Dave Barry's Blog

ARE THEY STILL FILMING RENO 911?

A 32-year-old man was jailed after Reno police said he robbed a neighbor at gunpoint of $1 while wearing a sombrero.

(Thanks to Alkali Bill)

JESUS SIGHTINGS UPDATE

Now: A Chinese takeout restaurant.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

AND WE NEED TO KNOW THIS BECAUSE...

Doctors in the Indian city of Mumbai have extracted a 12.5cm-long live worm from a patient's eye.

(Thanks to Joe in Japan)

WE NEED TO OUTLAW NATURE ALTOGETHER

Bone-eating 'zombie' worms drill with acid

(Thanks to Joe in Japan)

ENDANGERED MONKEY OF THE WEEK SO FAR

Unfortunately our strict policy prohibits us from presenting the Endangered Monkey of the Week So Far.

(Thanks to Jeffrey Brown)

THEY WERE RELEASED AFTER PRODUCING VALID FLORIDA DRIVERS' LICENSES

Naked 'witches' say they flew on magical basket

(Thanks to Ralph)

THE SPIRIT OF SOPHIE

It's spreading.

(Thanks to Sue Jenkins)

TIME FOR AN INTERNATIONAL AID CONCERT STARRING, AT MINIMUM, BONO

Man Plagued by Porn-Induced Headaches

(Thanks to Jenny Kellner and Joe in Japan)

YOU FIRST

Why You Should Spiral-Cut Your Wiener

(Thanks to jon harris)

WE'RE SURE SHE'S DEEPLY HONORED

Yorkshireman, 39, has 15 Miley Cyrus tattoos inked across his body to pay tribute to teenage singer 'for helping him through divorce'

(Thanks to Chris Elzi)

WEATHER ADVISORY

Stay indoors.

(Thanks to jon harris)

WELL THEN, THAT MAKES SENSE

In actual fact, the women apparently shot each other over shrimp.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

WE SAW ALL THREE OF THEM OPEN FOR HENDRIX

Puking penalty. Vomit violation. Upchuck charge.

(Thanks to Unholy Slacker)

IF THAT DOESN'T WIN HER BACK, WE DON'T etc.

Penn also allegedly defecated on the woman's bed.

(Thanks to Unholy Slacker, who notes that this is the same city where this happened)

CELEBRITY GLAMOR UPDATE

Tom Cruise Comes Up With 'Bird Poo' Skin Treatment

(Thanks to Chuck Cody)

BUT WAIT, THERE'S MO.... NEVER MIND

Ginsu Knife Pitch Co-Creator, Barry Becher, Dies

(Thanks to jon harris)

WHEN THE ALIENS COME TO WIPE OUT HUMANITY, THEY WILL START WITH FLATHEAD COUNTY

3:44 p.m. A man called 911 from an Evergreen shop to report that he just had his oil changed but the “computer in his car” tells him that it had not been done.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

MIAMI:

A town that keeps its word.

Advisory: Perhaps not totally SFW.

(Thanks to ScottMGS)

WE'VE ASKED OURSELVES THIS QUESTION A THOUSAND TIMES

What Can We Learn From Mennonites' Pee Samples?

(Thanks to Jeffrey Brown)

GUESS THE STATE

Sesame Street strip club to serve liquor

(Thanks to Unholy Slacker)

SHREWD CAREER MOVE

Shatner drops pants at L.A. airport

(Thanks to Ralph)

TOTALLY PLAUSIBLE

Insane West Virginia Lawsuits Claim Kim Kardashian Made a Sex Tape With a Unicorn, Is an Al Qaeda Operative

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

THAT SHOULD DO IT

Michigan adds talking urinal cakes to DUI fight

(Thanks to Chris Lawson, Unholy Slacker and Ralph)

We saw Talking Urinal Cakes open for Phish.

 

 

FRANCE ON HIGH ALERT

Governor General's guard falls during parade, stabs himself with bayonet

(Thanks to W. von Papineau)

COSTA RICA TRAFFIC REPORT

The Mother of All Potholes.

(Thankls to WVPlantman)

This blog has ridden the roads of Costa Rica, which are basically networks of potholes loosely connected by roadway.

MODERN MANNERS

"She would have never gotten the sandwich thrown at her if she would have just been polite about the matter."

