Dave Barry's Blog

NO WORD ON THE FRENCH RESPONSE

U.S. Customs and Border Protection inspectors returned 33 Mexican soldiers on Tuesday who inadvertently crossed over the Rio Grande river into Texas, authorities said.

(Thanks to jon harris)

IF YOU CAN IMAGINE

Cornflake the clown was recently banished from New Zealand's magic community and threatened with legal action after he gave one of his proteges the Cornflake's Magical World Grand Master of Magic award.

(Thanks to Bill Moore)

FIRST MR. WHIPPLE, AND NOW THIS

John Chervokas, an advertising man and wordsmith who was credited with introducing a toilet paper slogan into popular culture with his Please Don’t Squeeze the Charmin campaign, has died at age 74.

CRICKET UPDATE

Vaseline stirs up a row at Trent Bridge

(Thanks to Joe in Japan)

NO NEED TO PANIC: IT HAS A VALID FLORIDA LICENSE

Snake on a Car

(Thanks to funny man)

THEY HAVE TO LEARN SOMETIME

An intoxicated man was arrested early Saturday morning when Louisiana state police determined he took a snooze while his 8-year-old son took the wheel, authorities said.

(Thanks to Marc)

THE WORLD HEAVES A SIGH OF RELIEF

Calif. taxidermist preserves Gaga's meat dress

(Thanks to Craig Roberts)

CSI: BUTTE

We regret that today's edition of CSI: Butte has also been canceled.

(Thanks to Chuck Cody)

SPORTS UPDATE

The sports update has been canceled.

(Thanks to Horace LaBadie)

THIS HAD TO BE THE WORK OF A CAT

According to the police report, peanut butter and jelly was smeared on most of the floors, furniture and more. Even the man's dog was covered in peanut butter and jelly, according to the report.

(Thanks to nursecindy and Chuck Cody)

TRACES OF SOUR CREAM WERE FOUND NEARLY 400 YARDS AWAY

Deputies: Man tried to use potato as silencer on rifle

(Thanks to R&L Stevenson)

AND THEY ALL HAVE VALID FLORIDA LICENSES

Chickens Outnumber People Three To One

(Thanks to Sharon Lurie)

APOCALYPSE UPDATE

Kitler.

(Thanks to Annie Where-but-here)

NORTH CAROLINA CRIME REPORT

Unfortunately, our strict policy prohibits us from bringing you the North Carolina Crime Report.

(Thanks to Peter Metrinko)

THE ECONOMY

It's worse than we thought.

(Thanks to Martini Shark)

CALL FOR THE BUTTER TRUCK NOW

N.B. highway littered with lobsters after truck crash

(Thanks to The Perts)

THEY LEFT WHEN THEY WERE TOLD THEY'D HAVE TO HAVE TO HAVE SOME TESTS

Monkeys Break into Indian Hospital

(Thanks to Ralph)

MY MAIN QUESTION IS: HUH?

This blog just received this email:

Hi Dave

Last night Pharrell Williams celebrated the launch of his new liqueur QREAM WITH A Q by throwing a star-studded event at Miami's legendary nightclub LIV at Fountainebleau. 

It was an evening spent with close personal friends of Pharrell, celebrity guests including Fat Joe and Trina and one-of-a-kind Qream cocktails and desserts, designed just for the occasion.

Guests were treated to music DJ'd by Q-Tip and Jus Ske, who supplied the perfect soundtrack to accompany the evenings festive atmosphere.

I've attached the press release and a link to download press photos from the event, for your files.

Please let me know if you would like additional details or have any questions about Qream.

Best,Sonia

--Sonia Aneja

Cornerstone

New York

AND THE SO-CALLED 'BUREAU OF CONSUMER PROTECTION' DOES NOTHING

Digital Nipples Used to Fake Sex Scene

(Thanks to Joe in Japan)

THIS WILL ONLY ENCOURAGE THEM TO RORT AGAIN

Doctors who rorted may escape penalties

(Thanks to Joe in Japan)

WOOF, DUDE

Pot patch for your pooch developed in Wash. lab

(Thanks to Craig Roberts)

WE'LL PASS

Meet the man with four eyebrows and five convictions for drunken driving

(Thanks to Chuck Cody)

AS RECOMMENDED BY DOCTORS

Man inserts milk bottle up his bottom 'to relieve constipation'

(Thanks to Loudmouth)

PUT YOUR HANDS TOGETHER

...for Worms from Hell.

(Thanks to Jeff Matthews)

WE'RE SURE SHE IS VERY PROUD

Pippa Middleton's Rear Is 'Queen of the Booty' in Plastic Surgery Circles

(Thanks to Matt Filar)

SOMETIMES CANADA IS JUST SO... CANADIAN

Cheering at Aurora, Ont. soccer fields this week has been muted after the town's youth soccer club introduced a "week of silence" to remind parents, coaches and spectators the goal of the game is to let kids have fun.

