Dave Barry's Blog

NEITHER SNOW NOR RAIN NOR zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Drunk postman stashed 31,000 parcels at home

(Thanks to Matt Filar)

FORGET LASSIE

This is a truly wonderful dog.

(Thanks to Catherine)

'HELLO, TRIPLE-A?'

Montreal sewer geyser tears apart car

(Thanks to Ken Morgan)

WE'RE GONNA NEED A BIGGER PLUNGER

Toilet paper rolls clog section of N. Idaho river

(Thanks to Craig Roberts)

HOW LARGE WERE THESE PEOPLE?

Seventeen people performing a vigorous Tae Bo workout caused tremors that forced the evacuation of a South Korean skyscraper earlier this month, the building's owners say.

(Thanks to The Perts, jon harris and David Emery)

THEY WON'T GET FAR WITHOUT RELISH

Thieves Steal 21 Tons of Mustard and Ketchup

(Thanks to Chuck Cody and Ralph)

COLORADO SPORTS BULLETIN

Dokken state champ in hand-mucking

Dokken also competed in the women's hand-steeling competition, taking second place against one other competitor, who also travels the state to compete.

Key Quote Indicating What a Person Needs to Become a Champion Hand-Mucker: "I have the itch."

(Thanks to Colorado Correspondent Claire Martin)

STAND TALL, JAYHAWK STATE

Kansas man sets largest tonsils record

(Thanks to Chuck Cody)

SPEAKING OF APES...

Farting Gorillas

The flatulence commences at around the 2:45 mark.

(Thanks to Ralph)

WE'RE IN

When the Space Shuttle lands, everybody wear ape suits. Pass it on.

-- wiredog

AND NOW THEY ARE READY TO PARTY

Sticks insects survive one million years without sex

(Thanks to Joe in Japan)

NOT WEIRD AT ALL!

Accordion Wrestling

Featuring Kimmo Pohjonen, who is not to be confused with Kimmo Wilska, whom this blog has not forgotten.

(Thanks to Ralph)

YOU'LL BE RELIEVED TO LEARN THAT THIS THING IS VERY, VERY SMALL

But still.

(Thanks to Janice Gelb)

WHAT COULD POSSIBLY GO WRONG?

Reverse angle parking unveiled

(Thanks to Carroll Stewart)

AND DON'T EVEN THINK ABOUT PRESSING CONTROL-ALT-DELETE

Single Keystroke Nearly Self-Destructs Unmanned Navy Copter

(Thanks to Fred in KC, who says "They must not have installed the Windows patch.")

THERE IS NO GOOD REASON FOR THIS POST

But here's an underappreciated song (if that is possible) by the Beatles. (NOTE TO YOUNG PEOPLE: The Beatles were a popular band during World War I.) Part of the beauty of this video is that the Beatles clearly realized how stupid they were going to look. (If ONLY modern musicians had this ability.) But it's a good song. Not a great song. But a good song. The weird stuff going on in the video (the TNT, for example) is there because this is a scene from Help, a marvelous movie that no current musical group this blog can think of (which, admittedly, is maybe two musical groups) could ever have made.

Yes, this blog knows it is old. Get the hell off this blog's lawn.

IF YOU TEACH A MAN TO FISH...

Then we went to a pond, where Robert sat in the weeds and put pond muck in his hair while Uncle Joe and I tried to bait the hook with a living breathing thinking feeling caring earthworm. This is a very difficult thing, emotionally, and not just for the earthworm.

p.s. Last week, we neglected to post this vintage column about the fact that, in 1990, the public hated politicians. Incredibly, this column is just as true humorous today as it was then.

THINKING OF SWIMMING IN AUSTRALIA?

Think again.

(Thanks to The Perts)

TAKE THE REST OF THE DAY OFF

It's the Wienermobile's 75th birthday.

(Thanks to queensbee and Richard Hunt)

TERRORISM UPDATE

Now the bastards are using ukelele flash mobs.

(Thanks to Joe in Japan)

CAR 54, WHERE ARE YOU?

Police officers shoot each other as they try to arrest child porn suspect at Harry Potter screening

INCREDIBLY, ALCOHOL APPEARS TO HAVE BEEN INVOLVED

Drunk Men Lock Themselves in Police Van

(Thanks to Unholy Slacker)

WE'LL ALWAYS REMEMBER EXACTLY WHERE WE WERE WHEN WE HEARD THE NEWS

History made as nipple is found on foot

(Thanks to Unholy Slacker)

BARBIE WOULD NEVER DO THAT

The doll is made by Berjuan Toys, a company out of Spain. It comes with a special halter top that has two flowers where nipples would be. When a little girl puts on the top and holds the baby doll up the flowers, it makes suckling sounds.

(Thanks to Mark Schlesinger and Craig Roberts)

OVER 50 VARIETIES OF MOOSE

Tourism industry pushing 'exotic' Canada

(Thanks to The Perts)

Related Item: Albertans calling for health advice get sex line instead

LITERARY UPDATE FROM CHANNELVIEW, TEXAS

She wanted "The Adventures of Super Diaper Baby" pulled from the library because it contained the phrase 'poo poo head.'