(Thanks to Chuck Cody)

THOSE TERRORIST BASTARDS

Discarded toilet set afire in driveway

(Thanks to Unholy Slacker)

SEND HER TO WASHINGTON

Southern Monroe resident Earlene Bryant has promised the Monroe City Council she will show up nude at the next City Council meeting.

(Thanks to Unholy Slacker)

THIS HAS BECOME ALL TOO COMMON

Truck carrying 2,000 mice stolen in Missouri by heroin addicts

(Thanks to Mark Newsom)

HUMANITY IS DOOMED

Rock, Paper, Scissors Robot Cheats, Wins Every Time

(Thanks to Bill Hudgins and Skip Franklin)

YOU MAY NOW ADMINISTER ARTIFICIAL RESPIRATION TO THE BRIDE

A bride, groom and their entire wedding party fell into Gun Lake after the dock on which they were having photos taken gave way.

(Thanks to Jeffrey Brown)

IT'S ALSO A BIG FAN OF 'THE VIEW'

A team of scientists at Google created a "brain" that taught itself to recognize cats by watching millions of YouTube videos.

(Thanks to The Perts)

POSSIBLY EVEN MORE EXCITING THAN GOLF

Russian Egg Roulette.

(Thanks to Marta "Mike'sDaughter" Zlotnick)

GOLF:

It's simple, once somebody explains it.

(Thanks to Claire Martin)

WE CERTAINLY DO NOT SEE THIS AS HUMOROUS

Elite secret agents sent to protect France’s new president Francois Hollande at a major overseas meeting forgot to pack their guns, it has emerged.

(Thanks to Emily, Leslie & W)

INSURANCE PROFESSIONAL OF THE WEEK SO FAR

Unfortunately our strict policy prohibits us from presenting the Insurance Professional of the Week So Far.

(Thanks to Unholy Slacker)

MICHIGAN SOCIAL NOTE

Man assaulted with frying pan after woman lights fireworks inside Flint apartment

(Thanks to Jimmy Madigan)

POINTING THE WAY TO ECONOMIC RECOVERY

Rise of the ‘Breastaurants’: Hooters-like eateries featuring busty women in skimpy tops enjoying booming business

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

NICEVILLE: THE FLATHEAD COUNTY OF FLORIDA

Man calls police to say there's a chicken in his front yard

(Thanks to Ralph)

ALWAYS KEEP ONE HANDY

Officer Bytnar said police were told that a man and a woman had overstayed their welcome at the house, so the owner chased them out with the pooper scooper.

(Thanks to Unholy Slacker)

PAGING CAPTAIN QUINT

Just in time for summer, Great White Sharks have been spotted in the water around Cape Cod.

(Thanks to Bill Hudgins)

BECAUSE THEY DON'T PEE ENOUGH AS IT IS

Beer for dogs.

(Thanks to funny man)

FLATHEAD COUNTY TOURISM REPORT

2:35 p.m. The owner of an RV park in Hungry Horse reported that tourists from Florida complained about the remoteness and lack of cable in the park. Additionally, he claimed that the women threw herself onto the floor and yelled. He claimed to have never seen anything like it.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

DON'T TOUCH THAT LEVER

Exploding Toilets Lead To Recall

(Thanks to Unholy Slacker)

CSI: CHANDLER

A Chandler man is accused of defecating on the floor of a Walmart store Tuesday after trying to steal a beer bottle, Chandler police said.

(Thanks to Unholy Slacker)

MEANWHILE IN NATURE

Prettier tits (the bird!) get more help from their partners

(Thanks to The Perts)

LET'S BE CAREFUL OUT THERE

A 72-year-old New Jersey man has been charged with threatening to shoot his neighbor for farting in front of his home.

(Thanks to Mag Last)

THAT WILL TEACH THEM

A woman who was struck with a milkshake and angrily threw her purse at a vehicle full of teenagers lost $2,000 after the handbag flew into the open vehicle window, Palo Alto police said Monday.

(Thanks to JD)

NO WORD ON HOW MUCH THE CORPSE GOT

An airline has reimbursed a Swedish woman after she was given no choice but to sit across a corpse for much of a 10-hour flight to Kenya.

(Thanks to Jeff Brown and Chuck Cody)

IS OUR REPORTER'S LEARNING?

Flathead County Police Blotter: 9:25 p.m. A woman on Harmony Court reported that her son is been taking things from her home.

(Thanks to funny man)