Dave Barry's Blog

UPDATE

GIANT LEGO MAN REQUESTS ASLYUM

(Thanks to oldfatguy)

No, we don't know what "aslyum" is. But we think he should receive it.

HEY, PEOPLE OF GREATER MIAMI, ESPECIALLY THOSE OF YOU WHO HAVE CHILDREN:

Ridey and I will be talking about The Bridge To Never Land Saturday at 2 p.m. at Books and Books in Coral Gables, a truly great bookstore (defined as, "a bookstore that also sells beer and wine"). There will be activities for kids, and Ridley and I will make fools of ourselves, not that this requires any great effort. 

MOTORISTS OF MANITOBA:

This means you.

(Thanks to The Perts)

TOTALLY JUSTIFIED

Construction worker saws parking meter in half after receiving ticket

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson and The Perts)

THE BLOG OPTS NOT TO BLOG THE FOLLOWING ITEM

Weenie.

(Thanks to nursecindy)

GUYS IN ACTION

Colorado Springs man reports woman at his home as a burglar after girlfriend shows up

(Thanks to The Perts, Mark Schlesinger, Mark Buckley, Joe in Japan and RussellMc)

NO

COLOR YOUR FOOD WITH FOOD FINISH

(Thanks to Peter Metrinko)

ATTENTION, MASCULINE MEN WHO ARE MANLY

How to carve your Halloween pumpkin using power tools

(Thanks to The Perts)

AND SOME DAY SHE MAY EVEN READ IT

Snooki signs copies of her new book

(Thanks to Joe in Japan)

OCCUPY EARTH

ALIEN SPACESHIPS TO ATTACK EARTH IN NOVEMBER!

(Thanks to funny man)

FASHION UPDATE

Armpits!

(Thanks to Mark Schlesinger)

MOVE ALONG, NOTHING TO SEE HERE

...except a three-eyed fish found near a nuclear power plant...

(Thanks to El Opinador Compulsivo, who notes, "Life imitates the Simpsons.")

HEADED TO FLORIDA, NO DOUBT

Authorities in Bainbridge say that a drunken woman, who was wearing nothing but fishnet stockings, a g-string and high heels, led them on a high speed chase along Route 422 prior to her arrest.

Imcredibly, etc.

(Thanks to Scott Tennant)

CSI: BAY VILLAGE

Man in Tinky Winky costume arrested for drunken driving

(Thanks to Stever)

FOOD CRITIC OF THE WEEK SO FAR

Cops Hunt Man Who Firebombed Taco Bell Because His Chalupas Had Too Little Meat

(Thanks to Steve @ Secret Location and Oldfatguy)

NO WORD ON WHETHER HE IS A LIAR

Trenton man's pants set on fire after he fell asleep on front porch

(Thanks to Barbara A)

THE EPIDEMIC OF TOILET SNAKES

It has spread to Canada.

(Thanks to The Perts and W. von Papineau)

THANK GOD FOR SCIENTISTS

UK scientists grow super broccoli

(Thanks to jon harris)

IT HAS BEEN ACTING SUSPICIOUSLY

A Hertfordshire man called 999 after spotting a mysterious object hovering above his house - only to find out it was the moon.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

THANKS, BUT WE'LL JUST SNIFF OUR OWN ARMPIT

Burton-on-Trent has got its own designer scent which apparently smells of Marmite, leather, pickle and beer.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

ROYAL WELCOME

He is alleged to have bared his bum and wedged an Australian flag between his buttocks while running for 50 yards beside the motorcade.

(Thanks to Ralph)

RAM CAM

EweTube: webcam to broadcast ram’s mating adventures

(Thanks to Ralph)

AS FORETOLD IN THE BIBLE

Spiders gather atop Chicago skyscrapers

(Thanks to Ralph)

SCARIEST NICKNAME EVER

Testicle Bite Woman

(Thanks to Joe in Japan)

BECAUSE THEY WERE THIRSTY?

Brazilian police say they are trying to find out why 2,600 cans of beer were delivered to a jail holding police officers charged with crimes.

(Thanks to cyberick)

A HUNKA HUNKA BURNIN' SOMETHING

60 Elvis impersonators flee fire alarm

(Thanks to cyberick)

NO DOUBT HEADED FOR A WILD EVENING AT THE ASSISTED-LIVING FACILITY

Man, 87, Arrested in Michigan with 104 Bricks of Cocaine in Vehicle

(Thanks to cyberick)

TOTALLY PLAUSIBLE

A MAN caught having sex with a donkey stunned a court on Monday by claiming that the animal was in fact a hooker he pulled from a nightclub.

