Dave Barry's Blog

HE MAY BE THE FIRST MAN OF FINLAND, BUT HE'S STILL A GUY

The husband of Finland's president was caught on camera casting an admiring glance at the cleavage of Princess Mary of Denmark.

(Thanks to W. von Papineau)

WE WILL CLASSILY REFRAIN FROM MAKING A DOWNLOAD JOKE

Gates Foundation toilet contest seeks 'iPad of sanitation'

WE SAW THEM OPEN FOR PHISH

Texting Cow

(Thanks to Jay Brandes)

PAYS WELL, BUT THE JOB IS LOUSY

Local mom making a career out of head lice

(Thanks to Craig Roberts)

TEXAS SOCIAL NOTE

Man Chooses Pet Buffalo as Best Man at Vow Renewal Ceremony

(Thanks to Bob Brogan)

A FLORIDA LICENSE...

...is on the (wrong) way.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

SO BASICALLY THE MESSAGE IS THAT IF YOU PLAN TO DRINK IT...

...you'll need a condom.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

YOU KNOW THIS IS SOME KIND OF TRICK

Flowers regenerated from 30,000-year-old frozen fruits, buried by ancient squirrels

(Thanks to Bill Hudgins and NJGill)

NEED A CAR?

Dude.

(Thanks to John Grant)

IS THERE A PROBLEM, OFFICER?

Nude driver hits 7 cars before stopping for police

(Thanks to Unholy Slacker)

Incredibly, this did not happen in Florida. It happened in Hoover, Alabama.

IF YOU SEE ONLY ONE JAPANESE MOVIE SCENE THIS YEAR ON YOUTUBE FEATURING A LETHAL ASSAULT BY FEMALE-ORIFICE BUBBLES (FOBs)...

...make it this one.

(Thanks to Joe in Japan)

HER BRAIN, HOWEVER, IS NOT

Coco Austin appeared on the US TV show The Dcotros to prove her bottom is real

(Thanks to Craig Roberts)

DINING OUT IN CHINA?

Maybe not.

(Thanks to Jay Brandes)

FLORIDA: LAND OF CIVILITY

"Mr. Arnold advised that (the woman) told him to kiss her (buttocks), at which time he told her to (fellate him)," the affidavit states.

(Thanks to Allen at Division)

PEOPLE OF SOCIETY HILL:

Guard your knockers.

(Thanks to Allen at Division and Greg Snow)

PROBABLY SCARED THE CRAP OUT OF HIM

Man's gun goes off in Walmart bathroom stall

(Thanks to Unholy Slacker)

OOPS

A RADIO station in Britain has issued an apology after it inadvertently aired what appeared to be a gay porn soundtrack.

(Thanks to Unholy Slacker)

PUT YOUR HANDS TOGETHER....

...for the Dwarf Bullfighters.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson, who believes they opened for Stevie Wonder in '63.)

TODAY'S TIP FOR MOTORISTS WISHING TO AVOID DELAYS

Wait until the concrete hardens.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

NEW MEXICO CRACKS DOWN

Woman Accused Of Stealing $2 Pumpkin Faces Trial

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

INDEPENDENT CONSTRUCTION PROFESSIONAL OF THE WEEK SO FAR

Unfortunately our strict policy etc.

(Thanks to Unholy Slacker)

TOTALLY PLAUSIBLE

Naples man arrested at bank claims he's CIA director, half orangutan

(Thanks to Ralph)

GUESS THE STATE

Woman repeatedly rammed car in front in drive-thru lane because it was too slow

(Thanks to Marc)

ANOTHER REASON WHY WE NEED DOGS

Dogs are always ready to help.

(Thanks Gary Thorn)

ART UPDATE

Presenting: The Japanese Fart Scrolls.

(Thanks to Matt Filar and Unholy Slacker)

WHY WE NEED DOGS

Dogs use instincts honed over millions of years to protect us from mortal danger.

(Thanks to Jan in Grimsby)

RUTHERFORD COUNTY ELECTION REPORT

Unfortunately, our strict policy prohibits us from bringing you the Rutherford County Election Report.

