Dave Barry's Blog

IT'S ABOUT DAMN TIME

South Korean scientists create glowing dog

(Thanks to cyberick and Danielle)

RELIGION UPDATE

Pastor thanks Lord for his 'smoking hot wife'

(Thanks to The Perts)

TECHNICALLY, YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO USE A SHRIMP FORK

Glendale Man Tries to Remove Hernia Using Butter Knife

(Thanks to klezmerphan, Jen I and Jeffrey Brown)

MEANWHILE IN SPORTS

Cowboys Training Camp Begins Tomorrow--Local Strip Clubs Rejoice

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

AUSTRALIAN POLITICAL UPDATE

Deputy Nationals leader Nigel Scullion won the celebrity cake-making challenge with a cake showing Prime Minister Julia Gillard seemingly being eaten by a crocodile.

(Thanks to Ralph)

WE SAW THEM OPEN FOR METALLICA

Navy’s Next Laser Mashes Up Machine Guns and Death Rays

(Thanks to Janice Gelb)

TIME FOR TOUGH FEDERAL CONTROLS

Woman Assaulted With Bratwurst

(Thanks to Bill Hudgins)

IDAHO MOTORING UPDATE

Unfortunately our strict policy prohibits us from presenting the Idaho Motoring Update.

(Thanks to Craig Roberts)

WELL THERE ARE VOCATIONS IN THAT FIELD

Teacher And Principal Smoked Meth At West Virginia Vocational School

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

THIS BLOG, FOR ONE, CANNOT WAIT

'Glee' Star Jayma Mays Battles Little Blue Man in Her Toilet in 'The Smurfs'

SO THE LICENSE IS ALREADY TAKEN CARE OF

Allegedly intoxicated Florida man attempts to drive car over Hornell footbridge

(Thanks to Maryqos)

AND THE CLOTHES ALMOST ALWAYS PASS

Men use 'sniff test' to tell clothes' cleanliness, survey shows

(Thanks to Jeffrey Brown and Matt Filar)

SPEAKING OF SUGGESTIVE

Clairvoyant finds peeing soldier's smart stick

(Thanks to Mark Schlesinger)

CSI: SEATTLE

Naked homeowner fends off would-be car prowler

Suggestive Opening Sentence: Randall Dykstra is a hard-working landscaper who believes very strongly in his right to stand-up for himself.

(Thanks to Craig Roberts)

Related Update: 70-Year-Old Woman Chases Naked Intruder Out of Home

(Thanks to Jeffrey Brown)

THEY WON'T GET FAR WITHOUT THE MATCHING PIGLET SHOES

Three masked men stole Winnie the Pooh purse, police say

(Thanks to funny man)

DESIRABLE SWEATING IS STILL OK

A ban on topless men boarding buses in Brighton and Hove has been enforced due to undesirable sweating.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

A FLORIDA COMMERCIAL LICENSE IS ON THE WAY

Driver Shi Shao, 48, told police in Shaoyang, Hunan province, southern China, that he thought he'd hit a pothole and was returning to his depot to have the suspension checked.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

WHAT NOT TO WEAR

...when you're thinking about behaving badly.

 

(Thanks to Allen at Division)

SOON WE WILL HAVE NO RIGHTS LEFT

A judge has ruled that barking and hissing are not protected by the First Amendment.

(Thanks to Ralph K.)

WE SAW THEM OPEN FOR THE RAMONES

Rampaging Kangaroo

(Thanks to Chris Elzi)

A FOOLPROOF PLAN

Men Driving Stolen Car Ask Police for Directions

(Thanks to Jeffrey Brown)

NO WORD ON THE FRENCH RESPONSE

Dutch tourist caught stealing a cowbell in Bavaria

(Thanks to Chris Elzi)

INCREDIBLY, ETC.

A Chinese man found singing in poo had to be pulled from a sewer after he dived down a manhole in an attempt to avoid a fight.

(Thanks to Anil Haji)

DUDE

Wanna do some walnuts?

(Thanks to Mark Schlesinger)

YOU THINK?

THERE was at least one downside to Farinelli's castration.

(Thanks to jon harris)

ATTENTION, US OLYMPIC TEAM

Before his arrest, Solchenberger was accused of stealing a truck in Wausau, crashing the truck, and then stealing a bike. He next fled police on the bike and then abandoned the bike to continue his escape on foot, and finally swam across the river to avoid arrest, Marathon County Sheriff's Lt. Randy Albert said.

(Thanks to Sharon)

SO PUT THAT THING AWAY

Urine doesn't ease jellyfish stings, after all

(Thanks to Jeffrey Brown)

TOTALLY JUSTIFIED

A FATHER of eight led police on a high-speed car chase – because he was traumatised by the death of his parrot.

