Dave Barry's Blog

WE SAW CHARGING TURTLE OPEN FOR DEPRESSED FERRET

Shiloh man stunned by charging turtle: 'It was really big'

(Thanks to Unholy Slacker)

REST EASY, CITIZENS OF MIDWAY, GEORGIA

You're protected from the peril of homemade lemonade.

By a city ordinance, the girls must have a business license, peddler’s permit, and food permit to set up shop, even on residential property. The permits cost $50 a day and a total of $180 per year. City officials said it’s their job to keep everyone safe and healthy, and there can be no exceptions to the rules.

(Thanks to Catherine)

RUNNING IS NOT SO SAFE, EITHER

The four most dangerous places to walk in America are in Florida.

(Thanks to Not My Usual Alias and Andrew Hoenig)

STUPIDITY TREND ALERT

Owling - is it the new planking?

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

SOME MORE HORN-TOOTING

Here's a video Ridley and I made for The Bridge to Never Land, coming to bookstores August 9. (Ridley's the one wearing the non-blue shirt.)

FIRST THE DEBT-LIMIT CRISIS, AND NOW THIS

As Santas from around the world converge next week to celebrate the 54thWorld Santa Claus Congress - an extreme splinter group that believes onlySantas with real beards qualify for the title are set to arrive from the United States.

(Thanks to Joe in Japan)

WE SAW THEM OPEN FOR WHITESNAKE

Depressed ferret flees circus

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson and Mark Schlesinger)

SHE HAD NO CHOICE BUT TO OBEY

An Austrian woman looking for a short cut to a bathing lake got that sinking feeling when her satnav took her straight into the water.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

OTHERWISE WE WOULD HAVE CHAOS

NYC Fines Man $2,000 For Not Watering His Hive

(Thanks to Mark Schlesinger)

DIE-HARD BUCKEYE FAN

Corpse forms 'I' in Ohio cheer photo

(Thanks to Joe in Japan)

SO THAT'S WHY WE NEVER GET CALLED BACK FOR A SECOND INTERVIEW

Bringing a cockatoo or handcuffs to a job interview is a guaranteed failure, an international job placement company in Toronto said.

(Thanks to Joe in Japan)

WHY WE LOVE SOFTWARE DESIGNERS

My computer just informed me that, quote, "The custom error module does not recognize this error." 

WE ASSUME HE'S NOT A SMOKER

Man Drinks Gasoline for 42 Years, as Medicine

(Thanks to Ralph)

TERROR STALKS THE STREETS OF BOISE

Yarn-bombers.

(Thanks to Craig Roberts)

BUT FISH DON'T EVEN HAVE... OH.

Fish pedicures banned by B.C. health authority

(Thanks to The Perts)

NO SPONGE LEFT BEHIND

Count 'em.

(Thanks to Bill Hudgins)

FINALLY

New Method for Making Human-Based Gelatin

(Thanks to Allen at Division and Unholy Slacker)

ATTENTION, MORONS PEOPLE CONCERNED ABOUT BODILY PURITY:

Organic water.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

IT'S AT LEAST AS GOOD AS WILLIAM SHATNER

HERE'S an invention that will rock science — a singing robot.

(Thanks to Janice Gelb)

ATTENTION, LADIES

Unemployed man 'will let you HUNT him for $10,000... or $2,000 extra naked'

(Thanks to Janice Gelb)

IT WAS UNDER THE SOFA CUSHIONS

Lost rainbow toad is rediscovered

(Thanks to The Perts)

CANADA, DUDE

Last week, police were conducting a large checkpoint in Yarmouth, when officers noticed pot wafting through the air. Officers approached the car and inside, a man was causually smoking his joint with the windows down.

The driver was pulled over and officers spent an hour trying to determine if the man was impaired. He passed all the tests and was allowed to leave, although police officers seized his marijuana.

(Thanks to The Perts)

DUH, NO.

Is North Dakota Really a State?

(Thanks to Mark Schlesinger)

WE HARDLY KNEW YE

McDonald’s withdraws McFalafel

(Thanks to Joe in Japan, who asks, "From what?")

IF THIS HAPPENED IN MIAMI, THEY WOULD TAKE I-95

Ten workers in China pushed their boss's car three miles home after an office party - because they were all too drunk to drive.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

THOSE TERRORIST BASTARDS

Now they're using elves.

(Thanks to Ralph)

AND FEMA DOES NOTHING

Booze scarce in Minn. after government shutdown

(Thanks to many people)

SPAIN

Land of Excitement.

(Thanks to MOTW)

INCREDIBLY, ALCOHOL APPEARS TO HAVE BEEN INVOLVED

Man sprayed officers with beer

(Thanks to Unholy Slacker)

WE THOUGHT THIS MARKET WAS ALREADY CORNERED BY 'GRAPE NUTS'

Cat litter to become an edible product?

