Dave Barry's Blog

PUT YOUR HANDS TOGETHER

...for the Venezuelan Poodle Moths.

(Thanks to Sharon [The Minx] Lurie)

YOU KNOW THE SQUIRRELS WERE BEHIND THIS

Cow rescued by fire crews after getting stuck in tree

(Thanks to Allen at Division)

THERE IS NO REASON TO GO ON LIVING

MTV cancels 'Jersey Shore' after six seasons

(Thanks to Jeffrey Brown and Not My Usual Alias)

SOME THINGS ARE WORTH FIGHTING FOR

Police in Ohio said one man required medical treatment when a group of seven people at a yacht club got into a "knock-down brawl" over a portable toilet.

(Thanks to Unholy Slacker)

THEREBY QUALIFYING IT FOR A FLORIDA DRIVER'S LICENSE

Large yard blob identified as mushroom

(Thanks to Ralph)

'FASHION-CONSCIOUS' IS *ONE* WAY TO DESCRIBE THESE MEN

Fashion-conscious men have been clamouring to shell out a massive £185 on a designer brown paper bag

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

IF THIS DOESN'T GET SOLAR PANELS INSTALLED ON PORTSMOUTH HIGH, WE DON'T KNOW WHAT WILL

Josh Blake said he intends to make the Sept. 2 journey from Pirate's Cove to the Isles of Shoals, wearing an armored wetsuit and carrying a sword to protect himself from mako sharks. He is doing it, he said, to promote putting solar panels on Portsmouth High School.

(Thanks to W. von Papineau)

TERRORISM UPDATE

Squirrel invades US Open court

(Thanks to WVPlantman)

THAT WILL TEACH THEM

Texas woman aims for skunk, accidentally shoots husband

(Thanks to Bob Brogan)

TOTALLY JUSTIFIED

346-Pound Floridian Punched Pizza Deliveryman "Because He Forgot The Garlic Knots."

(Thanks to Ken in Jax and Jeff Meyerson)

FIGURES THAT IT WAS IN A PLACE NAMED 'DARWIN'

No fine for man who put firecracker up his bum at Darwin party

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

IN FACT, IT'S THE 32ND

Drunken driver from Paterson arrested after telling officer birthday is 'Feb. 31'

(Thanks to S.P. Sullivan)

THAT'S THE THANKS THEY GET

Portland police arrest 13 bearded men who were ‘trying to save boobs’

(Thanks to jon harris and Ralph)

UPDATE FROM TAMPA

Run, Charlotte. While you still can.

WE FEEL CERTAIN THIS HAS BEEN BLOGGED BEFORE

But there can never be too many posts about poop-powered motor vehicles, can there?

(Thanks to Jon Harris)

DON'T LOOK A GIFT WHALE IN THE MOUTH

Boy discovers whale vomit worth $65K.

(Thanks to Ralph K., Bob Brogan, Joel Farr, and Chuck Cody)

YET ANOTHER EPISODE OF GUESS THE STATE

Body parts found in auctioned storage unit

(Thanks to Amy Mayrhofer)

TALK LIKE A PIRATE DAY ALERT:

Ridley and I will be in NYC September 19 helping give out some free tickets to Peter and the Starcatcher. Come see us, and bring your mustache.

UPDATE FROM TAMPA:

The Dampness Down Below.

CAPTION THIS

(Thanks to Jan in Grimsby)

WHAT PRODUCTS WERE INVOLVED IN THIS "FRESHENING UP," EXACTLY?

One of the women on the bus left to change her clothes and freshen up. When she came back, her busmates didn't recognize her.
Soon, there was word of a missing passenger. The woman didn't recognize the description of herself, and joined in the search

(Thanks to Chuck Cody)

CSI: FORT WALTON BEACH

A local man was charged with battery after he allegedly swung at his brother with a Styrofoam plate.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

HOW MANY THEN MOVED INTO THEIR PARENTS' BASEMENT?

Researchers have used a video game projected into a fish tank to study the behaviour of predatory bluegill sunfish.

(Thanks to Mark Buckley)

AUCTIONS YOU WOULD RATHER NOT KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT

Number 729: Elvis' soiled undies

("Thanks" to Bill Moore and Unholy Slacker)

WHAT COULD POSSIBLY GO WRONG?

