Dave Barry's Blog

THIS IS EXACTLY WHY WE HAVE NATURE AREAS

Elderly man dances naked in Furstenberg Nature Area as women canoe past him

Name of police lieutenant we are not making fun of: Renee Bush

(Thanks to Jeffrey Brown)

SPORTS UPDATE

"I was just in awe that we were at the Coliseum," said a star of the film, who goes by the name Mr. Marcus. "I've made movies for about 20 years and I've done a lot of things, but that one really stands out.… I mean, who gets to have sex on the Coliseum floor?"

(Thanks to Allen at Division)

Please note that this blog is not making fun of the bylines in this story.

HEADED SOUTHBOUND. WHICH IS THE DIRECTION OF FLORIDA.

Authorities say a 28-year-old man in upstate New York has been charged with driving his motorcycle at nearly 200 mph on a highway in the rain.

(Thanks to James in NC)

DEAR MIAMI CHAMBER OF COMMERCE:

Please don't read this.

FLATHEAD COUNTY: LAND OF PASSION

8:56 p.m. A man in Kalispell reportedly poured a beer on his wife, hit her car with his hand and urinated on her boyfriend.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

ATTENTION, NOBEL PRIZE JUDGES

A new footwear company is customising the skin of living stingrays to make $1,800 bespoke sneakers.

(Thanks to Janice Gelb)

'SLOVENLY SHEDDERS OF GERMS'

Men's offices show more bacteria than women's

(Thanks to The Perts)

We saw the Slovenly Germ Shedders open for the Ramones.

AS FEATURED IN 'FIELD AND FREEZER' MAGAZINE

Alexander Donninger, who was charged with poaching in a Kufstein court, said the fish a passerby reported him for poaching from the lake in the Kufstein district were actually frozen trout he had purchased from a local supermarket and allowed to thaw in order to impress his children with his fishing skills.

(Thanks to Ralph, and Jeff Meyerson)

APOCALYPSE UPDATE

Mass. woman finds baby bird with 2 heads, 3 beaks

(Thanks to Sharon [The Minx] Lurie)

WE DO NOT PAY OUR VETERINARIANS ENOUGH

Rhinoceros Undergoes Assisted Reproduction to Rescue Species from Extinction

(Thanks to Jeffrey Brown)

WE DON'T KNOW, BUT WE'RE PREPARED TO SPEND YEARS RESEARCHING THIS

Why Do Bubbles in Guinness Sink?

(Thanks to Jeffrey Brown)

CANADIAN POLITICAL UPDATE

No naked kite-surfing for B.C. premier

(Thanks to Ralph)

HAS ANYBODY SEEN SNOOKI LATELY?

Scarf-wearing pig spotted by Pittsburgh motorists

(Thanks to The Perts, Jeff Meyerson and queensbee)

IT PERVADES THE PLAYBOY MANSION

There is an old person smell, scientists say

(Thanks to The Perts and Janice Gelb)

SOFTWARE

Ex-Microsoft staffers create algorithm to find the perfect bra

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

LAST NIGHT'S KEY PITCHING MATCHUP

Unfortunately our strict policy prohibits us from bringing you Last Night's Key Pitching Matchup.

(Thanks to Jack Fizpatrick, who says he is "looking for hard and penetrating analysis from the beat reporters.")

WHO WOULD THROW AWAY A GOAT?

Dead dogs, a belt of machinegun bullets, sex toys, marijuana, a hand grenade and a goat - just some of the things Christchurch people put in their yellow wheelie bins.

(Thanks to Bill Moore)

WOMEN

Do not mess with them.

(Thanks to Neil Bartlett)

EDUCATOR OF THE WEEK

Unfortunately our strict policy prohibits us from presenting the Educator of the Week.

(Thanks to Unholy Slacker)

FASHION BULLETIN:

Side Cleavage.

(Thanks to Peter Metrinko)

EVEN FOR SQUIRRELS, THIS IS LOW

Squirrel cuts power in Hudson area on morning of high school graduation

(Thanks to Jimmy Madigan)

THIS IS EXACTLY WHY WE HAVE NUCLEAR WEAPONS

Mexican Cartel Declares War on Cheetos

(Thanks to Unholy Slacker)

SUAVE

Drunk woman tries to charm cops after urinating on herself

(Thanks to Unholy Slacker)

In Other Urination-Related News: Man who urinated on dog basket wears skirt to court

PORN AND CIRCUMSTANCE

Sex tape spliced into graduation video

(Thanks to Unholy Slacker)

SOMEBODY'S GOING TO BE SLEEPING ON THE SOFA

A Harrisburg City police officer accidentally shot his wife in the buttocks over the weekend.

