Dave Barry's Blog

LONDON UPDATE: WHAT WE ARE

OLYMPIC REPORT

Let's catch team handball fever.

ASK AND YE SHALL RECEIVE

Ohio woman attempts to break into jail; demands to be arrested

(Thanks to Bob Brogan, who failed to add that alcohol was involved. He did, however, also send in this related news item.)

NEWS ALERT FROM CRYSTAL SPRINGS

They are pretty good at burying people in the correct location.

(Thanks to Olo Baggins of Bywater)

CSI: TEHRAN

Non-invisible bank robber caught

(Thanks to Samuel Sprague)

OLYMPIC UPDATE

In most countries, you would get arrested for exposing yourself like this.

OLYMPIC REPORT:

The ancient traditional British sport of beach volleyball.

SCIENCE BREAKTHROUGH OF THE DAY

Alcohol/energy drinks linked to casual sex

(Thanks to Allen at Division)

KIMKIERKEKAARDASHIAN

The philosophy of Søren Kierkegaard mashed with the tweets and observations of Kim Kardashian.

(Thanks to Kristan Jensen)

ATTENTION, MEN WHO FEEL COMPELLED TO SET FIRE TO THINGS IN THEIR BUTTULAR REGIONS

Do you not have the internet?

(Thanks to Stu Owers, Ross Marks, and jon harris)

SHEEP SEX REPORT

The suspect remains on the lam.

(Thanks to Matt Filar)

THIS EXPLAINS A LOT

Poop-throwing... is actually a sign of high intelligence.

(Thanks to Chuck Cody)

LONDON UPDATE

There is security everywhere.

I'm glad about the security, because there are some mysterious people around.

Also some Miami drivers.

OLYMPIC SECURITY ALERT

I photographed this squirrel within yards of Number 10 Downing Street. At least I think it was Number 10 Downing Street. It was definitely a serious-looking building. But never mind what specific building it was. The point is, this squirrel was within yards of it. YARDS, people.

OLYMPICS ROAD-RACE CYCLING

Here's my report, based on several seconds of watching the racers pedal away from the starting line.

FIFTY SHADES OF OUTRAGE

Dare to be... an independent business in the UK?

(Thanks to The Perts)

THAT'S THE TICKET

China cops mistake sex toy for body of a woman

(Thanks to jon harris)

Vaguely related EEEK

(Thanks to Ralph K.)

FAMILY VALUES OUT THE WAZOO

Strip Clubs in Tampa Are Ready to Cash In on G.O.P. Convention

(Thanks to jon harris)

THE GOBLIN DEFENSE

A 62-YEAR-OLD Gokwe man has come out in the open and claimed ownership of a goblin which has been terrorising women in his village by taking off their panties at night while they were asleep.

(Thanks to Bill Rominger)

STRICT POLICY UPDATE

We definitely cannot post any items like this one, so please don't bother sending them in.

(Thanks to Peter Metrinko)

TIME-TRAVEL OLYMPIC UPDATE

Here's a what happened in the opening ceremonies, which technically have not yet taken place.

ATTENTION, BLOGLADIES OF NEW YORK

An Upper West Side grocery store yesterday launched the city’s first “man aisle” — a portion of the store dedicated to facilitate a dude’s otherwise-arduous trip to the grocery store by putting everything in one convenient location — from condoms to steak sauce.

(Thanks to Janice Gelb)

FLATHEAD COUNTY TERROR UPDATE

10:46 p.m. Kids in West Glacier were reportedly “hootin’ and a hollerin.’”

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

OH S$*(&$(%(*$!!!I*_)*($

Good thing this isn't what anybody would call a "career."

(Thanks to The Perts)

LONDON GLAMOUR REPORT

You would not believe the celebrities I have been hanging out with.

(Photos by Miss Sophie Barry)

OLYMPIC UPDATE

WYOMING TOURISM UPDATE

I did not ever want to see that man's butt again, so I made a point of stopping and driving straight through Riverton.

