Dave Barry's Blog

HARDLY USED

Bargain coffins from Transylvania

(Thanks to jon harris)

WHICH EXPLAINS WHY SO MANY SECURITIES-FRAUD PROSECUTIONS END IN SPANKINGS

A well-respected lawyer in the state Attorney General’s Office spends her days toiling in securities fraud -- and her nights moonlighting as a dominatrix, The Post has learned.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

IS THERE ANYTHING IT CAN'T DO?

When beer saves lives

(Thanks to Allen at Division)

 

TOTALLY JUSTIFIED

A man who became incensed by the non-stop coughing of his neighbours ended up stealing two cars before being caught after a police chase.

(Thanks to Mark Schlesinger)

A MISTAKE ANYONE COULD HAVE MADE

An Oregon man pressed his luck one too many times and spent the night in a Nebraska detox cell after twice mistaking a police station for a casino and asking authorities for blackjack chips.

(Thanks to R&L Stevenson)

PEOPLE OF GREATER LOS ANGELES:

Ridley and I will be talking about The Bridge to Never Land Thursday Evening at Track 16 at Bergamot Station in Santa Monica for the Live Talks Los Angeles series. The reception starts at 6:30. We hope you can join us. Ridley will kick the evening off by attempting to perform the overture to Porgy and Bess using only armpit noises.

WHAT COULD POSSIBLY GO WRONG?

A TRIPLE axe murderer has been let loose in public – to chop down trees.

(Thanks to Lani, and Fred Hudson)

SEND IT TO... NEVER MIND, IT'S ALREADY HEADED THAT WAY

Manure Spill Over Mile Long Closes Md. Road

(Thanks to Mark Schlesinger, Bill Hudgins, Unholy Slacker and Ralph)

IT'S TIME TO PLAY.... GUESS THE STATE!

Retail merchant account provider MerchantService.com will give a voucher good for a free AK-47 assault rifle to new customers, depending on the amount of business they do.

(Thanks to LArry Martell and Sharon Lurie)

YOUR DAILY WILDFIRE REPORT

Unfortunately, our strict policy prhibits us from bringing you your Daily Wildfire Report.

(Thanks to B'game)

INSPARRRRRATIONAL

Drivers greeted with giant sheep's skull

(Thanks to Ralph)

NOW THEY'VE GONE TOO FARRRR

Planking taken to a new level of smelly

(Thanks to Mark Schlesingarrrrr)

WAIT... ARRR THEY SAYING SPERM HAVE HAIR??

Sperm bank turns down redheads

(Thanks to tc and Joe in Japan)

WE MAY BE NUMBER 100 IN EDUCATION, ME HEARTIES, BUT WE'RE NUMBER ONE IN THIS

Florida has the world's worst invasive amphibian and reptile problem.

And they all have etc.

(Thanks to Jeff Matthews)

THEY SHOULD HAVE KEELHAULED THE SCURVY TERRORIST DOG

Airport security tries to confiscate Kevin Rudd's Vegemite

(Thanks to Ralph)

ARRR THEY DOING DRUGS IN ENGLAND?

You be the judge, matey.

 

(Thanks to Janice Gelb)

BARRRRBECUE TIME

Wild hog bursts into Goliad Whataburger

(Thanks to Robert Harrrrrvey)

IT BE A HARRRRD JOB

Aaron Sorkin breaks his own nose -- while writing

(Thanks to Janice Gelb)

CSI: ARRRRRRKANSAS

Police are trying to find out who has been trying to suck women's toes in central Arkansas.

(Thanks to jon harrrris)

ARRRTHENTIC

Rabid dead bat found in Olympia fabric store's Halloween display

(Thanks to Craig Roberts)

THE NEW YARRRRRK TIMES CROSSWORD PUZZLE

It be piratical today, me hearties.

(Thanks to Howarrrd from Browarrrd)

AVAST, MIAMI!

Number 100.

(Thanks to nursecindy)

THEY SHIVERED HIS TIMBER

Two young women were convicted of sexual assault in the Zürich district court on Tuesday after seeking revenge on their philandering ex-lover last summer by gluing his testicles to his thigh and decorating his genital area with pink feathers.

(Thanks to Mark Schlesinger)

BUCCANEARS IN THE NEWS

Hero rabbit saves owners from house fire in Alaska

(Thanks to Rick Day)

THEY ALSO HAVE VALID FLARRRRRRIDA LICENSES

A retired farmer living in Brazil says he speaks to pineapples – and they talk back.

(Thanks to Ralph)

SURE AND BEGARRRRRRRRAH

DID ZOMBIES ROAM MEDIEVAL IRELAND?