(Thanks to funny man)

DES MOINES SOCIAL NOTE

About 20 minutes later, Twombly reportedly took exception when his new bride, Khamla Twombly, began to dance with Travis Cullen, a groomsman in the wedding party. Documents say Twombly approached and pushed Cullen so hard that Cullen lost his balance and knocked over a ceramic column near where an off-duty police officer was sitting on a stool.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

YOU'LL NEVER GUESS WHERE THE TOP TWO ARE

The Eight Most Dangerous Interstates

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

FASHION VICTIMS

Isn't it time (1987) someone did something?

The question is: What should be done? One proposed solution that has been kicking around for some time now is the Fashion Police. The way I envision this working is, you'd have people in very tasteful uniforms patrolling public places, monitoring the clothing of civilians and taking whatever corrective actions were necessary. Usually this would consist of a simple polite oral warning, such as:
"I am sorry, sir, but the 'muscle' shirt is designed to be worn by people who have actual discernible muscles, as opposed to rolls of fat large enough to break the falls of world-class pole vaulters."
Or:
"Madame, we do not wear fake-leopard-skin hot pants and very high heels unless we are a 15-year-old girl who cannot even pronounce the word 'cellulite.' "

BOO

A SOUTH African man thought to be dead woke up in a chilly morgue on Sunday and shouted to be let out, scaring off two attendants who thought he was a ghost, local media reported.

(Thanks to Mark Schlesinger)

REMINDS US OF COLLEGE

The Splendiferous Barfing Cup

(Thanks to Damon Daniels)

FAIR EXCHANGE

I am just curious if anyone can, or would be interested in getting us Directv service for a nice amount of beer every month?

(Thanks to Craig Roberts)

MEANWHILE ABROAD

Condom shortage after supply wrangle

(Thanks to Janice Gelb)

AT LAST

You can finally get high using Harrod’s $2000 Porsche bong.

(Thanks to Ralph)

NO, BUT WE ENJOYED THE SCENE IN ALIEN WHERE IT BURST OUT OF THE GUY'S CHEST

Dancing squid bowl: Could you eat this?

(Thanks to Janice Gelb)

IN FLORIDA, THIS IS CONSIDERED A LEGAL PASSING MANEUVER

Charlotte woman run over in bed after drunk driver plows through 1st floor apartment

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

GOT BRAINS?

The California milk board has decided that it was a bad idea to do an ad campaign poking fun at PMS.

(Thanks to MOTW)

STAND TALL, OLYMPIA, WASH.

The world beard champion.

"I have to say, `I'm up here,"' he said, pointing to his face. "Just like a girl."

(Thanks to Craig Roberts)

CSI: SILVER CITY

Bear breaks into car for chicken nuggets

(Thanks to Chuck Cody)

AND THEN THEY ALL SAY EXACTLY THE SAME WORD

Study: 19 percent of people drop phones down toilet

NATURE

Wildlife Department officers are studying the growing black bear population in eastern Oklahoma, and they've learned that nothing brings a bear to a trap like a doughnut.

(Thanks to Mark Schlesinger, who says "The problem is keeping the police out of the trap.")

WE CAN STOP ANY TIME WE WANT

People deprived of the internet feel 'upset and lonely' and find going offline as hard as quitting smoking or drinking

(Thanks to Mark Schlesinger)

NEW FRONT IN THE WAR ON TERRORISM

Harlem woman sues JetBlue after officials question if she's wearing underwear, kick her off flight

Key Investigative Technique: Malinda Knowles, 27, claims in a Queens Supreme Court lawsuit that a JetBlue supervisor put a walkie-talkie between her legs to see what she had on under her baggy T-shirt.

(Thanks to The Perts)

START SPREADIN' THE NEWS

New York Is Awash in Poop

(Thanks to funny man)

WE'RE GUESSING HE WAS ACTING ON INSTRUCTIONS FROM HIS CAT

Officers from the Lake County Sheriff's Office have arrested Robert Morris, 48, after he allegedly tried to pick up a FedEx package containing a bag of Meow Mix stuffed with $30,000 of crystal methamphetamine.

Yes, Lake County is in Florida

(Thanks to Janice Gelb)

HEY, IT'S IMPORTANT

Man puts gun to wife's head during argument over who's the favorite grandchild

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson, who wishes everyone to play "Guess the State")

OBSERVATIONS ON A SATURDAY MORNING CRUISE THROUGH CABLE TV WHILE WAITING FOR NEWS PROGRAMS TO ACTUALLY SHOW THE NEWS

1) Someone thought it would be a good idea to create an entire tv program on The Potato? Really?
2a) On Miami Vice, Sonny drove out of the parking garage at the Miami airport, directly onto the streets of South Beach. Crossover from Bewitched?
2b) Parking garage car chases are the rotary phones of the car chase world. Here in 2011, cars going faster than 20 MPH would be airborne every 30 yards.
3) Thundercats HO!
4) Who on earth would purchase a product called "Snap-on Smile"? (Note to self: See if The Blog wants to purchase one for the Gift Guide.)

WE'RE GONNA NEED A BIGGER BLENDER

The Giant Mystery Czech Republic Ice Ball

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)