Dave Barry's Blog

FOR THE RECORD: I NEVER HEARD OF 'SUGABABE HEIDI RANGE'

And my last name is spelled with  an "a."

(Thanks to Richard the Redneck)

CSI: KENOSHA

A Kenosha News report says in one case, a 26-year-old man played a prank on his 40-year-old roommate by hiding outside the bathroom and barking when she came out. She reacted by kicking him repeatedly in the face. He was hospitalized with face and eye injuries.

(Thanks to Matt Filar)

NO JURY WOULD DARE CONVICT HIM

Australian crocodile Elvis steals lawnmower

(Thanks to jon harris, Jeff Meyerson and Janice Gelb. Also belated thanks to Ralph, Bruinhilda and Carroll Stewart.)

PARENTAL HORN-TOOTING

If you have a child who's really into computers at an early age -- figuring out how to do things you had no idea the computer could do, writing elaborate programs when he's seven years old, that kind of thing -- one day you might wake up to discover that your child, now a grown man, is doing stuff like this.

Update: Because I am an idiot not as computer literate as my son, I posted a bad link the first time. 

DESPITE MILLIONS OF YEARS OF FAILURE

The hotter the woman, the better men think chances are

(Thanks to Karen in Panama City)

WOMEN AND SHOE SALES

Do not get between them.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

GIVE HIM THE CHAIR

Inmate caught tweeting from Fulton County Jail

(Thanks to The Perts)

AN OFFICE HOLIDAY WISH

Hi Dave,

The attached is posted on the refrigerator in the office where I work.  I thought it was pretty funny.

Have a great day,

Ken Morgan

BECAUSE YOU NEED TO KNOW

Can Bees Make Tupperware?

(Thanks to James in NC, who says "I just hope they don't start inviting me to those parties.")

ANYTHING TO DECLARE?

A CZECH national was nabbed in Argentina for trying to board a transatlantic flight with 247 live animals including poisonous snakes and endangered reptiles packed in a bulging suitcase.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

TERRORISM UPDATE

Chile daily must pay readers for exploding churros

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson, who saw them open for the Flying Burrito Brothers; also thanks to Gregg in Austin)

TOYLAND, TOYLAND

The dolls giggle, coo, and then say something that sounds exactly like, "OK, crazy bitch."

(Thanks to The Perts)

ENJOY IT! BECAUSE YOU PAID FOR IT.

Great works of public art.

(Thanks to Peter Metrinko)

WAR ON CHRISTMAS UPDATE

Minn. goat chooses freedom over Nativity role

(Thanks to Monique, who sings, "Cl-i-i-i-i-mb every mountain! Ford every stream...")

CSI: MONTGOMERY, ILL.

Inflatable penguin stolen from yard

(Thanks to Ralph, who, quoting a very old joke, says "maybe it just blew a seal.")

UNCLEAR ON THE CONCEPT

Drunk Man Arrested At AA Meeting

(Thanks to Greg Snow)

CSI: SANTA FE

"First of all it's 27 degrees out and I'm thinking who's possibly going to be wearing a g-string?"

(Thanks to funny man)

'NOMINATE YOUR GNASHERS'

THE people at  Severn Trent’s sewage treatment works in Monkmoor, Shrewsbury, have showcased a job lot of dentures recovered in the system.

If you believe you may have lost your dentures in the Severn Trent sewage system, you can look for them here.

(Thanks to Ralph)

AW

Little fella's Christmas wish comes true with a new dual-flush toilet

(Thanks to Peter Metrinko)

NOBODY COULD POSSIBLY HAVE FORESEEN THIS

A Rock Island man was shot in his lower right leg and ankle when a loaded 12-gauge shotgun, which several people were passing around inside a house and posing with for pictures, discharged and struck him, Moline police said.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

GUESS THE STATE

Woman said she called 911 because she ‘ate too much food’

(Thanks to funny man)

DRAINAGE DITCH NAMING UPDATE

Kalona’s creek will not be named Horse Meat Forbidden in Japanese

(Thanks to funny man)

AND THE SO-CALLED 'UNITED NATIONS' DOES NOTHING

Hugh Hefner, Crystal Harris in a custody battle over puppy

(Thanks to akubbs)

CHRISTMAS IN MIAMI II

A python in the pool. 

