Dave Barry's Blog

WE HAVE *GOT* TO BAN THOSE THINGS

Myrtle Beach couple charged after domestic incident with inflatable hammer

(Thanks to Unholy Slacker and Jeff Meyerson)

YEEPERS

Meet Claude the giant Tasmanian Crab.

(Thanks to Dave Roe)

WE'RE GONNA NEED MORE SUNSCREEN

FL Motel Goes All-Nude to Boost Bottom Line

(Thanks to Rob Simbeck and Jeffrey Brown)

OLYMPIC PREVIEW

Dutch prince takes part in toilet-bowl-tossing contest

(Thanks to funny man)

'THERE WERE NO CHARGES AGAINST THE DOG'

Woman bites dog

See if you can guess what was apparently involved.

(Thanks to Not My Usual Alias)

THEY WERE RELEASED AFTER THEY PRODUCED 30,000 VALID FLORIDA DRIVERS' LICENSES

30,000 bees found in New Jersey attic

(Thanks to The Perts)

MEANWHILE IN INTERNATIONAL FINANCE

Bath Giant Fred Kempster's underwear sells for £550

(Thanks to Unholy Slacker)

WHO AMONG US HAS NOT BEEN TEMPTED?

Boy urinates on school computers, causes $36,000 in damages, Upper Allen police say

(Thanks to Unholy Slacker)

SUGAR VALLEY NIGHTLIFE REPORT

When the manager asked to see his identification, he couldn’t provide his license. The manager asked Mills and the other person to leave several times before Mills stood up, pulled down his pants and walked out. He was arrested later at Checkers.

(Thanks to Unholy Slacker)

MEN:

Do not click here.

(Thanks to mrindoodah)

AND IT'S HAPPY TO SEE YOU

A Chinese farmer has grown a manly virility plant.

(Thanks to Joe in Japan and Peter Metrinko)

THOSE TERRORIST BASTARDS

Diablo Canyon nuclear plant in California knocked offline by jellyfish-like creature called salp

(Thanks to Bob Brogan)

MOVE OVER, MAGIC KINGDOM

There is no place on earth more wondrous than the Southern Pines Creation Museum, Fudge Shop, Taxidermy Hall of Fame, Christian Bookstore and Farm Implement Museum.

It's a small world after all...

The sign over this uncharacteristically uncluttered display says "IN THIS CASE WE HAVE DISPLAYED ALL THE CREDIBLE EVIDENCE OF EVOLUTION."

Note the pitchforks overhead. (Get it? Over HEAD?)

These are a few of my favorite things...

In case that's not temptation enough, at the next doorway there's a huge coffin-shaped box with this sign above it. (No, we didn't open it. Duh. How could we be posting if we had?)

Of course, no Creation Museum would be complete without The World's Largest Beanie Baby.



(Many thanks to my friend Greg S., whose last name must remain unblogged because... it's a small town. And they have the box.)

WHEW

Conundrum frozen cows to be sawed

(Thanks to Claire Martin)

NEVER MIX THE TWO

A woman charged with DUI after her car slammed through a Connecticut liquor store  is blaming it all on Nyquil and Armor All.

(Thanks to Bob Brogan)

WHAT COULD POSSIBLY GO WRONG?

Australian billionaire to build Titanic II

(Thanks to Jay Brandes)

LIKE YOUR MESSAGE COULD BE: 'BOO!'

DeadSocial is a service that taps in to your Facebook, Twitter and Google+ accounts, allowing you to add messages to a private calendar that can be distributed on your networks after you die.

(Thanks to Janice Gelb)

THOSE THINGS ARE WORTH A FORTUNE ON THE STREET

The suspects took the bags, which contained newly upholstered bar stool cushions, and took off running.

(Thanks to Craig Roberts)

REVENGE

Tourists trapped in Confederate monument's elevator

(Thanks to Sharon ["The Minx'] Lurie, who says, "All the people trapped were Yankees.  Coincidence?  I think not!")

FATHER'S DAY IS COMING

Don't get him another bottle of cologne.

(Thanks to Catherine)

MUST HAVE BEEN AN EXCITING RIDE

Man sues BMW for 20-month erection after bike ride

(Thanks to Mark Buckley)

'SOME QUESTION TASTEFULNESS OF INVENTION'

ButtleOpener creator defends product, says it is harmless

(Thanks to Robin Goodfellow and Sharon ["The Minx'] Lurie)

MEANWHILE IN PETANQUE

Fox steals 38 boules balls

(Thanks to Joe in Japan)

A FLORIDA COMMERCIAL LICENSE IS ON THE WAY

Trucker 'didn't notice wheel fall off'

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

WE SAW KFGP OPEN FOR NRBQ

Dogs attacked - by kung fu guinea pig

(Thanks to The Perts)

DO *NOT* MESS WITH WOMEN

A dentist pulled out all her ex-boyfriend’s teeth after he dumped her for another woman – who has now left him because he is toothless.