(Thanks to The Perts)

LADIES: PLEASE MAKE A NOTE OF IT

Enrique Iglesias: I've got world's tiniest todger

(Thanks for the heads up to Loudmouth)

CANADA

Land of Romance

(Thanks to The Perts)

FUN SUMMER READ

Blood and Tissue Spatter Associated with Chainsaw Dismemberment

(Thanks to Chris Knight)

MONACO TRAFFIC ADVISORY

The collision, involving a Bentley Azure (worth an estimated $400,000), a Mercedes S Class ($120,000), a Ferrari F430 ($230,000), an Aston Martin Rapide ($230,000) and a Porsche 911 ($130,000), occurred in front of Monaco's Place du Casino, according to Sky News.

(Thanks to Jeff in Toronto, Andrew Hoenig and Kendall Avery)

Another version here, blaming it all on a blonde.

(Thanks to Josh)

HE WILL FLAGRANTLY DISREGARD AVIATION NOISE-ABATEMENT PROCEDURES

Iceland Express has hired Bruce Dickinson, frontman for heavy metal band Iron Maiden, to pilot some of the Winnipeg-Reykjavik flights on the company's latest acquisition, a Boeing 757.

(Thanks to The Perts)

ATTENTION, WALMART SHOPPERS

Please cover your eyes. 

(Thanks to Craig Roberts, IndianaGirl and Dave M)

ALEXANDRIA POLICE BLOTTER

Unfortunately, our strict policy prohibits us from bringing you the Alexandria Police Blotter.

(Thanks to Sallye Holloway)

THIS WOULD BE PERFECT FOR I-95 IN MIAMI

A 1925 Rolls Royce car customised with mounted guns and searchlights to hunt for tigers is to be sold in the US next month by Bonhams auction house.

(Thanks to Janice Gelb)

SOON TO BE A MAJOR MOTION PICTURE STARRING JODIE FOSTER

A family is held hostage by a violent wallaby named Wacker.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

YOUR AUSTRALIAN TAX DOLLARS AT WORK

The lawyer representing a woman who was injured while she was having sex in a hotel room during a work trip in rural NSW says his client was undertaking "normal behaviour" akin to bathing or sleeping and is entitled to compensation.

The woman, a Commonwealth government employee whose name has been suppressed by the Federal Court, suffered injuries to her nose and mouth, as well as a psychiatric injury, when a light fitting attached to the wall of the hotel she was staying in fell on her head during sex.

(Thanks to Janice Gelb)

YEAH, OKAY, VOTING'S COOL, DUDE

Free pot offered to those who register to vote at Lansing, Mich., clinic

(Thanks to Mark Schlesinger and Loudmouth)

PERHAPS THEY WILL NOW BEFRIEND TILA TEQUILA

PARIS Hilton is “very excited” to have rekindled her friendship with Lindsay Lohan.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

MUST HAVE BEEN TAKE YOUR CHILD TO WORK DAY

Deputies: Woman with 3-year-old boy robs bank, kid then dropped off at daycare

(Thanks to jon harris)

WE ARE TAKING A POLL BEFORE POSTING

Does our strict policy prevent us from posting this item, or do you think it would be okay?

(Thanks to Fred Hudson)

CSI: BROOKLYN

Fugitive taunts cops on Facebook "catch me if you can" before they find him in Brooklyn apartment

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

BULLETIN BULLETIN BULLETIN

Tila Tequila ditching Los Angeles and moving to New York: I want to 'fall in love' and 'have babies'

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson, a thrilled New Yorker)

WE FART IN THE GENERAL DIRECTION OF YOUR HIGH-TECH MARKETING CAMPAIGN

The French government is trying to repair the country’s reputation for being rude with a high-tech marketing campaign aimed at tourists.

(Thanks to B'game)

WHATEVER HAPPENED TO THE CAMPFIRE GIRLS?

Pole Dancing Class For 7-Year-Olds Slammed

(Thanks to Mark Schlesinger, who says "The next generation of Real Housewives has to start somewhere.")

IT DEPENDS ON HOW YOU DEFINE 'SPIRITUAL'

City attorneys said investigators found no evidence of spiritual or religious activities at the club, where undercover officers witnessed topless dancers and pornographic films being shown on large screens.

(Thanks to Ralph)

BLOGMEN, LOOK AWAY

This one's for the ladies.
Combining two of the s.b.'s main interests in life (men in kilts and barbershop; duh), we bring you the lads of Vocal Spectrum:


(Posted with the permission of Eric, 2nd from left, who is currently out of range of the other three.)

FIRST THE DEBT CRISIS, AND NOW THIS

The World's Largest Men's Underpants have gone missing.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

POLITICAL UPDATE

Fla. mayor says pot growing in yard was not hers

(Thanks to Kevin Meerschaert, who says, "What the Mayor couldn’t explain is why she spent the entire meeting eating potato chips.")

WE SAW THEM OPEN FOR THE RAMONES

Stinky Mystery Waste Washes Up On Va. Beaches

(Thanks to Jeffrey Brown)

SOON WE WILL HAVE NO CONSTITUTIONAL RIGHTS LEFT

A Berkeley County woman will get a jury trial for a ticket she was given by police after they say she displayed big plastic testicles on the back of her pickup truck.

(Thanks to Matt Filar)

Related Update: Judge: 'Free speech' doesn't include barking

(Thanks to Jeffrey Brown)