Dave Barry's Blog

ATTENTION, SHOPPERS

Police investigate porn infiltration on Best Buy TV screens

(Thanks to Wolfsong)

WELL OF COURSE IT WAS IN FLORIDA

Naked man accused of rum theft in Florida

(Thanks to Ralph)

WE'RE GUESSING NOISILY

How did dinosours have sex?

(Thanks to Greg Snow)

HOUSTON SUPERMARKET GUIDE

Unfortunately our strict policy prohibits us from bringing you the Houston Supermarket Guide.

(Thanks to Bill Hudgins)

NO. IT WAS ASKING FOR IT.

Man Bites Car, Bath Salts to Blame?

(Thanks to Greg Stivland)

SUAVE

Actor Zac Efron was left cringing with embarrassment at the Hollywood premiere of his new movie Dr. Seuss’ The Lorax R. after dropping what appeared to be a condom on the red carpet.

(Thanks to The Perts)

WAIT... IT HAS COMPETITION?

Cooking with Poo in running for strangest book title of the year

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

AUSTRALIAN NIGHTLIFE REPORT

Unfortunately our strict standards of decency prohibit us from bringing you the Australian Nightlife Report.

(Thanks to Greg Snow)

WHAT WOULD WE DO WITHOUT UNIVERSITY RESEARCHERS?

Researchers at Ohio State University have found the more a person is afraid of spiders, the bigger they estimate the arthropods to be when confronted by one.

(Thanks to The Perts)

IT'S ABOUT TIME WE PUT A STOP TO THIS KIND OF THING

Arizona man arrested after rescuing and adopting drowning raccoon

(Thanks to Ms. Flukey)

PUT YOUR HANDS TOGETHER....

...for the Frontal Regions.

(Thanks to Craig Roberts)

WE'RE GONNA NEED A BIGGER CAN OF AIR FRESHENER

Toilets, bathtubs, and sinks in two southeast Houston houses became fecal fountains Thursday afternoon when a City of Houston Public Works employee tried to clear a clogged sewer line and sent the sewage, at high pressure, in entirely the wrong direction.

(Thanks to Unholy Slacker, who saw the Fecal Fountains open for The Germs.)

ATTENTION, NOBEL PRIZE JUDGE DUDES

Smoking pot tied to slacking off at work

(Thanks to Brian Duval)

WAY TOO EASY

Deena, Sammi, Snooki eager to catch crabs on 'Jersey Shore'

(Thanks to funny man)

A.K.A. 'NORMAL WEAR AND TEAR'

Instead of getting his transmission fixed as planned, Knight said he spent Wednesday morning on the phone with his insurance provider.

“I told them my windshield was smashed and they asked if it was on the side of a street or in a parking lot,” he said. “I told them, ‘No, a naked woman just got on my hood and stomped on it.’"

(Thanks to Unholy Slacker)

IT'S GETTING SO YOU CAN'T TRUST ANYBODY

Authorities say a man was arrested after he dropped his gun during a robbery and returned to the scene to try and buy it back from the victims.

(Thanks to Another Ralph)

IT'S NOT WHAT YOU THINK

A poultry escort service.

(Thanks to funny man)

ROMANTIC

These aren't just regular condoms. The QR codes on the wrappers can be scanned by smartphones, connecting users to a mobile website that plot their approximate location and ask a few non-identifying questions such as age range...

(Thanks to Craig Roberts and B'game)

YIKES

Mouse Howls Like a Wolf, Bites Like a Tiger

(Thanks to Jay Brandes)

PRIORITIES

Orlando crowd riots waiting for glow-in-the-dark Nikes

(Thanks to funny man, Horace LaBadie and The Perts)

STARTING AN ONLINE BUSINESS IN GREECE?

Antonopoulos and his partners spent hours collecting papers from tax offices, the Athens Chamber of Commerce and Industry, the municipal service where the company is based, the health inspector’s office, the fire department and banks. At the health department, they were told that all the shareholders of the company would have to provide chest X-rays, and, in the most surreal demand of all, stool samples.

(Thanks to KJP)

ALWAYS A SOUND LEGAL STRATEGY

Lyle Dalgin tried to use his head as a battering ram, told police he'd bite off their ears and would demonstrate how a "street veteran" does things.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson, who asks you to guess the state)

THOSE THINGS SHOULD BE REGISTERED

Man tried to rob store with finger

Guess the state.

(Thanks to The Perts and Dorkfish)

SEND HER TO WASHINGTON

Mayoral candidate says rival sent topless dancer

(Thanks to Karen in Panama City)

IS THERE ANYTHING IT CAN'T DO?

