Dave Barry's Blog

MEANWHILE IN (burrrppp) SPORTS

Nick Symmonds Breaks U.S. Beer Mile Record

(Thanks to J.R. Absher and Jeff Meyerson)

ESPECIALLY THE PART WHERE JACQUES ROGGE SACRIFICED A VIRGIN

Former footballer turned TV host David Icke claims the London 2012 opening ceremony was a secret Satanic ritual.

(Thanks to The Perts)

THESE DAMN GIBBONS TODAY

Helium-huffing gibbons 'sing with soprano technique'

(Thanks to Alkali Bill, Bob Brogan and Jeffrey Brown)

NATURE'S WONDROUS PAGEANT

A unique species of near-toothless rat that lives off earthworms and doesn't chew or gnaw has been seen in Indonesia.

(Thanks to RussellMc)

BETTER SAFE THAN SORRY

Rabbitohs drop hooker Luke

(Thanks to Allen at Division)

WHOA

Farmer bites cobra to death in Nepal

(Thanks to Kathleen Higgs)

AS FORETOLD IN THE OLD TESTAMENT

Israeli biblical park outfits donkeys with wi-fi

(Thanks to Joe in Japan, who says "plenty of asses have wifi already.")

FLATHEAD COUNTY: ANOTHER NAME FOR HELL

6:09 p.m. A Bigfork resident said that the Publishers Clearing House called. He doesn’t think it was really them.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

BOOK YOUR RESERVATION *NOW*

The World Carrot Museum

(Thanks to jon harris)

MEANWHILE IN SPORTS

Seven-year-old Jón Haukur Vignisson unexpectedly won the highest score among non-professionals in the annual national ram groping tournament organized by the Sheep Farming Museum in Hólmavík, the Strandir region in the West Fjords, last weekend.

(Thanks to Jeffrey Brown)

OKLAHOMA CITY: WHERE STANDARDS MATTER

Oklahoma kindergartner Cooper Barton banned from wearing University of Michigan shirt?

(Thanks to Ken in Jax)

HE WON'T GET FAR WITHOUT WD-40

Police team up to pursue 'Duct Tape Bandit'

(Thanks to funny man)

YOU DON'T WANT TO KNOW WHAT IT DOES WITH ITS EYES

Excuse me but this butterfly can see with its butt

(Thanks to Jay Brandes)

SEND IT TO WASHINGTON

The outlaw monkey of Tampa: the wildly popular, elusive mascot of the host city for the GOP convention

(Thanks to ubetcha and jon harris)

YOU WILL NEVER GUESS WHAT APPARENTLY WAS INVOLVED

Man charged after portable toilet blows up

(Thanks to Unholy Slacker)

LOOKS FINE TO US

Spanish fresco restoration botched by amateur

(Thanks to Joe in Japan)

KEY SCIENTIFIC TERM: 'BABY JUICE'

New Study Suggests Stressed Out Men Prefer Women With More “Meat On the Bones”

WHOEVER COULD HAVE FORESEEN THIS?

Jail's gardening scheme backfires as prisoners grow pot

(Thanks to jon harris)

OTHER THAN THAT, SHE DID A FINE JOB

Topless babysitter found passed out in hotel parking lot

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson, who says, "Guess the state.")

WE SAW THEM OPEN FOR THE REGULAR ANIMALS

Badly Stuffed Animals.

Story here.

(Thanks to Ralph)

HELL YES

'Hover bike' prototype thrills sci-fi fans: Would you buy one?

(Thanks to The Perts and Jeff Meyerson)

IS THERE A PROBLEM, OFFICERS?

Drunk driver pees on breath test equipment

(Thanks to Bill Moore)

DURING WHICH TIME IT WILL ACQUIRE A FLORIDA DRIVER'S LICENSE

Cockroach can survive 9 days without its head

(Thanks to William G.)

GIVE IT UP

...for the Sea Pigs.

(Thanks to Jeffrey Brown)

BEAUTY PAGEANTS: NOT FOR THE WEAK

Miss New Zealand gets shoved by Miss Malawi.

Video here.

(Thanks to Bill Moore, who says "You have to expect banging in the paint.")