(Thanks to Unholy Slacker)

UPDATE ON THE SOAP LAKE GIANT LAVA LAMP PROJECT THAT THIS BLOG PROMOTED PASSIONATELY FOR SEVERAL YEARS BEFORE WE GOT BORED BECAUSE NOTHING WAS HAPPENING BUT NOW WE'RE EXCITED AGAIN, BUT NOT TOO MUCH BECAUSE WE DON'T WANT TO GET BURNED

Giant lava lamp project gaining momentum in Soap Lake

(Thanks to Craig Roberts)

SOON WE WILL HAVE NO CONSTITUTIONAL RIGHTS LEFT

A Fort Collins man has been arrested after a car dealer said the man took a Cadillac on a three-day test drive.

(Thanks to Jesse Sarles)

UPDATE: W.Va. man charged with trying to sell alligator through Craigslist

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

EVERYONE INVOLVED, INCLUDING THE DUCKS, HAD A VALID FLORIDA LICENSE

Woman chasing ducks caused pileup on I-5

(Thanks to Craig Roberts)

WE HAVE A VERY BAD FEELING ABOUT THIS

Bill Gates Looks to Reinvent the Toilet

(Thanks to Chuck Cody)

DON'T FORGET

The US National Kickass Women's Soccer Team plays France today. Winner goes to the World Cup finals. It's on ESPN; the pregame show starts at 11:30. This is NO TIME to be productive.

UPDATE: Yesssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss.

UPDATE: These French women are making me crazy, with their incessant kicking of the ball.

UPDATE: The American women kick ASS.

UPDATE: Everyone needs to take the rest of the day off.

WAIT, CANCEL THAT TRIP TO SEE THE TWO-HEADED UKRANIAN SNAKE

The San Fermin Festival Goes Topless: Bulls, Boobs And Cheap Wine For Jesus

(Thanks to Allen at Division)

AND THEN WE SHUFFLE OFF TO SEARCH FOR OUR READING GLASSES, WHICH ARE PERCHED ON OUR FOREHEADS

Upbeat baby boomers say they're not old yet

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

CANCEL THAT TRIP TO DISNEY WORLD

Snake with 2 heads wows Ukraine zoo

(Thanks to The Perts)

BECAUSE HE WAS DENIED HIS FUNDAMENTAL HUMAN RIGHT TO SMOKE AN ELECTRONIC CIGARETTE

SALT LAKE CITY -- A Salt Lake City man has been arrested and jailed after authorities say he pelted a flight attendant with peanuts and pretzels on a Southwest Airlines plane from Los Angeles to Utah.

Key Defendent Name That We Are Not Making Fun Of: "Pogos Paul Sefilian"

(Thanks to Janice Gelb and Joe in Japan)

BUT WHAT DO THEY DO WITH ALL THE ABSORBED SNORES?

Crowne Plaza The City London hotel trials 'snore absorption room'

Key Scientific Bit: Also included in the room is an anti-snoring pillow that the hotel claims has “rare neodymium magnets” that create a magnetic field, opening up the airways and stiffening the upper palate that vibrates during snoring.

(Thanks ro Janice Gelb)

OAMARU LARRIKINS IN ACTION

'Car pool' stunt misfires

(Thanks to Bill Moore)

BECAUSE THE DEEP-FRIED LEECH WASN'T A BIG SELLER

New on the menu at this year's California State Fair will be the maggot melt – dried maggots and melted cheese on two slices of bread.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

APOCALYPSE UPDATE

Pasta strainers are now considered suitable religious headgear in Austria.

(Thanks to Ross and Ralph)

THEY WOULDN'T HAVE GOTTEN FAR WITHOUT EXACT CHANGE

Police nab runaway elephants at bus stop

(Thanks to RussellMc)

SEND THIS JUROR TO WASHINGTON

Mistrial after juror wants to punch lawyer in nose

(Thanks to Craig Roberts)

DON'T MESS WITH THEM OR THEIR MOTHERS

California woman runs over ex-boyfriend TWICE after she claims he insulted her mother

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

'I HAVE TO FART'

Attack of Flatulence Stops Traffic in Twinsburg

(Thanks to Fred Finlay)

NOT UNLIKE COMMERCIAL AIR TRAVEL

Snails migrate by getting eaten by birds and pooped out somewhere else

(Thanks to Chuck Cody)

THEY ALL PRODUCED VALID FLORIDA DRIVERS' LICENSES

Truck spills 14 million bees on Idaho highway

(Thanks to Craig Roberts and Allen at Division)

MILE-HIGH UPDATE

Denver Newspaper Hires Professional Pot Critic

(Thanks to Bob Brogan)