Dave Barry's Blog

SOON WE WILL HAVE NO FUNDAMENTAL HUMAN RIGHTS LEFT

Man arrested for possessing a buttock of Saddam

(Thanks to many people)

OUTRAGE

Harry Redknapp 'avoided tax on bungs'

(Thanks to Joe in Japan)

CANCEL THAT HAWAII TRIP

North Korea tourism re-opens

(Thanks to The Perts)

THIS IS EXACTLY WHY WE HAVE 911

Police said John R. Pacella, of the 200 block of Stanhope Drive, was arrested after a 911 call from a man who “wanted to see an officer because he wanted to fight with them.”

(Thanks to Jay Brandes)

KEEP SOME IN EVERY ROOM

Vodka: Versatile household tool!

(Thanks to The Perts)

WE WILL ALWAYS REMEMBER WHERE WE WERE WHEN WE HEARD THE AWFUL NEWS

Katy Perry Unfollows Russell Brand on Twitter

(Thanks to Chuck Cody)

SPAWN OF SATAN UPDATE

Urinating cat, not fire, caused smoke in Pa. home

WELL THAT'S A REL.... WAIT, WHAT?

‘No immediate threat’ of low-level radiation from Bed, Bath and Beyond tissue box holders

(Thanks to Unholy Slacker)

NOT TO MENTION NASCAR

Male sex drive to blame for world wars

(Thanks to Jan in Grimsby)

TERROR STALKS THE STREETS

A smiley face balloon was reported stolen out of a car parked at 1619 W. Main St. at 5:24 p.m. Wednesday, according to reports.

(Thanks to Fred Hudson)

FASHION UPDATE

Munster Chic.

(Thanks to jon harris)

NEVER BOTCH A SNAKE DEAL

Delaware County authorities are searching for a man from New York City who apparently pulled a gun and shot a guy from Doylestown this afternoon during a botched snake deal in a Ridley Township parking lot.

(Thanks to W. von Papineau)

PUT YOUR HANDS TOGETHER....

...for Crustacean-Stuffed Pants.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson, who saw them open for Country Joe and the Fish)

WAS IT GOOD FOR YOU?

Tortoise love.

(Thanks to W. von Papineau)

THEY ALSO WATCHED VERY EARLY TRAILERS FOR 'STAR WARS'

Study suggests ancient Peruvians 'ate popcorn'

(Thanks to funny man)

JUST TO BE ON THE SAFE SIDE, THE POLICE TASERED IT

Escaped 8ft tiger on hotel roof turns out to be massive stuffed toy

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

THEREBY QUALIFYING FOR FLORIDA DRIVER'S LICENSES

Dung Beetles Dance To Provide Crucial Navigation Cues

(Thanks to Ralph)

HENCE THE TERM 'MONEY OUT THE WAZOO'

South Korean customs officials say they have arrested eight men over a scheme to allegedly smuggle gold out of the country by hiding it in their rectums.

(Thanks to funny man)

THE HAND IS QUICKER THAN THE... OOPS

Top British TV Magician Saws Off Finger

(Thanks to Chris Elzi

UPDATE FROM DALLAS

Alan feels right at home here.

UPDATE FROM THE ROAD

This is the last time we let Alan rent a car.

I HAVE FAILED

You try to raise your child right, instilling her with the proper values, and then, one terrible day, she comes home from art class with this.

PUT YOUR HANDS TOGETHER

...for the Flaming Tampons!

(Thanks to 87,000 people, 93% of whom claimed to have seen them open for the Grateful Dead)

OOPS

Automated message falsely told all onboard ‘we will be making emergency landing on water’

(Thanks to Unholy Slacker, who adds, "You are now free to change your pants.)

UTAH, BASTION OF FEMINISM

Utah School Board Says Cougar Mascot Too Offensive To Women.

(Thanks to Bill Hudgins and Allen at Division)

SOON WE WILL HAVE NO RIGHTS LEFT

Sometimes you're just in the mood to pass yourself off as a ferry worker, y'know?

(Thanks to Shan Gill)

A FLORIDA DRIVER'S LICENSE....ETC.

Also, alcohol was involved.

(Thanks to Jay Brandes)

MORAL PERIL AND THE BARBIE PEDDLERS

WBAGNFARB

(Thanks to jon harris, Rick, and Joe in Japan)

LET'S TRY THIS WITH THE PRESIDENTIAL DEBATES

The County Corruption trial of Jimmy Dimora is playing out in Federal Court -- where our cameras are not allowed. 
So we're keeping you up to speed with actual, word for word, court transcripts in what 19 Action News is calling "The Puppet's Court!"