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

OUR ADVICE IS, CHECK THE BABY FOR WAXY BUILDUP

Heavily pregnant mum-to-be seeks advice over furniture polish craving

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

IT'S TAX-DEDUCTIBLE, DUDE

A Lawrence, Kan., Goodwill donor dropped off some marijuana with other items, officials say.

(Thanks to Ralph)

ANYTHING TO DECLARE?

BANGKOK, July 17 (UPI) -- An Iranian man was caught by customs in Thailand trying to smuggle snakes out of the country tucked in socks in his luggage, authorities say.

(Thanks to Ralph)

ATTENTION PULITZER JUDGES

Man says it's too hot to fish

(Thanks to Matt Filar)

DECATUR SOCIAL NOTE

Groom arrested outside own wedding... because bride-to-be had restraining order against him

(Thanks to John Finn)

RELATED UPDATE: JACKSON, Mich. (AP) — Police say a Michigan bride — still in her wedding dress — was arrested on a felony warrant and briefly jailed after exchanging vows at a Jackson-area church.

(Thanks to Dan Barr)

WE HAVE NO IDEA WHAT THIS MEANS, BUT WE WANT TO SEE THE VIDEO

A COUNTRY netballer has been suspended after allegations she stuck  her finger up an opponents skirt in a Hopoate-style incident.

(Thanks to Ralph)

CSI: NEW ZEALAND

A mystery sheep ran wild through the streets of central Wellington before it was apprehended by police, who took the animal to cells in the back of a patrol car.

(Thanks to Joe in Japan)

We saw Mystery Sheep open for Charging Turtle.

BIG DEAL. IN MIAMI, DRIVERS ROUTINELY USE PASSENGERS AS EYES.

One-legged South African driver 'used boy as clutch'

(Thanks to Unholy Slacker)

A 52-year-old man has been jailed for failing to pick up the mess from his two Great Dane dogs.

He used what lawyers call the Volume Defense: "Each one eats over two kilos of raw meat per day, plus biscuits and other stuff – what comes out just doesn't fit in the bags the city council provides."

(Thanks to Joe in Japan)

EMPLOYEE OF THE MONTH SO FAR

The employee left a message on the fast food restaurant's exterior sign Thursday night announcing he had quit. The sign reads, "I quit - Adam / **** you :)"

(Thanks to Craig Roberts)

INSERT YOUR ZUCCHINI JOKE HERE

80-year-old sentenced for gardening naked after neighbours complain

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

THEY SHOULD START WITH THE WHALES

China study focuses on 'cure' for bad driving

(Thanks to Marc)

WHICH MEANS THEY ALMOST CERTAINLY HAVE FLORIDA DRIVERS' LICENSES

Sperm Whales May Have Names

(Thanks to Unholy Slacker)

TODAY IS THE DAY

We assume you're already pounding beers biting your nails in anticipation of the match today between Japan and the attractive but feisty US Women's Kickass National Soccer Team, with the winner wnning the World Cup. Here's a story by Mrs. Blog, and here's a column by Mrs. Blog. (Here on this blog we are big fans of Mrs. Blog.) Also, in case you haven't seen it, here's US coach Pia Sundhage, in one of the more surreal scenes you will ever see in international sports, serenading the press corps with the traditional soccer fight song Feelin' Groovy.

UPDATE: That was tough. But congrats to the Japanese team, for never giving up. And thanks to the US women, for playing hard, and making an otherwise boring summer sports scene wonderfully exciting, at least for a while.

RELIGION UPDATE

Couple Sees Jesus In Walmart Receipt

(Thanks to Matt Filar)

WHICH IS WHY WE ALWAYS INGEST MUSK-DEER-GLAND-BASED MEDICINES BEFORE A LIGHTNING STRIKE

North Korea officials blamed traditional musk deer gland medicine used after a lightning strike for five positive tests for steroids at the Women's World Cup, the biggest soccer doping scandal at a major tournament in 17 years.

(Thanks to jon harris)

NO WORD ON THE FRENCH RESPONSE

World's 'Most Dangerous Bird' escapes from exhibit at Denver Zoo

(Thanks to Matt Filar)

SEND THIS TOWN TO WASHINGTON

The races for mayor and three commission seats are wide open in the small North Carolina town of Tar Heel — because no one bothered to run.

(Thanks to Warren Anderson)

ASIAN CELEBRITY UPDATE

Unfortunately our strict policy prohibits us from bring you the Asian Celebrity Update.

THINGS ARE ESCALATING

Woman Gropes TSA Agent's Breast at Security Checkpoint

(Thanks to Ralph)

IT MAKES AS MUCH SENSE AS OWLING

Leisure diving.

(Thanks to Naomi, who is seeking an explanation)

HARD TO SEE THE FLAW IN THIS PLAN

Man With Obscenity On Forehead Tries To Cash Stolen Check

Bonus Fact: The check was stolen from a church.

(Thanks to Chuck Cody)

SEND THIS SHERIFF TO WASHINGTON

Sheriff Grady Judd announces pay for underwear initiative

(Thanks to Unholy Slacker)

SPEAK FOR YOURSELF

Free circumcision makes good politics

(Thanks to Unholy Slacker)