Dave Barry's Blog

THIS JUST IN

Wang rehab ahead of schedule

(Thanks to ligirl)

PIGEON-PHOBIC CELEBRITY OF THE DAY SO FAR

"I can't stand them after one once flew in through my bathroom window and went for me while I was having a wee.

(Thanks to Unholy Slacker)

IN ALL THE EXCITEMENT OVER NATIONAL CLEAVAGE DAY, WE TOTALLY OVERLOOKED THIS

Today is Bunsen Burner Day.

(Thanks to jon harris)

WE SAW THEM OPEN FOR SCROTAL SUPPORT GARMENT

Hot Defensive Bee Ball

(Thanks to funny man)

WE SAW THEM OPEN FOR THE BESPOKE WILLY WARMERS

Give it up for Scrotal Support Garment.

(Thanks to funny man)

SOON WE WILL HAVE NO CONSTITUTIONAL RIGHTS LEFT

Police have arrested a Medford, Ore., man accused of firing two shots into the air to quiet a pair of neighborhood children playing outside his trailer.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

A Colorado man was sentenced to five years' probation after accidentally shooting a woman whose red mohawk he mistook for a fowl that had been harassing his cats.

(Thanks to Greermac)

WE LOVE THIS WOMAN

Kate Winslet: Celine Dion’s ‘Titanic’ Song Makes Me Want to Throw Up

(Thanks to Unholy Slacker)

YOU FIRST

Could obesity be cured by injecting our guts with fecal bacteria from ancient mummies?

(Thanks to Unholy Slacker, jon harris and Gregg in Austin)

DINING REPORT FROM THE MIDWEST

Mr. Pat Monahan, one of the founders of the World Famous Lawn Rangers of Arcola, Ill., of which this blog is a proud member, sent this photo of an ad for a local restaurant:

WHAT'S THAT SMELL?

Cooking With Poo

(Thanks to Matt Filar)

WE SAW THEM OPEN FOR HENDRIX

Bespoke Willy Warmers

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson and Ralph)

THEY WERE RELEASED AFTER PRODUCING VALID FLORIDA DRIVERS' LICENSES

The company said it turned out the owner of the other car had left the engine running with three dogs inside and the canines managed to shift the vehicle out of park and send it crashing into the woman's car.

(Thanks to The Perts and Joe in Japan)

NEWS YOU CAN USE

Male gators attracted to tuba's B flat

(Thanks to The Perts)

NEW ZEALAND TRAFFIC REPORT

Woman injured in hollandaise spill

(Thanks to Bill Moore and Joe in Japan)

REMEMBER THE SQUIRREL THAT GOT INTO A COUPLE'S VACATION PHOTO AND BECAME FAMOUS?

Apparently it inspired this sloth.

(Thanks to The Perts)

NATIONAL CLEAVAGE DAY UPDATE

Two thirds of British women use their cleavage to get ahead in life finds Wonderbra poll

'FACE-DOWN IN THE DUNG'

A suspected fuel thief being tracked by a Wiltshire Police helicopter tried to avoid detection by on-board thermal imaging cameras by hiding in manure.

(Thanks to Jan in Grimsby)

YOU WILL NEVER IN A MILLION YEARS GUESS THE STATE

You can buy driving test answers before exam

(Thanks to R & L Stevenson)

BUT YOU'D HAVE TO BE PRETTY DESPERATE

You can get herpes from coral.

(Thanks to wiredog)

IT IS ONLY A MATTER OF TIME BEFORE THE NATIONAL GUARD IS DISPATCHED TO FLATHEAD COUNTY

3 p.m. A man with slicked back hair reportedly stole a Guns N' Roses-themed bicycle from an East Idaho Street location.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

BULLETIN BULLETIN BULLETINNNNNNNNNNNN!

Today is National Cleavage Day. Or maybe it's tomorrow. So just in case, everyone with cleavage should celebrate both days, which by God they know how to do over in England.

(Thanks to jon harris and funny man)

TRY BEFORE YOU BUY

Customer at sex shop locks self in handcuffs

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson and funny man)

THE CHICKENS WERE RELEASED AFTER PRODUCING COLD BUT VALID FLORIDA DRIVERS' LICENSES

Man arrested after dog sniffs meth stuffed in frozen chickens

(Thanks to Mark Buckley)

RECREATION AREA OF THE WEEK SO FAR

Unfortunately, our strict policy prohibits us from presenting the Recreation Area of the Week So Far, dudes.

(Thanks to Unholy Slacker)

HEY, IT'S FRIDAY, AND YOU TOTALLY NEED TO WASTE FIVE MINUTES AND 26 SECONDS

Here's Liam Neeson demonstrating his comedy improv skills to Ricky Gervais and Steven Merchant.