(Thanks to Matt Filar)

HE ALSO WANTS A PERCENTAGE OF THE GROSS

Nana Sabaliki, a fetish priest at Sandema in the Upper East Region is demanding four red dogs, four red dats, four red goats, and four red fowls from the producer of the movie titled, 'Diawuo', to pacify his gods.

(Thanks to funny man)

THE ONE PERCENT

Zombies Are Worth Over $5 Billion To The American Economy

(Thanks to funny man)

WE SAW THEM OPEN FOR THE REGULAR TURTLES

Measures taken to protect rare bum-breathing turtles in Bundaberg

(Thanks to W. von Papineau)

IT GOES WITHOUT SAYING HE HAD A VALID FLORIDA DRIVER'S LICENSE

Giant Lego Man washes ashore in Florida

(Thanks to jon harris and Otis)

WHAT'S ON YOUR MIND, CANADA?

New documents show a focus group mistook a strand of DNA on the $100 bill for a sex toy.

(Thanks to The Perts)

BUT HE'S THE SPORTS MINISTER!

Lizard racing lands Sports Minister in hot water

Key Quote Giving Lizards More Credit Than This Blog Would: "I wouldn't be surprised if those poor lizards were quite traumatised after their experience."

(Thanks to W. von Papineau)

THE HERALD HUNT

Just a reminder that the world-famous Herald Hunt will return on Sunday, Nov. 13, at the new Miami Marlins Stadium, starting at noon. The Hunt is a fun family event, and you could win one of three swell cruises on Norwegian Cruise Lines. You could also go insane, but we mean that in a good way.

The official Herald Hunt site has videos summarizing the previous four Herald Hunts. You can also find lots of information at Andy Wenzel's site, TropicHunt.com.

If you want to partcipate, get a copy of the Nov. 13 Miami Herald, read the instructions in the special Hunt section and be at the stadium by noon. We hope to see you there. Please do not hurt us.

HANDY

Man has phone built in to arm

(Thanks to Andrew Hoenig)

ARE YOU TALKING TO buuurrrrpppp ME?

Teen violence linked to soda

(Thanks to Mark Schlesinger)

UTAH TRAFFIC ADVISORY

A highway in the US state of Utah was temporarily closed after a lorry carrying at least 20 million bees overturned, freeing the insects.

(Thanks to Joe in Japan and The Perts)

GUYS IN ACTION

The man told police that he had been stuck in the swing since 9 p.m. Friday after he allegedly made a $100 bet with his friends. He proceeded to lube himself with laundry detergent to get into the swing, police said.

(Thanks to Don Faber, Larry Maxcy and cyberick)

WAIT A MINUTE...

A 60-year-old New York man suing a music competition for age discrimination claims the 88-year-old judge assigned to his case is "unable to function."

(Thanks to Ralph)

HMM

Woman steals 26 boxes of condoms, ovulation test

(Thanks to Unholy Slacker and Ralph)

THE VIOLENT DOG UPRISING

Soon. Very soon.

(Thanks to Mark Schlesinger)

GOOD TO KNOW THEY HAVE STANDARDS

A RYANAIR plane with 200 passengers on board had to turn back after tape used to patch up a pilot's window came loose.

(Thanks to Steve @ Secret Location)

IF YOU SEE ONLY ONE ADVERTISEMENT THIS YEAR FOR A CUBAN GYNECOLOGIST WHO IS NOW SELLING USED CARS...

...make it this one.

(Thanks to Claire Martin)

HOW DID THEY GET THE BUFFALO TO SWALLOW THEM?

Ontario football fans dig through buffalo dung for Bills tickets

(Thanks to The Perts)

THIS JUST IN FROM THE MEMBERS OF THE FRENCH NATIONAL ACADEMY OF SURGERY

In its latest declaration, the academy has published the average measurements of a man's tackle in an effort to discourage men from going through potentially dangerous penis enlargement procedures.

(Thanks to Mark Schlesinger)

THEREBY FREEING HUMANS TO ENGAGE IN MORE-PRODUCTIVE ACTIVITIES, SUCH AS TWISTER

The Chinese have built robots that can play ping pong.

(Thanks to The Perts)

TODAY'S SPOTLIGHT ON CIVIL WAR GENERALS

Unfortunately, our strict policy prohibits us from bringing you Today's Spotlight on Civil War Generals.

(Thanks to Unholy Slacker)

ADVISORY TO MEN:

Be careful.

(Thanks to Yvonne Fortin and Mark Schlesinger)

THANK GOD FOR RESEARCH

The research shows men who spend even a few minutes in the company of an attractive woman perform less well in tests designed to measure brain function than those who chat to someone they do not find attractive.

(Thanks to The Perts)