Dave Barry's Blog

IN GAINESVILLE, THIS IS CONSIDERED BUSINESS CASUAL

Arrested man had mop, bucket — but no pants

(Thanks to Unholy Slacker)

AND IT HAD A VALID FLORIDA DRIVER'S LICENSE

Woman Catches Prosthetic Leg While Fishing On Lake Ida

(Thanks to Fred Hudson

AND THE SO-CALLED 'UNITED NATIONS HUMAN RIGHTS COUNCIL' DOES NOTHING

Victoria's Secret Model's Privates Bruised By Panties

(Thanks to Mark Schlesinger)

I WANT TO BE A PART OF IT, NEW YORK, NEW YORK

An earthquake, a hurricane, and now this.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson, Lani, and Mark Schlesinger, who speculates that it's a reality-TV producer)

IT WAS TOTALLY ASKING FOR IT

Woman attacks cash machine with stiletto

(Thanks to Ralph)

CATTLE RUSTLING

Still a bad idea.

(Thanks to PhilinTexas)

KIND OF LIKE THELMA AND LOUISE, EXCEPT IT'S A ROOSTER IN ZILWAUKEE ('ZILWAUKEE?')

ZILWAUKEE, Mich. (AP) - A runaway rooster remains at large after eluding a Michigan State Police trooper and taking a leap from a bridge.

(Thanks to Jimmy Madigan)

WISCONSIN CRIME REPORT

Unfortunately, our strict policy prohibits us from presenting the Wisconsin Crime Report.

(Thanks to Patrick Lennon)

EMAIL FROM SOMEBODY WHO APPARENTLY HAS CONFUSED THIS BLOG WITH SOMEBODY WHO WOULD KNOW WHO 'RIHANNA' IS, AND WHAT THE 'V FESTIVAL' IS

Editors—

After an appearance at the V Festival, there has been speculation as to whether or not Rihanna had any plastic surgery procedures after a scar was detected under her chin. Did she go under the knife? Ask the experts.

I work with several top plastic surgeons in the country that can provide commentary. Please let me know if you are interested.

Best,

Ghazal

Ghazal Hajizadeh

Account Executive

KMR Communications, Inc.

419 Park Ave South, Suite 406

New York, NY 10016

NOW IT CAN BE TOLD

The Inside Scoop on the Fake Barf Industry

(Thanks to Jeffrey Brown)

SEND THESE BAR-OWNERS TO WASHINGTON

Some bar-owners in Michigan want to ban state legislators.

(Thanks to KJP)

INCREDIBLY, COPACABANA IS STILL LEGAL

China has banned 100 songs from being featured on websites, barring artists ranging from Lady Gaga to the Backstreet Boys apparently for being out of tune with the country's cultural authorities.

(Thanks to R&L Stevenson)

WE ARE ON OUR WAY OUTRAGED

A bikini barista has been charged with doing sexually explicit dances in her Java Juggs espresso stand, which allegedly was equipped with a floor-to-ceiling stripper pole.

(Thanks to Craig Roberts)

MEDICAL NEWS FOR MEN

We regret that we are too faint to present today's edition of Medical News for Men.

(Thanks to Unholy Slacker)

HOW DO WE, AS A NATION, GO ON?

Paris Hilton reality show, 'The World According to Paris,' canceled by Oxygen after one season

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

LEST WE FORGET

New York City earthquake inspires at least one 'I survived the quake' tattoo

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

EVEN FOR SQUIRRELS...

...this is low.

(Thanks to jon harris)

CLASSY!

A couple of Pennsylvania newlyweds are behind bars after police say they were caught shoplifting food from a supermarket for their wedding reception.

(Thanks to jon harris)

PRAISE THE LORD, BUT NOT IN STILETTO HEELS

The inflatable church.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

TIME FOR STRICT FEDERAL CONTROLS

Paintball bursts breast implant

(Thanks to Ralph)

'I HAVE NO IDEA HOW THEY GOT THERE, OFFICER'

Arizona Man Arrested for Stealing Snakes in His Pants

(Thanks to Greg Snow, Jeff Meyerson, R&L Stevenson and Andy the TropicHunt.com guy)

THIS IS WHAT WE GET FOR BROADCASTING JERSEY SHORE

Study suggests aliens could attack Earth to save the galaxy

(Thanks to The Perts)

THANKS FOR ASKING

How's your pee been looking lately?

(Thanks to Tom Meerschaert)

SOCIAL NOTE FROM THE MIDWEST

Iowa City Woman Deemed Too Drunk For Bikini Wax, Attacks Employee with Towel

(Thanks to Mark Schlesinger)

NOT TO MENTION BEING A GREAT NAME FOR A BAND

Gonad-chomping parasite may block transmission of Dengue fever

(Thanks to The Perts)

IAAF WORLD CHAMPIONSHIPS UPDATE

Unfortunately our strict policy prohibits us from presenting the IAAF World Championships Update.