AND ON DRUMS...

Ahem.

Update: Apparently this link is no longer working. Rest assured that steps will be taken, in the form of firing judi.

WE ARE CONFIDENT THAT WHOEVER WAS DRIVING IT POSSESSED A VALID FLORIDA LICENSE

Drivers surprised by submarine beside I-20

(Thanks to Joe in Japan)

PUT YOUR HANDS TOGETHER....

...for Ancient Dung.

(Thanks to Unholy Slacker)

NEW YORK COMMUTER ADVISORY

There's a giant prehistoric snake in Grand Central Terminal.

(Thanks to the Perts)

AND PEOPLE HAVE THE NERVE TO SAY ALCOHOL IMPAIRS YOU

An unnamed man with a scraggly beard is experiencing a few minutes of fame — 6:10 to be exact — after a video of him drunkenly singing the Queen song “Bohemian Rhapsody” in its entirety while sitting in the back of an RCMP squad car surfaced online.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson and The Perts)

(We saw Jeff Meyerson and The Perts open for Dion and the Belmonts.)

(Also thanks to Jan in Grimsby)

(And Mitch and KJP)

BARK! BARK! (BURP.) BARK!

Beer-drinking dog receives Kiwi hero medal

(Thanks to Chuck Cody)

SUAVE

Police documents said the man would look up employee photos in the database. He “would pick out the attractive females and then on off-hours, he would come into work, go to their desk and urinate on their chairs.”

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson and Unholy Slacker)

WE SAW THEM OPEN FOR THE RAMONES

Bastard cabbage attacks!

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

YUM

Urine-soaked eggs a spring taste treat in China city

Ew: Basins and buckets of boys' urine are collected from primary school toilets. It is the key ingredient in "virgin boy eggs", a local tradition of soaking and cooking eggs in the urine of young boys, preferably below the age of 10.

(Thanks to jon harris and The Amazing Steve)

CSI: FLATHEAD COUNTY

1:50 p.m. A Kalispell man found a suspicious post card in his mailbox and thinks he has a suspect.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

BUT IT'S OK, BECAUSE THE GUN WAS IN A CLEAR, ONE-QUART, RESEALABLE PLASTIC BAG

TSA officers charged with trashing South Beach hotel room, shooting gun

THEY WON'T GET FAR WITHOUT SPRINKLERS

Man wakes to find front lawn stolen

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

THINK AGAIN

A homeless man in Alabama thought he was safe to pick up the head of a venomous snake since it had been decapitated by his friend using a machete.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

THOSE TERRORIST BASTARDS

Now they're using swans.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

AS IS HIS CONSTITUTIONAL RIGHT

Man in a sombrero wearing a boxing glove jumps on Sacramento cop car and shouts his name

(Thanks to Ralph)

A LOAD OFF OUR MIND

Ancient Ichthyosaur Mother Did Not Explode

(Thanks to Ralph)

SEND THIS IDEA TO WASHINGTON

Kazakhstan Taxes Manure

(Thanks to Ralph)

THIS JUST IN FROM TURKEY

“Russian submarines gather intelligence through genies.”

(Thanks to Ralph)

YOU WILL NEVER IN A MILLION YEARS GUESS THE STATE

The 20-year-old woman filled a small vodka bottle with somebody else's urine and paced it in her vagina...  However, the pee inside the vodka bottle failed the test, which led to her arrest.

(Thanks to funny man)

THE PORK CHOPS WERE RELEASED AFTER PRODUCING VALID FLORIDA DRIVERS' LICENSES

Chicago Man Spotted With Pork Chops In His Pants Arrested For Shoplifting

(Thanks to Rich Alpin)

STILL ANOTHER REASON TO SKIP THE LOUVRE

Angry Birds Theme Parks Coming to Europe

(Thanks to funny man)

THIS IS WHY WE NEVER PLAY POOL WITHOUT A FACE MASK

British Man Has Pool Cue Tip Removed From Brain after Accidentally Skewering Himself

(Thanks to Dan Barr)

ARE YOU KOSHER TONIGHT?

Elvis Presley Enterprises sponsoring 9-day May tour to Israel with 3 backup singers

(Thanks to Bill Hudgins)

SOMEBODY HAD TO DO IT

Man makes guitar out of Millennium Falcon

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

FLATHEAD: A COUNTY GRIPPED BY FEAR

9:04 a.m. Someone who suspected that llamas on Yeoman Hall Road were underfed, found that they were actually being fed.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)