(Thanks to Bill Hudgins)

THEY WERE RELEASED AFTER THEY ALL PRODUCED VALID FLORIDA DRIVERS' LICENSES

Norway driver stopped with five reindeer in car

(Thanks to Dave the Librarian)

MUST BE SOME HORSE

Leparoux lands Derby favorite, and a bride to be

(Thanks to Omaha Bridget)

STARCATCHER UPDATE

The box office opens today for the broadway version of Peter and the Starcatcher. It was a wonderful show off-broadway. Ridley and I are very excited.

'I'M VERY PROUD OF THIS BALL'

An Austin, Texas, organization said it is working to build the world's largest ball of dog fur and has asked for donations.

(Thanks to Ralph)+

OTHER THAN THAT, IT WAS A LOVELY CEREMONY

Groom throws up at the altar in the middle of his wedding

(Thanks to funny man)

MASSAGE-PARLOR OWNER OF THE WEEK SO FAR

Unfortunately our strict policy prohibits us from bringing you the Massage-Parlor Owner of the Week So Far.

(Thanks to R. D. Drysdale)

WHOA

The world’s only walk through tour of the human breasts

(Thanks to April)

THEY MAY APPEAR TO BE MERELY WORN-OUT FRYING PANS

But in fact they are art.

(Thanks to Joe in Japan)

Imagine what could be done with the Slap Chop.

A GIANT LEAP FOR COWKIND

Lab-grown meat is first step to artificial hamburger

(Thanks to wiredog)

'WE HAVE SEEN MORE BRAS IN ONE DAY THAN ANY MAN WOULD EVER SEE IN A LIFETIME'

The Dargaville Girl Guides are claiming the world record for the longest bra chain after stringing 169,234 pieces of underwear together at the town's Memorial Park.

(Thanks to Bill Moore)

WE HATE TO THINK WHAT WOULD HAVE HAPPENED IF HE HAD BEEN DEMONSTRATING THE WRONG WAY

Deputies say an instructor was showing a student the right way to hold her .22 caliber pistol Saturday when the gun fired, hitting the student next to her.

(Thanks to Vernon Bowen)

BE ON THE LOOKOUT

Emu escapes from Vt. farm, on the lam for 5 weeks

(Thanks to Jan in Grimsby)

UNLESS IT'S 'LIGHT' BEER, THIS IS CRIMINAL

American artist Karen Eland paints pictures with beer instead of paint

(Thanks to funny man)

BRILLIANT

Calcutta's chief minister has ordered the city of 14 million residents to be painted sky blue, taking inspiration from the new Indian government's motto, "the sky is the limit."

(Thanks to funny man)

STAND TALL, SUNSHINE STATE

The 10 trashiest U.S. cities for Spring Break (and Florida is home to five of them)

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

SENSIBLE

Men Hide Stolen Air Fresheners in Pants

(Thanks to ligirl)

EVEN THE CONSENTING DEAD?

Sex with the dead? Illinois bill would make it illegal

(Thanks to Vernon Bowen)

WE KNOW SEVERAL PEOPLE FITTING THIS DESCRIPTION

Westbrook Police Look For Man Who Didn't Rob Bank

(Thanks to Chuck Cody)

IF BY 'SELF-DRIVING' THEY MEAN 'WITH NO SENTIENT HUMAN AT THE CONTROLS,' WE ALREADY HAVE THIS IN FLORIDA

Nevada approves regulations for self-driving cars

(Thanks to Joe in Japan)

ONE BY ONE, WE ARE LOSING OUR FUNDAMENTAL RIGHTS

Mars, inc., the maker of Snickers, Twix and M&M's, has announced that by the end of next year, it will stop selling chocolate products with more than 250-calories in them.

(Thanks to The Perts)

YOUR ALASKAN ART UPDATE

A Percent for Art sculpture at Wasilla High School has been ordered covered by the principal after some in the school community opined that parts of it resemble female genitalia.

This has been Your Alaskan Art Update.

(Thanks to Tim Lowell)

MEANWHILE IN CANADA

‘Get to know your breasts’

(Thanks to The Perts)

THEY WILL KILL US VERY SOON

A website in which a dog owner balances items of food on his dog's head has become an internet sensation.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)