(Thanks to Chuck Cody)

BULLETIN BULLETIN BULLETIN

Portland police recover stolen goat

(Thanks to Chuck Cody)

Vaguely Related Update: Loose Emu Locked Up in MD

(Thanks to funny man)

MICHELANGELO EXPLORED A SIMILAR THEME

This year's butter sculpture at the New York State Fair pays tribute to all the food service cafeteria workers in schools through the state.

(Thanks to Rich Klinzman)

AND NOW OUR WIVES ARE GOING TO WANT TO TALK ABOUT THIS

Males Believe Discussing Problems Is a Waste of Time, Study Shows

(Thanks to Chuck Cody)

BAD HONEY BUN

Dog eats $10K worth of diamonds

(Thanks to Greermac and Mark Schlesinger)

THIS IS NOT WHAT YOU THINK, YOU SICK PERVERT

Panasonic and Sharp betting that, in Japan, 7 inches is enough

(Thanks to Joe in Japan)

IF THIS BLOG KNOWS ANYTHING ABOUT THE FEDERAL GOVERNMENT, IT'S THIS:

This will never catch on.

(Thanks to Peter Metrinko)

THE FEW. THE PROUD. THE SILENT.

...audible farting has been banned for some Marines downrange because it offends the Afghans.

(Thanks to Martini Shark and Michael McNelis)

COLLEGE SPORTS UPDATE

Golf coach Jon Daniels says all 15 members of the men's team were involved in taking a picture on a hilltop with nothing on. The men posed with the head of their golf club covering their private parts.

Key Team-Captain Name: Our strict policy prohibits us from displaying this name.

(Thanks to Michael McNelis and Dan O'Shea)

IT WAS ONLY A MATTER OF TIME BEFORE THEY STARTED DEALING IN CRULLERS

Greek police smash violent doughnut ring

(Thanks to Chris Elzi, Greg Snow, Mark Schlesinger, Jeff Meyerson, Craig Roberts and Unholy Slacker)

HEY, NOBODY WAS USING THEM

Police in Tennessee were called to a funeral home where workers found two intruders sleeping inside caskets.

Key Statement Crying Out for More Detail: Police said there was more than $9,000 in damage done to the caskets the two men were sleeping in.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson, Bill Hudgins and jon harris)

AS IS HIS FUNDAMENTAL CONSTITUTIONAL RIGHT

The officer made contact with the driver, who was identified as 27-year-old Glenn Neff of Stuart, Fla., and found the vehicle to be loaded with fireworks. The Jeep had also been fitted with a turret and multiple PVC tubes from which fireworks could be shot out of. Police said Neff told them he didn't want to hurt anyone and wanted to ignite the fireworks on the National Mall to draw attention to himself and issues he had with the banking industry.

(Thanks to Bill Hudgins, who notes that this person already has a Florida license.)

STRING 'EM UP

Trout Thieves In California

(Thanks to Bill Hudgins)

IT'S TIME TO PLAY...

Guess the State!

(Thanks to John Grant and Horace LaBadie)

HURRY, BEFORE DONALD TRUMP CLAIMS THEM ALL

All told we have six shiny new pissoirs (urinals) and 15 sparkling new commodes (toilets). We’re selling the naming rights to each one for $1,000 a pop.

(Thanks to Chuck Cody)

STAY CLASSY, LIEB FAMILY CELLARS

Lieb Family Cellars of Mattituck says it has produced the 9/11 Memorial Commemorative Chardonnay and 9/11 Memorial Commemorative Merlot to mark to the 10th anniversary of the 9/11 attacks and the opening of the 9/11 Memorial.

(Thanks to Mark Schlesinger)

INCREDIBLY, THIS DID NOT HAPPEN IN MIAMI

Driving instructor accused of providing wine to students while on job

(Thanks to Chuck Cody)

NASHVILLE TRAFFIC ADVISORY

Bull semen forces closure of ramp to I-65S

(Thanks to Carol Ann)

FIRST THE EUROPEAN DEBT CRISIS, AND NOW THIS

Kangaroo goes on lingerie theft rampage in Czech Republic

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson, Anil Haji and Ralph)

IT HAS ALREADY SIGNED WITH JERSEY SHORE

'Predator' crab caught by startled fisherman

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

HERE'S OURS: SEND THEM TO WASHINGTON

Neighbors call for skunk action plan

(Thanks to The Perts)

WE SAW THEM OPEN FOR HENDRIX

Sweden fears swimming Danish raccoon invasion

(Thanks to Mark Schlesinger, who notes that there is no word on the French response.)

MINNESOTA: COMPLETELY OUT OF CONTROL

A man named Steve is being sought in Hastings after raiding his roommate's freezer while he moved out.

(Thanks to Fred Hudson)

WHAT COULD POSSIBLY GO WRONG?

A Russian airport official used his position to smuggle a beehive aboard a commercial flight at the airport in the Blagoveshchensk province, and stowed the insects in a coat locker in business class.

(Thanks to funny man)

CSI: SAULT ST. MARIE

Dairy owner appeals for fibreglass cow's return

(Thanks to The Perts)