Dave Barry's Blog

AND THEY ALL HAVE VALID FLORIDA LICENSES

The federal government has doled out more than $600 million in benefit payments to dead people over the past five years, a watchdog report says.

(Thanks to Mark Schlesinger)

HERE KITTY KITTY

An avid animal lover who has four dogs and a bird, the Brooklyn native will mummify pets - cats, bunnies, birds, frogs, whatever - that weigh up to 100 pounds.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

MEANWHILE DOWN UNDER

'Balls-up' no problem for Johnson

(Thanks to Joe in Japan)

DOO-DAH, DOO-DAH

Te Papa in haka row

(Thanks to The Perts)

FUN COUPLE

A San Carlos Park man is accused of duct taping his girlfriend during an altercation over their pet iguana.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson and Ralph)

SAN FRANCISCO STRUMPDATE

This evening at 5 Ridley and I will be talking about The Bridge to Never Land at Books Inc. in Laurel Village, 3515 California Street, San Francisco. We'd love to see you there. Ridley will be wearing tie-dyed underwear. Don't ask how I know this.

ST. STEPHEN'S COLLEGE ALUMNI NEWS

Unfortunately, our strict policy prohibits us from presenting the St. Stephen's College Alumni News.

(Thanks to Unholy Slacker and Matt Filar)

JUST WHEN YOU THOUGHT THE TV INDUSTRY COULDN'T GET ANY MORE CREATIVE

Extreme Musical Chairs.

(Thank to Jeff Meyerson)

REALLY BAD NAME FOR A ROCK BAND

Put your hands togeter for Groin Smash Horror.

(Thanks to Bill Moore)

GOT A LIGHT?

Death in Ireland ruled as 'spontaneous human combustion'

(Thanks to Ralph)

TOUGH CALL

Offenders in Ala. town can choose jail or church

(Thanks to jon harris)

OTHER THAN THAT, IT WAS A FLAWLESS OPERATION

Kenya's national army was called to put out an apartment building blaze in Kiambu after TWO failed attempts by two different fire departments--one fire truck had no water and the other fire engine caught on fire.

(Thankas to Charlie Carballo)

SNOOKI?

What name would you give to a species of Antarctic, sea-dwelling worm that spends its time 2000 metres below the water's surface, wriggling in the rotting carcasses of whales?

(Thanks to Joe in Japan)

FORGET ABOUT DISNEY WORLD, KIDS....

...we're going to the Museum of Insurance!

(Thanks to jon harris)

YET ANOTHER CRITICAL AREA IN WHICH WE ARE FALLING BEHIND CHINA

A Chinese daredevil wowed crowds as he effortlessly pulled a hefty car for more than ten meters... using just his ears.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

INDIANA ART UPDATE

Decorator turns baseball into world's largest ball of paint

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

WE ASSUME THIS IS ABOUT CHARLIE SHEEN

"We, the undersigned, strongly urge the President of the United States to formally acknowledge an extraterrestrial presence engaging the human race and immediately release into the public domain all files from all agencies and military services relevant to this phenomenon."

(Thanks to Ralph)

IT'S ALWAYS THE LAST PLACE YOU LOOK

A long-lost, highly valuable Moon rock brought back from the Apollo 17 mission has turned up in the files of Bill Clinton.

(Thanks to Chris Elzi)

NOT CREEPY AT ALL!

How much breast milk will it take to nourish a grown man? How many days can a grown man life off breast milk comfortably?

(Thanks to Lani)

YOU KNOW THAT SATELLITE THAT'S GOING TO CRASH TO EARTH?

That's not the only thing you should be worried about.

(Thanks to jon harris)

FUN GAL

West Virginia woman busted for allegedly stealing a hearse with dead body inside

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

Update: More-entertaining version here.

(Thanks to Albert York)

WHICH IS OF COURSE THE WHOLE POINT

Ben & Jerry’s ‘Schweddy Balls’ ice cream not so popular with some moms

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

WE SAW PERRY MASON DO THIS ONCE

Patel, who said Armstrong held a knife to her throat, was so rattled by the trial she fainted on the witness stand. Family member and business partner Meena Patel removed her sneaker and held it to Falguni Patel's nose, attempting to revive her with the odor.

(Thanks to Unholy Slacker)

DATING ADVICE OF THE DAY SO FAR

“I'd warn anyone who's in a relationship with a dolphin. You have to plan an exit strategy,” says Mr Brenner.

(Thanks to Unholy Slacker)

THAT SHOULD LIVEN THE PLACE UP

Mexico's Bimbo completes purchase of Fargo

(Thanks to funny man)

THE STOCK MARKET IS, ONCE AGAIN, IN THE TOILET

Time to get productive.