(Thanks to Carrrl)

GUESS THE STATE, MATEYS

At this point, amazingly, Smith spotted an opossum crossing the road and slammed on the brakes, “causing the female to slide out of her seat and mildly into the dashboard.” The report does not make clear whether she still had Smith’s sheathed fake penis in her mouth at the time.

(Thanks to Bill Hudgins)

SEND THEM TO WARRRSHINGTON

Squirrels nearly bring Senate to a halt

(Thanks to The Perts)

ARRR

Changes to access of babies' heel pricks

(Thanks to Joe in Japan)

ARRR

The vagina is becoming big business on American TV.

(Thanks to Joe in Japan)

ARRR

Now this be how to celebrate Talk Like a Pirate Day.

UPDATE

Sorry about the lack of posting, but this weekend I'm working frantically to finish a book I'm writing with my good but insane friend Alan Zweibel -- a book that was due a couple of weeks ago but (don't tell the editor) isn't quiiite finished yet, even though it already has a cover.

But I did want to remind everyone that tomorrow is International Talk Like a Pirate Day, an important spiritual holiday marked by joyful observances all over the world. Arr. And I mean it.

TRAGICALLY, THIS TURNS OUT NOT TO BE A EUPHEMISM

Jamie Lee Curtis caught hiding a scooter in the bushes

(Thanks to Craig Roberts)

NEW JERSEY CIVIL RIGHTS UPDATE

Unfortunately, our strict policy prohibits us from presenting the New Jersey Civil Rights Update.

(Thanks to Mark Schlesinger)

Update: And the same goes for this week's Genealogy Report, which we are also unable to present. We regret the inconvenience.

(Thanks to The Amazing Steve)

GOOD NAME FOR A ROCK BAND?

No.

CAUTION: Bad word.

(Thanks to Joe in Japan)

SPECIALIST

Spotted in Virginia by Alison McQuade:

OUR DOG STILL HASN'T FIGURED OUT HOW TO JUMP INTO THE CAR

Thirteen dogs jump rope for a new world record

Be sure to watch the video.

(Thanks to The Perts)

SOMEBODY CALL 911

Kirstie Alley has lost an Olsen Twin.

(Thanks to ricefarm)

FUN COUPLE

Ala Ali Saleem Al-Momani, 31, claims his wife, Sahar El Faouri, would throw a cat at him in a bid to harm him.

(Thanks to Janice Gelb)

AND THEY ALL HAVE VALID DRIVERS' LICENSES

Giant African Land Snails Return To South Florida

(Thanks to Fred Hudson)

WHICH IS SAYING A LOT

Toronto strippers among 'most intellectual'

WARNING: Photo of intellectual.

(Thanks to The Perts and Jeffrey Brown)

THE COMMODE IN THE RYE

J.D. Salinger Toilet Offered For $1M

(Thanks to Poker)

THAT'S WHERE THE YOUNG GUYS HANG OUT

Cougar sighted near First Ave. Hy-Vee

(Thanks to Dan)

AND ORLANDO IS THE MOTHER LODE

Orlando fat bank aims to let patients store removed fat for future use

(Thanks to Matt Filar)

IF THIS ISN'T WHY WE HAVE 911, THEN WHAT THE HELL IS?

Kimbell: "You can't walk up, you've got to drive up. You got a get a DUI to get a taco. I got the munchies and I walked a quarter mile from here. Are you going to help me out or do I have to get arrested to get home? You know what I'm saying?"

911: "Well, we're not going to take you home." 

Kimbell: "I want you to call the manager at the Taco Bell."

(Thanks to B'game)

A FLORIDA LICENSE ETC.

TIVERTON — An 86-year-old woman became trapped in her car late Wednesday morning when she drove it through a guard rail and onto an outdoor stairwell at Tiverton's Essex Public Library.

(Thanks to Monique)

A GIANT LEAP FOR MANKIND

Firm Wins Battle to Register F-Word as Trademark

Caution: F-Word.

(Thanks to Carl Youngdahl)

SPEAKING OF SNOOKI NEWS YOU CAN USE

How to artificially inseminate a rhino

(Thanks to Jeffrey Brown)

ENOUGH TO COVER THE BAR TAB FOR NEARLY TWO NIGHTS

MTV's 'Jersey Shore' costs taxpayers $420K

(Thanks to Mark Schlesinger)

IF YOU WATCH ONLY ONE TV COMMERCIAL FOR A TAXIDERMIST THIS YEAR...

...make it this one.

UPDATE: That didn't take long.

(Thanks to Claire Martin)