APOCALYPSE UPDATE

A Scottish couple claims to have unearthed an 800-year-old stone that looks like Homer Simpson.

(Thanks to Matt Filar)

IT'S THE MOST WONDERFUL ETC.

Woman accused of punching Walmart greeter

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

HE WAS ASKING FOR IT

Man shoots self while going to bathroom

(Thanks to Unholy Slacker)

FOR THOSE WHO'VE BEEN ASKING ABOUT THE YEAR IN REVIEW:

It'll be out Sunday.

SCIENTIFIC INQUIRY OF THE DAY SO FAR

What Is Snot?

(Thanks to Vernon Bowen)

YOU BETTER WATCH OUT

Santa Claus plays Jingle Bells with a Colt 1911.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

SHE'S LUCKY IT WASN'T AN ACCORDION, OR SHE'D HAVE GOTTEN THE DEATH PENALTY

Prison sentence for piano playing 'overly stringent'

(Thanks to The Perts)

LIKE THAT HOTTIE THAT CAME OUT OF THE GUY'S CHEST IN 'ALIEN'

Dennis Hof's newest Southern Nevada business venture, The Area 51 Alien Cathouse, will see him reopen a rundown brothel with a new science fiction theme promising potential customers 'girls from another planet'.

(Thanks to Janice Gelb)

IN MIAMI, SANTA ARRIVES BY BOAT

O TANNENBAUM, DUDE

Cannabis Christmas tree lands man in jail

(Thanks to Ralph)

THE WORST: CRYING KIDS WITH BAD BODY ODOR

Travellers opt for bad body odour over crying kids

(Thanks to Unholy Slacker)

WE THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME

A Car Seat That Authenticates the Driver With Butt Recognition

(Thanks to Big Uke and Don Faber)

THANKS, U.S. BOTANIST

Most people know if they are caught under the mistletoe to kiss the person next to them, but many don't know it grows from bird droppings, a U.S. botanist says.

(Thanks to Ralph)

JUSTICE

Santa Cruz woman thwarts mugger, hands him bag of dog poop

...The man demanded the woman she give him everything she had, and he said that if she didn't, he would kick her dog.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson, Matt Filar and notsoshyjan)

YET FRUITCAKES FLY WITH IMPUNITY

A woman who just flew back home from Las Vegas says an airport security officer confiscated her frosted cupcake because he thought the icing on it could be a security risk.

(Thanks to Horace LaBadie, The Perts, Mac D, Joe in Japan, jay brandes, Rich Klinzman and Catherine)

'AN INVESTMENT'

1941 fruitcake in Ohio sells for $525

(Thanks to jon harris)

BLOG FOLKS:

Have a cool Yule.

 

AND LO, IN THE MALL, THERE WAS A FLASH MOB....

...and it was pretty good. 

(Thanks to Bill Moore)

ATTENTION, LAST-MINUTE SHOPPERS WITH A CAT PERSON ON THE LIST:

Your search is over.

(Thanks to Chuck Cody)

MONTANA SOCIAL NOTE

Man caught trying to return Bozeman woman's underwear

(Thanks to Unholy Slacker)

DON'T LET WASHINGTON FIND OUT ABOUT THIS

Quebec taxpayers pay $200,000 for escalator to nowhere

(Thanks to afkat)

CLASSY

The traditional Merry Christmas message for staff was not enough for one Portuguese police chief this year, who wished his staff 'incredible sexual relations'.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

Update: Vaguely related item here.

CANADA: LAND OF EXCITEMENT

B.C. woman hits moose on way to visit sister who hit moose

(Thanks to Bubba Squirrel)

AND THE SO-CALLED 'FEDERAL GOVERNMENT' DOES NOTHING

There's a misteltoe shortage.

(Thanks to The Perts)

OK!

Eat Naked!

(Thanks to oldfatguy)

SEND HER TO WASHINGTON

A Gweru woman on Tuesday stunned people at Kudzanayi Bus Terminus, when she defecated in full view of the public at a flea market, in protest over her stall which had allegedly been allocated to another vendor by municipal authorities.

(Thanks to Unholy Slacker)