Dave Barry's Blog

NO NEED TO GUESS THE STATE

Palm Bay man claiming to be Jesus held in crowbar attack

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

AND THEN YOU CAN USE IT TO PUT THE FIRE OUT!

How to Light a Fire With Your Pee!

(Thanks to Gregg in Austin)

AND STAY OFF HER LAWN

Woman, 80, lobs mangoes and apples to oust robbers from New Bedford store

(Thanks to Jerald Nichols)

UPDATE: TE PUKE HIGH

Peter Metrinko forwarded this email from his New Zealand friend Jane Smith, regarding the item that (because of our strict policy) we were unable to post concerning Te Puke High School:

Haha! I know, to us westerners it's rather unfortunate name. It's actually pronounced teh-pook-eh meaning a 'hill' (similarly that place in Thailand called Phuket - no, stop it Peter, it's pronounced Poo-ket) What can I say?...it's Maori. If you think that's bad there's a place not far from here called Waipu (why indeed?) I think there's also one in Hawaii. Then there's Titirangi (my grown son still sniggers at that one!) If I also tell you that 'wh' is pronounced 'f' in the Maori language then 'Whakapapa' is not a place name you want to say too loudly ;-) I could go on, but to sum up, there is also Waikikamukau, that's pronounced as it's spelt...'Why kick a moo-cow'! It's actually just a generic name for any small rural locality (out in the sticks), and funnier to use than to try and distinguish between one of the oh so many similar sounding names (it gets so confusing).

TIME FOR BACK-TO-CAVE SHOPPING

People inside of the Pittsburgh Mills mall were evacuated Saturday night after a bear was spotted inside the Sears store.

(Thanks to Ralph)

UH-OH

Flathead Brewery Announces Expansion

(Thanks to Bill Turner)

SHE *IS* HOT

Statue of Liberty gave me orgasm

(Thanks to Unholy Slacker)

'UNLEASH THE POWER WITHIN'

21 Burned at Tony Robbins Firewalking Event

(Thanks to Randy Johnson)

ATTENTION, NOBEL PRIZE JUDGES

At last, we know how many rubber bands it takes to make a watermelon explode.

(Thanks to jon harris)

NEXT: SNOOKI

A bacterium that in humans can cause genital pain, itching, and a burning sensation while urinating has become the subject of the first-ever complete software simulation of an entire organism, the New York Times reports.

(Thanks to Sharon [The Minx] Lurie)

HIGH SCHOOL OF THE WEEK

Unfortunately, our strict policy prohibits us from presenting the High School of the Week.

(Thanks to Chuck Cody)

SPEAKING OF SPACE: WE DON'T NEED TO GO THERE, BECAUSE WE CAN VISIT FLATHEAD COUNTY

8:55 a.m. Someone called 911 to complained about a recliner that was inappropriately displayed in the middle of Highway 93 North.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

URANUS?

What Does Space Smell Like?

(Thanks to The Perts)

FAR OUTPACING THE STOCK MARKET

Prince Charles' 31-year-old uneaten wedding day toast sells for £230

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson, who says, "As tasty as the day it was made.")

THE PEOPLE'S REPUBLIC

The Guilin Merryland Theme Park, located in the southern Chinese city of Guilin, is offering half-price admission to female visitors, if they sport a skirt shorter than 38 centimeters, the Shanghai Daily reported.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

YET ANOTHER ARGUMENT AGAINST NATURE

Here's a really big worm.

(Thanks to Ralph)

IT NOW READS 'GAZOMBAS'

Microsoft has swiftly fixed an embarrassing gaffe which saw a chunk of code labelled "big boobs".

(Thanks to Craig Roberts)

A REASON TO GO ON LIVING

Spice Girls (including a reluctant Victoria Beckham) are '95 per cent' confirmed to perform at Olympics closing ceremony

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

HAS ANYBODY SEEN CHARLIE SHEEN LATELY?

Wildlife officials probe bizarre photos of person dressed in GOAT suit trying to get close to animals on Utah mountainside

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson and Doug Ensign)

'IT CERTAINLY PUT ME OFF MY TOAST'

William Evans, 10, finds dead lizard on loaf of bread from Tesco

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

OR YOU COULD JUST GET A DOG

A new messaging device, dubbed Kissenger, lets users send kisses wirelessly to one another.

(Thanks to Matt Filar, who says, "Wonder what's next?"Also thanks to Ralph.)

