FASHION VICTIMS

Isn't it time (1987) someone did something?

The question is: What should be done? One proposed solution that has been kicking around for some time now is the Fashion Police. The way I envision this working is, you'd have people in very tasteful uniforms patrolling public places, monitoring the clothing of civilians and taking whatever corrective actions were necessary. Usually this would consist of a simple polite oral warning, such as:
"I am sorry, sir, but the 'muscle' shirt is designed to be worn by people who have actual discernible muscles, as opposed to rolls of fat large enough to break the falls of world-class pole vaulters."
Or:
"Madame, we do not wear fake-leopard-skin hot pants and very high heels unless we are a 15-year-old girl who cannot even pronounce the word 'cellulite.' "

Comments

[wiredog]

Ratskin Jodhpurs WBAGNFARB.

[oldfatguy]

I am almost to the age where I do not have to worry about what I wear, (OLD) ha. actually I do not worry a whole lot about it now. I admit my boss gives me funny looks since I started wearing sweat pants and hawaiian flowered shirts to work. but I don't care.

[Uruk-Hai]

I like all the 40 year old dads who try to dress like they are a cool college kid. You know the ones who have pre worn jeans and a T shirt thats 2 sizes too small.

[Pannus]

If my kids don't give me the respect I deserve, I try to publicly embaress them. Wearing fashion failures often does the trick.

[Layzeeboy]

This is epidemic in the summer.

Why do women's spandex pants come in sizes larger than a two?

Men in hemmed jeans shorts with their (pressed) t-shirts tucked in.

Teenage girls are too young to have "JUICY" on their butts and older women shouldn't draw attention by having anything written there. (If it's nice enough to look at we will, regardless of any wording).

If your breasts look like two towels hanging on a towel rack, please wear a bra.

"Wife Beater" on any guy.

Socks and sandals.

"I'm With Stupid" t-shirt only applicable when you're alone.

Not often seen in the summer, but sweat pants and (appropritely named) Ug boots.

If your toenails look like corn chips keep them covered.

[sandy]

Fashion used to be ' decreed by Paris, France'....

Now it is decreed by Paris, Hilton

One thing that HASN'T changed:
in '... the immortal words of Maurizio Donadi: "Fashion has no brain."

[judi the barberho]

layzeeboy: stay outta my yard!

[padraig]

Just saw an ad last night for the "Pajama Jeans." They're basically beltless stretch pants that look like jeans, with printed-on back pockets and all. I'm anticipating with abject horror the many over-sized derrieres these things are going to be stuffed into.*

*NOT including mine.

[David]

I have just 2 words to add to this: "toe cleavage"

[mudstuffin in klumbus]

many strong points there layzee.

in a different column at a different time our blog suggested that men will remain more or less apace with fashion till the age of thirty. then they lock in on whatever the fashion template was for that year and just ride that baby on out the rest of their lives. i remember this because i was already beyond thirty myself (when i read this the first time), and i had to admit he got me.

[MikeyVA]

If you have trouble getting out of your car the first time, and aren't disabled or pregnant, DOE NOT ear anything that has an "ex" in its name.

Brims go to the FRONT. Wearing a backward hat if you are over 15 makes you look like a dork.

Comb-overs don't fool anyone. Cut the hair off, you will feel better.

If you are 50 and try to dress and act like you are 25, you will look like a 50 year old trying to act like a 25 year old. Unless you are a very rich rock star (Or a famous person like Dave) dress and act age appropriate.

If I get approached one more time at a high school reunion by some guy who looks like he is stealing inner tubes from Toys R Us and thinks that I find him attractive, I will bring my firearm.

Nose hair NO, ear hair, NO.

Implants are obvious since the human women's natural breast is tear drop shaped and the implants are round.

Don't hate getting old, the alternative is to be dead.

[Layzeeboy]

judi, that's what I was thinking it sounded like as I was typing it. But I posted it anyway.

[Elmo]

Anybody looked at Dave's photos lately? Uh, Dave, those that live in glass houses..... AND that 1960's soupbowl haircut HAS GOT TO GO!

Other than that, MikeyVA, the cap brim thing screams, "I am a wild and crazy rebel". It is ironic that wearing one front-wise would be the true rebel thing to do.

[sandy]

FASHION VICTIMS

Posted by judi on July 25, 2011 at 01:37 PM in Vintage Columns Clothing

(...Judi in Disguise?)

