Dave Barry's Blog

SUAVE

Police in North Carolina said a couple's first date was interrupted when a man accidentally shot himself in a parking garage.

(Thanks to Ralph)

WHAT COULD POSSIBLY GO WRONG?

New York Abandons Eye Exams For Driver's Licenses

The state will allow people to certify that they can see, rather than actually taking an exam

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

YOUR NIGHTMARE IS OVER, NEW JERSEY

Cape May County woman surrenders six chickens deemed illegal

(Thanks to Monique)

YOU ARE NOW FREE TO CHANGE YOUR UNDERWEAR

Plane almost upside-down after co-pilot presses wrong button

(Thanks to The Perts)

IT HAS RETAINED COUNSEL

An indestructible duck hit by a car at almost 100kmh survived with bruises after getting stuck inside the vehicle's grill for a day.

(Thanks to Bill Moore)

BRILLIANT

Temporary marriage licenses.

(Thanks to Bob Brogan)

NOT TO MENTION AMONG THE COWS AND YAKS

...recently a dress made from 3,000 cow and yak nipples has caused uproar among animal rights activists and politicians.

(Thanks to Unholy Slacker and Larry Martell)

SO KEEP AN EYE OUT FOR THE OTHER ONE

A Los Angeles woman is speaking out about a botched plastic surgery that left her with symmastia, or a “uniboob.”

(Thanks to Dan Barr)

SAVVY MARKETING

7-Eleven stores in Taiwan pull Hitler lookalike items

(Thanks to Unholy Slacker)

TODAY'S TIP FOR AMATEUR MAGICIANS:

There is a right time, and a wrong time, to perform a trick involving the sudden appearance of a brassiere. Here's a good example of a wrong time.  

Fewer than 10 people sat in the audience. Four school committee members sat at the meeting table with the superintendent and the high school student representative. Two other school officials sat at another table.

No one in the meeting room at town hall laughed or made a comment about the trick.

(Thanks to Unholy Slacker, Jeff Meyerson, Bob Brogan and Jeffrey Brown)

OTHER THAN THAT IT WAS VERY ROMANTIC

Girl swallows necklace hidden in cake

(Thanks to Anil Haji)

THAT WOULD CHANGE THEIR TUNE

Traveller attempts to smuggle hummingbirds in his underpants

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

CANADA: LAND OF THE BOLD

Keating then learned his regular postal worker would not cross the path to his front door because there was a spider web across it.

(Thanks to The Perts, Ralph and W. von Papineau)

THIS JUST IN

Little Hooker to close

(Thanks to funny man)

WHY WE NEED GUYS

Guys move furniture.

(Thanks to Mark Schlesinger and Jeff Meyerson)

THEY WERE RELEASED AFTER PRODUCING VALID FLORIDA DRIVERS' LICENSES

Drunken Fishermen Ram Atomic Submarine

(Thanks to funny man)

GOES GREAT WITH THEIR FAKE-POOP-STAIN BRIEFS

Starbucks sells $85 T-shirt with fake coffee stain

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

DO NOT CLICK ON THIS LINK

Nancy Grace suffers an embarrassing wardrobe malfunction as her dress slips down on Dancing with the Stars

(Thanks to John Gregg)

FLORIDA SPORTS UPDATE

A 23-year-old man on Sept. 19 told deputies his "female roommate" whacked him with a golf club, which the roommate apparently identified as a six iron.

"He said that they got into an argument over porn," the report states. "She told him to get away from her and he did not. She then grabbed a golf club and started beating him with it."

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

OKTOBERFEST UPDATE

Alcohol appears to have been involved.

(Thanks to Joe in Japan)

A FLAWLESS PLAN

A California man is facing charges after police say he used an inhaler to steal beer from two men before using his head to break the windshield of a police cruiser.

(Thanks to Mark Schlesinger)

Dear Dave,

A friend of mine recently posted the following quotation of yours as her Facebook status:

"Scientists tell us that the fastest animal on earth, with a top speed of 120 ft/sec, is a cow that has been dropped out of a helicopter."

Since it was a boring day at work I decided to quibble thusly in response: "I may be quibbling, but wouldn't that particular animal be above the earth until the moment of impact at which point it's velocity is dramatically reduced?" A fair point I feel, if perhaps not in the intended spirit.

My friend replied: "You are quibbling and maybe one day, after spending many years seeking out Dave Barry, you can tell him that you have a 'quibble' to take up with him :)" Challenge accepted. I would like to inform you, sir, that I have a quibble to take up with you.   Namely, a cow dropped from a helicopter does not qualify (for the reason stated above) as the fastest animal on Earth.  I realize that this claim was made by "scientists" but perhaps you could be so kind as to reveal your source.

Thanks,

Scott Mullenix

Ottawa, ON, Canada

Dear Scott --

No offense, but: You idiot. The cow is still going very, very fast when it makes contact with -- and is therefore "on" -- the Earth. This was verified by a groundbreaking experiment conducted in 1953 by Albert Einstein at a cocktail party.

