Dave Barry's Blog

JABBA

Is this the world's fattest squirrel?

(Thanks to Lani)

SEND HER TO NOTGNIHSAW

The girl who can pronounce words backwards.

(Thanks to Eht Strep)

INCREDIBLY, ETC.

After police found him asleep and surrounded by empty beer cans in an SUV that was obstructing traffic, a Chicago man urinated on the police station floor and then entertained himself by singing loudly and playing air piano, prosecutors said.

(Thanks to Unholy Slacker)

CANADA: UNTAMED FRONTIER

Clothing donation bins spark turf war in Ontario

(Thanks to The Perts) 

CSI: DOBBS FERRY

Short, Mustachioed Man Appears in Students' Living Room; Leaves Business Card

(Thanks to Niraj Bhatt)

GO FIGURE

But the happiest workers of all are in Miami.

(Thanks to The Amazing Steve, who says, "I think they're just happy to have survived the trip via I-95.")

THE THREE BUILDING BLOCKS OF LIFE

Long lines for 'sexual chocolate' beer

(Thanks to ScottMGS)

THERE IS NOTHING LOWER

Thief smashes window of unlocked car, steals woman's teeth

Actual Name of Town: "Bridgeville"

(Thanks to Matt Filar)

TIME FOR STRICT FEDERAL CONTROLS

Toledo woman accused of trying to rob store with curling iron

(Thanks to Unholy Slacker)

NOW ACCEPTING MEMBERSHIP APPLICATIONS

Donald Trumps plans cemetery near fifth-hole fairway at New Jersey golf course

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

FROM THE PEOPLE WHO BROUGHT YOU LOW-FLOW TOILETS

BOCA RATON, Fla., Jan. 29 (UPI) -- Officials say they have started repairs on the waterless urinals at a Florida high school after they began springing leaks of liquids that were not water.

(Thanks to The Perts)

STAY KLASSY, KARDASHIANS

Going topless for Sears.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

FASHION ALERT

Attack of the Giant Monoboob.

(Thanks to Catherine Cottrell)

WHAT TO DO IF A PRIMARY CAMPAIGN STRIKES YOUR AREA

Some helpful suggestions.

THE WORLD IS SPINNING OUT OF CONTROL

Women are better at parking than men, study says

(Thanks to Bob Brogan)

HE WAS AIMING FOR A DEER, BUT WHAT THE HELL

Blind Fargo hunter bags alligator in Florida Everglades

(Thanks to Fred Hudson, who notes that the hunter was promptly given a Florida driver's license)

WE WOULD LOVE TO KNOW

...what, specifically, led to this policy.

(Thanks to Unholy Slacker)

THE IDEA IS TO GET THEM DOING THE ELECTRIC SLIDE

Future Male Birth Control May Zap Sperm with Sound Waves

(Thanks to Matt Filar and Bill Hudgins, who says "This has to involve Barry Manilow somehow.")

OOPS

The 41-year-old clergyman had told parishioners earlier this month that he was going on a “spiritual retreat” for a couple of weeks to reflect on his vows, as well as meditate and pray.

(Thanks to Ralph)

THE RELENTLESS ASSAULT ON OUR PRECIOUS CONSTITUTIONAL RIGHTS CONTINUES

Man arrested in Glendale for allegedly driving without pants

(Thanks to Jay Brandes and manual tomato)

IN ORDER OF PRIORITY

Hundreds run for beer, charity in Patchogue

(Thanks to Jenny Kellner)

STRUMPDATE

Here's me on Morning Joe this morning in Miami Beach. (There's a commercial first.)

WE DON'T WANT TO ALARM ANYBODY, BUT:

The sky is snoring.

(Thanks to funny man)

SPORTS UPDATE

NJ camel predicts Giants will win the Super Bowl

(Thanks to funny man)

THIS IS NOT WHAT YOU THINK, BUT IT'S STILL PRETTY CREEPY

Sandwich woman surrenders 71 rats

(Thanks to funny man)

HEY, IF IT AIN'T BROKE....

