Dave Barry's Blog

SOMETIMES LIFE INTERFERES

But eventually, we will get around to blogging the Vintage Back-to-School Column posted last week. This week, we look back fondly, in a Vintage way, at the Miami Florida Marlins' first season.

HEY, A JOB IS A JOB

The D.C. Government filed a lawsuit Tuesday, claiming a city non-profit took more than 300-thousand dollars meant for a job-training facility and instead built a nightclub in Northeast.

(Thanks to Allen at Division)

TIME FOR ANOTHER ROUND OF 'GUESS THE STATE'

Woman arrested after throwing flip-flop at husband's crotch

(Thanks to Allen at Division)

AND THE CYMBALS GUY WILL BE CONFINED IN A SOUNDPROOF BOX

Musicians in the BBC's orchestras have been told to chew gum and sit further apart to avoid damaging their hearing in new health and safety guidelines.

(Thanks to Mark Schlesinger)

HO HUM

Another foot washes ashore in Vancouver

(Thanks to The Perts and Allen at Division)

DEAR HELOISE:

Woman Labels Dead Cats, Saves Them in Freezer

(Thanks to Carroll Stewart)

HASTINGS, MINNESOTA, CRIME WAVE UPDATE

Last week, one man living in the residence reported someone named Steve had stolen ice cream from the residence. This week, another person living there reported a man named George stole some dishes from the residence.

(Thanks to Fred Hudson)

IN KEY WEST, THIS IS CALLED 'COMMUTING'

Nude Woman Found Crawling Up Busy Street

(TJhanks to Chris Elzi)

COLORADO SOCIAL NOTE

Closing of Pot Belly after Labor Day will leave huge void in Red Feather

(Thanks to Claire Martin)

EDUCATIONAL

Scots pupils invited to name wild Argyll beavers

(Thanks to AKMA)

PITTSBURGH CRIME REPORT

Unfortunately our strict policy prohibits us from bringing you the Pittsburgh Crime Report.

(Thanks to flynbenny)

SO WE NEED TO KEEP THEM OUT OF THE BARS

A disease carried in the vomit of planthopper insects is what kills the palms.

(Thanks to cyberick and Jeffrey Brown)

WHAT'S THAT SMELL?

Ski resort to use treated sewage to create artificial blizzards

(Thanks to Unholy Slacker)

This has already been done.

SOUNDS LIKE SOMEBODY WAS PLANNING A CHILI COOKOFF

Men accused of stealing $60,000 in toilet paper, plastic utensils

(Thanks to Unholy Slacker)

MINNESOTA: COMPLETELY OUT OF CONTROL

2 pajama-clad girls take stolen goat for walk

(Thanks to R&L Stevenson, Unholy Slacker and maryqos)

THE NEWS FROM BRITAIN

Unfortunately our strict policy prohibits us from bringing you the News From Britain.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

AS IS HER CONSTITUTIONAL RIGHT

The incident, according to police, took place after Knowles was not allowed inside “Club Cameo” on South Beach Sunday night because she was carrying a five-foot tall inflatable banana.

(Thanks to Mark Schlesinger, who says, "This doesn't happen where I live.")

ANOTHER DAY AT MIA

But the unidentified passenger didn't stop at sneaking snakes on a plane, authorities allege. He also had three tortoises hidden in a nylon bag concealed in his pants, TSA spokesman Jon Allen said.

(Thanks to Ralph, and Bill Hudgins)

ADVISORY

Health Canada warns against buying semen over Web

(Thanks to The Perts)

WE NEED MORE TRAVELERS LIKE THIS

A traveller at a Bermuda airport last week was tired of being strip-searched -- so she took all her clothes off right there in line.

(Thanks to The Perts)

CRIMINAL MASTERMIND OF THE WEEK SO FAR, CANADIAN DIVISION

Cory Henderson, 21, grabbed a late-night meal at Browns Social House in North Vancouver on Friday night, then skipped out on the $38 bill, according to police.

"When approached by staff for his actions he replied by telling them to call the police and that he would be at the Esso gas station next door," RCMP said in police press release.

Moments later, cops received an alarm that the gas station was being held up.

(Thanks to The Perts)

RIBBIT

Frog the size of a child reportedly found (and eaten) in Malaysia

(Thanks to Unholy Slacker)

THE LIFE OF H. ADELAIDE SCHUNK, IN VERSE

Not funny. Just sweet, and a little wistful.

(Thanks to Barbara A.)

JUSTIN BIEBER UPDATE

“His name’s Johnson. I’m serious,” Justin said, adding, “You want to hold my Johnson?”

This has been your Justin Bieber Update.

(Thanks to Ralph)

UPDATE ON THE SUV THAT CRASHED INTO A FAMILY'S ATTIC

You will be stunned to learn that alcohol may have been involved, as well as a motorist named "Ploof."