(Thanks to Unholy Slacker)

THEREBY QUALIFYING TO VOTE IN FLORIDA

Thespian hamster plays dead

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson, who saw Thespian Hamster open for the Beach Boys)

THANK GOODNESS FOR STUDIES

Rude people prefer aggressive dogs, study finds

(Thanks to The Perts)

WHAT COULD POSSIBLY GO WRONG?

Convoy of self-driving cars takes to Spanish highway

(Thanks to Bill Hudgins)

AS FORETOLD IN THE OLD TESTAMENT

Is this the face of God in a mixing bowl?

(Thanks to Jeffrey Brown)

CELEBRITY GLAMOR UPDATE

Nicole Kidman admits that she actually urinated on Zac Efron in The Paperboy as director Lee Daniels asked

(Thanks to Unholy Slacker)

THIS HAPPENS TO US CONSTANTLY

Civil servant 'forgot to wear underpants' on day trousers fell down, tribunal is told

(Thanks to Unholy Slacker)

ADVISORY TO THOSE WITH NEAT BUTTOCKS

'Neat' buttocks grabber wanted by police

(Thanks to Unholy Slacker)

STAY CLASSY, CELEBRITY AUCTIONEER DARREN JULIEN

Celebrity auctioneer Darren Julien is selling Elvis Presley's original crypt to the highest bidder as part of his "Music Icons" auction next month.

(Thanks to Bill Hudgins)

DUDE

Stoner tries to pay for meal at Denny's with a bag of weed

(Thanks to funny man)

ADVENTURES IN MATHEMATICS

Unfortunately our strict policy prohibits us from bringing you today's edition of Adventures in Mathematics.

(Thanks to Unholy Slacker)

WE NEED STRICT FEDERAL CONTROLS ON BOTH OF THESE THINGS

Man uses toilet seat to steal gum

(Thanks to Joe in Japan)

A GIANT LEAP FOR CANADIANKIND

Garbage truck lands on Saturn

(Thanks to The Perts)

PUT YOUR HANDS TOGETHER

Radioactive bluefin tuna crossed the Pacific to US

(Thanks to Craig Roberts)

JUST WHEN YOU THINK THE SITUATION IN FLATHEAD COUNTY CAN'T GET ANY WORSE...

9:12 a.m. A Bigfork man described a suspicious substance falling from the sky. A deputy discovered that it was pollen.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

WE'LL STICK WITH BEER, THANKS

Barak figured out several years ago that heavy king and corn snakes produce a relaxing kneading sensation.

(Thanks to The Perts)

In Other Snake-Related News: Boy Freaks Out Restaurant Patrons by Bringing in Rattlesnake

(Thanks to W. von Papineau)

NOT TO MENTION ALL THE ADMIRING GLANCES THEY MUST GET

Elderly couple credits matching outfits for successful marriage

(Thanks to The Perts)

UPDATE ON THE WOMAN WHO WAS DRINKING BEER AT THE TARANAKI BRIDE OF THE YEAR COMPETITION

She's a star.

(Thanks to Bill Moore)

SOON TO BE A MAJOR MOTION PICTURE

A team of 28 rescuers were needed to free a man who fell in a ravine whilst having a pee in Ladis in the Austrian Tirol.

(Thanks to Joe in Japan)

IF THERE'S A TACO MISSING FROM YOUR ORDER, THERE'S ONLY ONE THING YOU CAN DO:

Take action.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

MEXICO COVERED BY GIGANTIC PORK CLOUD

Uh-oh.

(Thanks to jon harris)

A FLORIDA TRAIN-DRIVER LICENSE IS ON THE WAY

A train driver in Zurich encouraged passengers to 'show the finger' to a tram after it blocked his path.

(Thanks to Joe in Japan)

YET ANOTHER OCCASION FOR HEAVY DRINKING

Hairy-nosed wombat back from the brink

(Thanks to Joe in Japan)

GUESS THE STATE

Man tried to rob Lowes store; Stole golf cart from nearby nudist colony

(Thanks to Joe in Japan)

WE SAW THEM OPEN FOR THE RAMONES

Beer-guzzling cows crash backyard party

(Thanks to funny man)

PICKY

A man from southern Israel divorced his wife this week because she had brought 550 cats into their home.

(Thanks to funny man)