Tablet full of crude gags and riddles about beer is found - dating back to Exodus

(Thanks to Ben Jolly)

THOSE TERRORIST BASTARDS

Unidentified haggis causes security meltdown in Scottish railway station

(Thanks to Monique, who asks, "Isn't all haggis 'unidentified'?")

WE THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME

Paris Hilton to collaborate with Snoop Dogg on new album

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

IN THE UNLIKELY EVENT THAT YOU EVER GET TIRED OF THE NATIONAL MUSTARD MUSEUM

...there's always The Pojman Pocket Protector Collection.

(Thanks to jon harris)

A THANKFUL NATION REJOICES

National Mustard Museum gets reprieve

(Thanks to Matt Filar)

 

WE SAW BLUE SPHERE SHOWER OPEN FOR PHISH

Bournemouth resident mystified by 'blue sphere shower'

(Thanks to Jay Brandes and cyberick)

A REASON TO GO ON LIVING

50 Cent promises to post naked picture of his private parts if Giants lose Super Bowl

(Thanks to Allen at Division)

AND IT WASN'T HER FUR

Cat thought to have giant tumour had furball in her stomach the size of two cricket balls

(Thanks to Chuck Cody)

WE KNEW IT

Fran Drescher: I was abducted by aliens and they implanted a chip in my hand

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

THEREBY INCURRING A SERVICE CHARGE

Man Withdraws Mouse From ATM Machine In Sweden

(Thanks to Jonathan Young and Ralph)

AS WELL THEY SHOULD

Bidders fight to own Homer Simpson-shaped glue blob on eBay

(Thanks to Ralph)

PLEASE CELEBRATE RESPONSIBLY

Cher is not dead

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

I WANT TO BE A PART OF IT... WHAT'S THAT SMELL?

Brooklyn Plant Will Use Poop to Help Power Homes

(Thanks to funny man)

JUST TO BE ON THE SAFE SIDE, THE DEPUTIES TASERED THE TV

Hudson man awoken by gunfire calls 911; deputies storm home, find shootout on TV

(Thanks to Rick Day)

"Awokened"?

CSI: HASTINGS

Hastings woman reports someone stole her chips, ate her cookies and drank her Pepsi

(Thanks to Fred Hudson)

INCREDIBLY, ALCOHOL APPEARS TO HAVE BEEN INVOLVED

A Pelion woman allegedly slipped out of her handcuffs, disabled a police car’s blue lights, destroyed its radio and radar systems and used the bathroom on the floor board during an arrest earlier this week.

(Thanks to rs)

THOSE TERRORIST BASTARDS

Now they're using churros.

(Thanks to JD)

THIS HAPPENS FAR TOO OFTEN

Python bites Madison woman's face at book club

(Thanks to Cliff Koehler)

VALENTINE'S DAY IS JUST AROUND THE CORNER...

How better to express your appreciation for that special someone than to name one of the Bronx Zoo's 58,000 Madagascar hissing cockroach after them?

(Thanks to Claire Martin)

IT LOOKS GREAT UNTIL FLIES START STICKING TO IT

Here's a cape woven from the silk of a million spiders.

(Thanks to Scott MGS)

A FLORIDA LICENSE ETC.

Woman runs herself over with own car

(Thanks to Bill Hudgins)

FORWARD IT TO WASHINGTON

Cocaine sent to U.N. headquarters

(Thanks to Brian Duval)

WHAT NETWORK EXECUTIVES ARE PAID BIG BUCKS TO THINK ABOUT

"Fear Factor" producers' plans to serve fresh glasses of donkey semen to contestants on the next episode had NBC execs so concerned ... they gave serious thought to killing the stunt, TMZ has learned.

(Thanks to Unholy Slacker)

WHAT, EXACTLY, DO WE HAVE AGAINST LOW-FLOW TOILETS?

This:

(Thanks to Kathryn)

(Sorry about the bad link before)

A SCIENTIFIC EXPLANATION FOR 'THE VIEW'

Study: Working in groups can lower your intelligence, particularly if you’re a woman

(Thanks to wiredog)