PLEASE CELEBRATE RESP... HEY, PLEASE JUST CELEBRATE

August 26 Is National Go Topless Day

(Thanks to Jeffrey Brown)

INCREDIBLY, ETC.

A Hawkins County man is facing several charges including cruelty to animals for allegedly fleeing police on horseback Friday night and ramming a patrol car with his horse during the pursuit.

(Thanks to Otis Pierson)

'CHLOE, I NEED THE COORDINATES OF THE VANILLA EXTRACT NOW!'

Jack Bauer Bakes Cupcakes for Acer

(Thanks to Bryan, who says "They go straight to your thighs like a bullet.")

A FLORIDA COMMERCIAL LICENSE ETC.

Door-to-door service.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

332 FEET

Cell Phone Throwing Championship Crowns a New King

(Thanks to Jan in Grimsby)

MEANWHILE DOWN UNDER

"The Coalition of the Constipated"

(Thanks to The Perts and Jeff Meyerson)

WHOSE RIBS ARE THESE?

Jersey City health inspectors shut down fundraising BBQ at cemetery

(Thanks to Barbara A)

POTENTIAL FACEBOOK FRIEND OF THE DAY

Unfortunately our strict policy etc.

(Thanks to Suzie Q. Wacvet)

WORST IDEA IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD, AND WE INCLUDE BOTH LIGHT BEER AND SNOOKI IN THIS STATEMENT

The "face-kini."

(Thanks to Chuck Cody)

GO TO THE CRAWL-THROUGH WINDOW?

How To Buy More Beer When You're Too Drunk To Drive

(Thanks to Jeffrey Brown)

YOU WILL NEVER IN A MILLION YEARS GUESS THE STATE

Crossing guard, 89, injured by bicyclist, 92

(Thanks to B'game)

WORKS FOR US

Want to persuade Flamingos to mate? Play them Barry White and Marvin Gaye

By "works for us," we do not mean that we mate with flamingos. To the best of our recollection.

(Thanks to Jeffrey Brown)

AT LEAST UNTIL THEY WAKE UP NAKED IN AN ENTIRELY UNFAMILIAR CITY

College binge-drinkers happier than non-bingers

(Thanks to Alkali Bill, not to be confused with Bilkali Al. Also Bill Hudgins)

WHERE THE *HELL* IS THE SO-CALLED 'UNITED NATIONS HUMAN RIGHTS COUNCIL?'

Officials Ban River Race With Sex Dolls

(Thanks to Joe in Japan)

EBAY: HOME OF THE REALLY, REALLY BRAVE

eBay bans magic potions, spells and curses

(Thanks to Paul Hodges)

THIS COUNTRY IS GOING TO HECK IN A HANDBASKET

U.S. valedictorian denied high school diploma for saying ‘hell’ in speech

(Thanks to The Perts)

IT ALSO QUALIFIES THEM FOR FLORIDA DRIVERS' LICENSES

Artificial Intelligence Makes Worms More Informative

(Thanks to The Perts)

METEORITE OF THE WEEK

Unfortunately our strict policy prohibits us from presenting the Meteorite of the Week.

(Thanks to Bill Hudgins)

FIRST THEY TAKE OVER THE CONSUMER ELECTRONICS INDUSTRY, AND NOW THIS

A Chinese city has broken the world record for the largest ever bikini parade.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

THANKS, BUT WE'LL STICK WITH BEER

Urine cocktail can help fight global warming

(Thanks to Joe in Japan)

DAHL'S COLLEGE OF BEAUTY IN GREAT FALLS, MONTANA

You can't spell "beauty" without "ew."

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

WE SAW THEM OPEN FOR WHITESNAKE

Wife swap beavers shatter illusions

(Thanks to Ralph)

HARTLAND TACKLES THE ISSUES

Speed Hump Signs Removed From Hartland High School

(Thanks to Renaldo)

RESEARCH PIONEER OF THE WEEK SO FAR

A Georgia Health Sciences University lab tech was jailed this week after he was found intoxicated with his pants down in a campus locker room, a GHSU spokeswoman said Friday. Two lab monkeys were found outside their cages, authorities said.

(Thanks to Unholy Slacker)

A DAY OF NATIONAL MOURNING

43,000 pounds of beer spills on I-85

(Thanks to nursecindy)