(Thanks to Unholy Slacker) 

ASTONISHINGLY, ALCOHOL WAS INVOLVED

Naked key hunt lands groom-to-be in jail

(Thanks to Not My Usual Alias)

Also: Bet led man to set head on fire

(Thanks to Jon Harris)

A PERSONALIZED REMINDER FOR YOUR SURVIVORS THAT YOU WERE KIND OF CREEPY

Personalized Cremation Urns

(Thanks to Chuck Cody)

LODNON 2102 OIMPLYCS

Britons play silly buggers with Olympic brand police

(Thanks to The Perts)

EEEEK

A Canadian man accidentally shot himself in the forehead while trying to kill a mouse with the butt of his rifle.

(Thanks to The Perts, Ralph K., and Jeff Meyerson)

OLYMPIC MOMENT

I was coming out of the hotel restaurant after breakfast this morning, and there, by the cashier, was a guy holding an Olympic torch. His name is Gilles Goasdue, and he had just participated in the torch relay.

(Photo by Miss Sophie Barry)

HOW TO FIND YOUR WAY AROUND LONDON

I have no idea.

LONDON UPDATE

LAWN PAINTING

Alert reader Jimpy points out that The Blog was ahead of his time when he wrote about this.

DEPENDS ON YOUR DEFINITION

19 hats that will not get a dude laid

(Thanks to John Gregg)

WE BET

From Korea, for those who like to ride horses in front of their TV and in the comfort of their own home. For all family members, this home mechanical equestrian system will meet all the family's needs.

(Thanks to jon harris)

SUPERSIZE ME

The researchers said this is one of very few studies to show that copulating animals are at a higher risk of being eaten by predators.

(Thanks to Bill Hudgins)

NEXT-DOOR NEIGHBOR OF THE YEAR AWARD

Thirty six venomous snakes seized from a west Omaha home last week...

(Thanks to funny man, who asks "Why does it always have to be snakes?")

WE ARE MOST SINCERELY SORRY

...for not blogging yesterday. We were traveling.

OLYMPIC UPDATE

I regret to report that London, after decades being the butt (Har!) of jokes about public-toilet quality, has definitely surpassed the USA. Here's the Russell Square Scarily Advanced High Tech Automatic Toilet. It cost 20p (Har!). When you put your money in, the door on the right opens Star-Trek-style, and you go in there, and when you're done all kinds of automatic flushing and handwashing and drying and generally cleansing things automatically occur. It is the size of a small apartment.

I availed myself and was deeply impressed. Here I am at the Control Panel.

 

(Photos by Miss Sophie Barry)

OFF TO LONDON

For the next three weeks I'll be in London, writing columns and of course trying out for the U.S. Olympic team. So blogging from me will be sporadic and mostly Olympics-related. I'm hoping Judi will pick up the slack here, although she's pretty busy.

CSI: DEFUNIAK SPRINGS

A man who stopped by the side of the road to have a bowel movement was arrested on multiple charges, including grand theft auto.

(Thanks to Unholy Slacker)

MEANWHILE DOWN UNDER

Alleged SA poo throwers charged

(Thanks to Unholy Slacker, who saw them open for the Foo Fighters)

NO ARGUMENT HERE

Dave Barry – unfair and wrong

JUST WHAT WE NEED

Jellyrat: 'We took a rat apart and rebuilt it as a jellyfish'

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

WE'RE ASSUMING THIS WAS NOT LIGHT BEER

A man wielding a chainsaw allegedly cut through a front door, then a pole causing a veranda to collapse before chopping a takeaway sign in half during a dispute over a box of beers.

(Thanks to Bill Moore)

BE SAFE *AND* FASHIONABLE

Personal EMF Shielding Devices

(Thanks to The Perts)

WHERE THE *HELL* IS THE UNITED NATIONS?

Solway Firth cockle gangs are 'out of control'

(Thanks to Tim Simpson)

SIDE EFFECT

Software engineer claims generic version of Propecia turned him into a woman

(Thanks to Jenny Kellner)