Dave Barry's Blog

IT MUST HAVE WATCHED 'LASSIE'

Trapped basset hound calls police

(Thanks to Ralph)

IT'S TIME ONCE AGAIN TO PLAY 'GUESS THE STATE'

Drunk woman calls 911 to say she was lost in woods, did not know where to urinate

(Thanks to Ralph)

WE SUSPECT THING 1, ALTHOUGH WE WOULD NOT RULE OUT THING 2

Lorax statue stolen from La Jolla estate of Dr. Seuss

(Thanks to Sharon [The Minx] Lurie)

WHEN GUNS ARE OUTLAWED, ONLY JUDGES WILL HAVE GUNS

Barrett told the woman she was "killing her case" and pulled out his gun and, feigning to offer it to her, said, "You might as well shoot your lawyer," Langley said.

(Thanks to funny man)

DEPARTMENT OF THINGS YOU'D RATHER NOT KNOW

Alicia Silverstone chews her son's food for him

(Thanks to Bob Brogan)

WE SAW THEM OPEN FOR HENDRIX

Robot Records Fish Farts

(Thanks to Jay Brandes)

BEAUTY TREATMENT OF THE DAY SO FAR

The Snail Facial.

(Thanks to The Perts)

ATTENTION, NOBEL PRIZE JUDGES

Genetically modified cows could fart less

(Thanks to funny man)

We need to apply this technology to humans, especially if they sit next to me on airplanes.

MOLECULAR MICROBIOLOGIST OF THE WEEK

We regret to announce that our strict policy prohibits us from presenting the Molecular Microbiologist of the Week.

(Thanks to Lisa)

DETAILS, DETAILS

Glad Tidings Assembly of God stages mock kidnapping of youth group — but failed to warn parents

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

IT'S ABOUT DAMN TIME

Presenting the Squirrel-Tracking Water Cannon.

(Thanks to Ric Williams)

WE NEED TO BE PREPARED

What If All of America's Toilets Were Flushed Simultaneously?

(Thanks to Bruce Webster)

THEREBY QUALIFYING FOR A FLORIDA DRIVER'S LICENSE

Brainless slime able to trace map of Canada’s highway system

(Thanks to Nigel Grout)

THUS EXPLAINING WHY HE CHOSE A CAREER IN POLITICS

Town councillor Simon Parkes: My mum was a 9ft green alien

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson and Bruce Webster)

ATTENTION, OBESE DOGS:

Help is here.

(Thanks to Ralph)

WE'RE SURE IT WAS MEANT IN A POSITIVE WAY

FREMONT — Police are investigating after a smelly dead muskrat was left on a teacher's chair in a classroom at Ellis School.

(Thanks to Samuel Sprague)

GRAFFITI OF THE WEEK SO FAR

Har.

(Thanks to Jan in Grimsby)

WAIT... YOU CAN GET IT DELIVERED?

Medical Marijuana Deliveryman Robbed By Baton-Wielding Ninjas In West Covina

(Thanks to Jeffrey Brown and Loudmouth)

PEOPLE OF SOUTH CAROLINA:

Do NOT go swimming.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

NO DOUBT

Great pussy purge puzzles French town

(Thanks to Ralph)

DOES THIS MEAN THEY TAKE ONLY HALF OF IT OFF?

Half Off Men's Back Waxing!

(Thanks to jon harris)

NORTH DAKOTA: LAND OF GLAMOR

Bottles of urine stacking up in Oil Patch ditches

(Thanks to Fred Hudson)

A GIANT LEAP FOR MANKIND

Ontario Appeal Court strikes down ban on brothels

(Thanks to The Perts)

TOTALLY WORTH IT

Austrian saws off own foot to avoid work

(Thanks to jon harris)

GUYS ARE ALL THE SAME

Video: Ants mate with half-eaten, dying queen

(Thanks to Jeffrey Brown and John Gregg)

BECAUSE THAT, AFTER ALL, IS WHAT EASTER IS ALL ABOUT

Organizers of an annual Easter egg hunt attended by hundreds of children have canceled this year’s event, citing the behavior of aggressive parents who swarmed into the tiny park last year, determined that their kids get an egg.