(Thanks to Don Faber and John A. Gregg)

STRUMPDATE

Alan and I spoke last night at the Commonwealth Club in San Francisco; we had a great crowd, which honored my sincere opening plea not to notice or say anything about the comically huge size of Alan's head. Today we're heading for Arizona, where tonight at 7 we'll be at the Poisoned Pen bookstore in Scottsdale. We hope you can join us, but if you do, please remember that Alan is very sensitive about his ludicrously gigantic cranium, so you should avoid making comments such as, "What is this, Easter Island?" Thank you.

STRUMPDATE FROM SAN FRANCISCO

Today Alan and I were on a local TV show called 7Live San Francisco. Among the other guests were Jennifer Grey and Dr. Chocolate. So basically we are becoming gigantic celebrities. Here's a candid photo of us "chilling" backstage before our appearance.

'PETER AND THE STARCATCHER'

It's going to Broadway.

EW

Toilet water drink man sentenced

THE NEWS FROM CALIFORNIA

This just in.

(Thanks to Mr. Ted Habte-Gabr)

STRUMPDATE

Alan and I are headed to San Francisco this morning. At 1 p.m. we'll be at Book Passage in Corte Madera, and at 7 p.m. we'll be at Kepler's in Menlo Park. Last night in L.A. we had an excellent event at the Skirball Center, with several actual stars studding the audience. Thanks to all who attended, and especially to David Steinberg for valiantly attempting to moderate us. 

UPDATE FROM LA

Here in the entertainment capital of the world, Alan and I are visiting many famous star-studded celebrity hotspots such as this.

ONE BY ONE, WE ARE LOSING OUR FUNDAMENTAL RIGHTS

Now they want to take away our pythons.

IN MIAMI, SHE'D HAVE BEEN SHOT

Driver fined $60 for being 'considerate'

(Thanks to W. von Papineau)

MORE FROM TODAY'S BLOGMAIL

Dave, I was in sunday school class studying the scrolls of the Nag Hammadi.  The comments in those scrolls are varied and some are weird, such as the Codex II Hypostasis of the Archons.  The thought came to me that some of them might be satire commentary, i.e. the comic of that day and time.  Then I realized that your teachings Dave need to be printed out and put in a ceramic vase and stored in a cave somewhere so that humans 2000 years from now can read your teachings and ponder their deeper theological meanings.  :)

Gene P.
Austin, TX

FROM TODAY'S BLOGMAIL

Dave Barry 2012

Have I missed the surging juggernaut?  Seriously, how am I supposed to send a donation?

--Hesther

Stay tuned. There have been stirrings during the book tour.
One juggernaut at a time.

OTHERWISE KNOWN AS A HAPPY MEAL

A customer told police that Baseer asked for free Chicken McNuggets in exchange for sexual favors.

(Thanks to manual tomato and a whole bunch of other guys)

IS THIS WHAT THEY CALL A ZONE DEFENSE?

Also, the dog ate his homework.

(Thanks to Unholy Slacker)

TECHNOLOGY UPDATE

In my day, pranks were a different kind of shocking.

(Thanks to funny man)

FERGUS FALLS: BOLO

Update: There's a growing reward for Curly, the missing nativity goat.

(Thanks to Carl Youngdahl)

PERHAPS THEY MEAN AS A MAIN DISH

7 Ways to Celebrate Squirrel Appreciation Day

(Thanks to Larry Maxcy)

UPDATE FROM STRUMPETVILLE

After some nice events in South Florida (thanks to all who came to see us) Alan and I are heading for California, and we believe that the plane may actually be able to take off now that Alan has shipped home approximately 83 percent of the clothes he originally packed. Generally on book tour you take one (1) carry-on bag, because you have to take many flights and make close connections. Alan showed up for this tour with a massive, uncarryable, densely packed suitcase and a garment bag. Among the items he brought were -- I am not making this up -- TWO bathing suits (one black, and one blue). As if at some point on the book tour, the schedule would say: "3 p.m. to 6 p.m. -- Swimming!"

Here's a picture, taken at our Saturday-night event in Ft. Lauderdale, showing Alan with his luggage, and me with mine.

Today, after a bunch of radio interviews, we head for Los Angeles, where tomorrow night at 7:30 we'll be interviewed by the great David Steinberg at the Skirball Center. I just hope Alan has something to wear.

STRUMPDATE

Dave and Alan in Coral Gables today

LUNATICS II

Talking about Alan's head.

LUNATICS, FT LAUDERDALE

(Thanks to Andy the tropichunt.com guy)

HE WAS JUST TESTING IT TO SEE IF IT WORKED

A man arrested this week in North Carolina may have stashed a .38 barrel revolver in his rectum, according to police...

(Thanks to Craig Roberts)