[mudstuffin in klumbus]

hey mikey: if you have trouble spelling words or writing in complete sentences, maybe you should go easier on us folk that need more than one attempt to get out of a car...

smarta55 kid.

(neener)

[Jeff Meyerson]

Have you, in an effort to disguise the fact that your hair has turned gray, dyed it a bright reddish-orange color that is not associated so much with the human body as it is with marine rescue equipment?

I'm controlling myself from mentioning a certain member of my immediate family (not my wife, birth family) who never learned this.

Also loved the "head the size of a Tums" line.

Mikey is right, except I'd lower the age where it is "cute" to wear a backwards baseball cap to where Tracy Ullman put it, about four.

We got quite a laugh today. A very skinny (white) guy probably abour 20 was wearing the ever-so-attractive "jeans below the hips with boxers sticking out" look - and as an aside, who was it who invented this, who popularized it, and can we please thrash them? - anyway...he was on his cell phone (of course) but the pants wouldn't stay up and he kept trying to yank them up with one hand, unsuccessfully.

Whenever I see anyone of any age dressed like that I have to fight the urge to say "Do you have any idea just how stupid you look?"

[eil]

If it's comfortable, doesn't accentuate the fact that the fat fairy has visited me numerous times, the colors contrast or match, and I don't have to iron it, that's what I have on. And since I work from home, it is a lovely day when I just wear one of those housedresses your friend's mother wore 50 years ago and it was ugly then, too. Damn, but they're comfortable. Hint: Do NOT let ANYONE see you wearing one.

[Diva]

*agrees with mud*

*includes "pantyhose with sandals"* Ugh.

Jeff, I have the same urge.

eil: AMEN.

[LeDud]

I'm with Jeff M. Whoever invented the "pants on the ground" look for men should be shot. Just stupid. Now if the young ladies out there started doing this..............

[padraig]

Never pays to tell someone they're dressed stupid. If they're stupid enough to dress that way, they're too stupid to recognize it. But probably exactly stupid enough to carry concealed weapons.

[Weezer's Sister]

Here in New York City, sometime since the coming of Madonna (the pop singer, not Jesus's mother), it became fashionable for women to wear their underwear on the outside of their clothing. Especially in summer, we now see women riding the subway in too-tight, too-short tank tops with their bra straps sticking out in front, on the sides, and in the back. This accentuates the fat that goes with the modern-day female physique. Usually this is accompanied by too-tight, low-riding stretch pants that allow the pot belly to flop over the waist(?)band, so we can see the fully exposed belly and pierced belly button, and of course all the fat that goes with the modern-day female physique. The silhouette that this pot belly makes is affectionately known as a "muffin top." I don't know if this applies to the rest of the country too, or if this look is something we invented. Makes me proud to live in the fashion capital of the world.

[Jeff Meyerson]

Amen to that. My wife always says when she was young she'd never have left the house if her bra strap was exposed. Now it's chic.

And how many times when walking around New York do you think to yourself, "Is she pregnant, or just fat?"

But I learned from Dave: never ask a woman if she is expecting unless you actually see the baby's head emerging from her body.

[Steve]

On the unusual occasions when I visit Wallyworld, I ALWAYS wish I had followed through with my idea to have "Spandex is not your friend" cards printed up. Then, I would drop them in certain people's purses as I strolled by.
And, yes, there are times when my wife acts like she doesn't know me. Mostly at family events, but still.
I did go around with my hat turned backwards for the first time the other day. I know what a serious offense this is but I had a moderately sunburned neck.
I was willing to risk the fine.

[Jan Crozier]

One clever line after the next.....I laughed so much I cried. 7. Do you feel that your armpits are a source of visual pleasure to those around you?

Thanks Dave and Judi!

[Annie in Texas - up late on graves]

Prison wear, I have been told, was the inspiration for the droopy drawers look. We're American's, we'll take our fashion tips from where ever we can steal them.

BTW, if you ever feel moved to tell a younger person just how (stupid, ugly, messy, inappropriate, etc.) their attire is, go dig out your high school year book and take a good look at yourself and your buds. Then laugh.

[eil]

Have to share again: In Indiana, the "prison/gang garb" is baggy pants with your panties showing. However, on my recent trip to FL, I noticed that the trend there is skinny jeans with your panties showing - and these are dressed up panties, too: Ducks, Sponge Bob, hearts... Fashion trends go too fast for me, except the baggy pants and panties thing...