(Thanks to Not My Usual Alias)

SPEAKING OF MAD MEN

Adolf Hitler featured in Turkish shampoo ad

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson, who observes: "Classy.")

AND THEY ALL HAVE VALID FLORIDA LICENSES

More huge Gambian rats found on Grassy Key

(Thanks to Matt Filar)

KINKY

Thief steals front door, made to mount it

(Thanks to Joe in Japan)

AND WE REGRET READING ABOUT IT

I Regret Eating My Placenta

(Thanks to Alkali Bill)

MEANWHILE DOWN UNDER

Man arrested after ‘abnormal bulge' in underpants

(Thanks to Unholy Slacker)

IT'S ABOUT DAMN TIME

Basically it is an Ant-farm that you can wear DIRECTLY on your arm.

(Thanks to The Perts)

THIS IS EXACTLY WHY WE HAVE THE DEATH PENALTY

Hendersonville man charged with tampering beer

(Thanks to Sharon [The Minx] Lurie)

WE DON'T WANT TO KNOW

Mr. Ted Habte-Gabr reports that the bathroom in the place he's renting in NYC has this on the wall:

WE'RE ON OUR WAY

A rapidly increasing stream of New Age believers – or esoterics, as locals call them – have descended in their camper van-loads on the usually picturesque and tranquil Pyrenean village of Bugarach. They believe that when apocalypse strikes on 21 December this year, the aliens waiting in their spacecraft inside Pic de Bugarach will save all the humans near by and beam them off to the next age.

(Thanks to Dave D)

PRODUCTIVITY ENHANCEMENT TIME

It's time to play Rocket Toilet 2!

(Thanks to CoastRaven)

NO WORD ON THE FRENCH RESPONSE

Giant 45ft-long paper airplane takes to the skies above Arizona

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

NOT WEIRD AT ALL!

Hunky Norwegians have sex with city landmarks

WARNING: Naked Norwegians having sex with landmarks.

(Thanks to Joe in Japan)

THAI CUISINE UPDATE

Unfortunatley our strict standards of decency prohibit us from presenting the Thai Cuisine Report.

(Thanks to manual tomato)

FATHER'S DAY IS COMING

(Thanks to James)

ATTENTION, NOBEL PRIZE JUDGES

Tacocopter Aims To Deliver Tacos Using Unmanned Drone Helicopters

(Thanks to Loudmouth)

A FLORIDA LICENSE ETC.

Woman Driver Trying To Park Her Car

(Thanks to Jan in Grimsby)

TOTALLY JUSTIFIED

An argument about country music stars Reba McEntire and Loretta Lynn escalated into a domestic dispute that has Savannah-Chatham police looking for a man believed to have attacked two people with a hammer Tuesday.

(Thanks to Jay Brandes)

MUSIC LOVERS:

You will not want to miss this. 

(Thanks to Unholy Slacker)

YOU WILL NEVER GUESS WHAT APPARENTLY WAS INVOLVED

A man and woman have been charged with engaging in a lewd act after a couple had sex on both a subway car and platform — in the middle of the afternoon.

(Thanks to The Perts)

WE SAW SNOW GLOBE OF CASH OPEN FOR THE RAMONES

Dozens of drivers stopped to grab fistfuls of money after thousands of dollars spilled from an armored truck along a Maryland highway Friday and created what one motorist called one big "snow globe of cash."

(Thanks to The Perts)

SEND HIM TO... NO, WAIT, NEVER MIND

Batman pulled over in Silver Spring

(Thanks to Loudmouth, who asks, "Where was Gene yesterday?")

BE ON THE LOOKOUT

Man in mullet wig holds up Melbourne bank

This story is in no way connected with this individual:

(We are referring to the individual on the left.)

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

OOPS

Kazakhstan's shooting team has been left stunned after a comedy national anthem from the film Borat was played at a medal ceremony at championships in Kuwait instead of the real one.

(Thanks to Joe in Japan and The Perts)

APPEARING SOON IN 'THE HUNGER GAMES'

The King of Wasps

(Thanks to Rich)