Stop & Go Shell has 30 beers on tap

(Thanks to Cheryl Howard)

TODAY'S EPISODE OF GUESS THE STATE

Man accused of calling 911 for sex with deputies

(Thanks to Unholy Slacker y otros)

MIAMI IS NOT GONNA TAKE THIS LYING DOWN

D.C. drivers are the worst in the country, report says

(Thanks to wiredog)

UPDATE FROM TAMPA

Chasing Huckabee, finding Vermin Supreme.

NEIGHBORS OF THE WEEK

"We exceeded the noise pollution to the point we were arrested and taken out of our house and told we couldn't have sex," she said.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

UPDATE FROM TAMPA

The Gop gets wild and crazy.

AND REALLY, WHO AMONG US HASN'T DONE THIS WHEN FACED WITH AN IMPORTANT DECISION REGARDING SEXTING AND GUNPLAY?

Shaken, he said he smoked marijuana and talked to his cats for about 20 minutes to calm himself and "reason out a plan."

(Thanks to Ralph K.)

SNOOKI UPDATE

"The world just got another Guido!!"

(Thanks to People Who Shall Not Be Named)

THE FACE-KINI

The gift that is sure to offend and protect.

(Thanks to Paul Perrone)

UPDATE: We knew we had seen it somewhere. Please do not tell The Blog.

WHEN YOU'RE TALKING A STORM SYSTEM OF EXCITEMENT...

...you're talking Tampa.

WISCONSIN SOCIAL NOTE

Man convicted of molesting a dead deer and shooting horse to have sex with it 'assaulted female cop after shoplifting from Walmart'

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

DINING OUT IN WICHITA

Cunningham said she and others at her table, which included three children, could see what the chef at the next table was preparing: He formed fried rice into a large version of a male’s sexual anatomy, then splashed drops of oil onto the grill to embellish his creation.

(Thanks to GonzoJhawk)

LADIES: HE COULD BE SINGLE!

Swedish police said they are searching for a man whose fascination with garbage leads him to hide in refuse trucks and film trash collectors at work.

(Thanks to Ralph)

WE SAW THEM OPEN FOR EACH OTHER

Glowing South American Roaches Mimic Toxic Beetles

(Thanks to Jay Brandes)

SPEAKING OF PIGS:

This is not weird at all!

(Thanks to RussellMc)

HOW ARE WE, AS A NATION, SUPPOSED TO GO ON?

Honey Boo Boo forced to give up beloved pet pig Glitzy

(Thanks to Jeffrey Brown)

SPORTS UPDATE

Sharks searching for a hooker

(Thanks to Jeffrey Brown)

SOUNDS TO US AS IF *SOMEBODY* OVERDID THE AMBIEN

A Frenchwoman who flew from Pakistan, slept through her arrival at Paris and then flew back to Lahore, has finally arrived back in the French capital.

(Thanks to Mark Buckey and Jeffrey Brown)

WAIT... WHAT KIND OF TOILET REQUIRES A PASSWORD?

Many Americans would rather scrub toilet than create new password

(Thanks to Unholy Slacker)

IF YOU SAY SO

Semen: Nature's antidepressant?

(Thanks to jon harris)

(Note: And thanks also to the approximately 3000 people who sent this in while The Blog was in London, but since the s.b. declined to post this item, did not get mentioned.)

AND THEY'RE NOT TALKING ABOUT WIRETAPS

Bug-Infested Witness Shuts Down Detroit Court Room

(Thanks to Unholy Slacker)

MORNING STOCK REPORT

Unfortunately our strict policy prohibits us from bringing you the Morning Stock Report.

(Thanks to Poker)

NEWS YOU CAN USE

Graduate student Nicole Munoz and biology professor Andrew Zink have discovered that small male earwigs with severely curved right claws win more fights, indicating an evolutionary advantage in asymmetry, probably inspired by the sexual preferences of the females.

(Thanks to Jay Brandes)

HE IS WELCOME ON THE STREETS OF SOUTH FLORIDA

Cops nab alleged boozer on a motorized picnic table

(Thanks to Ralph)

THIS IS WHY YOU SHOULD ALWAYS HAVE A TWO-MONTH SUPPLY STOCKPILED

Drought Blamed for Cow Chip Shortage

(Thanks to Art Kraus)

WHATEVER HAPPENED TO JUST ORDERING A PIZZA?

Brazilian Artist Uses Pot to Create Smokin’ Art

(Thanks to Jeffrey Brown)