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November 27, 2011
JUST WHEN YOU THOUGHT ASTROLOGY COULDN'T GET ANY STUPIDER
(Thanks to Mark Schlesinger)
THE CHARGE: ONLY PAUSING A MINUTE UPON HEARING THE TRAFFIC COP HOLLER 'STOP'
'Frosty the Snowman' arrested at US parade
(Thanks to Ralph, Ed Floden, The Perts, jon harris, Mark Schlesinger and Unholy Slacker)
November 26, 2011
PUT YOUR HANDS TOGETHER
...for the Hairy Microbe Fossils.
(Thanks to Bill Hudgins, who says they opened for the Grateful Dead)
PEARLAND COUNTY JAIL UPDATE
Unfortunately, our strict policy prohibits us from bringing you the Pearland County Jail Update.
(Thanks to Unholy Slacker)
BUT NOT A WORD ABOUT JERSEY SHORE
'Harry Potter and yoga are evil', says Catholic Church exorcist
(Thanks to Unholy Slacker)
NOBODY CARES ANY MORE
NEW-ZEALAND-STYLE FOREPLAY
THOSE TERRORIST BASTARDS
Boar causes panic in French record store
(Thanks to The Perts)
WHO SAYS ROMANCE IS DEAD?
(Thanks to Unholy Slacker)
MUST HAVE BEEN SOME, UM, RING
(Thanks to Unholy Slacker and Jeff Meyerson)
WE HEAR THE BOOKS HAVE THE SAME EFFECT
WELL, SURE, THIS HAS TO WORK
Woman dons bikini in effort to find dog
(Thanks to Bob Brogan)
November 25, 2011
CSI: APPLETON
College student accused of stealing day care's rabbit
(Thanks to Fred Hudson)
THERE WAS A WEDDING RING?
Men stare at breasts, women at wedding rings: study
(Thanks to Ralph)
THIS JUST IN
Giant penis mystery baffles Stockholm suburb
(Thanks to Unholy Slacker)
WAS IT GOOD FOR YOU?
(Thanks to Unholy Slacker and Jeff Meyerson)
FOR THE HALIBUT
Why did the salmon cross the road?
(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)
ATTENTION, NOBEL PRIZE JUDGES II
Aerodynamic engineer designs 'lighter than air' push-up bra for Asda
(Thanks to Mark Schlesinger)
THE GOAL: MAKING YOU SMARTER
Topless Basketball League Is In The Works
(Thanks to Mark "Lockout Schmockout" Schlesinger)
BUT MUCH, MUCH MORE RESEARCH NEEDS TO BE DONE
Staring at naked women makes you smarter: Study
(Thanks to cydstep and W. von Papineau)
MAYBE THE DEPARTMENT OF HOMELAND SECURITY COULD LOOK INTO THIS
It's Thanksgiving, and as my wife pulled the "innards" out of the turkey to get it ready to cook, I couldn't help notice how the neck, gizzard, liver and heart are WAY TOO SMALL to have come from this 22-pound bird. It used to be you actually got the "guts" the bird was born with.
As an "Eating Rights Activist", I am proposing that the U.S. Government require all turkeys to be "Numbers Matching"... that is, all of the parts they were born with come included with the bird. If you are an automobile aficionado, you look for a vehicle with all of its original parts (engine, transmission, etc.). All of the serial numbers match. I propose that we demand our turkeys be the same "numbers matching". I want a big-assed heart if I buy a big-assed-assed turkey. I think it's our right!
Terry Lehmann, Thompson, OH
ATTENTION, NOBEL PRIZE JUDGES
Bathroom surfaces full of germs, study finds
(Thanks to The Perts)
LOVELY
(Thanks to Bruce Maiman)
SOMETHING OLD, SOMETHING NEW, SOMETHING BORROWED
STAND TALL, DEPARTMENT OF HOMELAND SECURITY
The Exploding Fried Turkey Footage Contest: A Winner
(Thanks to funny man)
THE REMAINDERS WON'T CLAIM ALL THE CREDIT, BUT...
IT WAS FOR AN XBOX, SO IT'S TOTALLY JUSTIFIED
Black Friday shoppers pepper-sprayed in Calif.
(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson, Jeff Brown and Horace LaBadie)
November 24, 2011
EVEN IF YOU DON'T HAVE A PHONE
(Thanks to Ross)
HAVING HANDLED ALL THE OTHER TERRORIST THREATS
Homeland Security Issues Turkey Fryer Warning
(Thanks to Joe in Japan)
YUM
Pickled pig's foot, nibbled sausage found in Vero man's undies
(Thanks to Matt Filar)
DUH
(Thanks to funny man)
YOU CAN'T BE TOO PREPARED
(Thanks to Unholy Slacker and Joe in Japan)
FIGHTING BACK, AT LAST
County Uses Explosions To Control Squirrel Infestation
(Thanks to Ron Gibb)
THANKSGIVING IN VEGAS
HAVE A FINE THANKSGIVING
THINGS TO BE THANKFUL FOR, #4,392
Having better friends than this girl.
(Thanks to Greg, for whom I am also thankful)
November 23, 2011
ALWAYS KEEP ONE HANDY
'Hillbilly' brought chainsaw to road-rage dispute
Why You Need to Keep It Tuned Up: The terrified driver watched in horror as Tedford jerked the chainsaw’s pull cord 15 times trying to start it.
(Thanks to W. von Papineau)
ATLANTIC CITY: A NEIGHBORLY TOWN
(Thanks to Unholy Slacker)
UPDATE ON THE MIAMI GARDENS FIX-A-FLAT BUTT-ENHANCEMENT CASE
SOUNDS REASONABLE
Illinois Teenager Blames DUI Crash On Not Seeing 'Twilight' Film
(Thanks to Unholy Slacker)
CONTINUING WITH OUR EFFORT TO BE AS NONPRODUCTIVE AS POSSIBLE TODAY:
CIVIC LEADER OF THE WEEK SO FAR
Peruvian mayor concerned tap water “will turn town gay”
(Thanks to Mark Schlesinger)
DANG
San Diego Baywatch rules out exploding dead whale
(Thanks to Ralph)
HE WAS ASKING FOR IT
Officer on eviction drive beats himself up with shoe
(Thanks to Matt Filar and Unholy Slacker)
DUH BREAKTHROUGH DISCOVERY BY UNIVERSITY PROFESSOR
MEANWHILE ABROAD
Stockholm reeling from giant chipmunk shocker
(Thanks to Ed)
IT'S THANKSGIVING WEEK: TIME TO BUCKLE DOWN AND GET NONPRODUCTIVE
Here are some very cool photos from the National Geographic photo contest. (Or whatever people say instead of "cool" these days.)
(Thanks to MOTW, who suggests you chack out the caption to photo 19, which involves a highly unusual animal)
MAYBE THEY'LL TAKE A CHECK
Samoan rugby manager fined 100 pigs for losing
(Thanks to Woozy Barnes)
November 22, 2011
IS THAT A LIGHT SABER IN YOUR POCKET?
(Thanks to Bill Moore)