(Thanks to RussellMc)

CSI: RICHMOND

Marilyn Monroe fish statue missing from Monument Ave.

(Thanks to Bruce Lucord)

WE'RE BETTING THE CAT FETCHED THE GUN FOR HER

Investigators in Harris County, Texas, are trying to figure out what prompted a woman to shoot her husband in an argument over their cat.

(Thanks to jon harris)

'AMERICA'S GOT TALENT'

Horse tells us the impact was so intense he broke several ribs and defecated in his shorts upon impact.

(Thanks to Unholy Slacker)

NO THANKS

Meet the people branded for life with tattoos advertising websites that no longer exist

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson and W. von Papineau)

*NOW* YOU ASK

Are You Pooping Wrong?

(Thanks to Unholy Slacker, who says "I can't do anything right.")

INCREDIBLY, THIS DID NOT HAPPEN IN FLORIDA

A state prosecutor has been charged after biting a man's leg during a drunken fracas at an adult store, authorities said.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

THANKS FOR CLEARING THAT UP

Buddhist ‘Iron Man’ found by Nazis is from space

(Thanks to Chris Knight)

DAMMIT CHLOE, I NEED VANILLA EXTRACT *NOW*

Jack Bauer Bakes the Hell Out of Cupcakes

(Thanks to Jim Morris)

WE THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME

A toilet you can wear while you sleep

(Thanks to Joe in Japan)

BRILLIANT

A Phoenix man dressed his nephew in a sheet and sent him into a busy street with a fake grenade launcher, filming the masked teenager pointing the weapon at passing cars to see how long it took police to respond, authorities said.

(Thanks to Joe in Japan, who asks, "What could possibly go wrong?")

SPEAKING OF LOWER

A South Korean man, upset by women whose footwear made them taller than him, has been arrested for stealing high-heeled shoes and dumping them in local parks, police said Wednesday.

(Thanks to Matt Filar)

THERE IS NOTHING LOWER

Bangor man accused of trading someone else's cows for a four-wheeler

CREEPING FASCISM UPDATE

Italy's highest court has ruled that telling a man he has 'no balls' as an insult is a crime punishable with a fine.

(Thanks to Jay Brandes)

THEY ALSO MAKE WONDERFUL PETS

Vampire squid are sea's garbage disposals

(Thanks to Jeffrey Brown)

'EXTRAORDINARY' IS ONE WORD FOR IT

The extraordinary look, which is created by injecting saline into the forehead, then pressing in the centre of the swollen area with a thumb, is a hit on the country's underground body modification scene.

(Thanks to Chuck Cody, Jeff Meyerson, bonmot, The Amazing Steve and Joe in Japan)

'I WAS LIKE: LET ME GUESS, THEY FOUND MY FINGERS IN A FISH'

Human finger found inside Idaho trout belongs to Wash. wakeboarder

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson, kdh, bonmot, The Perts and Mike Ester)

TERRORISM UPDATE

Flaming squirrel ignites grass fire

(Thanks to Art Kraus)

TOURIST SEASON

Pythons seen wandering Rome street

(Thanks to Ralph)

WE SAW THEM OPEN FOR THE STRAWBERRY ALARM CLOCK

Galloping Dung Beetle

(Thanks to Peter Metrinko)

GOOD NEWS! WE THINK.

Another Successful Weaner Season for AGRA

Name We Are Not Making Fun Of: Hartebeestloop Bonsmaras

(Thanks to Unholy Slacker)

NOW THEY WANT TO TAKE AWAY OUR FUNDAMENTAL HUMAN RIGHT TO VOMIT IN PUBLIC

THEME PARK TO BREATHALYSE RIDERS

(Thanks to Unholy Slacker)

THEY ALL HAVE VALID FLORIDA DRIVERS' LICENSES

'Zombie Bees' Swarm Washington State

(Thanks to Dan Barr)