You're welcome,

Dave Barry, Ph.D.

EXCEPT IN FLORIDA, WHERE EVEN THE DRIVER CAN'T DO THAT

One of the world's largest motor manufacturers is working with scientists based in Switzerland to design a car that can read its driver's mind and predict his or her next move.

(Thanks to oldfatguy)

CHRISTMAS IS COMING

...and The Blog is away. So the experienced among you already know if you want to click this link.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

ARKANSAS SOCIAL NOTE

"Toe Suck Fairy" arrested on new charges

(Thanks to Don Faber)

WE HAVE THE SAME RULE

Northern Ireland farmer Alan Graham says he doesn’t know who Rihanna is but she must keep her top on while performing on his land.

(Thanks to Poker)

THOSE TERRORIST BASTARDS

Now they're using toilets.

(Thanks to Steve Wax)

PEOPLE OF GREATER CHICAGO:

At 7 tonight Ridley and I will be strumpeting for The Bridge to Never Land at Anderson's, 123 West Jefferson Avenue in Naperville. We will be raffling off a live alderman.

YIKES

That is a large bunny.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

SHE HAS THIS BLOG'S FULL SUPPORT

Busty Mannequin, Barbe-Q, Running For Reading, Ohio Mayor

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

BUT FOR PEOPLE, NOT SO MUCH

“This isn’t something I normally do,” Conard said... “I just have a respect for fine musical instruments.”

(Thanks to Jeffrey P. Brown and Patrick Lenon)

THE GLAMOUR OF BOOK TOUR

On book tour you often do interviews with radio stations from your hotel room. If there are two authors, you have to use two hotel-room phones. Sometimes one of these phones is in the bathroom. So if you're listening to an author being interviewed on the radio, bear in mind that the author might look something like this:

LEDE OF THE DAY

A 78-year-old woman famous for streaking on an airline information video has rescued a man who fell into a creek he was trying to urinate in.

(Thanks to Kaffy)

CALIFORNIA STRUMPDATE

At 7 tonight Ridley and I will be talking about The Bridge to Never Land at Kepler's, 1010 El Camino Real, Menlo Park. You will want to attend, because after our talk Ridley will demonstrate how to artificially inseminate an ostrich using ordinary kitchen utensils. 

ATTENTION, NOBEL COMMITTE:

A weary world rejoices.

(Thanks to Mark Schlesinger)

THEY SHOULD HAVE GONE WITH CHOCOLATE

Patrons mistake ice cream shop mascot for KKK robes

(Thanks to Dan Barr and Mark Schlesinger)

TASTEFUL

Doritos creator dies at 97... and his family wants to sprinkle them over his body before he is buried

(Thanks to jon harris and cyberick)

ADVISORY TO BRAZILIAN BEACHGOERS PLANNING TO SWIM:

Don't.

(Thanks to Loudmouth, Jeff Meyerson, Mark Schlesinger, Oldfatguy and cyberick)

WHO SAYS ALL THE GREAT ACHIEVEMENTS HAVE ALREADY BEEN ACHIEVED?

Not this blog.

(Thanks to jon harris)

THEY'RE ALWAYS IN THE LAST PLACE YOU LOOK

The dog was presented for lameness in a hind leg, and while taking radiographs looking for musculoskeletal abnormalities, nine handballs were discovered as an incidental finding.

(Thanks to jon harris and Claire Martin)

GUESS THE STATE, PART II

Thousands run in underwear to protest Utah¹ laws.

¹Come on, you know it could still be Florida.

(Thanks to many people wearing underwear.)

GUESS THE STATE

...where someone is stupid enough to walk towards a gator fight...and hang out a few feet away discussing the extent of the gators' injuries.

(Thanks to Larry Martell, unless it's already been blogged, in which case, thanks a LOT, Larry.)

WOMEN AND SPORTS

The Blog is lucky he wrote this in 1985; he can claim... well... hmmm. We are fresh out of excuses. Perhaps you can help.

NOTE: THIS IS NOT ABOUT WASHINGTON DC

Here in pig country, the pigs are vanishing.

(Thanks to Matt Filar)

CALIFORNIA

Land of the Useless But Scary Warning Sign

IT MAKES AT LEAST AS MUCH SENSE AS THE IOWA CAUCUSES

Rob Oakeshott mounts huge toilet for water and sanitation campaign

(Thanks to funny man)

WE'RE SURE THERE'S A PERFECTLY LOGICAL EXPLANATION

A woman was arrested on burglary charges after being found standing in a person’s garage naked with items loaded in the back of a truck, Collier County sheriff's deputies say.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

WANGS IN THE NEWS

They are everywhere.

(Thanks to funny man)

WHICH IS WHY THEY WALK THAT WAY

The male Siberian hamster, for example, experiences a swelling of the testes up to almost 17 times their normal size when the days get shorter.

(Thanks to B'game, who says "This explains Mick Jagger.")

THERE IS NOTHING LOWER

Woman jailed after throwing a duck in Santa Cruz

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)