DUDE

After bailing an Anchorage man out of jail in Palmer, four Anchorage residents kidnapped the man and demanded marijuana they said he'd stolen, Alaska State Troopers said.

(Thanks to Marguerite Floyd)

WE CERTAINLY HOPE SO

As record 150,000 condoms are handed out to a host of super-attractive athletes, could London 2012 be the raunchiest games ever?

(Thanks to Jeffrey Brown)

HE WON'T GET FAR WITHOUT A LOT OF DEODORANT

Porta potty bomber on loose in Issaquah

(Thanks to Jay Brandes)

WE SAW THEM OPEN FOR THE SEX PISTOLS

(Thanks to Make It Rain)

UNCLEAR ON THE CONCEPT

A Georgia woman has been charged with misusing the 911 system after she called police dispatchers to register a complaint about the quality of a mug shot taken following a prior arrest.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

CELEBRITY GLAMOR UPDATE

"We got closer all thanks to farting."

(Thanks to Unholy Slacker)

OOPS

Initially she was delighted with how it looked and it was only when she sent a photo of the tattoo to a friend that the spelling mistake was pointed out.

(Thanks to Jan in Grimsby)

'WHAT'S THAT YOU'RE WEARING?'

Moss Sex Driven By Scent

(Thanks to Jeffrey Brown)

SPANGING THE WOLLYNACKER

An Olympic preview.

TOTALLY WORTH IT

A 34-year-old man was taken to a hospital after jumping out of a moving car early Tuesday morning because he couldn't stand bickering with his girlfriend any longer.

(Thanks to Unholy Slacker)

THEY WON'T GET FAR ON FOOT

Turtles flee farm in Chattooga County

(Thanks to Bill Hudgins)

YOU WILL ENJOY THESE NOODLES, OR IT WILL DESTROY YOU

A new noodle restaurant in China has captured diners' attention by employing a noodle-making robot.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

CSI: BAVARIA

Police nail screw thief

(Thanks to The Perts)

AND JOAN RIVERS WANTS THEM BACK

600-year-old linen bras found in Austrian castle

(Thanks to many people)

IT WAS ASKING FOR IT

Police in central Bergen arrested a man on Tuesday morning after he attacked his own reflection in a window.

(Thanks to Not My Usual Alias)

FIRST YOU LOB A GRENADE AT PRINCE CHARMING

What are the optimal siege tactics for taking Magic Kingdom's Cinderella Castle?

(Thanks to jon harris)

ATTENTION, NOBEL PRIZE JUDGES

If There Was Ever a Smarter Way to Hide Booze in Your Crotch, This Might Be It

(Thanks to Robert Shaw)

BULLETIN BULLETIN BULLETIN

Meet Total Recall's new three-breasted woman!

(Thanks to Allen at Division)

IT'S CALLED 'BLOGGING'

People Who Are Constantly Online Can Develop Mental Disorders

(Thanks to coscolo)

'HAS ANYBODY SEEN KENDALL LATELY?'

Teen Ejected From Car, Others In Car Unaware

(Thanks to Chuck Cody)

WE'RE GUESSING HER PARENTS ARE MIGHTY PROUD

Panhandler wants $$$ for new boobs

(Thanks to Bob Brogan)

SOON TO BE A MAJOR MOTION PICTURE

Short sex-filled life of an Australian dumpling squid

(Thanks to The Perts)

HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO GO ON LIVING?

Anthony Weiner: Not running for office - for now

(Thanks to Allen at Division and Bill Moore)

COLD

Man shoots his own genitals, goes to jail

(Thanks to Bob Brogan and Marc)

THOSE TERRORIST BASTARDS

Now they're using crows.

(Thanks to jon harris)

WE'RE GUESSING IT'S LAWSUIT TIME

Woman Flips Over After Trying To Ride Motorized Scooter Up MBTA Escalator

(Thanks to Chuck Cody)

WE FEEL SO MUCH SAFER

Two Seattle men say they spent more than two hours in a detention center at the Canadian border after U.S. border agents discovered illegal chocolate eggs in their car.

(Thanks to Jerald Nichols and Jan in Grimsby)

'YOU LOOK LIKE YOU STOLE A MIDGET'S PANTS!'

Dad yells at son for wearing skinny jeans.

(Thanks to Jeffrey Brown)

'HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BUY LIGHT BEER, JUDGE.'

A young Heidelberg Township man on Monday admitted knocking out a friend at a house party in January after the victim, who suffered a skull fracture and brain bleeding, arrived with the wrong kind of beer.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)