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August 26, 2011


Those of you in the path of Hurricane Irene should now be in the process of girding for it, and getting ready to hunker down. (That's the Hurricane Preparedness Rule: "Gird, THEN hunker.") To help you with this process, here's a hurricane-preparedness guide I wrote for South Florida some years ago. At risk of sounding immodest, I believe this guide is every bit as useless and inaccurate today as it was the day I wrote it.

Good luck, people in the path. If I could, I would send you the 17 dozen "C" cell batteries that I purchased in 1997 and have been saving for exactly the right emergency moment.


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In many cases, the third and fourth parts of the Rule are added:

First gird, then hunker, then drink, then loot.

Good luck, all. Batten down!

They are calling this the 'storm of the century'! Last week's earthquake was a 'once in a lifetime event'. If all this is true then what do I have to look forward to now? Fortunately I'm closer to the mountains than the coast so I'm not worried. Except the last time they told us we shouldn't worry we had Hurricane Hugo which somehow skipped over Charleston and the Outer Banks and hit us dead on. Positive thoughts and prayers to those in the path of Hurricane Irene and I'm sorry I mocked her on the blog a few days ago.

We're rooting for you. Girding, hunkering, drinking, looting, and rooting. May your batteries be at least as fresh as your booze.

Just sent this to my nephew in Manhattan. Who lives in a basement apartment.

I used to wonder why people would buy shopping carts full of milk*, bread and toilet paper. Then I decided whatever consenting adults did in the privacy of their own storms was none of my business.

* If the power goes out, are they planning to make cheese?

In the DC area, people are asking, "What will the 3rd plague be?" Well, it turns out that Hurricane Irene -is the 3rd plague-. The Earthquake was #2, and coming in at #1, the top plague of the DC area, is the Federal Government.

Praying for all along the east coast. keep your heads down.

I don't know if this quote is in marble someplace, but it should be:
EVACUATION ROUTE: If you live in a low-lying area, you should have an evacuation route planned out. (To determine whether you live in a low-lying area, look at your driver's license; if it says "Florida," you live in a low-lying area.)

I have adapted this line for many purposes, some of which are not contrary to the laws of God and man.

This hurricane post has been my favorite for YEARS. Love it!!

Side note for NMUA:

Looking forward to a fun Sunday bailing out the basement.

You left out "batten" along with "gird" and "hunker."

Dave, you are so funny. I have read this before and still enjoy it. Thanks.

Just as funny today as when it was originally written. I've shared this with my east coast friends. Perhaps it will provide them a smile before Irean provides a beat down.

I work in Nebraska, this column would explain the crazy traffic this morning on my way to work. They must have had Florida driver's licenses.

I believe the point of the bleach to to purify water. Something like a drop or two of bleach per gallon of water makes it safe to drink.

My area's weather crises mostly involve snow and ice, so here's a (stupid) question. Why do coastal homeowners have to buy plywood for each storm? Why can't you buy it once and reuse it?

A 10% bleach solution is also useful for disinfecting anything that has been in contact with a rabid animal or something similar.

You have to be prepared for zombies after a hurricane.

Girding and hunkering here.

Two questions:

1-If I don't have loins am I required to gird?
2-If I hunker down BEFORE I gird will the federal governemt come to my house and arrest me?

GUIN: If I don't have any hatches to batten down, will I still be in compliance?

Thanks for your assistance.

Fortunately my house is not in a flood prone area, but with the copious rainfall forecasted there's a good chance for sewer backups causing tap water contamination. Which is not all that strange for New Jersey, but, hey, I'm ready for it.

*stashes bottle under the sink. Clarified: a bleach bottle*


In DC the purchasing of TP, milk and bread before ANY event is a federal law punishable by being locked in a room with a politician who needs money.

We never know when a crisis will strike us, so some of us hoard like we were born in the depression. I have told our neighbors that when the Big One strikes, they should come to our house. They can have all the Chef Boyardee they can eat !
We don't have to do the plywood thing, either, but like Tinkerbell, I wondered why you always have to buy new plywood. Does it warp or something ???


Around DC it is a federal law that you use something once and throw it away, even if it is still perfectly good. The have a special Agency for this. The Waste Fraud and Abuse Agency.

You cannot put a price on advice like this, but my lawyer thinks that about 2 million dollars from Dave will cover my pain and suffering.

Mikey - I think that battening can be applied to things like doors and windows. That's my story, and I'm sticking to it, whilst girding AND hunkering.

I think the plywood pretty much blows off the windows and lands on other people's roofs, ripping off shingles and making good newscopter footage.

Dave, Dave Judi, Judi ...please, please rerun the story of the couple watching the videotape. C'mon...you know the one I mean: it involves (loosely) controlled substances

I agree with Betsy, that is one of the funniest I have heard.

I'm on the North-Left (upper)coast. Fingers crossed for the Right-handers!

I'm girding up and hunkering down in the relative safety of coastal Maine; meaning that instead of being flattened by an airborne taxicab in NY (admittedly, always a risk), I'll probably be done in by either a wind-propelled moose or a tankful of escaped lobsters bent on revenge (and, God knows, when it comes to them, I have it coming).

Do people realize that if Irene goes directly over Washington, the hot air will force the wind speed up over 200 mph?

NJ Governor Christie ordered mandatory evacuations for the beaches. Could we make an exception for the cast of Jersey Shore?

Tinkerbell, you ignorant slut. Re-use plywood? Whatever are you thinking? If people re-used the plywood, Home Depot would not be overrun with idiots buying new plywood for every freaking storm!

Hope all the bloggers and bloggetes in the path of this come out ok. And in 9 months we expect to see pictures of all the new baby bloggers you made while waiting out the storm.

And if any of them look like Dave, well, it's just a coincidence.

*snork* at Wingnut.

Someone tweeted TO Andy Borowitz: The Weather Channel is definitely on the side of the hurricane. Fair and Balanced, my ass!

I am all girded and am now in hunkering mode. I think here in the city people are not as totally insane crazed concerned as suburbanites, as when we went to the store yesterday the shelves (unlike what you see on TV) were full of bread, milk and anything else you might want, even bleach.

I must admit I threw caution to the wind (so to speak) and did NOT buy bleach.

I have to go along with Tinkerbell here - is there a law we don't know about requiring the discarding of used plywood after each hurricane? What about if the hurricane misses you, can you keep it then?

Not that this one is likely to miss us. Latest forecast is that it will hit at about the Queens-Nassau County border and we're looking at another 7 inches of rain in the city. This on top of the 7 inches we had two weeks ago (when I was lucky enough to be in Canada). We are about at the all-time record for August rainfall before Irene (the bitch) even gets here, so with this and the earthquake, WTFBBQ?

*goes in search of Mikey's missing loins*

The purpose of having an evacuation route is to avoid being trapped in your home when a major storm hits. Instead, you will be trapped in a gigantic traffic jam several miles from your home, along with two million other evacuees.

Ain't that the truth. That's the main problem with evacuation routes. Of course, you can just drive out of New York and head for the White House, as you will be the only one of the road going there, other than Jeff Goldblum and Judd Hirsch.

I did see one reporter at Ocean City, Maryland this morning saying how everyone was evacuated and you should stay away from the ocean, unless you are a reporter of course.

Stay safe people!! Hope you're all girding and hunkering and have plenty of booze!!

Irene and the Earthquakes WBAGNFARB

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