(Thanks to Chuck Cody, Janice Gelb and DavCat)

IT HAS RETAINED LEGAL COUNSEL

Kittery police battling aggressive tom turkey

(Thanks to Anne ["Not related to Mitt"] Romney)

INSTINCT

Emu escapes from Hamilton farm and heads to N.J. Turnpike

(Thanks to Barbara A, who says "Undoubtedly heading south, towards Florida.")

PAGING THE OREGON HIGHWAY DEPARTMENT

No takers for dead cow on Kingston beach

(Thanks to Craig Roberts)

DOO-DAH, DOO-DAH

Stressed-out penguins on the mend

(Thanks to Ralph)

We saw them open for the Strawberry Alarm Clock.

THE FORCE CAUGHT UP WITH HIM

Obiwan Kenobi Arrested In Roseville Hit-And-Run

(Thanks to Renee the First)

WELL OK, THEN

A Chicago-area man who allegedly was clocked driving 111 mph through a 45 mph forest preserve told a patrol officer he was in a hurry to “try to go have sex with a girl he liked.”

(Thanks to Bob Brogan)

DENTAL HYGIENE TIP OF THE WEEK SO FAR

The lawsuit said Galbreath instructed David to have X-rays taken at a chiropractor's office, rather than at an emergency room. David had the X-rays taken at a nearby chiropractic center and brought them back for Galbreath to read, it said. Galbreath spotted the screwdriver "on the stomach" and instructed David to eat a diet high in fiber and to look for the screwdriver after bowel movements.

(Thanks to Jenny Kellner and Sharon [The Minx] Lurie)

DAMN

Yesterday was National Hairball Awareness Day.

(Thanks to jon harris)

HAR

Citizens Apposed to the Library Project

(Thanks to ScottMGS)

IT ALSO MAY HAVE THE OPPOSITE EFFECT

Toilet hanging 15 stories in the air may make you hold it in

(Thanks to nursecindy)

ALWAYS CARRY A SPARE

Portable meth lab explodes in Oklahoma man's pants

(Thanks to Susan in Port Orchard, jon harris, Trent Whitney and funny man)

EXCUSE ME, BUT YOUR BOSOM IS RINGING

A bra for stashing your phone is Seattle startup innovation

(Thanks to Craig Roberts)

IT WAS ASKING FOR IT

Man charged with criminal mischief after headbutting a patrol car

(Thanks to funny man)

MEANWHILE IN THE HELLHOLE THAT IS FLATHEAD COUNTY

1:44 p.m. Reportedly, an injured duck was being picked on by other ducks at Woodland Park.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

WE SAW THE OVEN-READY IGUANAS OPEN FOR KISS

A Las Vegas man who tried to sneak 115 oven-ready iguanas into the United States from Mexico has been sentenced to two years in prison for illegally importing the reptiles, authorities said on Thursday.

(Thanks to Ralph)

STAND TALL, MaP

Unlike some other toilet testing organizations, MaP testing protocols and processes are entirely transparent.

(Thanks to jon harris)

WE'RE GONNA NEED MORE COCKTAIL SAUCE

Giant cannibal shrimp invasion growing

(Thanks to ScottMGS, Bill Hudgins, Larry from London, Dan Barr, David Emery and Tom Kopec, who saw them open for the Doobie Brothers)

TMI

"I promise you, the president has a big stick.”

(Thanks to jon harris)

THIS HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH THE SECRET SERVICE

Why ‘the sex life of the screwworm’ deserves taxpayer dollars

(Thanks to jon harris)

IT IS ONLY A MATTER OF TIME BEFORE TONGS BECOME INVOLVED

An Albuquerque hot dog vendor faces a charge of aggravated battery with a deadly weapon after police say he rammed his food cart into a competitor.

(Thanks to jon harris)

CELEBRITY GLAMOR UPDATE

Kesha has posted a picture of herself urinating in the street.

(Thanks to Unholy Slacker)

A FLORIDA MARINE LICENSE IS ON THE WAY

Coeur d'Alene man drives boat onto land, crashes into tree

(Thanks to Craig Roberts)

SOON WE WILL HAVE NO CONSTITUTIONAL RIGHTS LEFT

An Idaho man has been charged with assault after authorities say he ordered another man to perform the "moonwalk" at gunpoint.

(Thanks to jon harris, Craig Roberts and Chuck Cody)

ADVISORY TO NAKED ROMANIAN MOTORCYCLE RIDERS:

Wear a helmet.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)