(Thanks to The Amazing Steve)

AT WHICH POINT THEY WILL BE ISSUED FLORIDA DRIVERS' LICENSES

A local town council in central Turkey has built a morgue with a warning system in case dead bodies come back to life.

(Thanks to Mark Schlesinger)

ATTENTION ALL UNITS

The World's Largest Egg Hat has been stolen.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson and Anil Haji)

WE ALSO FEEL LOUSY DURING CHILDBIRTH, BUT YOU DON'T HEAR US COMPLAINING

Men Feel Worse Than Women When Sick

(Thanks to Don Faber)

AS IS HIS CONSTITUTIONAL RIGHT

Man Threatened Taco Bell Employee with Shotgun after Forgetting Hot Sauce

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson, Jeffrey Brown and Chris Elzi)

TODAY'S FEATURED MYSTERY SERIES

Unfortunately our strict policy prohibits us from presenting Today's Featured Mystery Series.

(Thanks to Brian Jones)

MEANWHILE DOWN UNDER

Australian mega-brothel scotched

(Thanks to Allen at Division)

LIVE FREE OR DIE

BEDFORD, N.H. -- A Bedford police radar trailer was shot with a handgun three times sometime overnight from Saturday to Sunday, police said.

(Thanks to Poker)

PARENTHOOD

Italian parents bring in lawyers to evict 41-year-old stay at home son

(Thanks to Anil Haji and Mark Schlesinger)

WE SAW THEM OPEN FOR PHISH

Space Chicken

(Thanks to The Perts)

WHY JUST burrrrppp EUROPE?

How to Fix Europe's Economic Woes: Drink More Beer

(Thanks to wiredog)

IT'S TIME TO PLAY.... GUESS THE STATE!

"It's a whole gang of drag queens."

(Thanks to Jeffrey Brown)

WAIT... THE DOG WAS DRIVING?

Several witnesses called police Friday morning to report a woman driving in her car with a small dog attached by a leash, driving at speeds of 10 to 15 mph.

(Thanks to Mark Schlesinger)

CANADA: A NATION OUT OF CONTROL

Man accused of parrot fraud

(Thanks to Unholy Slacker)

THOSE THINGS SHOULD BE REQUIRED TO CARRY WARNING LABELS

Metal-eating 80-year-old retires after choking on bike pedal

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson and Ed Doherty)

THERE IS NOTHING LEFT TO BELIEVE IN

Gordon Ramsay’s Badger-Eaten Porn Dwarf: Just a Myth?

(Thanks to jon harris)

YOU WANT RAID WITH THAT?

Dear Dave --

I work in southern Japan as a public school English teacher, and one of my favorite books is Dave Barry Does Japan. It always makes me feel better when I'm a little culture-shocked or homesick. I wanted to write in with an update on the food situation here. Until today, I thought I was pretty familiar and comfortable with Japanese food, having even tried horse sashimi at one point, but this afternoon, I went to the staff lunchroom to discover rice balls with mushrooms, cabbage, carrots, and hornet larvae. I was sure that it was a prank by the school principal, but several of the teachers informed me that this is relatively common in the Japanese countryside in autumn. Apparently, things are much worse here than we thought.

-- Garrett Groesbeck

HAS ANYBODY SEEN CHUCK TESTA LATELY?

Police in Fayette County are on the hunt for as many as five men — possibly with backaches — who stole an 8-foot-tall, 800-pound, mounted grizzly bear from the second-floor of a Uniontown bar.

(Thanks to Janice Gelb)

ESPECIALLY AFTER THAT FOURTH BEER

For this one squid species, any sex will do

(Thanks to The Perts)

YOU KNOW HOW WOMEN ARE ALWAYS CLAIMING THEY'RE INTERESTED IN A MAN'S INNER BEAUTY?

Hah.

(Thanks to jon harris)

WELL, DUH

Woman With Two Uteruses Has Twins

(Thanks to Chies Elzi)

SOON WE WILL HAVE NO CONSTITUTIONAL RIGHTS LEFT

Human Skull On Craigslist Draws Cops' Attention

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

THIS LINE NEVER WORKED FOR US

Ladies: Come to Thailand and get your breasts slapped

(Thanks to Jeffrey Brown and Greg Snow, who says "outsourcing has gone too far.")

ATTENTION, NOBEL PRIZE JUDGES

Somebody is finally doing something about those hateful little ketchup packets. 

(Thanks to Peter Metrinko)

HOW THE WEST WAS WON

Remote control.

(Thanks to jon harris)