(Thanks to the Stealth Bloggerette)

NEIGHBORLY

Duo Reportedly Told Staten Island Residents To Evacuate In Order To Burglarize Their Homes

(Thanks to Mark Schlesinger)

A TOTALLY UNDERSTANDABLE MISTAKE

A Massachusetts man whose colorful golf attire was briefly mistaken for a clown outfit has been charged in New York with driving a golf cart while drunk.

(Thanks to maryqos, Fred Hudson and Matt Filar)

NOOOO

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

TOUGH CROWD

Climber who cut off arm to escape speaking at MSU

(Thanks to Unholy Slacker)

A FLORIDA LICENSE ETC.

"He said, 'Momma there's a truck in the ceiling!' And I'm like, 'A truck in the ceiling?'"

(Thanks to funny man)

WAIT... JUST THE MALES?

Zimbabwe's male MPs to be circumcised

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

IT'S ABOUT DAMN TIME SOMEBODY SPOKE OUT

Gadkari slams Lalu for dividing society over Lokpal

(Thanks to The Perts)

EXOTIC ASIAN BEVERAGE OF THE WEEK SO FAR

Yum.

(Thanks to Unholy Slacker)

Update: We have a new leader.

CREEPING FASCISM

It's getting so a man can't even tow barbecue wood in a bathtub.

(Thanks to Ralph)

WE CONSIDERED MAKING A JOKE INVOLVING THE WORD 'PECKER,' BUT DECIDED WE ARE WAY TOO CLASSY

Woman arrested at LAX for allegedly smuggling birds taped to her body

(Thanks to klezmerphan)

ATTENTION PULITZER JUDGES

Donna Montgomery said they acquired a banana tree four years ago that produces fruit annually.

(Thanks to funny man)

IRENE RECAP

It wasn't pretty.

But fortunately it also wasn't nearly as bad as feared, for a lot of people. This Blog's son, Rob, who just moved to New York City, called it "Sprinklegeddon."

Update: There may be a silver lining, dude.

(Thanks to Mark Schlesinger and Ralph)

WITHOUT EVEN OFFERING TO SHARE

Man drops crack from pants, eats it in front of officers

(Thanks to Loudmouth)

IT'S ONLY A MATTER OF TIME BEFORE THEY GO AFTER PARSLEY

Gangs targeting supplies of watercress

(Thanks to Chuck Cody)

PUT YOUR HANDS TOGETHER

...for Flaming Raccoon.

(Thanks to Chuck Cody)

TERRORISM UPDATE

Birds attack West Virginia town

(Thanks to The Perts)

AND MANY ENVIRONMENTALLY CONSCIOUS GUYS COMPENSATE BY NOT SHOWERING AT ALL

Women waste 50bn litres of water shaving legs in shower

(Thanks to Ralph)

PLEASE CELEBRATE RESPONSIBLY

Today is National Toilet Paper Day.

(Thanks to Otis)

THAT'S A FIVE-YARD PENALTY

High school football player finds snake in helmet

(Thanks to Bob Brogan)

IMPORTANT UPDATE ON THE UNDERCOVER POLICE INVESTIGATION INTO BARISTAS ALLEGEDLY STRIPPING AT THE JAVA JUGGS COFFEE STAND IN SNOHOMISH (MOTTO: "YOU CAN'T SPELL IT WITHOUT 'HO'") COUNTY

There is video.

(Thanks to Craig Roberts)

HEY, WHAT HAPPENS IN VEGAS, STAYS IN VEGAS

How sex with Neanderthals made us stronger

(Thanks to Jeffrey Brown)

WHO SAYS GUYS AREN'T ROMANTIC?

Police in Girard say 24-year-old Nathan Wingerter broke into his ex-wife's home on Aug. 1, threw her photo identification cards into the toilet and then defecated on them. Police say the woman walked in to find Mr. Wingerter on the toilet.

(Thanks to Trent Whitney)

EDUCATOR OF THE WEEK SO FAR

Teacher accused of 'terrorizing' with deer parts

(Thanks to Unholy Slacker)

INCREDIBLY, THIS DID NOT HAPPEN IN FLORIDA

Police stop man from transporting fridge in car trunk

 

(Thanks to Chuck Cody, Ralph and Afkat)

HURRICANE ADVICE

Those of you in the path of Hurricane Irene should now be in the process of girding for it, and getting ready to hunker down. (That's the Hurricane Preparedness Rule: "Gird, THEN hunker.") To help you with this process, here's a hurricane-preparedness guide I wrote for South Florida some years ago. At risk of sounding immodest, I believe this guide is every bit as useless and inaccurate today as it was the day I wrote it.

Good luck, people in the path. If I could, I would send you the 17 dozen "C" cell batteries that I purchased in 1997 and have been saving for exactly the right emergency moment.