What Beer Can Teach Us About Emerging Technologies

(Thanks to Allen at Division)

BEAM ME UP SOME COASTERS

Star Trek: The Next Generation of coffee tables

(Thanks to Jay Brandes)

COMING SOON

Tickets here.

YOU WILL NEVER GUESS WHAT APPARENTLY WAS INVOLVED

University of Louisiana at Monroe police say a driver stopped for weaving along a main street through campus got out of the car and fell flat on the ground.

(Thanks to bayou girl)

STILL MORE TOILET NEWS FROM CHINA

Fed up with long queues for ladies, Li Tingting led 20 women into a men's public bathroom in the southern city of Guangzhou carrying colourful placards calling for equal waiting times for both sexes.

(Thanks to funny man)

IT'S A TOILET! IT'S A DESK!

It's a toilet AND a desk!

(Thanks to Joe in Japan)

ADVISORY TO MOTORISTS IN CHINA

This bridge is not finished.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

SOON WE WILL HAVE NO FUNDAMENTAL HUMAN RIGHTS LEFT

Man charged after cooking own meal at Denny's

(Thanks to jon harris and Scott Brown, who asks, "Does he end up in the Grand Slammer?")

AND THE SO-CALLED 'UNITED NATIONS' DOES NOTHING

A Norwegian family who traveled on a package tour to Bulgaria filed a formal complaint and demanded a refund, because most of the other guests at the hotel where they were staying were Bulgarians.

(Thanks to Shan Gill)

HOW WARM IS IT HERE IN MIAMI?

It's pretty warm, as we can tell by this CrapCam action photo I just took of a lizard attempting to enter my office.

MAKING THE SECOND SHOT VERY DELICATE

Phil Mickelson tee shot lands in fan's shorts

(Thanks to The Perts and Greg Snow)

IT WAS RELEASED AFTER PRODUCING A VALID FLORIDA DRIVER'S LICENSE

Police called to investigate fake cow

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

FRANCE ON HIGH ALERT

Frozen falling faeces flummox Germans

(Thanks to Greg Snow and Ralph, who asks, "Didn't Frozen Falling Faeces open for Barry Manilow?")

THERE IS NOTHING LOWER

Taiwan police bust pigeon-kidnapping ring

(Thanks to The Perts)

STEREOTYPE ALERT

Drunks vomiting shamrocks feature in top US store clothing line

(Thanks to funny man)

THE HERALD HUNT MAKES THE BASEBALL HALL OF FAME

Some of you may recall that in the most recent Herald Hunt we had a puzzle that involved an actor reading "Casey at the Bat" and some specially made baseball cards featuring players named in the poem. Andy Wenzel, a.k.a. Andy the Tropichunt.com guy, contacted the Baseball Hall of Fame and offered to donate a set of these cards. Not only did the folks at the Hall accept this offer, but they sent Andy, Tom Shroder and me official certificates:

So clearly America is doomed. 

Corrections: Andy tells me that Cooperstown contacted him, not the other way around. Also the illustrator, Otis Sweat, also received a certificate. Also America may not be doomed.

TOUGH ONE

"Will I be willing to play in lingerie? Would that detract from the actual sport itself? I'm not sure."

(Thanks to The Perts)

GUESS THE STATE, II

...reporter Adrienne Pedersen saw her live report on gas prices this morning disrupted when two cars crashed within view of the camera, just over her left shoulder.

(Thanks to Dave Roe)

THIS IS WHY WE REFUSED TO ALLOW NUCLEAR PHYSICISTS TO HOOK UP OUR DVR

'Faster than light' measurement blamed on loose cable

(Thanks to The Perts)

GUESS THE STATE

School Bus Dispatcher Suspended With Pay After Allegedly Aiding Bank Robbery

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

THIS JUST IN

A stick figure man with a giant phallus dubbed "the little horny man" by its discoverers is the oldest rock carving found yet in the Americas, researchers say.

(Thanks to Bill Hudgins, who says, "Soon to be a major motion picture starring Dominique Strauss-Kahn.")

ATTENTION, INVESTORS

A Nebraska woman is auctioning a McDonald's Chicken McNugget that she believes resembles President George Washington.

(Thanks to funny man)

FASHION ALERT

Keyboard jeans.

(Thanks to ligirl)

IT'S POSSIBLE THAT WE BLOGGED THIS ALREADY

But we can't take any chances.

(Thanks to The Amazing Steve)

THOSE TERRORIST BASTARDS

Skunk stinks up Walmart soda machine

(Thanks to jon harris)

GUESS THE STATE

Man stabbed at parade with his own pirate knife

(Thanks to Matt Filar and Allen at Division)